A few updates:
I definitely notice that sitting with and delving into the depths of ‘my’ being, there’s a distinct reluctance to really get to the ‘bottom’ of it. A sort of reluctance/avoidance phenomenon. I do really want to know what the ‘bottom’ of it is, though – experientially! I see how I can fuel this wanting-to-know with passionate desire, it’s something I really do want, and the full force of ‘my’ desire will allow it to happen.
Although I didn’t get to the ‘end’ of the above, at one point yesterday whilst sitting at my computer desk at my home hall-office, I suddenly ‘got’ it (concomitantly) that not only will I have to actually get to the very end, go all the way, of such an exploration, but also that I will actually do this. The seeing that it is needed to succeed, plus that I will go all the way, was simultaneous.
This led to an absolute blast of an exciting time. I experienced it like being really on the adventure of a lifetime. I had visions like I was going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword – that was the level of excitement I felt – and far more safely because I could do it all from just sitting in my house!
This brought out a naive exuberance that was really a ton of fun. This had an effect in all my dealings and doings with others, and went well up until in the late evening there developed an irritated/annoyed/frustrated atmosphere having to do with working together to move some furniture around. The naivete gave way to being annoyed and feeling like I was unfairly offended-against.
Today I still feel the aftereffects of such aggression, and now I am contemplating on how to beneficially use this passionate energy of this instinctual passion. ‘How’ to passionately use the aggressive energy towards my aim?
A lot of it just seems to do with sitting with and seeing it for what it is. For a brief spell I was worried that the fact of me feeling aggression would somehow disqualify me from succeeding. Like, what do I do about this? But then I saw with clear seeing what had happened: the instinctual passion of aggression happens first, then on top of this the passion swirls into a ‘me’ that is a ‘who’ which is who ‘I’ am, who is aggressive and at times nurture this aggression to ‘my’ bosom. But this ‘who’ is not set in stone. Actually what it ‘really’ is is ‘just’ an underlying feeling of aggression. This clear seeing is remarkably refreshing and removes any moral weight from it (as in I am a ‘bad’ person for feeling this way). And then I see it’s actually just a choice whether to continue being aggressive or not. And now I see that feeling this way or that does not disqualify me in any way, nor actually change what I want, which is to succeed for the benefit of this body & every body. And it being for the benefit of others as well is really a crucial component, it ‘locks in’ the significance of what I do and automatically orients me in a more sensible direction.
So I think I answered my own question while typing it out lol, and now a familiar joy, lightness of being, and exuberance is rising yet again 