Haha funny you wrote that, didn’t see it until after I wrote my message
I would say it does seem of benefit to go fully into whatever objection. Like it’s a passionate affair even. By doing so, when I resolve it I know it is actually resolved, I inspected every angle of it and it turned out to be nothing. There’s no better way to learn than being wrong haha.
It is becoming clearer that there is only 1 thing truly worth doing at this point. Whenever I watch various media like podcasts etc I notice that everyone is trying to do something. Watching a Jordan Peterson podcast just now there is clearly a well meaning person there, psychologically and psychically contorting himself into a pretzel in order to find a solution within the human condition. And I see the same all around, all these various systems which are well meaning but ultimately futile are being attempted by people worldwide.
And there is 1 difference here, why Richard succeeded and all those others failed. It is because Richard did not believe that human nature was set in stone. Of course if we accept this premise then the only thing that is possible is to do exactly what everyone has been doing for thousands of years with only questionable ‘success’.
I thought about this now and indeed if human nature was set in stone then life would be a sick joke, it would be an endless battle to keep ‘me’ in check, to continually deal with the problems that arise from ‘being’ itself. Then psychology and psychiatry and philosophy and the rest of it would be forever needed. This kind of fate would not approximate at all the perfection and purity which is evidenced in a PCE. And it is the PCE which shows by direct experience that freedom from the human condition is possible, that life is not a sick joke after all.
The PCE is the guiding light for an actualist because that perfection and purity is what ‘I’ strive to imitate. But it seems it comes to a point where this imitation is simply not good enough anymore, where only living the genuine article will satisfy.
I am always blown away by the distance that exists even between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and the perfection and purity of the PCE. How ‘my’ most precious feelings, beliefs, plans, schemes etc indeed ‘my’ whole life, can be shown in an instant to be worth absolutely nothing against that peerless perfection and purity. Even a momentary flash of the actual world immediately makes ‘my’ whole life pale in comparison, actually there isn’t even any comparison to begin with.
In this way even virtual freedom (although being way beyond ‘normal’ human expectations) is merely a half measure when contrasted against what the PCE demonstrates. There is very much this sense that what I have now is simply not good enough anymore. And not only that it is not enough to satisfy me but more so that humankind is in dire need for a solution which will eradicate the human condition. The original cause of all the issues needs to be eliminated rather than endlessly coming up with systems to ameliorate the symptoms which flow from this seemingly set in stone condition.
It’s interesting listening to someone like Jordan Peterson using his clearly sharp intellect to compose mind-bogglingly complex ‘solutions’ and then to consider that none of this activity would be needed if human nature was demonstrated to have the capacity for radical and fundamental change, as opposed to being “set in stone”.
I see this is what I get to do by becoming actually free. It is to demonstrate by living example that human nature is not set in stone, which means that life is not a sick joke, which means that none of those ‘tried and true’ systems need be entertained anymore. It is to demonstrate by living example that there is a far better solution available.
Kuba: It is becoming clearer that there is only 1 thing truly worth doing at this point. Whenever I watch various media like podcasts etc I notice that everyone is trying to do something. Watching a Jordan Peterson podcast just now there is clearly a well meaning person there, psychologically and psychically contorting himself into a pretzel in order to find a solution within the human condition. And I see the same all around, all these various systems which are well meaning but ultimately futile are being attempted by people worldwide.
And there is 1 difference here, why Richard succeeded and all those others failed. It is because Richard did not believe that human nature was set in stone. Of course if we accept this premise then the only thing that is possible is to do exactly what everyone has been doing for thousands of years with only questionable ‘success’.
I thought about this now and indeed if human nature was set in stone then life would be a sick joke, it would be an endless battle to keep ‘me’ in check, to continually deal with the problems that arise from ‘being’ itself. Then psychology and psychiatry and philosophy and the rest of it would be forever needed. This kind of fate would not approximate at all the perfection and purity which is evidenced in a PCE. And it is the PCE which shows by direct experience that freedom from the human condition is possible, that life is not a sick joke after all.
