Something to share from my own experience here. I was realizing a key difference between how I am now vs how I was before going out-from-control: it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it? What’s the next step?”
In other words the decision has already been made, and doesn’t keep needing to be made over and over. Now it’s just a matter of it coming to a culmination 
Fun times indeed!
Cheers,
Claudiu