Kub933's Journal

[Andrew]

I also want to say that I have relied on the emotional skill of “beings” better than me the entire time I have been interacting with Actualism.

You are one of them. Claudiu, and even non-actualist such as Nick. Who might be one now. Sorta, not really a distinction considering everything that is going on in the world.

The next actuality free person could be a girl from Bangladesh who , like our old mate Richard, discovered it out of what may be described as extreme naive stubborn hope. That life isn’t designed to be a veil of tears.

Some have, in turn, relied on me. Seen me as someone who has that spark of something they can hope in. Just as a person signing up to a martial arts class.

It’s really rather intimate. The hope people invest in others. I truly value them. Those who hope in me. My own sons. They have something of a weird deal actually. I never presented a mystery for them. I told everything. Haha. What an absolute mountain I gave them!

No mystery.

I feel a certain type of guilt. As if I broke the fourth wall of parenting. Hehe.

[Andrew]

I will be better for your sake, and the sake of my sons. It’s a ballsy claim, or maybe a uterusy claim. Or maybe just a claim that needs some intelligent thinking through, as balls and uterus’s have been doing way more ‘thinking’ than sensible reflection would deem sensible.

I wish there was something better I could say. It’s always been hit and miss. As if options 1. and 2. (Of what I learned in aikido) should have been considered better.

[Andrew]

Andrew

This one is such a wonderful thing to contemplate, I will say that you are making a mistake here though. The vast and utter stillness of infinitude is not static/inert! The problem is that ‘I’ as ‘self’ project a boundary onto the universe, ‘I’ take it as if it’s a closed system (like a very big container), so then yes if this system is said to be fundamentally still then it therefore must be static/inert at core. Hence the need for a big bang to “get it all going” and of course a very sad “re…

[Andrew]

I went back to see if you had indeed understood what it meant to be physical without being dominant.

You do know.

Others “piled on”. It was admittedly an easy target. A boy who cried wolf, will always be sacrificed. Everyone wants the dude who is bored to be wrong. Everyone wants the guy who questions the status quo via complaints to be eaten alive.

Funny. It’s only a kid, a 19 year old from a few hundred kms from where I am now, who through some glitch in the condition we call “human” was placed perfectly to experience the colour, smell, and space of the actual, not because he was clever, or insightful, or great in any normal way; he was great, but in the most pure way.

Just didn’t make an excuse for himself to not enjoy being alive. Maybe. If I knew for sure what that glitch was, I would have patented it by now. Hehe

[Kub933]

Hi Andrew,

@Andrew

There is something in martial arts, in the retail space, which allows for the contact, the throws and physical expression, whilst bypassing the sexual and survival.

Yes indeed this is what I find in general, and then it is ‘my’ survival passions which can make it dirty, spoiling the fun and safety of it all. The energy of ‘my’ survival passions makes it a serious and severe business whereas what it can be is brilliant fun, like solving puzzles but with our bodies.

I read your follow up posts and it seems like hope and trust is a big theme there, as well as the responsibility/obligation that you have taken on as a parent. I remember when my mum came back from living in New Zealand I sat down with her and told her that I have absolutely no interest in being her son and in her being my mother - weird hey?
It’s because I saw what that mother-son relationship was doing to her, it was a prison cell for her. She merely experienced herself as if on some never-ending task of looking after me. And also I did not want any of that kind of relating either, I am living my own life at this point and it was just a tedious thing to even entertain that kind of thing.
A few years later and she often messages me still and says how happy she is that we both proceeded in this direction. The direction being where we are fellow human beings only, no responsiblity/obigation, no hope/trust etc.

[Andrew]

Why Every Gym Is Banning Sparring Now

Just found this tonight. Really enjoyed the message.

[Andrew]

I am envious to hear of this development with your mother. Not is any negative way, of course. But that is beautiful that she could embrace what you offered her.

I am currently living with my mother. I have been since last October.