The PCE is the guiding light for an actualist because that perfection and purity is what ‘I’ strive to imitate. But it seems it comes to a point where this imitation is simply not good enough anymore, where only living the genuine article will satisfy.
I am always blown away by the distance that exists even between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and the perfection and purity of the PCE. How ‘my’ most precious feelings, beliefs, plans, schemes etc indeed ‘my’ whole life, can be shown in an instant to be worth absolutely nothing against that peerless perfection and purity. Even a momentary flash of the actual world immediately makes ‘my’ whole life pale in comparison, actually there isn’t even any comparison to begin with.
In this way even virtual freedom (although being way beyond ‘normal’ human expectations) is merely a half measure when contrasted against what the PCE demonstrates. There is very much this sense that what I have now is simply not good enough anymore. And not only that it is not enough to satisfy me but more so that humankind is in dire need for a solution which will eradicate the human condition. The original cause of all the issues needs to be eliminated rather than endlessly coming up with systems to ameliorate the symptoms which flow from this seemingly set in stone condition.
It’s interesting listening to someone like Jordan Peterson using his clearly sharp intellect to compose mind-bogglingly complex ‘solutions’ and then to consider that none of this activity would be needed if human nature was demonstrated to have the capacity for radical and fundamental change, as opposed to being “set in stone”.
I see this is what I get to do by becoming actually free. It is to demonstrate by living example that human nature is not set in stone, which means that life is not a sick joke, which means that none of those ‘tried and true’ systems need be entertained anymore. It is to demonstrate by living example that there is a far better solution available. (link)
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for this well-thought-out summary why, despite the considerable advantages of virtual freedom, an actual freedom is indeed the very best solution for this body, that body and for humankind at large. And the benefits of the flow-on effect for generations to come are truly incredible, unbelievable, unimaginable and inconceivable.
I just read this quote from Richard where he basically says the same as you just did – “Someone has to be intrepid enough (…), to show what is possible to a benighted humanity.”
RESPONDENT: Does responsibility and seriousness come with being carefree?
RICHARD: No, the utter reliability of being always happy and harmless replaces the onerous burden of being responsible … and actuality’s blithe sincerity dispenses with the gloomy seriousness that epitomises adulthood.
It is funny – in a peculiar way – for I often gain the impression when I speak to others, that I am spoiling their game-plan. It seems as if they wish to search forever … they consider arriving to be boring. How can unconditional peace and happiness, twenty-four-hours-a-day, possibly be boring? Is a carefree life all that difficult to comprehend? Why persist in a sick game … and defend one’s right to do so? Why insist on suffering when blitheness is freely available here and now? Is a life of perennial gaiety something to be scorned? I have even had people say, accusingly, that I could not possibly be happy when there is so much suffering going on in the world. The logic of this defies credibility: Am I to wait until everybody else is happy before I am? If I was to wait, I would be waiting forever … for under this twisted rationale, no one would dare to be the first to be happy. Their peculiar reasoning allows only for a mass happiness to occur globally; overnight success, as it were. Someone has to be intrepid enough to be first, to show what is possible to a benighted humanity.
One has to face the opprobrium of one’s ill-informed peers. (Richard, List B, No. 20a, 10 July 1998).
Cheers Vineeto
The above has been on my mind a lot lately, I realise that what I have been doing is actually the harder way. This habit I have of finding problems so that I can resolve them got ‘me’ trying to measure up to actuality. So not only did ‘I’ have the burden of ‘being’ to begin with but now ‘I’ was also setting ‘myself’ the task of ‘being’ as pure and perfect as actuality is - first of all an impossibility but also way harder than it has to be.
It clicked yesterday that it is actually way easier, because all ‘I’ have to do is die, ‘I’ don’t have to concern ‘myself’ at all with how this body will behave in actuality. ‘I’ dont have to worry about ‘being’ that pure and perfect.
What seemed like a curse (in that ‘I’ can never get to actuality) has since been seen as a blessing, because how on earth could ‘I’ ever make ‘myself’ that pure. No matter how many problems ‘I’ solve ‘I’ will remain rotten. What a pressure to take off to realise that ‘I’ will be left right at the door marked “Terra actualis”.
