At first I thought Vineeto was writing that and I was like WOW she has really switched up her writing style 
Itâs a party in my diary today 
Is it too many years late to ask how Ian did that quote thing? 
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Hey Claudiu, really interesting post - and yes your emojis did a great job at conveying what they needed to haha.
Regarding my references to âthinning outâ - I was not actually trying to do that, it was more that I would look (as if turning around) and suddenly finding everything to look very different.
Regarding the huge affective ramp up that you describe - excellence experiences - I have had a few powerful ones before so I know exactly what you mean.
However - hehe - I have NO idea how to make them happen and it has now been a long time since Iâve had one like that.
Also - the word I always used for those âyank you by the neck and pull you into another dimensionâ EEs was dynamic - they had such an element of unbelievableâŚnot even sure what to call it. Power isnât the right wordâŚbut basically akin to literally being pulled into another dimension.
Then I started to wonder, given that I know PCEs are âstillâ, if my using EEs was some other thing - like maybe they werenât the right route after all. Maybe the way into stillness was by being âstillâ affectively. Itâs not that I actively tried to stop having them but moreso a matter of just not being sure what I did. Then the more ive tried to bring results since then, the more that seemed to scupper things.
Hence why I have reoriented myself to feeling good in the virtual freedom way (which is still really good). And obviously if I continue like this my overall mood will keep going up and increasing likelihood of peak experiences over time.
You are correct to say that, in oneâs normal state going about oneâs day, there is a bit of a tendency to âfocus on sensuosityâ with more of a neutral affect - purely because in the PCE equation, the felicity side seems like less of an easy lever to pull compared to sensuosity.
So you are exciting me reminding me of EEs but as the feeling being currently occupying this moment - itâs hard to know what I would do in this moment or any other moment in order to elicit such an event.
Which is perhaps where summoning up delight comes in. Then becomes a question of howâŚtracing back? Craigâs ladder? Rememoration?
Most things I try feel like a kind of artifice that has little power to budge my affective âset pointâ (to use a Syd word 
).
Your post seems to imply that EEs are necessary for PCEs but then when I think of Pamela on the DVDs she does seem to go from âgood moodâ in one moment to instant PCE in the next without the EE rollercoaster.
Obviously interested in your input too Vineeto.
Cheers guys
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This is really interesting Felix, so from what I can understand before your approach would be something like shuttling from anxiety et al and then all the way into EEs, with no stable feeling good as a baseline?
So instead the recent approach has been to focus on establishing this stable baseline of feeling good - just a general sense of well-being in order to get away from that kind of intense oscillation.
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Hey @Kub933
Correct but with 2-3 years of repression, feeling bad and mindfulness in between 
These EEs and PCEs were happening 2-3 years ago. The experience would occur and then afterwards itâs as if I would come back and completely freak out. Not to mention the resentment at being locked out of actuality.
I was completely burned out as a default state so pretty shaky ground to be practising actualism in.
Then I took a very controlled and methodological approach to actualism - extreme focus and trying hard and obsession and all the habits of a lifetime etc which did not help the burnout - Iâm sure it perpetuated it in fact. But Iâm still obsessed now so the obsession itself was not a problem haha. I do think the actual psychological injury I had incurred was serious and looking back I would have done other stuff to fix it. But thatâs what burnout is like - your brain is on fire and itâs hard to fix when the instrument to fix it isâŚyour on fire brain.
I should have said âguys I am feeling extremely anxious and stressed - I donât know what to doâ etc - but my approach back then was always to ambitiously focus on the goal and basically ignore what was happening now. Which is how I got burnt out in the first place - running roughshod over myself in the name of trying to reach goals and avoid insufficiency.
As for feeling good as a habit - itâs a very new habit really and Iâm surprised at how easy Iâm finding it (not intended to sound like a humblebrag). I am thinking on one hand my burnout must have healed to a sufficient threshold (coming out of an extreme state) and on the other, being in a good mood itself has started to feel totally possible. My perspective and energy etc are all getting better and better day to day.
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Yes it seems - especially going by what you have written about your past tendencies - to be an eminently sensible way to proceed.
So with feeling good as a baseline (something that can come to be expected as an âof courseâ) moving into the âbesterâ territory will no longer be an escape or a fix, but rather something even more wonderful than what is currently experienced. And then if all else fails you are back to a general sense of well-being.
I do remember at some point on the forum it was as if the methodological, in-control virtual freedom - as pioneered by feeling being âPeterâ and âVineetoâ - went out of fashion. Which was kind of odd, of course Richard never went through this and also Geoffrey wrote about aiming for an actual freedom only.
But taking myself as an example, the kind of person I was, with the kind of tendencies that I had - It was the most obvious and immediate thing to focus on. Still when I think about it now I would take a general sense of well being each moment again over an oscillation from anxiety into excellence every time.
The other thing which I can write about from experience is that something incredible can happen when feeling good is established as a baseline and so much so that there is less and less of a ânormalâ to fall back to. Then that movement into the âbesterâ territory is not a temporary escape (with the feelings associated with this) and rather it has that delicious flavour of going into gay abandon - and then the socks can be safely blown off
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Exactly and I am already finding at times there is a step above the basic feeling good that Iâm talking about. Itâs like in a video game map where certain areas are blocked off, but then as you discover them there are new areas.
Regarding virtual freedom stuff - I donât want to speak for him but as far as I understand it Geoffrey was a pretty chill, unencumbered guy when he discovered actual freedom. He tried it on like trying a hat at the store haha - which I think helped him.
Totally agree about feeling good being enough to grease the wheels for higher levels of affect. Despite what I wrote above (curiosity about EE stuff) Iâm not expecting it to be a technical answer to that but more a - feeling good one!
Hi Felix,
Awesome, easier that you have had that experience too and then you know what Iâm referring to 
First to clarify this:
I can see why it seems to imply that, so just want to clarify that Iâm not saying that. A PCE can indeed happen at any time. I even had one happen, spontaneously, even from the point of being upset and resentful due to a heated and intense argument with my partner. We werenât actively fighting at that moment but in the simmering phase, I was next to her, and the PCE just spontaneously happened. I remember the thought that it was amazing how there wasnât even anyone to be on the receiving end of someone elseâs upset â or maybe that there was no one to be upset in the first place. So even feeling good is not a prerequisite for a PCE.
