Kuba: Yes it seems that “standing still” or “doing nothing” is ‘my’ kryptonite . I cannot explain just how difficult this is for ‘me’, and I am not sure if this is idiosyncratic to me or not.
Hi Kuba,
Well, well, as the fictional “kryptonite” only deprives the fictional Superman of his powers [kryptonite: an alien mineral that has the property of depriving Superman of his powers. (Oxford Dictionary)] there is no sensible reason to either fear or rely on the validity of such modern myths.
But you are correct that “standing still or doing nothing” are ultimately fatal to the alien entity inside your body – the identity, arising out of the swirling passions, requires constant movement of said affective passions in order to stay in existence. This is not idiosyncratic but intrinsic to all feeling beings.
Kuba: What I can say is that the past year or so I have been talking with my mum about this at length. For her it is much more extreme, a core theme in her life, we did discover a while ago that this impulse to ‘do something’ is triggered by a drive to survive. That she may be enjoying a walk for example and then this feeling will arise, it commands to ‘do something’ in order to gain security. This ‘something’ though is never here and now, it is always something ‘out there’ and so she is then off on another mission, another scheme, all the while constantly running on nervous energy.
I have had many conversations with her about this and now I can see that I am essentially doing the same thing! It is just way less extreme.
Doing something to justify one’s existence and/or wanting recognition is germane to every feeling being – naturally, as the fictional entity knows deep down that ‘you’ are nothing but a contingent being. (see link, link)
Respondent: ‘If I understand it, even ‘being’ itself is undone with that simple act [letting the third alternative come into play]. Your discussion about ending the self with James on Mailing list ‘B’ (Richard, List B, James3, 21 Nov 2002a) which culminates in the for-me superb crescendo discussion of going into dread seems to be about that. It is one of the stand-outs for me that I’ve come across so far. Those discussions seem to tell me things I most need and want to know (gulp). I need to, and just as much want to cover the ground between here and there, but the nitty-gritty parts seem to make all the difference in making the direct line much more clear. I like it in the extreme. It seems to give me the ‘wherewithal’ to really be able to move.
Richard: ‘I am pleased to hear that … I do remember that discussion well for it spells-out that which I had been wanting to have explicitly set down in words for a long time (the identity inhabiting this body all those years ago had looked in vain for anything detailed in that manner) because it pertains to matters which were the critical factor in the turning-point experiences on some uninhabited islands off the north-eastern seaboard of this country in 1985 … to wit: the existential angst of discovering that one is nothing but a contingent ‘being’ and that one will cease to ‘be’ unless the redemptive straw, of several doomsday straws, be grasped’. (Richard, AF List, No. 82, 27 Apr 2005).
Do you still wonder why it is so difficult to stand still and do nothing, especially as long as enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive with gay abandon, no matter what happens, is not yet an established habitual modus operandi?
Kuba: As I am now writing this there is a sense of calm and stillness all around and yet there is this need to ‘do something’, it is a command, a must, that ‘I’ deal with this thing ‘out there’. This drive it does not allow ‘me’ to simply enjoy and appreciate being here, the message is delivered with a sense of danger, that ‘I’ must obey for ‘my’ survival is at stake.
I wrote it just now in my notes and it is exactly that ‘I’ need to ‘do something’ in order to survive, that if ‘I’ “stand still” ‘I’ will die. Then I remembered that this is the goal.
Indeed, ‘this is the goal’, your destiny, and it is always wonderful to remember pure intent. Hence my/ Richard’s suggestion to stop believing in each instance of the affectionate/ passionate demand/ command of ‘me’ lest you be sent on another round of fear/ doubt/ resignation, exhaustion.
Kuba: But ‘I’ cannot force ‘myself’ to do this, then I am going back to having ‘me’ screaming around and kicking against ‘my’ desire.
What you can do is get back to feeling good via recognizing how silly it is “to having ‘me’ screaming around”.
Kuba: So perhaps there is something to be found here🤔 This fear of “standing still” – that it is dangerous, that survival is at stake, that something ‘out there’ demands ‘my’ attention, that ‘I’ must engage with it in order to maintain ‘my’ security. Now I might as well remove the scare quotes because the feeling is that a genuine danger will eventuate.
Ha … the way you phrased it, it looks as if standing still will eventuate in “a genuine danger” equal to standing in front of an approaching bus. And when you look around there is no actual bus in sight.
Kuba: Looking at this thing whilst also allowing the possibility of no longer ‘doing something’ at all it seems to be in the right direction because it is where enjoyment and appreciation is – only enjoyment and appreciation.
So in this direction there is only enjoyment and appreciation but also this sense of genuine danger, of guaranteed death. (link)
Have you ever been aware that deep down ‘I’ desire oblivion? Only recognising and acknowledging this desire will turn “this sense of genuine danger” into being the welcome destiny ‘you’ always wanted.
Richard: (…) the blessed release into oblivion is something only an identity, a psychological/ psychic entity, would desire.
Respondent: According to your chosen definition of oblivion below …
Richard: That Oxford Dictionary definition of the word blessed – ‘enjoying supreme felicity; fortunate; happily endowed with; pleasurable; bringing happiness; blissful’ – is not this flesh and blood body’s chosen definition of oblivion … it is a definition chosen to describe the nature of the release into oblivion (which felicitous let-go is indeed a blessed release). [Emphases added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 53h, 20 Jan 2005)
To tie it back to what you wrote at the top of this post – an identity identifying with the cartoon, TV and film character “Superman” will never be allowed to become aware of a desire for oblivion, but a whittled-down, diminished entity having recognized that ‘he’ is nothing but a contingent being, an impostor, a fraud, tired of standing in the way of life running smoothing, aware of being redundant and, above all, willing to sacrifice ‘his’ superfluous existence for the benefit of the flesh-and-blood body Kuba, Sonya and every body, is perfectly capable of yearning for ‘his’ demise as a blessedly welcome and glorious act.
Kuba: That last post it (…) might as well be titled – How to stand still, a guide by a neurotic. (link)
Ha, your difficulties to stand still are neither idiosyncratic nor neurotic – they are the natural outcome of being genetically inflicted with the human condition like everyone else. As such they are instructive descriptions for others intending to become actually free.
Cheers Vineeto
PS: Neither pride nor shame will be left when all this is over.