Leila's journal

Journals
22

by writing here i got to know myself … but as i am starting to read Kuba 's writing , every sentence he writes makes me think and reflect …

he was saying :maybe I am only writing here in order to get likes and praise…my answer is yes …

i am thinking of not writing here , comparing Kuba 's writing with mine ,is like a night and day …

he was saying : There is the more genuine intent to share experiences here…" and now i am asking myself : leila do you have genuine intent by writing here ?

so many bad feelings come with this question …actually by reading everybody’s writing here and comparing : i feel like i am a kindergarten’s student …

23

Hey @leila, if you have been reading my writings then maybe these 2 posts will be useful too :slight_smile:

What I am getting at can be summarised by the last bit of the second post - “If we all start ‘dirty’ then the best way to proceed is to accept this and get stuck in”

It’s great to have you and @FrankN contributing on here so definitely keep going :raised_hands:

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24

everything that you have been writing is useful for us Kuba … appreciate it .
i m new to this site …but i am very curious that even when i dont put " @ " before any anybody’s name , that person appears from nowhere . it is like a magic or something …

25

That’s funny :laughing:

26

:smiley: sounds like a lot of us read most or all of the messages

27

i am asking myself : these are the sentences from kuba’s : is it good and correct to write here more ??? or am i just wasting everybody’s time …
i don’t know how many people are here …and i don’t know if my experiences help them or not ?
mine is more like a diary comparing to other’s writing …

i feel silly now ,actually very silly …i am telling myself how those two fire fighters could help people to get to feeling good ? leila you are a joke …a big joke …

29

Write what ultimately allows you to investigate how to feel good or at least better again. Others will get from your writings what they can/want. Don’t worry about them/us.

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30

Seeing this part of myself, the good feelings, ( that most of them are the reason for my bad feelings ) ,I become very depressed … but it was good, otherwise I could not go so deep and look at myself what I was made of .

as kuba said : i start ‘dirty’ then the best way to proceed is to accept this and get stuck in” …
i now see this dirt this me as a whole …i accept it as i am but not to the core …

Now i noticed that two things blocks me from feeling good
and most of the time i look ,there , these two :

one is the feel that i am somehow special and another one is this underlying need for " love " …
they are very connected as well…and i cant get rid of them …
they spoil every moment of my joy and my enjoyment …
i see now that i am rotten to the core, this me wants to keep these two ,and doesn’t let go .

well i now notice that every move i make is based on these two …
every intent i make is base on these two …
even when i want to scape is with these two …
they are there and i notice them every day …

31

Srinath would you please shake me again …

32

ok i felt really bad for 2 hours or so …beacuse after 3 hours of maybe wasting time , thinking about james love thing with his wife , and how i can help him to get out of this misery and move on , even though i knew something is gonna come out of my writings so many objections and so on …but still i thought this is gonna help him , the way it did help me i think …because if i stayed with love and pinning i would be depressed wasting time and waiting …

elgin came and correct me by saying this is a very bad idea …
and that was enough i felt not just bad but also felt really stupid and sad …it is very painful , like critisicm …

now i realized that these themes are my triggers …

after having to endure this bad feelings …i went and deleted all my writings ,one of them i could not delete …and then i unsubscribed to everything from this website and signed out …leila you are stupid …
i m crying like a kid now …

1 Like
33

now i am reading these sentences from srinath : You realise that you are your feelings and see if you get back to feeling good .Realise that the good and bad feelings are combined package that form a ‘world’ that you can slowly become more and more free from - and that is even before actual freedom…

34

i checked all my intention before my writings to james ,it was all genuine and good i did not expect any reply …maybe ? or maybe i had expectation that people say wow leila what a great idea …but it was opposite …why always everything is opposite …

35

it is like i am not satisfied with just feeling good ? it is like i am always trying to make a drama or write something to prove myself that i am good i am special …

38

i feel good now …just by writing here …what a storm … :grinning: it is obvious that i am crazy …

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39

This reaching for validation is something I very frequently experience as well, it usually looks like this in me:

hanging out, just living in the world, having a good time

notices something / has an idea

“Oh my gosh! I am a genius, I will share this with the others”

tells other people about my great insight

At this stage, one of two things happen:

Either they are like " wow you are so smart", 50 comments 10 reaction emojis

If I get this reaction then I feel good, smart, superior, and generate a new identity as the person that ‘gets it.’ This identity prevents me from enjoying & appreciating, & now I have something I have to protect, to fight for. Also people start to find me kind of annoying as I’m always showing off how smart I am, what good ideas I have

The other direction it can go: There is no response, or some others actively disagree with me

Me:

depressed, sad

“No one understands me!” “My ideas are terrible!” “I am alone in the world, I don’t understand things”

Really it’s only a matter of time before the second direction comes up, either I eventually get no validation or I get used to the amount of validation I’ve been getting & it doesn’t ‘get me high’ anymore

It’s just a cycle I go through

And interestingly, it’s all a drama that takes me away from that first, most interesting moment of hanging out, just living in the world, having a good time

Writing this up has been very useful as I can see that the way I try to attract girls is by being cool & smart! I can see that it’s just a part of that larger cycle now. Interesting!

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40

The question I can ask myself is, are my observations valid, or not? No amount of validation, or lack of validation, effects that. Often, people will validate things that aren’t accurate at all! That’s not very useful. Such is the trap of ‘humanity’

I had an experience about a year ago of, ‘I know what I saw’ in regards to PCEs. Even though some others don’t know what I’m talking about, give me no validation, I know what I experienced. So their non-validation became irrelevant to me.

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41

so getting validation or not getting validation , or the amount of validation , does not say that my observations or opinions were right or wrong.

wow ! Reading this helped me a lot …
so I no longer have to tell myself i am crazy or even special …

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42

I will remember and memorize this sentence too :butterfly:

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43

i am reading your report on becoming actually free Srinath …trying to translate it to farsi little by little …

i feel an excitement a joy as i read it , Something has shaken inside me … Just like you shook me a few days ago …now you are doing it again with your words , something is trurning on …
" i am gonna make it happen "
" the target is so enormous (literally the universe)!

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44

Maybe look at this in this way: I’m just a random dude on the internet commenting on something you wrote. It may be entirely false. Some other person may step in and correct me. The point is: Did you reflect on the point I was making? Did you outright dismiss it? Or do you see my point as valid?

What you did was reflecting on an entirely different point: Your gut-reaction towards something some other dude wrote. Thats a good starting point, because it blocks you from comprehending the point I was actually making.

I remember that my gut-reactions towards richard were very strong at the beginning when I came into contact with his writings. I outright hated him for the “nonsense” he proposed. He openly criticised Mr. J. Krishnamurti (my mentor) which in effect meant that he was criticising ‘me’. Boy, I hated his guts! I outright dismissed him. It was later when I saw some cracks in Krishnamurtis reasonings, that I returned to his Homepage. And this time I could see what he actually tried to convey.

You are on the right track Leila. You are confronting your gut-reactions towards criticism,
I would argue that even experianced actualists are occasionally prone to fall for it. I’ve been on this path for several years and I still stumble over this “problem”.

And one last thing: I find it unfortunate that you deleted your posts, because I found them to be very interesting and insightful. When you have read richards writings as often as I have you will understand that a “new and fresh perspective” (on old and common problems) is very stimulating. So please, go on :slight_smile:

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