Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?
Kuba: Yes in fact I have! I was just observing this yesterday. ‘I’ have changed recently, actually this quote from Richard’s journal describes the change quite well :
Richard: “Pure intent produces total dedication. It is experienced as an irresistible enticement. It makes it impossible not to do what is required, or to sweep an issue under the carpet, or to let sleeping dogs lie, or to continue to conform to the long-failed dictates of the status-quo. One finds oneself unable to neglect, or fail to care for, oneself or the other … or for the plants, if they need tending. One cannot ignore their plight. This glorious garden is a clearly visible example of how one can operate with oneself and another.” (Richard’s Journal, Article 4).
I found something like a softness/ tenderness in ‘me’ as well as a growing appreciation, especially with regards to people, which is where ‘I’ always struggled in the past. Actually it’s a very lovely change, it’s something deep in ‘me’ that has shifted and a certain severity and solemnity is being replaced with something more tender and sweet. It’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable.
And I was thinking yesterday why this change, is it that with what those moments of apperception show it is then impossible to go back to how ‘I’ was, that it is impossible not to appreciate and enjoy when it has been seen just how precious being alive is.
But yes, as you say “When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do” – this is indeed happening. Yesterday after ‘I’ came back ‘I’ attempted to rush the process forward by going back to ‘doing’ and then basically some hours later I realised that this is a complete dead end. It’s forgetting that those moments of apperception happened precisely because ‘I’ got out of the way.
Actually it’s cool because (to use Geoffrey’s words) before ‘I’ tried to grasp the process the “doorway” seemed to be indeed as big as the universe and then later once ‘I’ grasped it, it became exactly “small and vanishing”. (link)
Hi Kuba,
I appreciate your detailed description and the various insights you gained such as “it’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable”, also that when you resurrected the ‘doer’, the “doorway” became “small and vanishing”. It seems to me those changes happen without ‘your’ doing (when you allow it) and you often only notice in hindsight what happened, and slowly get used to the unfamiliar, different way of being.
Kuba: Experientially I am quite familiar with the target now, I realise that in the past I actually had no clue what I was aiming for with regards to actual freedom so of course ‘I’ created imaginary targets and aimed for those.
Whereas now I have utmost confidence that the world glimpsed in those periods of apperceptiveness, the world of the “utter fullness”, is the correct target, it is the actual world where this body already exists without any input from ‘me’. There is also a surety that to live in the world of the “utter fullness” is my destiny, and it is already here. (…)
Now that you have “utmost confidence” you are indeed aiming for the “correct target” (very, very important), have you pondered the question of irrevocability? – as in Claudiu’s report of Geoffrey’s words –
Claudiu: It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride. (link)
I am not necessarily suggesting you are on a “playground ride” but the very fact that ‘my’ demise will be irrevocable needs a clear, unwavering and unequivocal concurrence.
Richard: … Will one dare to venture into unknown territory? Will one devote oneself to becoming totally free of sorrow and malice? Will one become, for the first time, happy and harmless? When one sees the appalling misery and utter danger that lies in remaining ‘I’ and ‘me’, the psychological and psychic entities within the body, there is only one response … immediate and irrevocable action. With ‘I’ and ‘me’ extirpated, then – and only then – is there actual peace-on-earth. And this provides the possibility of a global peace … not that that matters all that much when one is autonomous. (Richard, List B, No. 19, #pacifism).
Kuba: Although the matter of “how will the deal be sealed” is still an experiential question mark. (link)
Your question will only be answered after it happened. I am reminded of a conversation I had with Claudiu –
Vineeto: I enjoyed reading your post “it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it?”
At this point even the “how will I do it?” is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.
There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.
(Do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)
The relevant question at this point is “when” and the answer is easy – there is always only this moment. (Vineeto to Claudiu, 30 Sep 2024)
Cheers Vineeto