So now it’s just the easier task of dying 
dying still rotten, as I should be as a feeling being. It is all how it should be in the end, for if ‘I’ was to get ‘my’ wish granted and be able to enter actuality ‘I’ would suffer right through it all, ‘I’ can never live and act how this body is capable of when freed from ‘me’.
Vineeto: There is indeed no other way to solve the core of the human condition but to dissolve it, i.e. to leave it behind. It can be a sobering realisation but it is also a very liberating one – you can clean it up until the moon turns blue to no avail – in the final analysis it has no redeeming features given the perfect alternative now available.
In other words you can drop it, right here, right now.
Kuba: The above has been on my mind a lot lately, I realise that what I have been doing is actually the harder way. This habit I have of finding problems so that I can resolve them got ‘me’ trying to measure up to actuality. So not only did ‘I’ have the burden of ‘being’ to begin with but now ‘I’ was also setting ‘myself’ the task of ‘being’ as pure and perfect as actuality is - first of all an impossibility but also way harder than it has to be.
It clicked yesterday that it is actually way easier, because all ‘I’ have to do is die, ‘I’ don’t have to concern ‘myself’ at all with how this body will behave in actuality. ‘I’ don’t have to worry about ‘being’ that pure and perfect.
What seemed like a curse (in that ‘I’ can never get to actuality) has since been seen as a blessing, because how on earth could ‘I’ ever make ‘myself’ that pure. No matter how many problems ‘I’ solve ‘I’ will remain rotten. What a pressure to take off to realise that ‘I’ will be left right at the door marked “Terra actualis”.
So now it’s just the easier task of dying
Hi Kuba,
What an excellent conclusion!
I think it natural to proceed this way towards ‘self’-immolation, given ‘my’ dominant survival instinct – trying everything first until it is undeniably obvious that all options for ‘me’ to survive are exhausted. Only then the stronger instinct, altruism, can come to the fore.
When all possibilities are exhausted there is no choice. What a freedom to have no more choice!
Richard: One can argue about a belief, an opinion, a theory, an ideal and so on … but a fact: never. One can deny a fact – pretend that it is not there – but once seen, a fact brings freedom from choice and decision. Most people think and feel that choice implies freedom – having the freedom to choose – but this is not the case. Freedom lies in seeing the obvious, and in seeing the obvious there is no choice, no deliberation, no agonising over the ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ judgement. In the freedom of seeing the fact there is only action. (Richard, List B, No. 14b, 9 Nov 1998)
Cheers Vineeto
Yes it seems that before I could tell intellectually (from reading various information) that ‘I’ was doomed, that ‘I’ would have to die. But I hadn’t yet arrived at this realisation experientially, so there was always some kind of way out, the slightest of hopes that ‘I’ would survive it all. It seems the only way was to progressively exhaust all these possibilities.
Srinath actually summarised this very well in his report, towards the end he wrote :
The triumphal tone of an impending self-immolation was replaced then by a deep sincerity at the import of what had to happen. I thought of the old biblical tale of Moses being forbidden entry into the promised land and being able to gaze at it only from a distance.
…
‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. Suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness that emerged from me like a thin pungent streak. But it cut-off abruptly as if in mid-air, still-born.
So ‘I’ was on board this train and triumphantly proceeding forwards until it hit a wall that it can never get past. Here the ideas ‘I’ had about what self-immolation would entail were progressively shown to be dead ends, because all those ideas had a ‘me’ coming out the other side.
So now it is an interesting place, because all possibility for hope has ran out, without going into despair either, there is only hints of this “deep sincerity at the import of what had to happen”. As weird as it sounds this “doomed” place seems the one from which ‘I’ can altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’.
I cannot shake this thought though that it must be easy, that all ‘I’ have done so far was the difficult part.
