Claudiu: A few updates:
I definitely notice that sitting with and delving into the depths of ‘my’ being, there’s a distinct reluctance to really get to the ‘bottom’ of it. A sort of reluctance/ avoidance phenomenon. I do really want to know what the ‘bottom’ of it is, though – experientially! I see how I can fuel this wanting-to-know with passionate desire, it’s something I really do want, and the full force of ‘my’ desire will allow it to happen.
Although I didn’t get to the ‘end’ of the above, at one point yesterday whilst sitting at my computer desk at my home hall-office, I suddenly ‘got’ it (concomitantly) that not only will I have to actually get to the very end, go all the way, of such an exploration, but also that I will actually do this. The seeing that it is needed to succeed, plus that I will go all the way, was simultaneous.
This led to an absolute blast of an exciting time. I experienced it like being really on the adventure of a lifetime. I had visions like I was going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword – that was the level of excitement I felt – and far more safely because I could do it all from just sitting in my house!
Hi Claudiu,
You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it.
In my experience, becoming actually free is the opposite of a fight, it is full acquiescence of all of your ‘being’ to become extinct because at that point there is only one choice. When all of ‘me’ agrees that there is only one choice there is no inner division of one part of ‘me’ fighting another part.
Claudiu: This brought out a naive exuberance that was really a ton of fun. This had an effect in all my dealings and doings with others, and went well, up until in the late evening there developed an irritated/ annoyed/ frustrated atmosphere having to do with working together to move some furniture around. The naivete gave way to being annoyed and feeling like I was unfairly offended-against.
Today I still feel the aftereffects of such aggression, and now I am contemplating on how to beneficially use this passionate energy of this instinctual passion. ‘How’ to passionately use the aggressive energy towards my aim?
I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around. But then you had some useful insights nevertheless.
Claudiu: A lot of it just seems to do with sitting with and seeing it for what it is. For a brief spell I was worried that the fact of me feeling aggression would somehow disqualify me from succeeding. Like, what do I do about this? But then I saw with clear seeing what had happened: the instinctual passion of aggression happens first, then on top of this the passion swirls into a ‘me’ that is a ‘who’ which is who ‘I’ am, who is aggressive and at times nurture this aggression to ‘my’ bosom. But this ‘who’ is not set in stone. Actually what it ‘really’ is is ‘just’ an underlying feeling of aggression. This clear seeing is remarkably refreshing and removes any moral weight from it (as in I am a ‘bad’ person for feeling this way). And then I see it’s actually just a choice whether to continue being aggressive or not. And now I see that feeling this way or that does not disqualify me in any way, nor actually change what I want, which is to succeed for the benefit of this body & every body. And it being for the benefit of others as well is really a crucial component, it ‘locks in’ the significance of what I do and automatically orients me in a more sensible direction.
Excellent. Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with? The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it).
‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)
So I think I answered my own question while typing it out lol, and now a familiar joy, lightness of being, and exuberance is rising yet again (link)
So you did!
Claudiu: Really funny thing just now. I see now that … I can literally just choose self-sacrifice! Like, self-sacrifice is an option that I can just pick.
Somehow I did not really realize this before. I thought I had to do it in some round-about way where because I am intrinsically self-centered I can’t really directly choose self-sacrifice. Which just amounts to trying to trick myself into it lol.
But it’s one of the options available to me! I can literally just pick it lol (link)
I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now?
Claudiu: I think I am still missing some step between the instinctual passion of aggression and:
Vineeto: You see, in whatever form the instinctual passion is happening, be they desire, nurture (compassion/passionate caring) or fear, you need to fully feel and embrace your ‘being’ and fully experienced it as what ‘you’ are in order to be harnessed and channelled for your goal, else any attempt to ‘self’-immolate will be still-born or evade side-ways.
Claudiu: and
Vineeto: Again, ‘I’ will not agree to become extinct because it’s a sensible idea or because the alternative is “ultimately dissatisfying”. ‘I’ need to be fully and passionately on board and for that ‘I’, the passionate ‘me’ as well as the sensible ‘me’ need to take part in the final decision as a passionately felt decision.
Claudiu: Richard’s report of sitting with it seems apt with minor modifications only, so I will go on this direction, e.g. instead of ‘fear’ it would be ‘aggression’ because I do really want to know, once and for all, what this aggression is which drives human beings for millennia into the horrible things we get up to on a regular basis on a global scale. (link)
I am fascinated what you are going to report. 
Cheers Vineeto