I wish I could communicate effectively the effect of this on me, and her, but we are light years away from such a beautiful interaction. Still, there has been some progress. I don’t think that progress is the correct word, maybe more emotionally connected is better.

Cheers. It seems that your mother has some ability to intelligently interpret your intentions and has benefited from that. So wonderful to contemplate that. Correct me if I am wrong, but I read that as she appreciates the freedom you insisted on by releasing her from the motherly instinct and it’s obligations.

My mother has no such capacity. Hers is a strange mix of obligation and passive aggression. It’s truly Christianity writ small. Haha

Carry on my friend. Thanks for the chat.

[Kub933]

@Andrew

Cheers. It seems that your mother has some ability to intelligently interpret your intentions and has benefited from that. So wonderful to contemplate that. Correct me if I am wrong, but I read that as she appreciates the freedom you insisted on by releasing her from the motherly instinct and it’s obligations.

Yes that is correct, and in fact that initial success whet her appetite for further exploration. We’ve had many talks since about all sorts. And I care about her as a fellow human being, I want her to be free.

@Andrew

My mother has no such capacity. Hers is a strange mix of obligation and passive aggression. It’s truly Christianity writ small. Haha

Actually the reason I mentioned this to begin with was more about you specifically. That perhaps you might consider unilaterally relinquishing the obligation/responsibility which you carry, a gift to yourself (although all will benefit).

[Kub933]

Yes that is a great video, I do see this in my experience (especially recently) that a naive playfulness is the best MO for martial arts training. It’s fun, safe and learning works better. It is also a nice cue for me to look out for, when the training/sparring is no longer fun then I have wandered off the path. And like I wrote the other day, life itself is no different.

[Andrew]

@Kub933

Actually the reason I mentioned this to begin with was more about you specifically. That perhaps you might consider unilaterally relinquishing the obligation/responsibility which you carry, a gift to yourself (although all will benefit).

I appreciate that immensely. I wouldn’t know how to start, though I am enjoying that my own passive aggression has markedly reduced.

I should put this in my own journal, for neatness sake, but conversation is better left “in the wild”.

My experience has been progressively better as I have opened myself up to her devotional care. She is a devout Christian, and as I have documented at length (but sporadically), I have an issue or two with growing up in extreme Christian circles. Hehe

I have had many moments of emotional intimacy with her, especially recently. She is currently resolving my late brother’s estate (the second born from me, who suicided in 2003). She attended the coroner’s court, in which the government is finally prepared to pronounce him dead.

I soften at some point, when I considered just what she had experienced in life. I hugged her balling my eyes out. Saying that I can’t imagine losing my sons. She has lost two sons.

I have buried a daughter. However, she was still born at 6 months. I never watched her grow and walk. Let alone live for 27 years, or 35 years.

There have been many tears. And far more softness on my part, especially in the last months.

[Kub933]

Hi Andrew,

At some point - if you are to proceed down the wide and wondrous path - the beauty of pathos will have to be put under the microscope, eventually the sorrowfull/beautiful story of ‘Andrew’ will disappear too. It might be a good sign that you are able to become softer but to wholeheartedly go for emotional intimacy is to head right for the tried and failed once more.

The question is are you looking to discover the third alternative or are you content with retaining ‘your’ precious feelings. Or I could say are you looking to live in actual perfection and purity or are you looking to swim around in bitter-sweet feelings.

It’s a question I have been asking myself, after all there is no way to retain any aspect of ‘being’ if ‘I’ am to slip away from that cruise ship :

@Andrew

I always liked Geoffrey saying it’s all like a rat climbing down the ropes from a cruise ship. No one cares. The party goes on.

Only perfection and purity exists in terra actualis.

[JohnE]

I started reading your journal from the begining since I’ve found that looking at other people’s practice and how it progresses helps me in understanding the technique. I hope it’s ok if I quote some really really old writings and ask questions about it.

@Kub933

The method is enjoying and appreciating, the tools are there so I can see that it is silly for X to take away my enjoyment and appreciation and thus get back on track. That is the meat and potatoes of it all, the funny thing is looking back and seeing that I always resisted this simplicity. I wanted it to be some difficult, obscure challenge, maybe as a way to prolong myself, to remain unchanged.

