Hey Vineeto,
I don’t think I’m dissociated - not in the proper sense. (I realise given you think I am I might need to write a whole post on it).
I’m actually making progress…things are changing. And not in some whacky, surreal Buddhist way haha.
I’m starting to see the dead ends I’ve been going down for what they are. And that’s what the post the other night was about - picking myself up on some dissociative stuff.
But it’s not the crux of my issues anymore, I don’t think. I do think I’m figuring out my issues successfully, insofar as I’m feeling good more often. Like right now
I’ve actually started to feel my feelings so fully.
I think the “dissociation” occurs where I push aside my feelings and try to achieve without going through them. The post the other night was an example of that but I was picking myself up on it.
But indeed it’s because there is trauma there. I am feeling it so fully - the despair, self hating, low self esteem, panic, ambition, existential angst etc. I am not dissociated from these feelings anymore. I’ve used a few tools like psyllocibin and EMDR therapy to help ensure this.
At root, I’ve just not been able to feel good. The human condition, within the structure of my own personal issues and personality, has been eating me alive
That is changing though. And it’s not technical at all. It’s about realising that I can feel good. And the sincerity of the need to.
That sounds so obvious, the same thing everyone here has seen and read a thousand times. But I’m starting to have a visceral understanding of it. It’s hard to convey over text. There is sincerity there and things are changing. Im starting to realise I can feel good - that I must feel good. Not the must of intense feeling, the must of benevolence.
I clarify all this not to be argumentative but because I think it’s beneficial that what I’m doing is documented accurately. I understand, though, that it would be exceptionally difficult for you to determine just from reading, exactly what’s happening for different people. .
I know your only goal is to help people through the psychic maze. And it’s really appreciated. Yet I recognise one is “alone in this endeavour”, so I have to trust I’m on the right track, because I think I am.
The weird thing is that this is all happening right now. Even as I write this very post. As I sit here…there is such a visceral feeling good emerging. It’s untechnical. It’s so …nascent. A shift is happening.
I know this will sound ridiculous…but it’s like some sort of MDMA suppository. As in, strong feelings of wellbeing, coming seemingly from nowhere.
And there is wonder, including wonder that this shift is happening.