That being said itâs just that they are more likely to happen or perhaps more easy to induce while feeling good rather than while feeling upset of course. And similarly itâs easier to induce from an EE rather than from a basic feeling good.
About how to have the EEs happen, as far as I can tell itâs similar to a PCE in that itâs a matter of wanting it and then allowing it to happen lol. I am somewhat sure that this is mostly entirely unhelpful for someone who hasnât gotten the knack of it yet lol. I guess one question for you is what preceded the EEs you had some years ago?
Thereâs another similarity with PCEs in that of course it is easier to get into an EE if already feeling good.
In terms of this:
The main thing I really wanna highlight, which I have been highlighting the whole time actually, is that these are not two different levers, with felicity on one side and sensuosity on the other. I think you are using the word âsensuosityâ but you are not referring to the same thing as what that word refers to in actualist lingo / on the AFT site.
Iâve collected some quotes and added emphases and commentary:
RICHARD: The other aspect of the actualism method â other than felicity/ innocuity â is sensuosity: feeling felicitous/ innocuous, each moment again, brings one closer to oneâs senses and the resultant wonder at the brilliance of the sensate world can enable apperception ⌠the direct experience of the world as-it-is. [link]
Note that! The senuosity is âthe resultant wonderâ at the brilliance of the sensate world, ie something âIâ feel, not something to do with the sensate experience itself per se.
RICHARD: Yes, sensuousness is the wondrous awareness of the marvel of being here now at this moment in time and this place in space â which awareness is combined with the fascination of contemplating that this moment is oneâs only moment of being alive â and one is never alive at any other time than now. [link]
Again note that, sensuousness is âthe wondrous awarenessâ of being here now, which is combined with âthe fascination of contemplatingâ that this is oneâs only moment of being alive.
Sensuosity/sensuousness is this wondrous/fascination awareness/contemplation.
Note those words: wondrous and fascination. These are things âIâ feel, they are affective!
RICHARD: 6. Habitual felicity/ innocuity, and its concomitant enjoyment and appreciation, facilitates naïve sensuosity ⌠a consistent state of wide-eyed wonder, amazement, marvel, and delight. [link]
Note that again, sensuosity is a state of consistent wide-eyed wonder, amazement, marvel, and delight â affective!! These are felicitous feelings!!
And note how similar those descriptors are to what an EE is like â very similar indeed isnât it? 
So I think you have misappropriated the term âsensuosityâ to be something akin to focusing on the senses when it seems too hard to be felicitous⌠but focusing on the senses isnât the point, per se. If that worked then meditation would work 
. The point is the felicity of it all! The feeling wonder and fascination and amazement and marvel and delight.
In other words itâs not like you have felicitous feelings on one side and sensate experiencing on the other, and thereâs a choice to pick whatever the easier one seems to be. Itâs all felicitous feelings, itâs all one direction⌠and the more felicitous you are, then at a certain point you can become/find that you have become sensuous/revel in sensuosity.
The reason I am taking the lengths to expound on this is to hopefully save you some time of not going down the path of trying to focus on the senses, it is a mistake that many have made (such as the affers, and me as well).
In terms of what to actually âdoâ as an approach, I think you are right to be suss of whatever feels like a kind of artifice. Sincerity is indeed keyâŚ
I have also grown suss of myself giving advice to other people lol, I donât wanna lead anyone awry ⌠I feel confident about what I wrote above though
I guess one way to put it is that as you know what feeling good is like and you have a new habit of feeling good, I think you cannot go wrong by continuing with that habit . The more consistently you feel good the easier it will be to keep feeling good. And when youâre continuously feeling good, then the next level up will hove into view, feeling great⌠both as a gradual thing but also you will have moments where you âseeâ it as an option, a choice, and then you can take it when it comes. This will also lead to more EEs and PCEs and having those will be how you develop the knack to have more of them also âŚ
Ha yea exactly just like you wrote just now:
I think this will be more fruitful than trying to focus on the senses in a neutral affect kinda way. Just keep in mind what is possible re: sensuosity and then see what happens! Iâm not sure where the âthinning outâ experiences you are having fit into it all, maybe itâs at a point where you are relatively interfering with feeling good a lot less but not yet at the point of really marvelously wondrously reveling in it all⌠ultimately up to you to see!
Cheers,
Claudiu
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Wow that is good Claudiu! You hit the nail on the head there with regards to where the affers went wrong, certainly you just clarified it for me.
In short sensuosity cannot exist without felicity and innocuity. Just like âIâ cannot be in a state of wide-eyed wonder if âIâ am feeling resentful, they are 2 different states of âbeingâ. To try to focus on âsensuosityâ when not feeling felicitous and innocuous is to pervert the meaning of the word to be some kind of spiritual/meditative thing.
I guess a good metaphor is to consider what it means to have fun. That one could separate âfunâ as some âthing-in-itselfâ and then try to âcultivateâ it in a very serious spiritual/meditative manner whilst never actually having fun
This is just another solid example which shows that âIâ am âmyâ feelings and âmyâ feelings are âmeâ. âIâ am not having feelings, âIâ am âbeingâ those feelings - for this to sink in it really clarifies so much and also where other approaches failed miserably.
For in order to steer all these things as if they are levers on a control board âIâ must split âmyselfâ first.
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So a question from me now⌠why the âdoerâ in the first place? 
What happens to cause this? Is the âdoerâ a creation of the social conditioning, a myth that is taught so that one lives with responsibility and is thus under control of the tenets of society?
That in order for morality to function effectively one must exist as a âdoerâ, because if âIâ am apparently pulling all these levers then âIâ can be held under obligation and responsibility.
It seems for me the âdoerâ is a bit like the appendix at this point
It seems it was something along these lines, that human beings observed that there were these instinctual passions which were a liability when living in a group and so a make-shift approach was to devise the âdoerâ. Because the âdoerâ and responsiblity/obligation go like peas and carrots. It âworkedâ so far as to control the excesses of violence and yet it inevitably leads to separation, resentment, duplicity etc So it can never be a lasting solution. But not only that, this âdoerâ cements the human condition in place. For if âIâ am not âmyâ feelings then human nature is apparently set in stone.
