Thank you for your replies Vineeto and Geoffrey.
Yesterday I had a very weird experience or more a shift. I actually have no idea what to make of it in terms of any “actualist maps”, certainly not actual freedom however for a good part of last evening it seemed like it could have been.
I was contemplating on all that has been going on recently, seeing on one hand ‘my’ rottenness and on the other hand allowing pure intent, knowing that to proceed I will have to do something rather big, which is to proceed towards ‘my’ genuine extinction.
I was sitting on my bed and reading through the recent posts and all of a sudden I became aware of quite a sweet smell, now this wasn’t the sweetness of pure intent, more an actual sweet hint in the air, but nevertheless is was actual. All of a sudden something shifted, it’s like I found myself here where this moment is happening, then looking at that post written by ‘me’ it was like it was written by someone else, someone that was never genuine.
And then it was (and has been since) like I could not get away from being here where this moment is happening, that there was nowhere else to go to. This experience lasted the whole evening and it’s like by all means it seemed like ‘I’ disappeared. Although I did become aware of affect still happening, and other clues which show that it is not actual freedom. But this sense of having “come out here where this moment is happening” is still present today and in fact I don’t know if I could go back to where I was before that shift.
I have considered whether it could be an actuality mimicking ASC but the weird thing is that there was no sense of any pushing or any twisting of ‘myself’ prior to it, it happened by itself with none of that kind of activity prior.
Right now I experience myself to be here where this moment is happening but there is certainly affect still happening, but it’s like there is only pure affect and then there is actuality all around.
It’s very weird though, something has definitely shifted in a solid way, I don’t experience myself like I did just before that shift happened yesterday and I don’t really see how I could.