This hit home
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Seven things have happened this month;
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I stopped trying. I have tried everything I could, and whatever benefit gained, has been gained.
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I started growing mushrooms. I have a plan. The mycelium is doing nicely so far.
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I realised that above all, I have always wanted the One. The perfect relationship. However, I now realise this was a surrogate for wanting the perfection I have experienced in a few brief moments. Listening to Sufi spiritual songs and Lewis Capaldi has brought back something I haven’t done for a long time; wanting something more than anything else. I want that perfection again.
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Feeling good because everything seems far simpler now. I know what I want. I know money, relationships, or anything like creating things ( art, music, careers) isn’t that thing. I feel that weight lifting off me.
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I can see that the game of being a ‘man’ is a trick. A losing position. A dead weight.
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It’s ok to be a “rat deserting the ship”. I will be 47 in a month. There is no particular heroics in realising that the “gig is up” for me. There was never going to be the option of the normal “copes” working for me. My fate and destiny are closely aligned. I will end; it’s just a matter of how and when.
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There are two very important facts; I have experienced the perfection of “peak experiences” and I have been told that it’s possible to have that permanently. When it occurs to me to follow suit, it will happen.
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Humble brag alert!
So I am being “used” for sex!
I’ve had a FWB for a month. A woman that was a previous lover, before my intimate acquaintance with the bitumen and broken collarbone.
Literally no ‘relationship’.
I would guess this is the average man’s literal wet dream. It is fantastic and has been progressively getting better.
I find it really strange. Something that is a cliche complaint for many women “you only want me for my body”, is such an awesome experience for me!
In a twist of fate, it turns out she is a poet. I already knew she was a physicist and teacher.
The thing that always impressed me was she was the only woman I had ever spoken with that said “I want to help the world”.
Also, in directly related news, I think I have completely misunderstood sexual desire.
Being turned on, is not the same thing as ‘wanting’ someone. I want my ‘ex’ even though it was never this good. The ‘desire’ of actualism is about validation of ‘me’. Straight up physical arousal is not that at all. I thoroughly enjoy being “turned on” for days in anticipation of her visits. Yet, it’s another thing entirely to ‘desire’ my ex. There is no sexual energy in it.
This has really freed me up. The resentment towards my ex wife of 17 years can be redirected. I can actually fantasize about her. All of them. It like a big “fuck you” to the ‘real’ world.
I will have my cake and eat it too!
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Contemplating while walking, is seems that there is another way of approaching “harmlessness”;
Feeling unharmed.
It’s a linguistic thing I suppose, but putting it that way makes it very personal.
I feel harmed.
From there setting the goal to feel unharmed, and thus no longer in the “hurt people hurt people” realm; the whole bag of various grudges and slights, defensiveness and egoism becomes about “what am I doing hurting myself? Why do that?”
I had a particularly annoying day on Friday. Dealing with clients that I contract for. Butting heads with wayward egos.
I can see that my resentment is hurting me. Making it difficult to think.
This is the ongoing thing I have had with working in customer service, always a good chance to dig into why I am getting offended, annoyed, upset etc
It’s been a big task to unravel with lots of components but lately I have started noticing that whatever feeling of being offended, annoyed, upset or in anyway ‘being wronged’ that I have - is always more to do with my beliefs and projections onto the person/event rather than what is actually happening.
Getting down to the facts makes it less and less possible to become offended in the first place.
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Yes, the main thing I have been noticing this week is I get the feeling I am going to be the scapegoat for others poor decisions.
So I tend to lash out.
When factually, I am in high demand and don’t actually have to worry about whether any particular business survives.
I am currently training my son in my skill set, which I think amplified things this week. I don’t want him to be learning the bad habits I am seeing around me.
You have inspired me to look at it all more closely.
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Some nurture sprinkled in there with the son component
The question I have been running for a few weeks is “what is pure intent?”
Without trying to think it or feel it through.
I began wondering if pure intent has a “will” aspect.
Whatever thinking has happened circles back to this wondering. What does benevolence mean in context of the universe?