Huh so if âIâ am indeed âmyâ feelings then âIâ can altruistically sacrifice âmyselfâ. If âIâ am separated from âmyâ roots no such thing will ever take place. Furthermore the human condition is not something that happens to âmeâ, not something âIâ am a victim to, rather the human condition is what âIâ am.
Felix: Regarding the huge affective ramp up that you describe â excellence experiences â I have had a few powerful ones before so I know exactly what you mean. However â hehe â I have NO idea how to make them happen and it has now been a long time since Iâve had one like that.
Also â the word I always used for those âyank you by the neck and pull you into another dimensionâ EEs was dynamic â they had such an element of unbelievable⌠not even sure what to call it. Power isnât the right word⌠but basically akin to literally being pulled into another dimension.
Hi Felix,
When you re-read those two paragraphs, can you see what happened?
You say âI have had a few powerful ones [excellence experiences] beforeâ was when âyouâ, the controller, was not in charge, else it would not have been an excellence experience. Afterwards, the controller takes back the controls and gives directions what to do and how to act/practice, as if it was all the âcontrollerâsâ doing, but naturally âI have NO idea how to make them happenâ.
Felix: Then I started to wonder, given that I know PCEs are âstillâ, if my using EEs was some other thing â like maybe they werenât the right route after all. Maybe the way into stillness was by being âstillâ affectively. Itâs not that I actively tried to stop having them but more-so a matter of just not being sure what I did. Then the more Iâve tried to bring results since then, the more that seemed to scupper things.
Hence why I have reoriented myself to feeling good in the virtual freedom way (which is still really good). And obviously if I continue like this my overall mood will keep going up and increasing likelihood of peak experiences over time.
Can you see that your modus operandi devising a plan to âorganizeâ âthe right routeâ to achieve this or that as if moving chess-pieces on a board into certain directions? Now, becoming aware of this organising the next step in advance bit by bit, you can acknowledge that you are mapping out your future from armâs length, pat yourself on the back for discovering it ⌠and instead relax, feel good and above all appreciate being alive, in this very moment that you can ever experience ⌠and let life unfold in a more naĂŻve way.
Felix: You are correct to say that, in oneâs normal state going about oneâs day, there is a bit of a tendency to âfocus on sensuosityâ with more of a neutral affect â purely because in the PCE equation, the felicity side seems like less of an easy lever to pull compared to sensuosity.
So you are exciting me reminding me of EEs but as the feeling being currently occupying this moment â itâs hard to know what I would do in this moment or any other moment in order to elicit such an event.
Which is perhaps where summoning up delight comes in. Then becomes a question of how⌠tracing back? Craigâs ladder? Rememoration?
Most things I try feel like a kind of artifice that has little power to budge my affective âset pointâ (to use a Syd word).
In regards to your mentioning âmy affective âset pointââ Richardâs article on âMarvelling at how well equipped human beings areâ has great detailed information how to up-level blind-natureâs default set-point (not as an âartificeâ but via doing it in real life) from feeling neutral to feeling good to feeling better to feeling excellent via increasing affective appreciation and paying affective attention to triggers of diminishment.
Above you considered a few more attempts to reach into the toolbox (like âfocus on sensuosityâ or âCraigâs ladder? Rememoration?â), to find the right shortcut âto elicit such an eventâ when the successful way to proceed is in the opposite direction â to allow it to happen (link) by more and more enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. Claudiu cleared up important points about this âfocus on sensuosityâ. (link)
As Kuba so succinctly described â
Kuba: This is really interesting Felix, so from what I can understand before your approach would be something like shuttling from anxiety et al and then all the way into EEs, with no stable feeling good as a baseline?
So instead the recent approach has been to focus on establishing this stable baseline of feeling good â just a general sense of well-being in order to get away from that kind of intense oscillation. (link)
Perhaps this doesnât look ambitious enough, good enough, fast enough, or seems boring, small beer or some similar feeling-backed impression, which needs looking at and declining first and instead proceed âestablishing this stable baseline of feeling goodâ by discovering and dismantling the objections to doing to. Just to let you know it is not a small feat to dare to be happy and harmless â
Richard: It takes great daring to be happy/ harmless, at all times/ in all situations/ in every circumstance, in the face of entrenched societal disapproval.
However, as to dare to care is to care to dare then that great daring is thus fuelled by genuine concern for peace-on-earth as a living actuality. (Richard, List D, No. 15, 3 Dec 2009)
To put it another way â what is the underlying affective reason why you so urgently want to jump from how you are now straight to and EE or PCE or better still straight to an actual freedom? Is there perhaps a resentment to being here cause of this, not unlike an upside-down pyramid teetering on its capstone? How can a resentment to being here give rise to an excellence experience when the âupside-down capstoneâ is rotten? Whereas when you find and remove (give up) the âupside-down capstoneâ then feeling good, better, excellent can flourish of its own accord.
Felix: Your post seems to imply that EEs are necessary for PCEs but then when I think of Pamela on the DVDs she does seem to go from âgood moodâ in one moment to instant PCE in the next without the EE rollercoaster.
I just watched the DVD with Pamela to verify how you have condensed your impression and I found that she had talked about a recent altered state she had had and the feelings of gratitude she experienced then. Because Richard asked her specific questions she contemplated and rememorated aspects of that experience and then contemplated what the contrast was to PCEs she had had in the past. Only then, when this topic was concluded and Richard asked her how she is now, then she slipped into a PCE.
So, your summary merely describes this as âgood moodâ and does not include all those details of rememoration and contemplation. On top of it you classify/ reduce an excellence experience to a ârollercoasterâ. I would say that you, the âcontrollerâ/ âdoerâ has a minimalistic therefore ineffective narrative devising the plans for future actions.
Felix; Obviously interested in your input too Vineeto. (link)
I am curious what you make of it.
Cheers Vineeto
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Just a few reflections Iâm havingâŚIâve been spending time contemplating a lot lately - each moment again, looking to see whatâs there.
What Iâm experiencing is that the Doer/Controller is there in nearly every single moment. Iâm hyper aware and vigilant, always with an âintent to feel goodâ that often does not hit its mark.
Occasionally, such as last night, when I am doing something else (like driving), things quickly scale up and it goes into feeling great or excellence - itâs a sudden and very surprising reprieve from my usual way of operating.
