Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Today your above post from 29 June could have a different meaning than when you wrote it – it seems it is ‘you’ who won’t give up ‘his’ rotten-to-the-core existence despite recent experiential knowledge of the harm ‘he’ could cause. Not yet anyway, you say, ‘I’ am waiting for the “zombie apocalypse”.

Is this really what you want?

In my post I wrote “Not to say that I am now waiting for a zombie apocalypse” specifically to make the point that this very dramatised depiction of altruism is not necessary at all, that there is already all the reasons in the world to self-immolate, and especially having recently experienced what ‘I’ am capable of this has been particularly poignant.

So I am not sure if the rest of your post was based on the impression that ‘I’ am waiting for something as dramatic as a zombie apocalypse in order to “be a saviour”, but this is completely incorrect.

[Vineeto]

Hi Kuba,

Thank you for your correction. It’s a pleasure to read that I got it wrong about you waiting for the apocalypse.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hehe yes and to add ‘my’ days of trying to “be a saviour” are also done, this I can say with confidence. Because how could ‘I’ “be a saviour” when ‘I’ know that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core.

My post was rather like looking at this huge array of buttons that exist on ‘my’ dashboard and trying to suss out experientially how to trigger the one called “altruism”, what does it looks like, how does it operate, where could it be located, etc.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hehe yes and to add ‘my’ days of trying to “be a saviour” are also done, this I can say with confidence. Because how could ‘I’ “be a saviour” when ‘I’ know that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core.

Hi Kuba,

My apologies for my dire error of misreading your last message. It’s delightful to learn that your “days of trying to “be a saviour” are also done”, just like that.

Kuba: My post was rather like looking at this huge array of buttons that exist on ‘my’ dashboard and trying to suss out experientially how to trigger the one called “altruism”, what does it looks like, how does it operate, where could it be located, etc. (link)

I don’t know which of the buttons you are going to choose from your “dashboard” – whichever it is will need a deep and passionate caring to give up what you hold dearest, your ‘self’.

I read some writing from Richard today that might be in accord with your previously stated deep and passionate caring about to be innocence personified –

Kuba: In short what ‘I’ deeply and passionately care about is to be innocence personified. To live that which the PCE demonstrated and in doing so to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the “hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all”. This innocence is what I (and I am sure others on this forum) detect from you and if I had not experienced it first hand I would probably have believed it to be impossible. (link)

Richard: Yet innocence as a liveable actuality – an actual innocence (not the pseudo-innocence of those ‘State of Grace’ and ‘Blank Slate’ fabulations above) in other words – is entirely new to human experience/ human history.
(…)
Not surprisingly, the word innocent (as in, ‘harmless’, ‘innoxious’; ‘sinless’, ‘guiltless’; ‘artless’, ‘naive’; ‘simple’, &c.) stems from the same root as the word nocent (as in, ‘harmful’, ‘hurtful’, ‘injurious’; ‘guilty’, ‘criminal’, &c.) does … namely: the Latin nocēns, nocent-, pres. part. of nocēre, ‘to harm’, ‘hurt’, ‘injure’, with the privative ‘in-‘ affixed as a prefix (i.e., in- + nocent).
Viz.:
• innocent (in′ȱ-sënt), a. and n. [‹ ME. innocent, innosent, ‹ OF. (also F.) innocent = It. innocente, ‹ L. innocen(t-)s, harmless, blameless, upright, disinterested, ‹ in- priv. + nocen(t-)s, ppr. of nocere, harm, hurt: see nocent]. ~ (Century Dictionary and Cyclopaedia).
• nocent (nō′sënt), a. and n. [‹ L. nocen(t-)s, ppr. of nocere, harm, hurt, injure]. I. a. 1. hurtful; mischievous; injurious; doing hurt: as, ‘nocent qualities’. 2. guilty; criminal; nocently (adv.): in a nocent manner; hurtfully; injuriously [rare]. ~ (Century Dictionary and Cyclopaedia).
(Richard, List D, Martin, 6 Jul 2015).

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your message it is very much appreciated It has been quite an eventful few days for ‘me’, definitely some choppy waters to navigate through. The miscommunication came right after I was rocked by the previous events and then I was rocked some more haha.

