Andrew: I was looking forward to reporting a successful day. I could feel the desire to feel good welling up and somewhat running the show all day. It was very pleasant and I enjoyed the momentum of it. It lasted solidly until early afternoon, when I couldn’t deal with a particular habit that a co-worker has. It’s the same habit my mother has, and I haven’t quite seen how to deal with it yet.
The habit is incessantly talking to me about her life, with intricate details about people I often do not know (especially in the case of the female coworker) at great length, when it is plainly obvious that I have no interest, and in the case at work, have work to do. It feels like a deliberate assault of common decency.
I don’t have a lot of tolerance for endless stories about things which have no relevance to me. (…)
Haha, I just realised that it’s not just ‘me’ in the world! I have been so focused in the last few days on ‘myself’ that the fact that such a thing happened is like that famous New York line from the movies when someone crosses the street in front of cars, “Can’t you see I’m walking here!”
“Can’t you see I am feeling good? !! Leave me alone!” (link)
Hi Andrew,
I cut out a big chunk of the 794 words of whinging as it is not nice to any reader to be subjected to such length of negative feelings/ vibes even once, let along twice.
You discovered you are irritated, i.e. angry, about a certain behaviour of a co-worker, and you give the reason that it was something your mother did frequently. Additionally, you were fighting this feeling and thus increasing its strength and prolonging its occurrence.
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The first thing is to get back to feeling good. When in the grip of strong feelings it is obvious that you cannot think straight.
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You do this by declining to object to the feeling itself, this feeling about objecting to/resenting the situation you are in. This way the feeling will automatically decrease in strength because you are no longer feeding the negative energy by objecting to it. Then it’s easier to get back to feeling good.
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When you are ready to have a closer look, the next thing is to check if this irritating behaviour is something ‘I’ do myself – at least this is what worked for feeling being ‘Vineeto’. Going by your post, this could well be a possibility.
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To admit that this is the case you obviously need to be friends with yourself enough to be genuinely interested in how you tick without condemning yourself for what you uncover.
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As there is very possibly pride and self-righteousness involved (“it’s all their fault, I am in the right here”) as well as territorial beliefs and feelings (as in “how dare they intrude in my space”), it might take some time to unravel.
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When you discover that you know this kind of behaviour quite well from your own experience, not just on the receiving end but especially the ‘presenting it’ aspect as well, then it will be much easier to emotionally accept it not only in yourself (because you are committed to no longer indulge such feelings in future but also when other people do it to you.
And when you are not feeling antagonistic as in “leave me alone” but genuinely recognize them as a fellow human beings (endowed with the same instinctual passions and feelings as you are), then there is most likely the possibility for an amicable, or at least straightforwardly sincere, resolution.
For instance, just like yourself, almost every feeling being wants to be acknowledged, respected and understood by their co-habitants in the real world (i.e. link), and some will talk at you until they feel they have been heard. The more you understand yourself, the better you will understand the human condition, which gives you more options to interact in an enjoyable manner. As you said further up in your post – “Haha, I just realised that it’s not just ‘me’ in the world!”
It’s a good realisation.
Cheers Vineeto