But most of the time when Iâm actually purposely aware, the opposite is happening. I feel âstuckâ, and very awake/active - which I know is actually putting myself in the way all the time. Itâs exhausting and kind of depressing.
This dichotomy, of experiencing both ways, but never being able to willingly go from the stuck state to the excellence state, is confusing. Thatâs what Iâve been looking at.
Itâs like there is this tendency to cling - half of me once to jump off the cliff into the water, the other half is clinging to the edge and fearful. Meanwhile Iâm hanging on to tight, feeling my feelings with all my awareness, and hoping itâs going to work.
What is this oversleeping ambition and desperation? Itâs pathological. Itâs like âIâ wonât let myself relax until I achieve this thing that I absolutely must must must achieve. And why? Is it for peace on earth? Or is it for my own means my own sense of self, my own need to accomplish something on this earth. Vineeto is right, itâs always better/faster/stronger - preventing even a simple baseline level of feeling good.
Iâve never seen this clearly before. I mean I knew Iâve always been a bit âintenseâ, goal-focused etc - but I couldnât see it in my awareness because my awareness was so co-opted by this drive. Itâs so hidden - it seems to be almost intrinsic to my very being, and a deep survival mechanism thatâs encoded in my nervous system. Itâs âFelixâs wayâ, that Iâve used for everything since a small child. âIf I donât work hard, if I am not enough, if I relax - Iâm going to be exiled or die.â And all of this has been put into actualism - it could have been anything else and I would have still had incremental success to distract me from it, but not this. The pea under the mattress that has not allowed me to sleep. In a way (my application of) actualism has further held my feet to the fire and kept me constantly striving more than ever.
Tears are coming as I write this. Itâs very unusual for me - I think I am coming to something genuine. The relief of seeing this. The âSpannungâ (tension) that has been wound and wound and wound over years is gently unwinding a bit and it feels good.
I just read Richardâs quote about letting this moment live one, rather than trying to live in the moment.
⢠[Richard]: (âŚ). I have oft-times said that if one allows this moment to live one (rather than trying to live in the moment) oneâs journey will be over sooner rather than later. (Actual Freedom Mailing List, No. 32, 27 April 2002
).
///
Im starting to realise that I am deathly afraid to be naive. At the same time Iâm realising that I can be. Lots of tears. I donât want to fight anymore.
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Felix: (âŚ) What is this oversleeping ambition and desperation? Itâs pathological. Itâs like âIâ wonât let myself relax until I achieve this thing that I absolutely must must must achieve. And why? Is it for peace on earth? Or is it for my own means my own sense of self, my own need to accomplish something on this earth. Vineeto is right, itâs always better/ faster/ stronger â preventing even a simple baseline level of feeling good.
Hi Felix,
Hold that thought/ insight that your impulse is to be âalways better/ faster/ strongerâ. This very insight is the dawning of the actualism method â
Respondent: How does the mere seeing how silly it is make us happy once again?
Richard: Because nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth getting malicious or miserable about (let alone compensatingly loving and compassionate) when the realisation that this moment is the only one there ever is becomes the actuality it already always is. To explain: just as space is an arena for objects to exist in so too is time an arena (so to speak) for events to occur; just as the arena called space does not move neither does the arena (so too speak) called time move, either. A clock (originally a primitive sundial) measures the rate of rotation of planet earth on its axis; a calendar measures the rate of its orbit around its star (the sun); neither is a measure of time as time eternally stands still.
Is it not silly to be malicious/ miserable (or counter-actively loving/ compassionate) where felicity/ innocuity is eternally available? Is it not sensible to be felicitous/ innocuous instead? (Richard, List D, No. 11, 24 Nov 2009).
Itâs a longstanding habit for you but that doesnât mean you cannot decline this silly suggestion of being âalways better/ faster/ strongerâ, the moment you become aware of it happening.
Felix: Iâve never seen this clearly before. I mean I knew Iâve always been a bit âintenseâ, goal-focused etc â but I couldnât see it in my awareness because my awareness was so co-opted by this drive. Itâs so hidden â it seems to be almost intrinsic to my very being, and a deep survival mechanism thatâs encoded in my nervous system. Itâs âFelixâs wayâ, that Iâve used for everything since a small child. âIf I donât work hard, if I am not enough, if I relax â Iâm going to be exiled or die.â And all of this has been put into actualism â it could have been anything else and I would have still had incremental success to distract me from it, but not this. The pea under the mattress that has not allowed me to sleep. In a way (my application of) actualism has further held my feet to the fire and kept me constantly striving more than ever.
Yes, itâs clearly âFelixâs wayâ and you persistently perpetuated it as doing âactualismâ when it is nothing of the sort. And you already found the answer why you feel driven to do it âFelixâs wayâ â âIf I donât work hard, if I am not enough, if I relax â Iâm going to be exiled or die.â
For simplicity sake you can call this fear (or being scared or being anxious âŚ) and here is what Richard suggests you do in this situation â the moment you become aware of this feeling of fear driving you to act in âFelixâs wayâ, STOP.
Stop in your tracks, take some deep breaths and stop rejecting/ fighting the panic. Just let it be there, this is âwhoâ you ARE in this moment, itâs ok, all feeling beings are feeling like this at one time or another.
You will notice, the fear diminishes because you donât add affective energy to that feeling when you stop resisting it/ blaming yourself (in the name of trying to feel good, for instance). When you genuinely stop resisting to feel how you feel/ stop resisting that you feel this way (because itâs not the âFelixâs wayâ), then youâll find that the intensity of the feeling diminishes to the point of feeling good. Thatâs not a permanent change but a beginning to counteract this persistent habit of torturing yourself this way.
Felix: Tears are coming as I write this. Itâs very unusual for me â I think I am coming to something genuine. The relief of seeing this. The âSpannungâ (tension) that has been wound and wound and wound over years is gently unwinding a bit and it feels good.
I just read Richardâs quote about letting this moment live one, rather than trying to live in the moment.⢠[Richard]: (âŚ). I have oft-times said that if one allows this moment to live one (rather than trying to live in the moment) oneâs journey will be over sooner rather than later. (AF List, No. 32, 27 April 2002).