Kuba: Yes it seems that before I could tell intellectually (from reading various information) that ‘I’ was doomed, that ‘I’ would have to die. But I hadn’t yet arrived at this realisation experientially, so there was always some kind of way out, the slightest of hopes that ‘I’ would survive it all. It seems the only way was to progressively exhaust all these possibilities.
Hi Kuba,
Hehe, hope has no place in the actual world and is now totally superfluous.
Peter: Above the door of the Actual Freedom Trust offices (if there ever is such a thing) will be a sign that reads ‘Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here’. (Library, Topics, Hope)
Richard: Please, whatever you do with me, throw faith, belief, trust and hope right out of the window … along with doubt, disbelief, distrust and despair.
Besides, I am a certified madman! (Richard, List B, No. 11, 2 Mar 1998)
Kuba: So now it is an interesting place, because all possibility for hope has ran out, without going into despair either, there is only hints of this “deep sincerity at the import of what had to happen”. As weird as it sounds this “doomed” place seems the one from which ‘I’ can altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’.
I cannot shake this thought though that it must be easy, that all ‘I’ have done so far was the difficult part. (link)
With no hope its opposites also disappear – doubt, disbelief, distrust and despair. Can you hear the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing yet? ♫♪ ♫ ♫♪
Your unshakeable thought that “it must be easy” is spot on. Look at all the reports, the point of transition was dead easy … and filled with the sweetness of pure intent.
Cheers Vineeto
I have so much appreciation for being able to talk like this and not just as idle discussion or “looking for problems to solve” because just as you mentioned in the past that peace on earth was your favourite subject I can now unreservedly say the same. And not just as a subject to be discussed but as an overarching goal in my life.
I will continue here so I’m not spamming @cross.chrono’s journal 
Looking back now there were so many times that this deep and sincere desire for peace on earth manifested itself. During my trip to New Zealand we were visiting @Sonyaxx’s extended family and one of them was this young girl that we got to spend quite a lot of time with. I experienced her to be this incredible beacon of naiveté, an absolute joy to interact with.
It was undeniably clear that she wasn’t merely a pawn to be moulded by society, here was a fellow human being, albeit a young one. Yet this fellow human being would very soon be subjected to something that would stamp out the last bits of naiveté out of her. Her joy and ease would be replaced by doom and gloom.
When we were spending time with her I became very aware of the ‘imprinting’ that takes place, that it wasn’t good enough for me to act in a moral way, I knew that simply by ‘being’ sorrow and malice (in whatever degree) she would already be ‘imprinted’. With something so precious at stake (that very naive enjoyment of life) it simply wasn’t good enough to nurse sorrow and malice in any degree. It was clear that anything other than actual innocence would hurt her, actually hurt her. And although she was born with those same instincts and therefore not innocent, she simply cannot know any better just yet.
There was his deep and sincere intent to bring about a world where children are not subjected to such an appalling fate. What a shame that this exquisite joy at being alive is turned into something so horrendous that only suicide or belief in ‘other worlds’ can ease the pain. There was very much a sense that I would gladly die for this.
Kuba: I have so much appreciation for being able to talk like this and not just as idle discussion or “looking for problems to solve” because just as you mentioned in the past that peace on earth was your favourite subject I can now unreservedly say the same. And not just as a subject to be discussed but as an overarching goal in my life.
Hi Kuba,
And your recent post is right in that vein –
Kuba: There was his deep and sincere intent to bring about a world where children are not subjected to such an appalling fate. What a shame that this exquisite joy at being alive is turned into something so horrendous that only suicide or belief in ‘other worlds’ can ease the pain. There was very much a sense that I would gladly die for this. (link)
Once you change the last sentence to “I will gladly die for this” it will be happening.
Kuba: It was always there, buried underneath all these other values and pursuits.
There was always this intent to find a way for myself and my fellow human beings to live how the PCE demonstrated to be possible. Yet this intent was as if filtered through various lenses of ‘my’ identity.
As the ‘high achiever’ deep down ‘I’ wanted the same but knew of no other way. This ‘high achiever’ could only go so far though because ‘he’ had locked ‘himself’ apart from others by ‘his’ own quest.
