Vineeto: Mmh, Richard talks about a “redemptive straw” or “one of several doomsday straws” in combination of a deep foreboding…
…I don’t know if this applies.
Kuba: Yes it is interesting that resistance, anxiety, stress, fear, dread etc. all these play little to no role lately, and I got a rather big mouthful of those at one point. (link)
Hi Kuba,
You reported lots of explorations into strong fear, it is excellent that “all these play little to no role lately”.
Kuba: So driving home just now I realise that this whole problem only exists because ‘I’ still take ‘myself’ to be the epicentre of existence. That ‘I’ am that important for the whole world to notice that ‘I’ disappeared – here comes the messiah again lol.
Looks like there is more to that pride, ‘I’ want to be seen, to be important, and so ‘I’ cement ‘my’ existence.
I can see that it is possible to be anonymous, in fact the world wouldn’t even notice. It is more that ‘I’ have a stake in being “someone in particular”.
‘I’ do not wander off into exile because ‘I’ want to remain a ‘someone’ in relation to ‘others’. Going into the wonderland there is only anonymity.
More than anonymity, you will no longer exist which includes all ‘your’ emotional and imagination-fuelled memories. The anonymity is an aspect of living in the actual world. ‘You’ will not only cease to exist but when I became actually free I knew I had always been here as me, this flesh-and-blood body – it’s a seamless transition.
Kuba: It looks like this is it – ‘I’ am not ready yet to no longer be a ‘someone’.
Ha, I can hear you saying that, over and over. But ‘your’ days are numbered nevertheless.
Kuba: Of course this makes so much sense, ‘I’ need ‘humanity’ to affirm the ‘who’ that ‘I’ am. In that wonderland there is no one to do that anymore.
This is rather silly and yet it seems to be the reason – pride and humility – ‘I’ don’t proceed into exile because ‘I’ want to be a ‘someone’. (link)
Pride and humility are a rich field for investigation, aren’t they.
Kuba: But it seems this is not just about vanity, it is more that ‘my’ very existence requires such a mirror. It is like Richard wrote that – Pride and humility stands in the way of ceasing all self-centred activity. But this self-centred activity of maintaining ‘myself’ is a burden for ‘me’. I am happy that I have managed to get this bugger by the throat now. I noticed that even resolving this whole business around being out from control removed some of this burden, with no label to live up to ‘I’ was freed to be more sincere and more naive.
This is excellently put “with no label to live up” – and you said it well the other day –
Kuba: … it’s more like ‘I’ am speedily loosing all ‘my’ feathers and ‘my’ cap (link)
Kuba: Now I see that it is possible to be anonymous – that choice is freely available.
Maybe it’s just the way you phrased it – ‘your’ future is not to be living in anonymity – upon becoming free ‘you’ will disappear like Santa Claus in ‘your’ world vanished into thin air many years ago. Santa Claus is not “living in anonymity”.
Kuba: Yesterday I had these very fascinating glimpses of what it means to be anonymous, it clarified what the goal is, what actual freedom is like. It is not like what ‘I’ have been imagining at all. It is the end of all self-centred activity, a blessed release into anonymity.
Ha, that’s great – it put an end to ‘your’ future imaginings. Just don’t add any new ones such as “the anonymous messiah”. 
Kuba: Whereas as the messiah, actual freedom would be like ‘my’ final form of recognition – of ‘being’ – of course this is the completely wrong direction. (link)
Yes, it would be, the ultimate feather in ‘your’ cap.
• [Richard]: I found out where I had been going wrong for eleven years … self-aggrandisement is so seductive’. (Richard, AF List, No. 16, 8 Jan 2001).
• [Richard]: ‘I set my sights further than being a mere saviour of humankind, all those years ago when I was determined to be free of the human condition, and I am not likely to fall back into that position now that I have succeeded’. (Richard, List B, No. 34a, 8 June 1999).
• [Richard]: ‘I also say (repeatedly) that I set my sights further than merely being (yet again) another of the long list of failed Messiahs and Masters, Gurus and God-Men, Saints and Sages, Avatars and Saviours and that I am not likely to fall back into that position now that I am free from the human condition’. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 13 Oct 1999).
• [Richard]: ‘I set my sights further than being yet another embodiment of that ‘supreme intelligence’ all those years ago, when I first began my journey into ‘my’ psyche (which is the ‘human’ psyche), so I am not likely to fall back into that position now’. (Richard, List B, No. 40, 3 Oct 1999).
Isn’t it wonderful and confidence-inspiring that actuality is so pure that nothing dirty can get in?
Richard: It is life in the real-world (being normal) which has the dark underbelly – and thus, albeit sublimated and transcended, so too has life in the unreal-world (being abnormal) – not life here in this actual world … the pristine perfection of the peerless purity the infinitude this universe actually is ensures nothing dirty (‘being’ or ‘presence’) can get in. (Richard, AF List, No. 27f, 24 Oct 2003).
Cheers Vineeto