Thanks Vineeto.
Indeed, I had never considered that I was/am looking for “incoming attacks “ constantly.
Again, I am left puzzled at how I was ever going to get anywhere with this!
It reminds me of a comedian who recently talked about general anxiety, where he had thought it was perfectly normal to a certain way around people.
It’s less of a warrior, and more of a worrier. I know this because although I do remember saying what you remembered, it was I believe borrowed from someone else saying it, and when I heard them say it, I identified with it heavily. I was in my mid twenties, in a large corporate setting talking to the drafting manager. At the same time I had been going through extreme psych/spiritual events whilst leaving Christianity only a few years prior. The process went on for around 5 years. In that time I had even given myself a new private name, which was coupled with (in hindsight) sub-clinical hallucinations both visual and auditory.
(All this is self diagnosing here)
One of the things I had been contemplating in the last few weeks was the amount of terror I suppress. Specifically related to Christianity and the otherwise ghoulish nature of the doctrines of hell and sin. The medieval invention of hell, with its Dante and others horror was more real to me than I had previously thought. Wired into me, and intertwined with everyday anxiety which might be considered more “everyday “ and normal.
It may all well be something very normal, as there was always this sense that I was craving notoriety, that I had “no excuse “ and craved something to explain my ineptitude.
However, even typing that out I can see the “sin nature” doctrine speaking, That I am forever doomed except by the grace of god.
It would seem that I have only one MO that has results, disappear then cause (in my mind) a “stir” and by someone else’s “grace” get saved. If only for a few weeks.
It’s always been a huge source of guilt, that I would desire there to be something “wrong” with me. Whilst these entire time, there was indeed always something that was “off” but it was not directly those things at all.
Thanks