She was already sold…
I am in some really good trouble it would seem.
2 Likes
Aha now there’s no backing out 
I remember when I mentioned about Peter and Vineeto to @Sonyaxx and she said “Could we be like that”? Now I had to put my money where my mouth is. That actualist fantasy became a challenge, to actually live it as opposed to just wishing for it and fantasising of how easy it would be ‘if only I found the right actualist partner’
4 Likes
Ah, yes! I remember you saying that.
Be careful what one wishes for!
I am going to investigate the living bejesus outta this one. Although it’s obviously motivated by not wanting to screw up yet another relationship, I’ll take that deal.
Or you may start out investigating and then love kidnaps you and takes your lunch money. Either way, it is a blast 
Haha, I have lost more than lunch money due to love. Most of my life!
Thanks for the responses. Extremely helpful.
Bed time.
1 Like
Damn, this relationship spreadsheet is hard!
So, I actually did do up a spreadsheet. Which shall forever remain “top secret”.
It’s fortuitous that whilst discussing “choice” it occurred to me that often the “objections” are masking something else entirely.
Validation of one’s sorrow and anger.
I am not at the bottom yet, but the glimmer of empathy I had for Rick, Claudiu and myself the other night was encouraging.
Whatever natural empathy I had was hijacked by religion. To the point I can see now that I haven’t had a genuine experience of empathy for anyone for a very long time. Maybe never.
Which means I also have lacked any for myself.
I seek validation.
I remember very clearly over 12 years ago, after successfully writing a couple of songs, that all I wanted to say was;
“It hurts”
Without the recognition that one is in pain, and validating that pain, how can one move as a whole ‘being’ towards something better?
Srinath wrote about this, maybe somewhere in this journal. One perhaps must have some sense of stable selfhood first, to be able to make the decisions to change.
Otherwise, who is changing what?
The shear complexity of a self, (just try and create a spreadsheet about one’s relationships!), requires some semblance of unity.
A validation.
Which I think is at the heart of many people’s objections to actualism. First, one must feel some acceptance that it’s OK to be a ‘self’. It’s perfectly normal, and not some “sin”. Whatever one is suffering, one didn’t choose it ultimately.
Unless, we are to believe that our life was “chosen” by us in some pre-life interview with the Universe, we arrive where we arrived through processes outside our control.
Once, I believed exactly that; the New Age belief in the inter-life “choice” of where I would be born. For a brief time, the world made some sort of sense.
I don’t have to do any of this. The question is what to I need?
2 Likes
It’s significant that the last 3 partners, including the current one, all have had a good connection with their own bodies.
I was jealous.
I am reminded of the story Richard writes about after discovering that his first wife had had sex with all (?) the men in the apartment block.
Instead of anger, he admired her. She had done what he had dreamt of doing.
A certain selfishness is needed to even want to enjoy life.
Richard after discovering his wife had slept around with no less than 20 men
1 Like
Richard at the dinner table with his wife later that evening
(OK I’ll stop)
Always admired his reaction to that
Which is another way of saying; really feeling what I am feeling. Given myself permission to allow this.
Ok.
Wanting to be abused.
So much of my angst towards women was tied into a reality that I wished to maintain; being abused.
It is immensely useful and timely to have read here recently that falling in love is a choice.
I am thoroughly enjoying not falling in love with this woman.
3 Likes
Lack of vision.
This is what seperates the dross of evolution from the pristine.
So very brutal.
It is fortunate that there is only ever “one thing” going on.
I have today rediscovered what use there is in aggression. To be determined. To see that the void will indeed destroy me, to no good outcome for this body.
Talking with @Kiman on the phone, I found out what it means to truly “like” someone.
To like myself, I need to both be the benefactor and beneficiary.
I like a lot of “ugly” people. Why? I see ‘them’.
I see the determination.
I see the impossible existence of this ‘person’.
Yet, of course, it is ‘me’ who must be the one I not only come to like, in some weird circular way, but it is this very same ‘one’ who is currently driving the boat.
I have said it before. I am the tip of the iceberg of self.
A weird anomaly.
I am not alone though.
Many here are that same thing.
When one of us finally cracks the code,
Look out!
1 Like
So yesterday, it was also convenient to have been reminded recently, thanks to Claudiu’s responses about “choice”, that I have previously gone from feeling bad to feeling good via the “bootstrap” method. Just do it!
I was feeling quite neurotic, an empty husk grasping at alcohol way too much recently.
So yesterday, I just pushed until I felt ok, passably good, then a respectable good.
This morning as I woke up, the determination to keep feeling good going is there.
3 Likes
Solid.
40 years just became close to no time at all. I felt the realisation that I had indeed been very similar to who I am now since very early. Somewhere in primary school.
Instead of finding a new thing to blame, it was the same feeling finding a new roost.
I distinctly feel that there was a different person who was in this body before a certain time. A solid person, directly enjoying more of himself.
Which, if all that time was a “record on repeat”, was only yesterday.
2 Likes
It all really comes down to whether we believe there is a solution within the human condition.
There are many “copes” in the HC. But a solution?
No solution, but a pathway to one.