Indeed, and not only “from others” but from your own deepest longing for peace-on-earth as well. But you outwitted your own identity by taking up actualism and (inadvertently?) ended up where your deeply “buried” longing wanted to be all along.
Kuba: As a ‘high achiever’ ‘I’ was in ‘my’ own ivory tower which means I could not be a fellow human being.
And it is a tricky position to be in, there was a certain severity that came about as a result of locking ‘myself’ away like so, ‘I’ had separated ‘myself’ from ‘my’ roots.
Yes, it’s a serious business to get to the top and stay there, whichever ‘you’ consider the top. Yet because you wanted to the a “high achiever” in your avowed new-found aim of actualism and discovered, one by one, all the cunning plans of the identity to distract you, you nevertheless dismantled this “high achiever” in the end. Well done.
Kuba: This ‘high achiever’ did well to get thus far, ‘he’ used what was already at hand but ‘he’ could never altruistically sacrifice ‘himself’ out of the ivory tower.
No ‘he’ can’t, it requires a deep caring for one’s fellow human beings – which you discovered when you met this young, deliciously naïve girl in New Zealand.
Kuba: ‘I’ proceed towards ‘my’ self-immolation so that I can be what I have been all along – a fellow human being. (link)
Now that the “high achiever” met the end of ‘his’ career, ‘self’-centricity can drop away like a redundant cloak and deep caring for the plight of your fellow human beings will do the rest.
Cheers Vineeto
Yes and in fact just this morning when I was reading your reply to @claudiu and contemplating what was being spoken about I located this self centricity… It was right there along with the competitiveness, the resentment, the “I’m not good enough”, the dirtiness. Like a blanket that ‘I’ cast out over life, I saw that this condition is intrinsically painful.
I saw that without this self centricity there is such sweetness, such freedom, such delight. There is very much this sense that the universe happening in all its splendour and complexity is so much bigger than ‘me’.
I have had intimations of this condition before, that without a fixed point of reference, without a ‘me’ at the centre of existence there is such perfection and ease. It seems though that ‘I’ cannot possibly ‘be’ that. ‘I’ automatically coalesce into this ‘fixed point off reference’ at the centre of everything. This is what is painful, ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over life and turn it into a severe and solemn endeavour.
To try to ‘be’ that condition of freedom ‘I’ would have to go back into the sudorific quests, into the high achiever, ‘I’ would have to attempt escaping away from what ‘I’ am as a self. Indeed ‘I’ am backed right into a corner here .
Ah that is great to hear, because I know that the sincere intent is in place. I have often thought that there is nothing more ‘I’ could possibly generate. It is just that ‘I’ have been treating it all as a “maybe”. That sincere intent to bring about peace on earth is in place but ‘I’ have been hoping that it would happen to ‘me’. So it is in ‘my’ hands and ‘my’ hands alone, ‘I’ do not have to wait for something to descend upon ‘me’. And of course that makes sense! How could ‘I’ make that once in a lifetime decision to altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’ by waiting for something else to make the decision for ‘me’.
haha now ‘I’ am backed even more into the corner! [reading this back it’s incredible that this is experienced without any fear, just the thrill and the sweetness]
I am reminded of what you wrote to @claudiu :
At this point even the “how will I do it?" is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.
There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.
(do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)
Indeed when I crack an egg for breakfast ‘I’ am not waiting for something to descend upon ‘me’, ‘I’ am not wishing for how it would happen. To cut the long story short it can only be the doing of it now and ‘I’ am the one responsible for the action which brings about ‘my’ self immolation.
This business does get extremely experiential toward’s the end, and actually I am glad that it is so! That ‘I’ actually get to do it. This is being right on the frontline of being alive. Ha what a difference from ‘observing without attachment’ .
Vineeto: Now that the “high achiever” met the end of ‘his’ career, ‘self’-centricity can drop away like a redundant cloak and deep caring for the plight of your fellow human beings will do the rest.