Is there a list of the tools that one can use? As i’ve mentioned before, one of my issues with Actualism is that there is this absolutely ginormous wall of text and for someone like me who is not great at reading text on a screen it makes it difficult to fully get into the practice even though I feel to the root of my being that this makes sense and if I could flip a switch and get rid of this I which keeps interjecting itself in this life experience I would. But the problem is I don’t know where the switch is, and if I would find it I don’t think I would know how to flip it even though flipping a switch is the easiest thing in the world.

Btw side question, is there a way to bookmark a spot on someones journal so you can go right back? For now I’m writing down the date that I stop reading and will go back that way.

@Kub933

Unfortunately at the time like many others I was involved with Spirituality and self help and the PCE soon devolved into an altered state of consciousness where ‘I’ came in and flooded the experience with love and compassion.

I’ve seen people write this kind of off hand here, but I don’t fully understand what it means. What would be the definition that separates the two and how can you tell while you’re experience it that you are going from one to the other?

@Kub933

I got myself signed up to the Zulip chat (the forum that was used by actualists at the time) and began posting and talking with fellow actualists.

are there more forums out there than the one we’re in now or is zulip just what existed before this?

@Kub933

Firstly I now have a relationship with my partner that is so beyond what I thought was possible. Not perfect peace and harmony 24/7 just yet but certainly inching close to a virtual peace and harmony. There is so little in the way, so little to argue about, to get moody about. There is mostly just the fun and delight of spending time with my partner.

I’m still in the begining of your writings, but would you mind sharing shortly what it is that you changed to get your relationship to be like this. I’m still reading Richards journal and it seems like a beautiful way to live life.

I can feel myself feeling better after reading this.

I hope I didn’t go against some kind of forum etiquette by asking questions about year old posts, but for me this is all new and great stuff to look into as a way to better understand for practicing.

[Kub933]

Hi John and welcome to the forum,

@JohnE

I started reading your journal from the begining since I’ve found that looking at other people’s practice and how it progresses helps me in understanding the technique. I hope it’s ok if I quote some really really old writings and ask questions about it.

Yes of course that is ok, I am actually quite amazed you decided to read the thing from start, there is quite a bit in there! I will say that alot was written as I was still getting to grips with what actualism is all about and so there is likely to be a bit of “fake it till you make it” there.

@JohnE

Is there a list of the tools that one can use? As i’ve mentioned before, one of my issues with Actualism is that there is this absolutely ginormous wall of text

Yes so to keep things simple I will mention one thing which I probably didn’t even write much about in my journal as it only fully clicked more recently. Which is to see that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. That ‘I’ don’t have feelings happen to ‘me’ but rather ‘I’ am ‘being’ those feelings. To see this will cut through alot of the BS that ‘I’ otherwise engage in whilst trying to control ‘my’ feelings.
I will leave it there for now and if you have any follow up questions about this let me know.

@JohnE

Btw side question, is there a way to bookmark a spot on someones journal so you can go right back? For now I’m writing down the date that I stop reading and will go back that way.

Yes if you go to the bottom right of a post there is the … if you click on this it gives the option to “bookmark this post”.

@JohnE

are there more forums out there than the one we’re in now or is zulip just what existed before this?

Yes so Zulip was the previous version of this one, I think there is some other ones out there (I remember an ex-member of this forum had another one going on somewhere) but I don’t know much about the specifics.

@JohnE

@Kub933

Unfortunately at the time like many others I was involved with Spirituality and self help and the PCE soon devolved into an altered state of consciousness where ‘I’ came in and flooded the experience with love and compassion.

I’ve seen people write this kind of off hand here, but I don’t fully understand what it means. What would be the definition that separates the two and how can you tell while you’re experience it that you are going from one to the other?