Felix: Iâm starting to realise that I am deathly afraid to be naive. At the same time Iâm realising that I can be. Lots of tears. I donât want to fight anymore. (link)
There is no need to jump from I âwonât let myself relax until I achieve this thingâ and the fear of âif I donât work hard, if I am not enough, if I relax â Iâm going to be exiled or dieâ to suddenly being naĂŻve â that is again pushing/ driving yourself to do the impossible. First get back to feeling good by declining this habit of driving yourself, no matter to what.
NaivetĂŠ happens when you learn to be able to allow it to happen â so first turn off the flame under the pressure cooker and let the accumulated pressure subside before you attempt to lift the lid (if you are familiar with pressure cookers youâll understand).
While you are allowing yourself to relax, and contemplate that this fear that you are âgoing to be exiled or dieâ is not backed up by factual evidence â then permit yourself to have some fun and enjoy. You can even contemplate to be in a different way to the âFelixâs wayâ, perhaps temporary at first, as a test drive and when you like the new way then for a bit longer âŚ
Cheers Vineeto
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Barriers that have been there for a long time seem to be disappearing. Or in other words, somehow my awareness and application of the method is allowing me to go âdeeperâ into layers that before served as huge blockers.
One thing I did was let go of actualism for a while. It was clear what I was doing simply wasnât working. I actually got so neurotic, so out of whack, that my wellbeing dropped below the average - even for the human condition.
I took some time off to travel, meet new people, get off my phone, drop addictions and escapes - all of this helped a lot. It seems to have laid a more stable foundationâŚatm I have a boyfriend, work is going well, there is some stability to my routine. Not everything is riding on actualism, and my life is no longer âbreaking downâ by real world standards.
Iâve forgotten nothing of actualismâŚbut Iâve âscooped outâ the rotten part of my identity that was so desperate for it. The resentment for being alive hiding as ambition to become free.
(I canât deliver a continuous thread here so apologies if this post has no continuity or overarching message from the outside. I can clear it up later)
Notes from the plane the other day: Remembering the PCE
âAppreciating the vitality required, the will to âdoâ something (not just accept oneâs fate). An awareness of this being the only moment, and allowing myself to be almost idle. Letting everything be exactly as it is, and not manipulating experience either. And from there appreciating âŚ
ââââ
My awareness is somehow working in such a different wayâŚthere is recently way more appreciation and way more sincerity. They seem to go in handâŚthereâs a sense of this all being possible, and it enhances the desire to go further and further. I can literally perceive the neurochemistry of my brain changing - an experience of constant stress and threat is being replaced with a feeling of enjoyment and peace and optimism that enhances this very moment. Itâs all at this very moment that these changes happen. Thatâs what I seemed to have insight into on the plane the other day - a transition from feeling like Iâm trying (and failing) to âbe in the momentâ versus truly allowing this moment to be as it is, without any manipulation (including even, trying to feel good).
From there I seem to be learning what to do. In contrast to before, I have almost no anxiety about actualism working or not, or whether Iâll become actually free or not. That whole âcross to bearâ or burden or pressure or internal emotional pressure cooker was a feeling-based manufacture of a pernicious part of my identity obsessed with status as a means of survival and safety.
Feeling good provides confidence and security and optimism in great measure, that this moment of being alive is enough. Such benevolence allows blockers and beliefs to dissolve with ease (they dissolve of their own accord, sans effort).
But to be clear, feeling good is not the outcome of trying to feel good (one part of the method I could never work out ). It seems to arise as a consequence of a sincere desire to let this moment evoke its own magnanimity (or conversely, to penetrate through feeling layers of experience to locate the fundament of experience itself). In contrast to what a feeling being might imagine, this requires allowing the physicality and sensuosity of this moment to stand of its own accord, rather than fabricating and generating an emotional experience which gilds and perfumes and elevates what is already occurring.
Counterintuitively, it is this allowing which seems to clear the ground (emotionally speaking) for this momentâs potency to be fully appreciated. Itâs not an appreciation imposed by me, but an experiential appreciation that results from lack of imposition. As a feeling being there is no fight at this point, because it just feels so good to feel good - itâs all anyone could ever want.
âTrying to feel goodâ is me trying my hardest to survive and maintain myself - but it can be very difficult to see that. What has worked for me is leading a good life, as much as possible - as this helps stabilise an ability to feel good more
often (developing a holiday feeling) which opens the door to it being this moment via appreciation.
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Another thing I found instrumental was the following quote from Vineeto upon Richardâs death, which I recently reread:
Vineeto: Allow any affective energy of shock or sadness to transform and express itself as a deep and abiding appreciation - for Richardâs discovery and words, for the fact that an actual freedom is available now - and further a deep and abiding appreciation for the purity and perfection that exists everywhere around you, both in the natural world (the Four Affect-Free States of Matter) and in human beings including your own flesh-and-blood body (as a potential, apparent in your and other peopleâs kindness, brought to the fore by your own deep and ongoing appreciation of each person you come in contact with).
The above made me realise that my attempted object of appreciation was not this moment (including other people, the world around me), but rather an ethereal/non-existent/imagined target of projected perfection - a hope of the actual world that repeatedly never eventuated (and thus reinforced a sense of disappointment and failure which kept me perpetually locked out of
feeling good).
In other words, I saw after reading Vineetoâs words that what was required and POSSIBLE was a total relational change between me and âmy lifeâ via this moment - in other words a totally down-to-earth and genuine appreciation for being alive, rather than an imagined one. Like I said, now having more of a balanced life (one that would typically give a feeling being a sense of general enjoyment and stability, compared to, say, a tumultuous and chaotic one) seems to have made this step a lot easier than it was before.
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Felix: Another thing I found instrumental was the following quote from Vineeto upon Richardâs death, which I recently reread:
Vineeto: Allow any affective energy of shock or sadness to transform and express itself as a deep and abiding appreciation â for Richardâs discovery and words, for the fact that an actual freedom is available now â and further a deep and abiding appreciation for the purity and perfection that exists everywhere around you, both in the natural world (the Four Affect-Free States of Matter) and in human beings including your own flesh-and-blood body (as a potential, apparent in your and other peopleâs kindness, brought to the fore by your own deep and ongoing appreciation of each person you come in contact with). (Actualvineeto, to the List at Large, 7 Jun 2024).
