Now looking at the recent events there is something else that is becoming apparent. Because ‘I’ have seen that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core and of course ‘I’ could not be any kind of saviour.
But now is it that ‘I’ am still hoping to be saved or to be “made right”? It’s like what Srinath wrote a while back that the actualism method does not turn the T-rex that ‘I’ am into a plush toy. When ‘I’ apply the method ‘I’ am directing ‘my’ affective energy into the felicitous and innocuous feelings, and then later on when ‘I’ give way to pure intent ‘I’ am allowing that which is impeccable to live this life. But all the while ‘I’ remain rotten to ‘my’ very core!
But it’s like there is this hope somewhere there for ‘me’, that by being a ‘good actualist’ ‘I’ could be saved at ‘my’ very core, that ‘I’ would be “made right”. And this hope it will have ‘me’ remain forever, somewhat walking the wide and wondrous path but never arriving at the destination.
So I guess what I am getting at is that all that I have done with regards to walking the wide and wondrous path, this has made exactly 0% change on what ‘I’ am as a ‘self’ which is - fear, aggression, nurture and desire. What ‘I’ am at core is exactly as rotten now as it was at the beginning and it will remain exactly as rotten until the day it disappears via altruistic self-immolation.
So it seems perhaps there is benefit now in peeling back the actualist identity and seeing what is underneath there. Because there is exactly the same ‘self’ there as the one raging through the world with sorrow and malice. In fact I wonder if this is precisely what shook me like so, I guess Geoffrey made this point perfectly when he wrote the below :
“Pleasant and wholesome” could become a refuge, a hiding place, for an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.
This is what Claudiu mentioned after his visit with Geoffrey, that the bar to basic actual freedom is actually quite low, and yet somehow ‘I’ by being a ‘good actualist’ thought that it was the raising of the bar that would provide the answer. But this is exactly it - a refuge for ‘me’, so that ‘I’ can avoid this fact for a little longer - that ‘I’ am rotten to ‘my’ very core.
Hehe so back to the zombie apocalypse - I wrote then that it was the seeing what is at stake which lead to an impulse for action. But how can ‘I’ see what is at stake if ‘I’ am hiding in ‘my’ refuge of “pleasant and wholesome”. Actually if anything the connection to pure intent is what allows ‘my’ rotten to the core centre to be brought sharply into the picture, because there is now something outside of ‘me’ which ensures safety in ‘my’ day to day interactions.
I remember there was the lady of Indian descent who became actually free 24 hours after visiting Richard and Vineeto. In the past there was disbelief at this as ‘I’ had felt somewhat cheated. I am not actually sure if she did much in the way of applying the actualism method before hand. But the point is that ultimately it doesn’t matter, the method is an “in the meantime” method. That “last bit” or for some maybe the “first bit” haha - it is all the same.