So experientially it was a big difference, before the PCE devolved into an ASC there was the experience of actual perfection and purity, and it was all so clean. When love and compassion descended it was as if someone had poured a thick and heavy syrup all over, and the actual perfection and purity was no longer experienced. Perhaps like the difference between a fresh summer breeze gently caressing the skin and a thick syrup enveloping one.

@JohnE

I’m still in the begining of your writings, but would you mind sharing shortly what it is that you changed to get your relationship to be like this. I’m still reading Richards journal and it seems like a beautiful way to live life.

Hmm that is a question which might not be easy to answer with a short reply Essentially we both set off on a voyage of discovery, to find out what is preventing an ongoing happiness and harmlessness for us individually and as companions. Which certainly meant flying directly in the face of ‘human wisdom’, it meant taking everything that is considered precious about a relationship and after a thorough investigation chucking it right out the window haha.

But I will say that we are both still afflicted with the human condition, which means that what we have is not an actual peace and harmony, at times feelings will come up but it’s more that peace and harmony is the norm rather than something which happens here and there when the stars align.

@JohnE

I hope I didn’t go against some kind of forum etiquette by asking questions about year old posts, but for me this is all new and great stuff to look into as a way to better understand for practicing.

Not at all, I was actually very pleasantly surprised when I saw your posts, it’s so refreshing to see sincerity in action. I will just say (and again I only understand this since recently) that actualism is not like a recipe or a system to memorise and then apply as a discipline. The best way to proceed is like what you are doing already which is to continue to search and to discover.

[JohnE]

@Kub933

Yes of course that is ok, I am actually quite amazed you decided to read the thing from start, there is quite a bit in there! I will say that alot was written as I was still getting to grips with what actualism is all about and so there is likely to be a bit of “fake it till you make it” there.

I figured that since all of you have been doing this for a long time I’ll likely run into the same issues that you have and so it would be useful to read it to see what you’ve been through. I also did feel that I became lighter and more in tune with the PCE while reading since things kept on clicking and making sense

@Kub933

Yes so Zulip was the previous version of this one, I think there is some other ones out there (I remember an ex-member of this forum had another one going on somewhere) but I don’t know much about the specifics.

Just asking out of curiosity, can’t say that there isn’t enough information in here to last me several years.

@Kub933

So experientially it was a big difference, before the PCE devolved into an ASC there was the experience of actual perfection and purity, and it was all so clean. When love and compassion descended it was as if someone had poured a thick and heavy syrup all over, and the actual perfection and purity was no longer experienced. Perhaps like the difference between a fresh summer breeze gently caressing the skin and a thick syrup enveloping one.

This makes sense and aligns with how I’ve felt PCE’s fall apart.

@Kub933

But I will say that we are both still afflicted with the human condition, which means that what we have is not an actual peace and harmony, at times feelings will come up but it’s more that peace and harmony is the norm rather than something which happens here and there when the stars align.

I’m curious to keep on reading your journal and see how it works out.
Do you have any practices you’ve done together or is it more a matter of discussing actualism together?

@Kub933

Not at all, I was actually very pleasantly surprised when I saw your posts, it’s so refreshing to see sincerity in action. I will just say (and again I only understand this since recently) that actualism is not like a recipe or a system to memorise and then apply as a discipline. The best way to proceed is like what you are doing already which is to continue to search and to discover.

I think this is what I’m having the hardest time with. There is only broad instructions that can be interpreted in multiple ways until one understands what they mean. Then they seem to make perfect sense for anyone whos doing them.

[Kub933]

Hi John,

@JohnE

Do you have any practices you’ve done together or is it more a matter of discussing actualism together?

Probably the closest we get to an “actualist practice” is watching reality TV together and discussing the various aspects of the human condition which pop up . But no it’s actually in the other direction, of re-discovering how to have fun together, to play together, to be liking and likeable and to delight in each others company, all in all there is very little seriousness between us.
The “practice” which made this possible was for us both to unilaterally commit to being happy and harmless as an ongoing modus operandi. So what I am getting at is that there is nothing to be done together in a way of a structured practice or something like a couples therapy etc.