Felix: The above made me realise that my attempted object of appreciation was not this moment (including other people, the world around me), but rather an ethereal/ non-existent/ imagined target of projected perfection â a hope of the actual world that repeatedly never eventuated (and thus reinforced a sense of disappointment and failure which kept me perpetually locked out of feeling good).
Hi Felix,
Welcome back. I am pleased to hear you are much better now and seemed to have identified this âethereal/ non-existent/ imagined target of projected perfectionâ which created such havoc in your life before.
I appreciate you found, and put to excellent use, my first post to this list regarding the significance of appreciation, which was powerfully obvious to me after Richard died.
Felix: In other words, I saw after reading Vineetoâs words that what was required and POSSIBLE was a total relational change between me and âmy lifeâ via this moment â in other words a totally down-to-earth and genuine appreciation for being alive, rather than an imagined one. Like I said, now having more of a balanced life (one that would typically give a feeling being a sense of general enjoyment and stability, compared to, say, a tumultuous and chaotic one) seems to have made this step a lot easier than it was before. (link)
It is wonderful to hear of your âsense of general enjoyment and stabilityâ now â you really had to âwork hardâ to recognize and remove this culturally-ingrained obstacle to feeling good and liking yourself.
My best wishes.
Cheers Vineeto
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Hey Vineeto, thanks for the encouragement and lovely to hear from you.
I donât know exactly what animated me to write that post in exactly the way I did - I was in a particular state at the time (feeling good but there was something maybe a little bitâŚenlightenmenty wi the some lofty blissful feelings getting mixed in that I could detect) and itâs not my usual way of writing. It reads a bit haughty in retrospect but I had no self consciousness about writing it at the time!
When in less lofty territory I am currently âpractisingâ the method in the most basic way. It amazes me that it works but itâs also clear that there are a number of blockers that can stop the actualism method from being straightforward and obvious.
The main thing being of course, the nature of feelings themselves. They are very strong and once a particular mood or emotion has come about, it can be (apparently to oneself at the time) very hard to shake. I notice a tendency in myself to either deny (âeverythingâs fine and lifeâs goodâ) or to wallow (clinging harder to the emotion, indulging it, having feeling-led thoughts and fantasies about it all).
I wouldnât say the feelings are arbitrary though (though in a global sense, yes they are). Following them and listening to them you can kind of feel out their origin, their âmessageâ and the type of worldview that they paint. For example Iâve identified a kind of sorrow I sometimes get that causes me to separate myself from the entire world - usually triggered by major failure. Itâs a childish (and fairly likely rooted-in-childhood) kind of âeveryone wants to hurt meâ sorrowful feeling with a scorched earth ânothing will ever be good enoughâ bent. I donât feel it that often - Iâm more likely to experience what Iâve identified as itâs counterpart - which is a sense of needing to achieve, needing to overcome difficult circumstances, and needing to win at something in order to fix myself in some way. Itâs if/when that plan fails (which it inevitably does) that the isolating sorrow is triggered. Cue a desire to listen to emo music and analyse my life from every possible angle as to how it all went wrong haha.
But indeed, feeling out emotions only gets you so far and the resistance to getting back to feeling good can be strong. Iâve been finding that it really helps to think of ânipping in the budâ even if I am already deeply in a feeling. That may sound dissociative but itâs not actually, itâs more like a cue to stop expressing the feeling basically (and a reminder that itâs not all as deep as the feeling makes it seem, that feeling good is just a step or two away).
This can create a quick touchstone with the present moment and now in a more felicitous form, which comes as a positive surprise and then itâs easy to appreciate that one is suddenly feeling much better.
Itâs amazing how this achieves the âend goalâ of feeling good now and then I no longer have the urge to do all the analysing (of my life) and intellectualising (about actual freedom) that I subsequently realise I was doing.
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Felix: Hey Vineeto, thanks for the encouragement and lovely to hear from you.
I donât know exactly what animated me to write that post in exactly the way I did â I was in a particular state at the time (feeling good but there was something maybe a little bit⌠enlightenmenty with some lofty blissful feelings getting mixed in that I could detect) and itâs not my usual way of writing. It reads a bit haughty in retrospect but I had no self consciousness about writing it at the time!
Hi Felix,
Good to talk again.
Donât be coy about the insight of having identified this âethereal/ non-existent/ imagined target of projected perfectionâ as having been your âattempted object of appreciationâ. This âethereal ⌠target of projected perfectionâ is exactly what prevented you from appreciating what is right under your nose, and what enormous benefit to be rid of it. I know from other correspondences that many had similar difficulties.
Here Richard described how it was for âVineetoâ â
Richard: ⌠such tergiversation reminds me of what feeling-being âVineetoâ reported after the first few weeks of listening to me/ reading my words.
Speaking in regards to the effects any and all attempts to fit this totally new paradigm into âherâ existing mindset were having, âsheâ explained the process as being ⌠(1.) as if âherâ brain was being turned upside-down ⌠and how (2.) âsheâ was having to relearn how to think all over again. (Richard, List D, Alan, 29 Feb 2016).
It can be a tumultuous process at first, to clearly and fully understand that actualism is not at all like the real-world or spiritual world way. It is indeed an entirely new paradigm [prototype] to human consciousness.
Felix: When in less lofty territory I am currently âpractisingâ the method in the most basic way. It amazes me that it works but itâs also clear that there are a number of blockers that can stop the actualism method from being straightforward and obvious.
Itâs good to always get back to âthe most basic wayâ â because it is really very simple. Only when one wants to make it sophisticated one gets entangled in oneâs own mind-games.
Felix: The main thing being of course, the nature of feelings themselves. They are very strong and once a particular mood or emotion has come about, it can be (apparently to oneself at the time) very hard to shake. I notice a tendency in myself to either deny (âeverythingâs fine and lifeâs goodâ) or to wallow (clinging harder to the emotion, indulging it, having feeling-led thoughts and fantasies about it all).