But all is well and it is what you wrote the other day that I keep coming back to, that I need to orient myself to this new compass of pure intent. When I was in those choppy waters it was like I already threw away the old compass but I did not have confidence in the new one yet.

But things are already changing, Sonya even mentioned yesterday out of the blue that my vibes seem to have got softer, that they are like “round and without any corners” .

So I will describe this compass of pure intent as I experience it - I experience this hushed stillness that is all around, if I “go into it” or rather allow myself to stand still so that it can be experienced then there is this active beneficence which flows in all directions, it’s part and parcel of the stillness. And when this is happening or when I am in that place, then all is well.

[Kub933]

Now looking at the recent events there is something else that is becoming apparent. Because ‘I’ have seen that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core and of course ‘I’ could not be any kind of saviour.

But now is it that ‘I’ am still hoping to be saved or to be “made right”? It’s like what Srinath wrote a while back that the actualism method does not turn the T-rex that ‘I’ am into a plush toy. When ‘I’ apply the method ‘I’ am directing ‘my’ affective energy into the felicitous and innocuous feelings, and then later on when ‘I’ give way to pure intent ‘I’ am allowing that which is impeccable to live this life. But all the while ‘I’ remain rotten to ‘my’ very core!

But it’s like there is this hope somewhere there for ‘me’, that by being a ‘good actualist’ ‘I’ could be saved at ‘my’ very core, that ‘I’ would be “made right”. And this hope it will have ‘me’ remain forever, somewhat walking the wide and wondrous path but never arriving at the destination.

So I guess what I am getting at is that all that I have done with regards to walking the wide and wondrous path, this has made exactly 0% change on what ‘I’ am as a ‘self’ which is - fear, aggression, nurture and desire. What ‘I’ am at core is exactly as rotten now as it was at the beginning and it will remain exactly as rotten until the day it disappears via altruistic self-immolation.

So it seems perhaps there is benefit now in peeling back the actualist identity and seeing what is underneath there. Because there is exactly the same ‘self’ there as the one raging through the world with sorrow and malice. In fact I wonder if this is precisely what shook me like so, I guess Geoffrey made this point perfectly when he wrote the below :

“Pleasant and wholesome” could become a refuge, a hiding place, for an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.

This is what Claudiu mentioned after his visit with Geoffrey, that the bar to basic actual freedom is actually quite low, and yet somehow ‘I’ by being a ‘good actualist’ thought that it was the raising of the bar that would provide the answer. But this is exactly it - a refuge for ‘me’, so that ‘I’ can avoid this fact for a little longer - that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core.

Hehe so back to the zombie apocalypse - I wrote then that it was the seeing what is at stake which lead to an impulse for action. But how can ‘I’ see what is at stake if ‘I’ am hiding in ‘my’ refuge of “pleasant and wholesome”. Actually if anything the connection to pure intent is what allows ‘my’ rotten to the core centre to be brought sharply into the picture, because there is now something outside of ‘me’ which ensures safety in ‘my’ day to day interactions.

I remember there was the lady of Indian descent who became actually free 24 hours after visiting Richard and Vineeto. In the past there was disbelief at this as ‘I’ had felt somewhat cheated. I am not actually sure if she did much in the way of applying the actualism method before hand. But the point is that ultimately it doesn’t matter, the method is an “in the meantime” method. That “last bit” or for some maybe the “first bit” haha - it is all the same.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your message it is very much appreciated It has been quite an eventful few days for ‘me’, definitely some choppy waters to navigate through. The miscommunication came right after I was rocked by the previous events and then I was rocked some more haha.

Hi Kuba,

As I already said in my last message, I am eminently pleased that your “days of trying to “be a saviour”” are well and truly gone, it must have been a skilfully hiding, and a nevertheless influential ‘persona’ interfering with pure intent on and off for quite some time.

Kuba: But all is well and it is what you wrote the other day that I keep coming back to, that I need to orient myself to this new compass of pure intent. When I was in those choppy waters it was like I already threw away the old compass but I did not have confidence in the new one yet.

Yes, it requires, like all changes to one’s instinctual/ social programming, consistent attentiveness until it becomes second nature.