@JohnE

I think this is what I’m having the hardest time with. There is only broad instructions that can be interpreted in multiple ways until one understands what they mean. Then they seem to make perfect sense for anyone whos doing them.

Yes I understand, but you know the more I look at it lately the more I realise that everything in life is like that. In that for example if I have never ridden a bike I could read all sorts of descriptions about what needs to be done and yet the first few attempts would very quickly expose the value (or lack of) of such understanding. Once I actually master riding the bike then I could describe it to others in many different ways but those descriptions would always be secondary to actual knowing.

So the actualism method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, each moment again - it is no more and no less than that. And that point took several years to sink in for me haha.

Perhaps it would be useful to go the other way around, which instructions are still unclear to you?

[JohnE]

Strange, the first part of my post was deleted somehow. I must’ve done something to erase it. I’ve completely forgotten what I wrote since I got engaged with answering your last question.

@Kub933

Perhaps it would be useful to go the other way around, which instructions are still unclear to you?

What I wrote above describes part of the problem. I can’t clearly do “enjoy and appreciate” I’m assuming this is because I haven’t gotten used to being like this so I can’t “feel” or rather “unfeel” myself into that way of being on command. I can see how my feelings don’t add anything and I’ve had lots of time over the years to see this. The problem has been knowing what to do with that since I can’t seem to shut them off without pushing them down which never made sense to me.

Could this be why I’m feeling that the instructions are unclear? When I ask myself “what instructions are still unclear” I get that I don’t fully know how to enjoy and appreciate. And I want more doing practices or practical things that I can do. Like watching reality Tv and seeing how crazy things are. But when I write that I also see that if I would do that as an instruction I would be deluding myself or forcing a new belief since I have to see and feel how crazy people act in a reality TV show.

Could it be said that the reason instructions seem broad and vague to me is because it’s not about adopting a new belief system. It’s about deeply understanding by experience how being controlled by feelings is a far inferior way of living live compared to being in the actual world where all is open, spacious, free and light feeling with endless possibilities and no sense of things needing to be a certain way since everything is exactly where it’s supposed to be.

It’s funny, as I write the above I can see myself come in and say. Damn, I’m just as frustrating as those instructions since I can’t put words onto what one is supposed to do, even though it’s just there at the tip of my tongue. As soon as I try to write what I mean, it kind of looses it’s directness since it’s not about that. It’s about how one relates to that, and that is something that can’t be read or understood intellectually, instead it’s something that needs to be felt.

[Kub933]

@JohnE

Could it be said that the reason instructions seem broad and vague to me is because it’s not about adopting a new belief system

Yes bullseye! It’s great that you can see this, indeed it is not adopting a new belief system. It seems broad and unclear because ‘I’ am looking for a belief system, ‘I’ want an authority to tell ‘me’ what to do, that only if ‘I’ follow with blind faith and trust ‘I’ will be rewarded what ‘I’ desire. That is the old way, the way which does not deliver the goods.
Of course coming from the real world it is natural that one will take this mindset with them into actualism.

In terms of how to ‘do’ enjoyment and appreciation, I will say this (and it is not me being tricky) - enjoyment and appreciation is something ‘I’ am ‘being’. What I would recommend is to be on the lookout for a moment in you day to day life where even if by chance you find yourself feeling good and enjoying and appreciating being here. It could be a stroll in the park on a sunny day or having a blast hanging out with your friends or some moment of delight with your partner etc.
When/if this enjoyment and appreciation is happening take note of it, of the flavour of it, of the experience, then put a big circle around it because that is the goal of actualism.

This might seem like a rather luke warm goal, or something too basic etc But when this enjoyment and appreciation is cranked up it is unbelievable what is possible, indeed the whole world can transform as if into a fairytale wonderland, and then there is still more, there is the actual world still to discover.

I will also plug this article (it’s likely others have already mentioned it, but in case they have not) as it contains all that is required in order to successfully apply the actualism method. In fact I remember one of the actually free guys mention that if they had nothing else than this article to go by they would have been able to become free from the human condition - This Moment Of Being Alive.