I wouldnât say the feelings are arbitrary though (though in a global sense, yes they are). Following them and listening to them you can kind of feel out their origin, their âmessageâ and the type of worldview that they paint. For example Iâve identified a kind of sorrow I sometimes get that causes me to separate myself from the entire world â usually triggered by major failure. Itâs a childish (and fairly likely rooted-in-childhood) kind of âeveryone wants to hurt meâ sorrowful feeling with a scorched earth ânothing will ever be good enoughâ bent. I donât feel it that often â Iâm more likely to experience what Iâve identified as itâs counterpart â which is a sense of needing to achieve, needing to overcome difficult circumstances, and needing to win at something in order to fix myself in some way. Itâs if/when that plan fails (which it inevitably does) that the isolating sorrow is triggered. Cue a desire to listen to emo music and analyse my life from every possible angle as to how it all went wrong haha.
Ha, it seems you have already extensively felt out your most common feelings and found many to be in the similar âsorrowful feeling with a scorched earthâ category, so much so that you can laugh about it at times. May I ask, do you enjoy the âdrama queenâ (âVineetoâ did for a while) or have a particular penchant for victim-hood? These can be quite addictive personas.
Felix: But indeed, feeling out emotions only gets you so far and the resistance to getting back to feeling good can be strong. Iâve been finding that it really helps to think of ânipping in the budâ even if I am already deeply in a feeling. That may sound dissociative but itâs not actually, itâs more like a cue to stop expressing the feeling basically (and a reminder that itâs not all as deep as the feeling makes it seem, that feeling good is just a step or two away).
Well, once you see through a particular game you play with yourself, itâs not dissociative to nip it in the bud, rather sensible. After all the actualism method is enjoying and appreciating, not diving into deep emotions for the sake of it.
However, investigating the obstacles to feeling good is more looking for the reasons why you have those (sticky) negative feelings in the first place, in other words why you keep them. Is there a belief or moral/ dogma or other reason behind it? Are you defending a particular aspect of your identity?
Felix: This can create a quick touchstone with the present moment and now in a more felicitous form, which comes as a positive surprise and then itâs easy to appreciate that one is suddenly feeling much better.
Itâs amazing how this achieves the âend goalâ of feeling good now and then I no longer have the urge to do all the analysing (of my life) and intellectualising (about actual freedom) that I subsequently realise I was doing. (link)
So, despite your penchant for deep feelings you ultimately know where your bread is buttered, so to speak.
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi Vineeto, I didnât even realise you had replied but now I came to write something and it was amazing how apropos what you wrote was.
I wanted to write because I am having somewhat of an epiphany right at the moment. Something really really significant - I can feel it is because all the tectonic plates are shifting in my brain. Itâs not my usual experiencing, Iâm feeling a big shift thatâs causing big changes to my feeling experience as I write, even at this very moment [not so easy to describe in words but 1) a release of feeling good 2) feeling âunlockedâ 3) nervous system relaxation 4) shifting of perception of the way things are]z
And itâs all happening because of investigation into one thing - safety.
So itâs very apt that you wrote the following, which I am now answering even though I didnât know you had asked me this:
Vineeto: However, investigating the obstacles to feeling good is more looking for the reasons why you have those (sticky) negative feelings in the first place, in other words why you keep them. Is there a belief or moral/ dogma or other reason behind it? Are you defending a particular aspect of your identity?
Indeed - I am currently seeing through a huge internal belief framework around threat, stress and safety. Usually, me and this threat detection are one and the same - my sense of identity is wrapped up in it, with all the fears and panic and emotional shutdown that comes with it. For the last few years Iâve had a distinct sense of being âemotionally shutdownâ or ânumbââŚalmost like there is a heavy grey sky over every thing that happens. Of course I was âtrying to feel goodâ, but it seemed as if the grey sky with its threatening thunder and bolts of lightning was making it impossible. As if you and Richard were asking me to look at that grey scary sky and call it a clear, blue one.
I have felt trapped by actualism, trapped by the real world, and trapped by my own brain/psyche - as I scrambled. All the time it felt the walls were closing in, that I didnât have enough air, that I was stuck in a kind of pressure cooker - seemingly caused by the need to become free juxtaposed with my apparent inability to do so. The paradoxical nature of actualism itself (to be an illusory self dismantling itself) also felt so scary too, like something important I couldnât mess up. My brain has been in absolute overdrive trying to figure it all out, find the right explanations (such as hypotheses about having various conditions whether autism or chronic fatigue or childhood trauma) and try to explain all the trouble.
It goes deeper than saying that the fear and panic there was a set of feelings I occasionally had. It would be more accurate to say that it has been my primary modus operandi. This neurotic, paranoid and fearful lens has been so engrained, and seemingly so encoded in the nervous system (appearing to be an actual survival strategy or survival response) that I was not able to see a possibility outside of it. I saw myself/the world like that and any thought or feeling I had seemed to fit itself into that overarching perception.
I even wonder if some of the PCEs I had actually exacerbated all of this too. It was a hypothesis of Richard at the time (that I may have been freaked out by the PCEs). Indeed I have had a sense of being so emotionally frozen - not suffering intense emotional extremes (depression, grief, euphoria etc) - but nevertheless suffering a kind of chronic shutdown state. So I clung to all the supposed actualism ârulesâ Iâd memorised, along with various insights and pieces of advice from Richard, yourself and others, just trying to find a way to survive in my circumstances.
Itâs so strange how something so loud and obvious (and obnoxious!:)) has escaped my awareness for so long. I think fear has had me totally in its grip, that I couldnât see things clearly enough to disentangle myself from it.
How can I be so cunning as to evade my own fear?
Now I see that everything I do, I do out of fear. And I think I am seeing there is something beyond it. Wow.
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Hi Felix,
I am happy to hear of your success with locating this fear, I too found something similar - that underneath the various aspects of âmyâ identity such as the high achiever, the problem solver etc. Was fear, this fear was like the foundation upon which all other dramas were built. And I had inklings that this was the case but then what to do with this fear?
I remember thinking that there is just no way this fear could be tackled in the same way as looking at a belief or some other outer layer of âmeâ, this was pure instinctual fear, like a cornered animal. And âIâ did not want to be seen in that place, even though it was exactly the bright light of awareness that could effect change.
The other thing I saw was that âIâ would do anything but allow such direct seeing into the depths of âmyâ being, anything âIâ would buy as a distraction from experiencing âmyselfâ where âIâ am forever threatened. In my case this was armchair philosophising and steeple chasing as Vineeto called it.