Kuba: But things are already changing, Sonya even mentioned yesterday out of the blue that my vibes seem to have got softer, that they are like “round and without any corners”.

This is amazing that Sonya is so perceptive of the quality of your vibes and can give you feedback regarding your emanating feelings/ vibes as a confirmation of change.

Kuba: So I will describe this compass of pure intent as I experience it – I experience this hushed stillness that is all around, if I “go into it” or rather allow myself to stand still so that it can be experienced then there is this active beneficence which flows in all directions, it’s part and parcel of the stillness. And when this is happening or when I am in that place, then all is well. (link)

Yes – a wonderful, out-of-this-(real)-world description. With this “hushed stillness” of pure intent coming more and more to the fore and Sonja’s keen interest in how you are experiencing yourself, this is an advantageous opportunity to explore the near-innocence of naïve intimacy fostered by the pure intent of naiveté –

Richard: The term ‘intimacy experience’ became part of the actualism lingo after a particularly instructive event in late spring, 2007, when at anchor upriver whilst exhorting feeling-being ‘Grace’ to no longer reserve that specific ‘way-of-being’ for those memorable occasions when ‘she’ was alone with me and to extend such intimacy to also include ‘her’ potential shipmates in order to dynamically enable the then-tentative plans for a floating convivium – which were on an indefinite hold at that time – to move ahead expeditiously (this was in the heady context of feeling-being ‘Pamela’ having already entered into an on-going PCE a scant five days beforehand due to ‘her’ specifically expressed concerns to me over the lack of intimacy between actualists).
At some stage during this intensive interaction feeling-being ‘Vineeto’, who had been intently following every nuance, every twist and turn of the interplay, had what ‘she’ described as a “shift” taking place in ‘her’ whereupon the very intimacy being thus exigently importuned came about for ‘her’ instead.
To say ‘she’ was astounded with the degree of intimacy having ensued is to put it mildly as ‘her’ first descriptive words were about how ‘she’ would never have considered it possible to be as intimate as this particular way of being – an intimacy of such near-innocence as to have previously only ever been possible privately with ‘her’ sexual partner in very special moments – when in a social setting as one of a number of persons partaking of coffee and snacks in a sitting room situation.
Intuitively seizing the vital opportunity such intimate experiencing offered ‘she’ took over from me and commenced interacting intensively in my stead – notably now a one-on-one feeling-being interchange – and within a relatively short while feeling-being ‘Grace’ was experiencing life in the same, or very similar, manner as feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ (hence that 4th of December 2009 report of mine about how these intimacy experiences are potentially contagious, so to speak, for other sincere actualists as the atmosphere generated affectively-psychically can propagate a flow-on effect). (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 Jan 2016).

Cheers Vineeto

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Now looking at the recent events there is something else that is becoming apparent. Because ‘I’ have seen that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core and of course ‘I’ could not be any kind of saviour.
But now is it that ‘I’ am still hoping to be saved or to be “made right”? It’s like what Srinath wrote a while back that the actualism method does not turn the T-rex that ‘I’ am into a plush toy. When ‘I’ apply the method ‘I’ am directing ‘my’ affective energy into the felicitous and innocuous feelings, and then later on when ‘I’ give way to pure intent ‘I’ am allowing that which is impeccable to live this life. But all the while ‘I’ remain rotten to ‘my’ very core!

Hi Kuba,

There is only one way “to be “made right”” – that you understand deeply and comprehensively ‘your’ very nature and out of that understanding agree to ‘your’ demise. Not ‘reborn’ as ‘someone’ else, as another form of ‘you’ but in ‘your’ entirety.

Richard: My personal experience says pretty well what I have been saying in all my posts since I came onto this List. Namely that to stop at dissolving the ego and becoming enlightened is to stop half-way. One needs to end the soul as well, then any identity whatsoever becomes extirpated, extinguished, eliminated, annihilated … in other words: extinct. To be as dead as the dodo but with no skeletal remains. To vanish without a trace … there will be no phoenix to rise from the ashes. Finished. Kaput.
Then there is peace-on-earth. (Richard, List B, No. 31, 7 Mar 1998).

Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ understood this early on (and nevertheless took another 11 years to become free) –

Richard: There is no cure to be found in the ‘real world’ … only never-ending ‘band-aid’ solutions.
‘Vineeto’: The devastation is enormous and the only way ‘out’ is ‘self’-sacrifice.
Richard: Yet it is the instinct for survival that got you and me and every other body here in the first place. We peoples living today are the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes … we are the product of the ‘success story’ of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Is one really going to abandon that which produced one … that which (apparently) keeps one alive?
Do you recall those conversations we had about loyalty (familial and group loyalty) back when you and I first met … and what was required to crack that code?
That was chicken-feed compared with this one. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 30 Sep 1999).

You have now reached the stage where it’s no longer “chickenfeed” to be a genuine actualist. Do you have the mettle?

Kuba: But it’s like there is this hope somewhere there for ‘me’, that by being a ‘good actualist’ ‘I’ could be saved at ‘my’ very core, that ‘I’ would be “made right”. And this hope it will have ‘me’ remain forever, somewhat walking the wide and wondrous path but never arriving at the destination.

Ha, remember Peter’s facetious quote? –

Peter: I remember when I first met Richard I joked to him that he should have a sign above the door that says – ‘Abandon hope – all who enter here’. (Actualism, Peter, No. 15, 28.6.1999)

Richard: I experience no fear whatsoever … which does away with the need for trust, faith, hope and belief. This is my on-going experience twenty four hours a day, year after year. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Hope)

There is more where that came from, it might give you some clues.

Kuba: So I guess what I am getting at is that all that I have done with regards to walking the wide and wondrous path, this has made exactly 0% change on what ‘I’ am as a ‘self’ which is – fear, aggression, nurture and desire. What ‘I’ am at core is exactly as rotten now as it was at the beginning and it will remain exactly as rotten until the day it disappears via altruistic self-immolation.

Ha, this is not you speaking, guided by the “compass of pure intent as I experience it” – “this hushed stillness that is all around, if I “go into it” or rather allow myself to stand still so that it can be experienced then there is this active beneficence which flows in all directions, it’s part and parcel of the stillness. And when this is happening or when I am in that place, then all is well.” (link)

This is your ‘self’ deprived of the now-discredited saviour persona looking for another “doomsday straw’ (link) while disparaging and belittling what you have done in the last years because ‘you’ have not yet agreed to ‘your’ demise.

I recommend, with the guidance of the “compass of pure intent” to listen, as a friend, to ‘you’, and negotiate ‘your’ way to understand that this is the only, and in fact the perfect, solution for everyone concerned. ‘You’ will get the oblivion you secretly long for and the flesh-and-blood Kuba will be set free from the burden of your instinctual/ social programming – for peace on earth. Only then your permission to ‘your’ extinction will be voluntary and magnanimously granted.

With pure intent operating you are not on your own, the universe is with you all the way.

I’ll copy in what I already presented to you because it answers all the questions, hopes and doubts you presently expressed –