Kuba: Yes and in fact just this morning when I was reading your reply to Claudiu and contemplating what was being spoken about I located this self-centricity … It was right there along with the competitiveness, the resentment, the “I’m not good enough”, the dirtiness. Like a blanket that ‘I’ cast out over life, I saw that this condition is intrinsically painful.
I saw that without this self-centricity there is such sweetness, such freedom, such delight. There is very much this sense that the universe happening in all its splendour and complexity is so much bigger than ‘me’.
I have had intimations of this condition before, that without a fixed point of reference, without a ‘me’ at the centre of existence there is such perfection and ease. It seems though that ‘I’ cannot possibly ‘be’ that. ‘I’ automatically coalesce into this ‘fixed point off reference’ at the centre of everything. This is what is painful, ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over life and turn it into a severe and solemn endeavour.
To try to ‘be’ that condition of freedom ‘I’ would have to go back into the sudorific quests, into the high achiever, ‘I’ would have to attempt escaping away from what ‘I’ am as a self. Indeed ‘I’ am backed right into a corner here .
Hi Kuba,
Goodness me, have you resurrected the problem-creator to please the problem-solver? Luckily it is only short-lived when I read on.
Kuba: There was very much a sense that I would gladly die for this
Vineeto: Once you change the last sentence to “I will gladly die for this” it will be happening.
Kuba: Ah that is great to hear, because I know that the sincere intent is in place. I have often thought that there is nothing more ‘I’ could possibly generate. It is just that ‘I’ have been treating it all as a “maybe”. That sincere intent to bring about peace on earth is in place but ‘I’ have been hoping that it would happen to ‘me’. So it is in ‘my’ hands and ‘my’ hands alone, ‘I’ do not have to wait for something to descend upon ‘me’. And of course that makes sense! How could ‘I’ make that once in a lifetime decision to altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’ by waiting for something else to make the decision for ‘me’.
Indeed. There is only one act left for ‘you’ to do, no other tasks but this one. And with the experience of “such sweetness, such freedom, such delight”, “splendour and complexity” pure intent is right here to give you all the confidence you need.
Kuba: haha now ‘I’ am backed even more into the corner! [reading this back it’s incredible that this is experienced without any fear, just the thrill and the sweetness]
You must like being in the corner. I don’t see that you are in a corner. It’s a wide-open playground to dance and celebrate. You are seeing the facts very clearly (even though you might pretend not to) and now there is only action.
Kuba: I am reminded of what you wrote to Claudiu :
Vineeto: At this point even the “how will I do it?" is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.
There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.
(do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)
Kuba: Indeed when I crack an egg for breakfast ‘I’ am not waiting for something to descend upon ‘me’, ‘I’ am not wishing for how it would happen. To cut the long story short it can only be the doing of it now and ‘I’ am the one responsible for the action which brings about ‘my’ self immolation.
This business does get extremely experiential towards the end, and actually I am glad that it is so! That ‘I’ actually get to do it. This is being right on the frontline of being alive. Ha what a difference from ‘observing without attachment’ .
Ha, and nobody else can do it for you and how perfect is that.
Yes, it is vital, exuberant, vibrant, thrilling without fear, full of sweetness and delight – the moment you have been waiting for, working towards, the crowning achievement of ‘your’ existence, when ‘your’ deepest longing for oblivion and the universe’s stream of benignity and benevolence for once happen in unison and you leave your ‘self’ behind.
Enjoy.
Cheers Vineeto
‘He’ briefly wandered onto the stage then remembered that ‘he’ is now retired.
Well it’s good that the need for patience disappeared along with ‘Vinneto’ lol. But ‘I’ only had so many tricks up ‘my’ sleeve and they have been exhausted now.
Nothing more to say now just a big cheers!
Today things have been going absolutely spectacularly, I actually don’t have words to convey the wonder and delight that is being experienced. It’s interesting because although this thing with the “turning over” in the nape of the neck seems to have been unique to Richard, I have observed something similar many times, although there is no turning over but rather a building pressure. Usually for a day or so I will experience this building pressure right in the nape of the neck, it’s almost like the brain is charging up for something. When this is happening there is very much a sense of the sensate world coming strongly to the fore but I also find I am usually quite tired during those times. Then usually the day after (exactly as happened today) I find myself experiencing previously untouched levels of freedom and delight.
