Thanks henryyyy that was very helpful to me 
1 Like
i went for a walk this afternoon , i stand beside a tree and started crying .it is silly , it was silly i know but i cant help it . I dont know which one made me feel bad : our neighbors are going back to their country for the entire summer , and the other neighbor today , when saw me from far away , she grabbed her 5 year old son and went the other way , as if she was running away from me . these two episodes making me sad , angry and maybe jealous .
this morning i was feeling really great …almost 3 hours of slowly walking enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive …it was the best moment ever …but the episode two, made all the feeling good and feeling great go away …when i am in my walks i feel like i m getting close to self emulation, but when i m back to real life , i see that how far i am from actually become free…and this makes me feel really bad …
1 Like
as i was crying i was talking to the tree which i was standing beside it , and saying: Please universe help …sometimes at night i say Richard please help …
i dont know what is it with this neighbor . their house is next to our house , and sometimes i hear her yelling and cursing at her 5 year old son .i m afraid of her and at the same time angry at her … whenever i see them , i play with the little kid …maybe she doesn’t like that . i remember the little kid asking me if i can go to his birthday and his mom’s face was like " no way " .she said we are not gonna be here for your birthday … me is anger , empathy , justice …
this hate this anger this justice , these are all me , and i dont want them …so i dont want me …
Leila, love the exploration and openness here. ‘You’ don’t want ‘You’ because of all these unpleasant feelings. That is completely understandable. But all ‘you’ can ever be is ‘you’ - so you might as well accept it 
Not that you have to accept feeling bad of course. You realise that you are your feelings and see if you get back to feeling good.
Another thing you can look at is the good feelings. You’ve expressed a lot of thanks and gratitude to a lot of people here. You might want to think about the feeling of gratitude as it is the other side of the bad feelings of indebtedness, resentment, fear of others and so on.
Similarly you can think about the good feeling components to feelings of anger, injustice etc Often these are the socially acceptable feelings of love, belonging etc. Realise that the good and bad feelings are combined package that form a ‘world’ that you can slowly become more and more free from - and that is even before actual freedom,
3 Likes
Oh Srinath it means a lot to see an actually free person ,a free body , is responding to my writings …it makes me feel really great as if i am in PCEs… 
this part is the hardest part …the good feeling component of the bad feelings.
i m starting to work on this one now .
I’m so grateful
Ok but look you’re doing it again haha. Yes I know the feeling. I used to be similarly pleased when Richard responded to my posts - even if it was just to criticise me 
You might want to see how putting people like me up on a pedestal may open opportunities for disappointment, loss etc. Something similar may be happening with this angry woman neighbour of yours too.
2 Likes
Yes, but this time I was aware of it, that’s why i put a laughing sticker . . Maybe I should have put a blinking sticker, but because in our culture, it is not good for a woman to put a blinking sticker for a man , i did not put it …
2 Likes
I am reading this part of investigation that you wrote Srinath …
d) See the good feelings that are maintaining the bad feelings
Once you have some familiarity with investigations and know your broad feeling themes, your basic fantasies and beliefs – then, you can start to explore the good feelings that are often responsible for shoring up the bad feelings e.g. Feeling of loneliness may be due to your venerating of feelings of love and belonging. Feelings of being dejected and ashamed may relate to your prizing of good feelings of status, pride and social respectability.
Becoming sincerely aware of the good feelings, behind the bad feelings can be a powerful experience. Sometimes this realisation is enough to unravel years of bad feelings and painful emotions that you have been experiencing.
In the grocery store example, I may realise that I have been treasuring a certain sense of power and virility as a man. It was only because of these values that I fell on my face when the other man cut in front of me. Taking care not to moralise or lecture myself on this point, I simply acknowledge the realisation and get back to feeling good.
1 Like
Ah okay. Got it!
1 Like
I can use the same advise Srinath 
This is so useful Srinath. 
Wow Srinath, if I didn’t know better, I would think that you are actually free, Oh wait, you are actually free
1 Like
i have to be honest with myself , connecting with people here makes me have good feelings , good feeling of belonging , love , admiration , respect as Miguel was saying .
maybe that’s why when Claudiu said you have to be careful with the translation , i became offended , because what he said was the opposite of good feeling which i was expecting …
now i am sad why i got offended ,i hope i did not made Claudiu feel bad …but see i m doing it again … …i want to be loved , i want to belong , i want to be respected .i want to thank people more and more so i get good feelings from them …and when i dont get these good feelings i feel loss and disappointed .
4 Likes
i don’t feel good at all …i feel like i am braking apart …if i let go of these good feelings , there is not gonna be anything left of me …it is like all these searching , trying looking , all my life has been in vain …
i feel like a doll tied to a string that just seeks good feelings.
3 Likes
i went for my afternoon walk …i felt like crying again …but this time not because of any neighbor , it is because of me , a part of me that i have to leave behind . these good feelings that i have cherished all my life is me . this is me . without them i am nobody … i cant …
Hey @leila, maybe just back off things for a bit. You might be jumping ahead and worrying about things you imagine to be stressful such as self immolation and things like that. I have seen this personally before, where someone was freaking themselves out over the somewhat intimidating subject matter. But the actualism method, especially initially, is just a simple thing about feeling good.
Can you notice how you are kind of creating a drama out of it? Getting yourself all worked up? See if you can notice those feelings, see the harm they are doing (you feel stressed/anxious) and allow yourself to get back to feeling good.
Alternatively, if that doesn’t work, just take a break from thinking about actualism for a bit. Once you feel good again, you can look at this and work out what was triggering you.
3 Likes
i dont think i have any control over this drama that i am making Felix …it is a little bit like a shock or as if somebody poured a bocket of ice water over me … by saying to think about the feeling of gratitude, good feelings components to bad feelings…
it is like the castle that i built for myself from the beginning was made out of paper.
One thing I find very informative when things like this are happening is seeing that - although everything feels awful And unstable - life is continuing, there is consciousness , I also find that I am able to still function. For example if it happens while I’m eating I find that “the body” still knows what to do, pick up the fork, put in mouth, take a drink, even with all the drama unfolding in my heart and soul and mind. Ultimately everything is ok , and ‘I’ am not needed.
4 Likes
I woke up today with a heavy crying in my throat. I read Claudio’s writing, and went for a walk holding on to Claudio’s thought : " Although everything is horrible and unstable - life goes on "…
the sky was cloudy and gray just like me … the wet smell of rain and mist that I have always loved , this time could not make me feel better … I reached the area that connects me to nature … I asked myself: " what happened to me, why am I like this!!" it was as if someone had made a strong criticism of me , even felt worse than that …
someone had told me to open a part of myself , the part that i have always carried around with . something that I had never done before .and actually I was opening it in my head … I was seeing whatever i was taking out , every bad feelings, almost everything was tied to a good feeling … All my annoyances, my sorrows, my angers , all and all and all ,and everything my dreams my fantasies my imagination my…
As if a barrier was broken and I started to cry heavily … these were sympathy for myself