And I found that indeed there is something beyond it, that fear - as real as it is - is not a fact. But in order to see this, to actually see it, I had to look. And it is such a wonderful thing when those monsters and demons which exist deep down are seen to be commensurate to the rest of âmeâ, an instinctual passionate drama.
Also having seen the above, it is like chipping away at the very action of believing, it is having concrete evidence that it is safe to proceed through the various aspects of the human condition, that it is all commensurate and none of it actual. It means there is a certain confidence which develops to keep going no matter what as nothing can go wrong.
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Felix: Hi Vineeto, I didnât even realise you had replied but now I came to write something and it was amazing how apropos what you wrote was.
I wanted to write because I am having somewhat of an epiphany right at the moment. Something really really significant â I can feel it is because all the tectonic plates are shifting in my brain. Itâs not my usual experiencing, Iâm feeling a big shift thatâs causing big changes to my feeling experience as I write, even at this very moment [not so easy to describe in words but 1) a release of feeling good 2) feeling âunlockedâ 3) nervous system relaxation 4) shifting of perception of the way things are].
And itâs all happening because of investigation into one thing â safety.
Hi Felix,
What deliciously good news. It looks like you have had tangible success in finding to break the vicious cycle of staying trapped in fear. This is a huge step forward towards more ease and enjoyment â and more to come as you say that âall the tectonic plates are shifting in my brainâ.
It reminds me of what feeling being âVineetoâ reported to Richard â
Richard: ⌠âafter the first few weeks of listening to me/ reading my words.
Speaking in regards to the effects any and all attempts to fit this totally new paradigm into âherâ existing mindset were having, âsheâ explained the process as being ⌠(1.) as if âherâ brain was being turned upside-down ⌠and how (2.) âsheâ was having to relearn how to think all over again. (Richard, List D, Alan, 29 Feb 2016).
A lot of things started falling into place after that, sometimes of their own accord, once the âturning upside-downâ of âherâ brain was initiated.
And for you, one of the key elements was to question, for the first time, if âsafetyâ as you saw it was what it made out to be, and âa huge internal belief framework around threat, stress and safetyâ is starting to crumble as a result.
Well done.
â
Felix: So itâs very apt that you wrote the following, which I am now answering even though I didnât know you had asked me this:
Vineeto: However, investigating the obstacles to feeling good is more looking for the reasons why you have those (sticky) negative feelings in the first place, in other words why you keep them. Is there a belief or moral/ dogma or other reason behind it? Are you defending a particular aspect of your identity?
Felix: Indeed â I am currently seeing through a huge internal belief framework around threat, stress and safety. Usually, me and this threat detection are one and the same â my sense of identity is wrapped up in it, with all the fears and panic and emotional shutdown that comes with it. For the last few years Iâve had a distinct sense of being âemotionally shutdownâ or ânumbâ ⌠almost like there is a heavy grey sky over every thing that happens. Of course I was âtrying to feel goodâ, but it seemed as if the grey sky with its threatening thunder and bolts of lightning was making it impossible. As if you and Richard were asking me to look at that grey scary sky and call it a clear, blue one.
I have felt trapped by actualism, trapped by the real world, and trapped by my own brain/ psyche â as I scrambled. All the time it felt the walls were closing in, that I didnât have enough air, that I was stuck in a kind of pressure cooker â seemingly caused by the need to become free juxtaposed with my apparent inability to do so. The paradoxical nature of actualism itself (to be an illusory self dismantling itself) also felt so scary too, like something important I couldnât mess up. My brain has been in absolute overdrive trying to figure it all out, find the right explanations (such as hypotheses about having various conditions whether autism or chronic fatigue or childhood trauma) and try to explain all the trouble
It goes deeper than saying that the fear and panic there was a set of feelings I occasionally had. It would be more accurate to say that it has been my primary modus operandi. This neurotic, paranoid and fearful lens has been so engrained, and seemingly so encoded in the nervous system (appearing to be an actual survival strategy or survival response) that I was not able to see a possibility outside of it. I saw myself/ the world like that and any thought or feeling I had seemed to fit itself into that overarching perception.
I even wonder if some of the PCEs I had actually exacerbated all of this too. It was a hypothesis of Richard at the time (that I may have been freaked out by the PCEs). Indeed I have had a sense of being so emotionally frozen â not suffering intense emotional extremes (depression, grief, euphoria etc) â but nevertheless suffering a kind of chronic shutdown state. So I clung to all the supposed actualism ârulesâ Iâd memorised, along with various insights and pieces of advice from Richard, yourself and others, just trying to find a way to survive in my circumstances.
Well, when you read this piece of writing again in a few days, when more of the changes in the background have had time to come into effect, you will see that the core âselfâ-survival mechanism, âmeâ, has turned feeling good and all the memorized âsupposed actualism ârulesââ into weapons to keep you stressed and frightened, and have as such cemented this very structure you were seeking to escape from.
It was only your determined persistence that there must be another way to live, that this cannot be all there is to life, which finally brought results, and you made a big dent into this âinternal belief frameworkâ sabotaging any success before. The success was instantly visible and tangible â â1) a release of feeling good 2) feeling âunlockedâ 3) nervous system relaxation 4) shifting of perception of the way things areâ.
Felix: Itâs so strange how something so loud and obvious (and obnoxious!:)) has escaped my awareness for so long. I think fear has had me totally in its grip, that I couldnât see things clearly enough to disentangle myself from it.
Dear Felix, it is not strange at all, this is part and parcel of the survival program to avoid and prevent change at all cost once you learnt a technique very early in life how to survive under specific circumstances. Itâs only âloud and obviousâ when you are out of the tunnel, not before. You can really pat yourself on the back and then some more â it has been an enormous task to tackle and dig yourself out from.
The cute part is, once one aspect is resolved, there are no scars and barely any memories of it either.
Felix: How can I be so cunning as to evade my own fear?
Now I see that everything I do, I do out of fear. And I think I am seeing there is something beyond it. Wow. (link)
This is well and truly wonderful, and Kuba told you his own story how he was trapped by fear and found his way out. (link)
This can give encouragement to everyone reading of both your successes.
Cheers Vineeto
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