What is even more marvellous is that the experiencing seems to be in large part anhedonic, it is the direct sensate experience of the delights of the actual world, and what a marvellous world we exist in! Driving back from training today I only had this huge smile on my face and a sense of completion. There is still actual freedom to proceed to of course but just to experience what is here for everybody - that utter perfection and purity - had me thinking that I could gladly die right now. When this thought occurred I realised that indeed this is what will happen . That ‘I’ do not go any further and yet ‘I’ can go into blessed oblivion with this sense of a job well done and the sure knowledge that what will remain after ‘I’ disappear is paradise. So yes now this “I could die right now” needs to change to “I will die right now”.
It’s interesting because in the past being so close to it happening there was this sense of frustration, ‘I’ just wanted to get it over and done with, some slight desperation. But now this isn’t happening anymore, it is clear that ‘I’ am doing all that ‘I’ can and the best that ‘I’ can do is to continue allowing this process to it’s completion.
Now I am aware that these opportunities need to be grabbed with both hands whenever possible so I have been remaining attentive as ever to what could provide that last 0.001%.
It seems this whole process of stepping out from control has been a process of “coming to terms” with the actuality of what is to happen. Initially it was more like a far away idea/hope/plan, a “maybe”… It took some time to come to terms with the fact that actual freedom is to land irrevocably into the world that the PCEs demonstrate, as a living actuality. Ha of course this would take some time coming to terms with, it is so huge!
But now it is more like it would be weird if it was not to happen, that proceeding into actual freedom is a natural progression of the process that started last year. Even writing this there is a tingling excitement as this sinks in even deeper - that it will actually happen.
The only thing that seems to steer me off course (temporarily only) seems to be the evening time. It’s kind of odd and it’s always been like this, especially in winter here in the UK where it gets dark pretty early. The way I experience it is that in the mornings it is as if the whole world is open to me, so much to delight in. As the day approaches it’s completion there is this affective darkness that descends in tandem with the actual darkness haha. Either way it is time wasted, that currently I only have until 4pm or so to utterly delight and to proceed closer to actual freedom So the aim is to remain exactly where I am now and delight in the magical darkness all the same, why should it be any different? (currently 16:02 and I am still delighting 
).
The other interesting thing which happened yesterday was seeing as a fact that in actuality physical death is not a problem in the slightest. I was watching some reality tv and it dawned on me that this universe has no boundaries and as such there is actually no outside, we are completely “encompassed” by infinitude. It is hard to use normal words to describe this accurately but it is as if infinitude is this safety blanket that one could never get outside of, it is literally an impossibility, as flesh and blood bodies we exist so safely in infinitude. It is exactly a safety that has never known any threat, nor ever will. Upon physical death there is simply nowhere else to go to and what a relief that is.
The wonderful thing is that infinitude not only provides ultimate safety and security but having no boundaries (and therefore no separation) it also provides actual intimacy. So not only am I so safely here but I am so intimately here. This is so magical, in that the universe has provided ultimate safety and yet still ultimate delight. Indeed what a fool ‘I’ am to resent this universe, where ‘my’ best solution was to separate ‘myself’ from all of existence in order to generate a feeling of safety. The universe has a wayyy better solution, it has managed to provide both this closeness and safety all wrapped up in the same parcel of infinitude.
It is interesting to try using normal words to describe actual intimacy but it is a closeness that cannot be measured by the normal parameters of near or far, of here and there, it is that close! 
The PCE will show that the ‘persona’ that was just a second prior (now in abeyance) has no actual existence at all and what you actually are (and have been all along) will become apparent, yet once ‘you’ are back in the picture (and bearing in mind that actualism is an experiential method) it is beneficial to bear in mind that ‘I’ the persona can never be what was glanced in the PCE, ‘I’ am forever separated from the actual world.