Richard: It is very important to have confidence in your own ability to discriminate between current human knowledge and what you personally know from your own peak experiences. This will give you that optimism that is the ability to plough on regardless of whatever stands in your way until you evoke your destiny. It is not a matter of having faith or believing that it is possible; it is not a matter of trusting or hoping that it will happen to you; it is all to do with the solid knowing, born out of the peak experience, that it is here for you and anyone … if only you will act upon your knowing. This ‘action’ amounts to – at times – ‘talking yourself into it’, for the other alternative is to let doubt and disbelief and distrust and despair eat away at your resolve. Only you can manifest your own freedom.
However, once embarked upon the ‘wide and wondrous path’, you are not on your own: the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe is with you all the way … but if you waver, you are indeed on your own. It is a matter of having the courage of your convictions and letting nothing stand in your way; determination and perseverance are the essential prerequisites to ensure success … coupled with application and diligence. Having the ‘courage of your convictions’ has nothing to do with believing, trusting, hoping or having faith that it be possible. I, for one, never believed, trusted, hoped or had faith that it was possible, for such an action of believing, trusting, hoping and having faith perpetuates the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. On the contrary, I could no longer believe that it was not possible – which is a different action entirely to believing, trusting, hoping and having faith that it is possible – thus dispensing with the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. Do you see this?
For example: Doubt is believing it not to be possible … doubt is actually an action of believing, which supports the believer. Faith is believing that it is possible … which also supports the believer … and thus, either way, the believer pushes freedom away into an ever elusive future.
All this stemmed from my peak experience in which I experienced the purity and the perfection of life itself – here and now – and thus saw that what others had perceived as being our reward after physical death already existed … at this moment in time and this place in space. Thus I ceased believing that life on earth was a grim business with only scant moments of reprieve … yet I did not start believing in perfection. To repeat: I stopped believing, period. All sorrow and malice stems from the activity of believing … which arises from the believer. ‘I’, as a psychological entity, can only believe – or disbelieve – in possibilities and impossibilities. In the peak experience ‘I’ temporarily abdicated the throne and I knew, by direct experience, that freedom was already actual. It was ‘I’ that was the problem, not the absence of perfection. When ‘I’ ceased to be, perfection became, as always, apparent. By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
Perfection is already always here. Yet ‘I’, by believing in a remembered perfection, chase an ever-elusive chimera into an ever-receding future. Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around … and perfection, which is only of the moment, becomes apparent. ‘I’ have ceased to be. By ‘doing nothing’ I mean neither believing nor disbelieving; neither having faith nor having doubt; neither trusting nor distrusting; neither hoping nor despairing. In short, one’s superb confidence and overweening optimism precipitates ‘my’ demise … ‘I’ do not make freedom happen … ‘I’ allow the universe to ‘disappear’ the ‘me’ that I was … and perfection has become apparent. ‘I’ did not invoke perfection, for it already is here … and it is here now, not off into the future. It may have taken some time to eventuate, as ‘I’ got whittled away, yet when that time came, it was already here … because it is always now.
To sum up: ‘I’ do not make perfection happen because it is already always here. What ‘I’ do is to ‘stand still’ and unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur. To do this, ‘I’ cease believing, hoping, trusting and having faith … without falling into disbelief, despair, distrust or doubt. ‘I’, having the courage of ‘my’ convictions – which is the confidence born out of the solid knowing as evidenced in the peak experience – thus developing a superb confidence and an overweening optimism. Thus nothing can stand in ‘my’ way in this, the adventure of a life-time. It is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee … but pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude. (Richard, Private email, March 1999)

Kuba: I remember there was the lady of Indian descent who became actually free 24 hours after visiting Richard and Vineeto. In the past there was disbelief at this as ‘I’ had felt somewhat cheated. I am not actually sure if she did much in the way of applying the actualism method before hand. But the point is that ultimately it doesn’t matter, the method is an “in the meantime” method. That “last bit” or for some maybe the “first bit” haha – it is all the same. (link)

Richard was always clear that the actualism method is what you do in the meantime. Also –

Vineeto: One of the major topics of this three-week event of answers to questions from forum members in 2017 was that there are no conditions to become actually free.
“Richard said there is no connection at all between feeling good each moment again and actual freedom. You can become actually free right now. But … In the meantime, while you’re living your life not actually free, why not feel good? As he says, this is your only moment of being alive, why waste it feeling bad?” (link, 29 Aug 2024)

I found the whole message worth a re-read.

As for the “somewhat cheated” feeling, it is entirely self-induced. In fact, when “applying the actualism method” with the aim of becoming actually free you have deceived yourself, as you now discover, that you have not yet agreed to the last step. It is all par for the course when one sets out to untangle and extract oneself from the maze of the human condition.

Cheers Vineeto

[geoffrey]

It was helpful to ‘me’ to have such an concrete “incident” available in memory to remind myself of ‘my’ nature, when complacency showed its head and the necessity of self-immolation became obscured.
‘You’ have done that, and ‘you’ will do it again, for that is who ‘you’ are.
It was an incident I couldn’t ignore, where ‘I’ had shown ‘my’ true nature and caused harm. An always available reminder that it would not do for ‘me’ to stay around any longer. That necessity was made even clearer by the fact that, as in your example, ‘I’ had done, by applicable standards, ‘nothing wrong’. Yet the consequences or ‘my’ aggression were there, plain to see and far reaching, compounded upon in my case by everybody (but the offended party) thinking ‘I’ was “in the right” and ‘defending’ me to the point of making an even bigger thing out of the incident. It was like all conspired to make ‘my’ ‘aggression’ that particular day, the seed of hurts felt to this day. Ha! it was yet just another day, in the long history of ‘humanity’.