[JohnE]

@Kub933

It seems broad and unclear because ‘I’ am looking for a belief system, ‘I’ want an authority to tell ‘me’ what to do, that only if ‘I’ follow with blind faith and trust ‘I’ will be rewarded what ‘I’ desire. That is the old way, the way which does not deliver the goods.

I’m inclined to say that the search for rewards is not what I am after since I’ve never had guru worship and my reason for meditating has always been from the experience and shifts that I got from doing it. But it at the same time as I write that I also admit that I am looking for someone to tell me what to do . Man this feels like talking in circles. I think I get your point and will keep looking at it.

@Kub933

What I would recommend is to be on the lookout for a moment in you day to day life where even if by chance you find yourself feeling good and enjoying and appreciating being here. It could be a stroll in the park on a sunny day or having a blast hanging out with your friends or some moment of delight with your partner etc.
When/if this enjoyment and appreciation is happening take note of it, of the flavour of it, of the experience, then put a big circle around it because that is the goal of actualism.

This is great advice. I will do this even more since I have moments and periods every day where the world starts to sparkle and becomes quiet.

@Kub933

This might seem like a rather luke warm goal, or something too basic etc But when this enjoyment and appreciation is cranked up it is unbelievable what is possible, indeed the whole world can transform as if into a fairytale wonderland, and then there is still more, there is the actual world still to discover.

I have felt the pull of that and how it starts to spiral up but its not always easy to jump onto the wind and let oneself get swept away. Will keep focusing on the moments where reality is close to the actual world and see where things go.

@Kub933

I will also plug this article (it’s likely others have already mentioned it, but in case they have not) as it contains all that is required in order to successfully apply the actualism method. In fact I remember one of the actually free guys mention that if they had nothing else than this article to go by they would have been able to become free from the human condition - This Moment Of Being Alive .

Will make that my read today instead of your journal

[JohnE]

@Kub933

I will also plug this article (it’s likely others have already mentioned it, but in case they have not) as it contains all that is required in order to successfully apply the actualism method. In fact I remember one of the actually free guys mention that if they had nothing else than this article to go by they would have been able to become free from the human condition - This Moment Of Being Alive .

Read through this one and this was one of the best overviews of the actual practice that I have seen. Thank you for sharing this one.

[Kub933]

Hi John,

@JohnE

I have felt the pull of that and how it starts to spiral up but its not always easy to jump onto the wind and let oneself get swept away. Will keep focusing on the moments where reality is close to the actual world and see where things go.

Personally it took me about 6 months from taking up actualism to having my first PCE. Indeed it can be tricky because a PCE is not something that ‘I’ can make happen through control or forcing, a PCE is something that happens of it’s own accord and ‘I’ only allow it.
The great thing is that spending more and more time enjoying and appreciating life is in itself the goal and the reward. But at the same time the more ‘I’ feel good → great → excellent → the higher the chances of a PCE happening.

What you might find is that as the affective enjoyment and appreciation ramps up there comes a point where ‘you’ can become aware of something outside of ‘you’, a flavour that has nothing to do with ‘me’ or ‘my’ feelings. I often experience this as a magical flavour, one of immaculate perfection and purity. Each time this flavour is re-discovered there is the same freshness and delight, even though it is familiar.

It is this connection to the actual perfection and purity that sets one on the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom. This connection is ‘my’ compass guiding ‘me’ through the psychic maze. It makes it impossible for ‘me’ to remain as ‘I’ am because it has been seen that ‘I’ stand in the way of this immaculate perfection and purity being apparent.

May I ask what is the motivating factor behind your involvement with actualism? You mentioned on the forum that you have had numerous PCEs, is it to do with those?

You probably know this already from reading my journal but for me it was the PCE I had at 18 walking home from school, it was a life changing experience and there was just no way that ‘I’ could continue as ‘I’ was, what I experienced in that PCE was way too precious.