The recently resurrected “pure intent” thread has many great posts.
Something happened when I was waking up today. A few moments of something.
It was weird. Like really not going anywhere mentally, that nothing at all matters, and the feeling/noticing/impression was “could it all be so clean?”
I was still mostly asleep, I think.
Hmm, it is a palpable life force but I am not sure if ascribing a ‘will’ aspect to it could confuse it because then it gets into - whose will is it? is it somehow sentient/intelligent, does it have a direction, purpose etc
Whereas Pure intent is simply something that is intrinsic to the actual universe, it is everywhere all at once therefore it has no direction or purpose as such.
I remember the PCE I had when I was young and walking back from school, that palpable aspect of pure intent was really what stood out, except at that time I didn’t know to call it pure intent.
What I found was that there was this perfection and benevolence that was somewhat out there in the physical world, almost as a physical quality in its own right which was imbued into everything.
I remember thinking that this perfection and benevolence is ‘floating in the air I breathe’ and ‘rustling with the leaves’, it seemed like it was substantial, actual.
I think aiming for that palpable, substantial, actual quality will be useful. As in it is something that is actually, genuinely ‘out there’. Although this ‘out there’ is intimately here right now when it is being experienced.
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Indeed, I am playing with the “will” aspect very loosely.
If that moment this morning was PCE like, then it was like looking into the sun. The “will” of the something left no shadow, because it was already everywhere.
Like getting hit by a bus from all directions. There is no ‘where’ left.
So as a “life force” it’s behind me already, as much as in front.
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There was nothing for me to do in the brief experience. Which was the unsettling bit. I am normally doing everything all the time.
Correction… you normally feel like you are doing everything all the time 
. But this feeling is not necessarily a fact …
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Claudiu: ‘I’ am free to be exactly how ‘I’ am, rotten through and through, with all ‘my’ ugliness and perversions - and it’s “ok” because the purity makes it safe and ensures ‘I’ won’t direct the body to harm anyone’
Ahh indeed. If I were to write it now I’d put it a little differently, more like:
‘I’ am free to see ‘myself’ and accept ‘myself’ exactly as ‘I’ really am, rotten through and through, with all ‘my’ ugliness and perversions - and it’s “ok” because the purity makes an alternative clear, that ‘I’ don’t have to be that way forever, that ‘I’ am not stuck like this, that life is not a vale of tears, and that it’s safe for ‘me’ to change and allow ‘myself’ to disappear.
Basically it’s expanding on what the “ok” means, as to why I put it in quotes in the first place 
Implicit in this ^ is the part about the safety as well, but it’s really more than what I wrote initially, it’s not just about not-harmless actions (though that’s a part of it) but also not-harmless vibes and not-harmless psychic currents …
Previous post deleted for reasons.
Reading @claudiu; his excellent exposition of investigation of facts, was rather serendipitous.
Is it a fact that ‘I’ have done anything of worth?
Isn’t that why I am so grumpy? Sad? That I feel that I did something important?.
All those years of slogging it out, I take credit for them. However, who was doing the work, and who was suffering?
The issue is not ego per se, that is all an elaborate “holodeck” which the universe and other ‘players’ agree to accommodate. Indeed, the universe goes one step further and accommodates ‘Me’, the primordial self.
The issue is whether ‘I’ as this primordial feeling of being ‘Me’ was ever truly doing anything useful.
I want to believe, because that justifies my anger and sadness, that ‘I’ was needed. It feels completely unjust that ‘I’ could have been here for no good reason. A startled misunderstanding. A frightened animal.
Thus, it make complete sense to only enjoy and appreciate. Anything else is simply arguing that ‘I’ had some purpose which has gone unjustly unrecognised, to which I need to build yet another ego display to “get what I deserve”.
Simply put; did ‘I’ really achieve all those things? Or did I tag along claiming it to be me, like as @Srinath said “an old man, who should have given over to the younger and better a long time ago” (words to the effect, not sure if it’s even a paraphrase)
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Somehow, I managed to post my entire journal in a quote.
Granted; I have talent for messing up.
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