@Kub933

Actually I remember in one of the private emails Vineeto shared recently there was mention of @geoffrey on his way to martial arts practice. I don’t know if you read this forum much Geoffrey but at the off chance I would be fascinated to understand how you find this martial arts practice as a fully free human being? Although depending on the kind of martial art there may or may not be live sparring involved.

I wrote “martial arts” because it was a private email to Vineeto, who has no knowledge nor particular interest in the different styles, practices, etc.
To you or others more informed, I would have written ‘Aikido’ - which I have practiced (on and off) for most of my adult life. I remember talking about it with you in a video chat, and mentioning it several times in writing over the years.
Maybe the general term “martial arts” used here (as a translation of Budo) made you think I had taken on some other practice that you could relate to more, or that would have allowed you to derive some learning from the fact of an actually free person practicing it and ‘it’ containing or implying some form of aggression. But it is not the case. There is no aggression in Aikido, at least not in the form I practice - which has as an explicit goal not to hurt the attacker but only to have him realise the silliness of his malevolent intent, in order for harmony to be ultimately restored.

[Kub933]

Thank you for your replies Vineeto and Geoffrey.

Yesterday I had a very weird experience or more a shift. I actually have no idea what to make of it in terms of any “actualist maps”, certainly not actual freedom however for a good part of last evening it seemed like it could have been.

I was contemplating on all that has been going on recently, seeing on one hand ‘my’ rottenness and on the other hand allowing pure intent, knowing that to proceed I will have to do something rather big, which is to proceed towards ‘my’ genuine extinction.

I was sitting on my bed and reading through the recent posts and all of a sudden I became aware of quite a sweet smell, now this wasn’t the sweetness of pure intent, more an actual sweet hint in the air, but nevertheless is was actual. All of a sudden something shifted, it’s like I found myself here where this moment is happening, then looking at that post written by ‘me’ it was like it was written by someone else, someone that was never genuine.

And then it was (and has been since) like I could not get away from being here where this moment is happening, that there was nowhere else to go to. This experience lasted the whole evening and it’s like by all means it seemed like ‘I’ disappeared. Although I did become aware of affect still happening, and other clues which show that it is not actual freedom. But this sense of having “come out here where this moment is happening” is still present today and in fact I don’t know if I could go back to where I was before that shift.

I have considered whether it could be an actuality mimicking ASC but the weird thing is that there was no sense of any pushing or any twisting of ‘myself’ prior to it, it happened by itself with none of that kind of activity prior.

Right now I experience myself to be here where this moment is happening but there is certainly affect still happening, but it’s like there is only pure affect and then there is actuality all around.

It’s very weird though, something has definitely shifted in a solid way, I don’t experience myself like I did just before that shift happened yesterday and I don’t really see how I could.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Thank you for your replies Vineeto and Geoffrey.
Yesterday I had a very weird experience or more a shift. I actually have no idea what to make of it in terms of any “actualist maps”, certainly not actual freedom however for a good part of last evening it seemed like it could have been.
I was contemplating on all that has been going on recently, seeing on one hand ‘my’ rottenness and on the other hand allowing pure intent, knowing that to proceed I will have to do something rather big, which is to proceed towards ‘my’ genuine extinction.
I was sitting on my bed and reading through the recent posts and all of a sudden I became aware of quite a sweet smell, now this wasn’t the sweetness of pure intent, more an actual sweet hint in the air, but nevertheless is was actual. All of a sudden something shifted, it’s like I “came out” here where this moment is happening, then looking at that post written by ‘me’ it was like it was written by someone else, someone that was never genuine.
And then it was (and has been since) like I could not get away from being here where this moment is happening, that there was nowhere else to go to. This experience lasted the whole evening and it’s like by all means it seemed like ‘I’ disappeared. Although I did become aware of affect still happening, and other clues which show that it is not actual freedom. But this sense of having “come out here where this moment is happening” is still present today and in fact I don’t know if I could go back to where I was before that shift.
I have considered whether it could be an actuality mimicking ASC but the weird thing is that there was no sense of any pushing or any twisting of ‘myself’ prior to it, it happened by itself with none of that kind of activity prior.
Right now I experience myself to be here where this moment is happening but there is certainly affect still happening, but it’s like there is only pure affect and then there is actuality all around. (link)

Hi Kuba,

I can’t tell you where you are “in terms of any “actualist maps”” – you are “here where this moment is happening but there is certainly affect still happening”.