Writing this last night to @roy I had a bit of a “oh shit” moment It clicked that no matter how close ‘I’ get there is an absolutely unbridgeable distance between ‘me’ and actuality, one that can only be eliminated by ‘my’ death. This led to something like a panic attack, and yet ‘I’ could not put the breaks on! I went to bed eventually whilst this thing was playing out and it was fascinating that it was a breeze to get through, without halting for even a second. It has continued this morning and still ‘I’ simply cannot put the breaks on, there is just the thrill and the willingness to carry this thing through to it’s conclusion.
It makes me think of what Richard wrote in his journal - “Are fear, terror, horror and dread only real Is it only an act I have to play out in order to be here now?”. But they have now lost the ability to halt progress.
Initially this fear seemed so vast and bottomless that there could be no way to proceed through it and yet there is this automatic courage to do exactly that, it seems there isn’t anything in ‘me’ left that would turn back around. This is certainly shaping up to be quite an adventure!
Geoffrey wrote :
RICHARD:I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity.
Who is that ‘me’, if not humanity?
‘I’ am humanity. And as such, ‘my’ destiny can be achieved.
“Pleasant and wholesome” could become a refuge, a hiding place, for an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.
If one is to be humanity, then nothing of humanity shall be foreign to one.
“The psyche is a frightful place” indeed.
> What is it that Richard admires about ‘me’? Daring, and audacity.
Hi Kuba,
Wow!
So am I.
Full of appreciation and admiration.
Regards Vineeto
Each time I re read this it gets me every time — the facticity of what is written here is self-evident
It seems that this fact that there is only infinitude and nothing ‘outside’ of it, is the ‘why’ of why it is utterly safe in the actual world
Such safety is intrinsically alluring and ‘attractive’ for me as an identity who wants to be safe. It provides a bright beacon towards which to aim!
It makes everything ‘ok’ and appears to guarantee success — but that last step must still be taken of course !
This is wondrous too, as ‘me’ separating ‘myself’ in order to create a faux safety and to feel safe, is inherently separative and thus denying of intimacy. This why intimacy can be a fearful endeavor for so many , as you have to step outside your self-centric bubble of apparent safety
Yet contrarily it is that the infinitude results in all being factually safe without any conditions needed, as such there is nothing to prevent as potent and magical an intimacy as can be, there is no barrier to overcome and no fear as I am safe anyway and nothing is unsafe so I can go as far into intimacy that I want !
Yes that is exactly the reason! There is nowhere else.
Yes it is an interesting thing that in the space of a few hours ‘I’ can first bask in the sure knowledge that this ultimate safety does actually exist and then remember that “oh shit ‘I’ will die for this” . There is an utterly unassailable safety for this flesh and blood body and yet ‘I’ will forever remain unsafe, and there is only 1 way out of this pickle.
When I read this something clicked on a very fundamental level, that ‘my’ need to generate a feeling of safety/security is tied in with inevitably maintaining separation. It has been mentioned before that the common theme in those who self-immolated was a desire to end the separation between them and their fellow human beings.
Well now it’s obvious that it simply cannot happen as long as ‘I’ remain in existence, ‘I’ must altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’ so that actual intimacy is possible. The way ‘I’ am set up simply cannot allow actual intimacy as ‘my’ safety requires separation.
‘I’ must sacrifice ‘my’ artificial ‘safety/security’ by allowing self-immolation to happen, then there can be actual intimacy (and of course actual safety and security). This is getting really uncanny, it seems like it could happen right now. Indeed it almost did I am sure of it, it seems like the flimsiest bit of string held ‘me’ back. Something like “oh wow it’s actually happening, it’s too good to be true”. It needs to be made a guaranteed event now as opposed to some bolt of lightning descending as if by luck.
What led to this “almost” came exactly from left-field, it was something in what you wrote @claudiu that caught ‘me’ off-guard and made ‘me’ pause for a second, when ‘I’ contemplated on it, all of a sudden it became clear that ‘I’ have to disappear in order to allow this perfect destiny. And yet something was still not quite there, this is as close as I have ever been though so definitely a good sign!