The only thing I can suggest is to stand still, move neither forward nor backward nor sideways, nor up nor down (metaphorically speaking) – let the “shift”/ process finish itself. Or to say it in Kuba’s words from one-and-a-half days ago –

I experience this hushed stillness that is all around, if I “go into it” or rather allow myself to stand still so that it can be experienced then there is this active beneficence which flows in all directions, it’s part and parcel of the stillness. And when this is happening or when I am in that place, then all is well. (link)

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

So so far no updates with regards to ‘my’ self-immolation but there has been some notable things going on recently. Actually it seems the past few weeks I have taken a bit of a step back from the rather intense involvement and allowed the dust to settle.

Recently I have changed the way I teach and train BJJ in line with something called the ecological approach. Which without going into too much detail is essentially a way of developing skill which uses the constraints of the environment in order to foster active problem solving rather than relying on choreographed/artificial repetition. So for example instead of showing a pre-digested set of moves which the students are meant to drill and memorise I instead create games which allow the students to problem solve in real-time and develop skill that way. It’s been very successful both in terms of skill development as well as just making it engaging and fun.

But the reason I write this is because of how this links in with the successful application of the actualism method. I have been sort out circling this for years now and I always saw some issue with the way I and others on the forum were approaching things. I called it the problem of the master-disciple structure, using recipes, making the map sacred etc. It was all pointing in the same direction though, which is that knowledge/skill/wisdom is not passed down through recipes or maps, rather it is developed/discovered through a hands on involvement. Essentially it is to say that one cannot skip the actual process of searching and discovery, not in actualism and not in BJJ. If one does then one is merely moving their finger on an imaginary map, a map constructed from the description of other’s discoveries. If this map is focused on at the expense of hands on experience one actually ends up at a disadvantage rather than advantage, as attention is focussed on the wrong target.

This is something that Vineeto has mentioned on this forum recently, that even though there is more and more information on the actualism method and the actualism process, this can become another game that ‘I’ can play in order to divert from actual discovery. So the other reason for taking a step back recently was for me to see where I am at without any of this information, without the map, without the recipe etc, where is it that I am at experientially when I simply let the dust settle.

What I see now is just how much of that kind of activity I always did, of the searching for recipes, of trying to develop systems, of focusing on the map etc. I remember in a zoom chat someone asked Geoffrey if he had some notes he could share from the ‘he’ that was. And he replied to the effect that this would not be beneficial as ‘he’ was the master bullshitter, and of course it makes sense that other 'I’s are fundamentally the same. Those notes were ‘his’ theories that emerged only when ‘he’ was already lost and off the wide and wondrous path.

This morning for example I noticed that there was this bad feeling that I would often experience before work, and this time I didn’t do any of that kind of activity that I would previously engage in - essentially some kind of sophisticated activity. Rather I saw in the simplest of terms that I am afraid of going to work because something might happen where I am told off. It’s really no more complicated than that, and with this seeing I was back to feeling good and now with a pinpointed cue to watch out for similar events. It was not sophistication which succeeded here, it was naivete, a sincere simplicity.

So to summarise all this I have been observing that the method is indeed simple, in fact too simple for the mind looking for special techniques, crystallised systems, sacred maps etc. Furthermore this reliance on recipes is a damaging influence on one’s ability to actually discover for oneself. And lastly is the fact that unless I actually live something then I don’t know it, and in order to live it I have to discover it - memorising a system and then performing gymnastics in order to emulate it is not it.

[Andrew]

You are truly remarkable Kuba. Which, may be of some obstruction to you, as it comes from a fellow human being, trapped in whatever it is we wish not to be trapped in.

What if it is that I am just a voice from the ether?

There is only what one can discover with intelligent separation from the judgement and evaluation of other feeling beings. This is something BJJ provides.

No one can fake skill on the mat.

Just as I learned 22 years ago on an Aikido mat. You cannot talk your way out of a wrist throw.

Edit: my instructors were Aikido /BJJ. And yes, I have been dropped at full speed. Both wrists.

[Andrew]

[Andrew]

We used to do “free sparing “ at the end of each session. It mostly
proved how useless learnt repetition was.

My instructors were “lads”, 3rd Dan lads. Hehe. I remember one of them coming to training with a black eye. Turns out that there is no learnt technique for surprise “king hits” from behind at a club.

What I learned in general was that is was almost always better to walk away. There was no magical technique to defeat bigger and/or more aggressive opponents. I used to spar with a guy who had wrists bigger than my ankles. He was over 120kgs. He would have to pretend that any of the techniques worked on him. Hehe. Isn’t is just all imaginary that there is some physical magic that can protect us from the immanent danger of simply a bigger, more powerful opponent?

[Andrew]

Are you looking for something more powerful perhaps? Something to defeat the human condition?

Perhaps a technique?

I think you already have such a technique. Your body’s native intelligence is blistering in its ability. It’s not often that I get to read a fellow human being’s writing and can honestly say I am blown away by it.

There really is something happening.

[Kub933]

Hi Andrew,

Thank you for the kind words, and the encouragement I do agree with your general assessment of fact vs fiction in martial arts. In BJJ it is almost like this “dirty secret” that many don’t want to admit - that physicality plays a huge part. Perhaps it’s the hope that one can be a superhero after all haha. It’s funny because now having done this martial arts thing for over 10 years I notice that primarily it is my intelligence that keeps me safe in various situations.

@Andrew

Are you looking for something more powerful perhaps? Something to defeat the human condition?

Perhaps a technique?

I think you already have such a technique. Your body’s native intelligence is blistering in its ability. It’s not often that I get to read a fellow human being’s writing and can honestly say I am blown away by it.

There really is something happening.

I like that you brought in that word - native intelligence - it also came up for me after I wrote that post. It’s interesting that what we take as ‘human wisdom’ is actually an obstruction to the free operation of one’s native intelligence. I notice this with the ecological approach to BJJ, in that students generally relish in being able to naively problem solve as opposed to passively accepting various ‘truths’. There is something intrinsically gratifying and precious in undertaking a genuine process of searching and discovery. And actually the more I look at this the more I realise that life itself is like that, because each moment is fresh, it is happening for the very first time - so each moment is like another invitation to discover.

[Andrew]

Well met, Kuba.

There is something less required in each moment too. Less than discovering. Which is to say the fun in martial arts is that we all could roll around, grapple, interact with some ostensible purpose, yet that purpose was an excuse to , roll around, grapple, and interact.

A circle. A purpose disguised. Because just saying “hey everybody! Let’s all just put some mats on the floor, roll around, wrestle, and interact!” Would expose our agenda.

[Kub933]

Yes it’s funny that in the real world enjoyment and appreciation requires a motif, as if it is taboo to simply delight in what one is and what the universe is, no other reason/justification required. You wouldn’t believe what it took for me (the ex high achiever) to be able to type out this sentence!

[Andrew]

Kudos to you Kuba.

There is something in martial arts, in the retail space, which allows for the contact, the throws and physical expression, whilst bypassing the sexual and survival.

That’s what I remember most. Being so close to others. Even the sensai’s daughter, who was an attractive female. It didn’t really matter. It was like an excuse where anyone, if only pretending, could throw others around without harming them. My 120 kg stone mason friend enjoyed being thrown around by a 50kg teenage girl. And vice versa. The shear fun of it all.

Yet, we pretended also that this was of some combat use.

There was only ever one, maybe three lessons, in terms of combat.

1. Don’t get in fights. 2. If in a fight, get out of it. 3. If 1 and 2 don’t work, you may need to kill somebody by any means. 4. Really try to make 1 & 2 work. 3 is really hit and miss.