Richard: However, a word of experiential advice: just prior to apperception occurring, ‘I’, the beholder – the one who wants to be in control – can view life as being bereft of depth. Everything can become flat, two-dimensional, barren and stark. This is not actuality, although one may be inclined to feel it to be so. This is reality, stark reality, and is not to be confused with actuality. Actuality is never, ever, stark. This starkness can influence one to pull back, to retreat into ‘normal’ life. Courage of one’s conviction and confidence in the purity of the actual is essential if one is to proceed. All of one’s ‘being’ wants to back off and regain the once-despised reality that looks so attractive now, from this extreme position. This stark reality is a barrier; it is a desert of monumental proportions that one can only traverse if supplied with the fortitude garnered from the peak experience. Then one is willing to endure the ghastly reality masquerading as the actual. The very ground beneath one’s feet can appear to shift, to disappear, and all seems to hang upon nothing. Unsupported and alone, one is in the outer-most reaches of ‘being’. The feeling is that one cannot survive this appalling emptiness without going mad. To be in durance vile is not for the faint-hearted, the weak of knee. Nerves of steel are essential if one is to meet one’s destiny. It is the adventure of a life-time. (Richard’s Journal, Article 26)
Kuba: So the above quote demonstrates exactly what has been going on recently, it has been a pretty rocky ride at times!
I remember Richard wrote that as weird as it may seem at first what ‘I’ desire deeply is what ‘I’ fear the most, this experientially clicked today. Because ‘I’ do desire oblivion and yet to proceed towards ‘my’ extinction is what ‘I’ fear the most.
I have had Vineeto’s recent story in mind… The way I have been experiencing it is that ‘I’ have also got on a dinghy and pushed ‘myself’ away from the shore, now ‘I’ find ‘myself’ floating naked before the universe and with no direction that ‘I’ could possibly steer ‘myself’ to.
It makes sense now that ‘I’ would want to ‘do’ something, anything to retreat into ‘normal’ life and away from the starkness. But ‘I’ cannot do that convincingly anymore, sometimes ‘I’ will anyways and very quickly it will become apparent that there is absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to. Having nothing of substance to go back to is what makes it an oft-times alarming but always thrilling ride.
Essentially as Richard wrote :
Richard: It is incumbent upon one to stand fast, as a flesh and blood body only, without moving in any direction at all … and be what-one-is. Only in this manner will the instincts reveal themselves for what they are. ‘I’ will be laid open and the core of ‘me’ will be revealed for the blind and instinctual ‘being’ that ‘I’ am. (Richard’s Journal, Article 23)
Kuba: And this is it, the core of ‘me’, ‘my’ precious is what ‘I’ am allowing to be exposed. This is somewhat similar and yet very different to what ‘I’ did with ‘my’ social identity. All along the path there was this need to be willing to relinquish a precious part of ‘myself’ BUT ‘my’ very core would get to remain.
Whereas this ‘process’ that is happening now will ensure that whatever is still left in ‘my’ hiding place will be exposed, ‘I’ will not get to keep anything hidden. So it is proceeding towards what ‘I’ fear most and what ‘I’ desire the most.
But I can see now that this is exactly what has been happening, this ‘process’ will progressively expose ‘me’ in ‘my’ entirety, ‘I’ cannot cut a single corner, ‘I’ do not get to keep even this little thing tucked away ‘over there’.
Indeed this is an adventure of a lifetime, I can see the benefit of writing about this because this “desert of monumental proportions” is a deterrent from proceeding towards my destiny (and the same for my fellow human beings). Richard had the courage of his convictions and proceeded through it with no precedent, but he was exceptionally exceptional. It will be useful for others to know that it is indeed possible to traverse this.
The other interesting thing which I forgot to mention is that when ‘I’ am experiencing this starkness full on it appears as if this is all that ‘I’ have ever known and all ‘I’ will ever know, and yet it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that. (link)
Hi Kuba,
What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions”” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”.
Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.”
However, in the ultimate analysis it does not matter, because once the weirdness ends and you know with the perspicacity of apperception that “none of that ever happened” but was “nothing but an illusion all along”.
Richard: I mean it when I say: ‘I have the most classic indication of insanity. That is: everyone else is mad but me’.
The sanity of the real world – which is a sanity that produces wars and rapes and murders and tortures and domestic violence and child abuse and sadness and loneliness and grief and depression and suicide – is a sickness, a blight upon this fair earth. Thus, whichever way it is defined, I am not sane … I have oft-times been told that only a fool – a simpleton – can be happy and harmless in the world of people, things and events.
The doorway to an actual freedom has the words ‘Warning: do not open … insanity lies ahead’ written on it. I opened the door and walked through. Once on the other side – where thousands upon thousands of atavistic voices were insistently whispering ‘fool – fool – fool’ – I turned to ascertain the way back to normal. The door had vanished – and the wall it was set in – and I just knew that I would never, ever be able to find my way back to the real-world … it had been nothing but an illusion all along. I walked tall and free as the perfection of this material universe personified … I can never not be here … now. (Richard, List B, No. 26a, 24 Nov 1998).
Kuba: Reading this back I can see why it might be “rocky at times”, there is still some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’. It is odd because where pure intent is pulling ‘me’ is towards the end of suffering and yet ‘I’ experience it almost as if it’s some kind of an assault. ‘I’ am desperately holding onto ‘me’ and yet ‘I’ am suffering, and then the pull towards the end of suffering is experienced as an assault… (link)
I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness. The more you pay close attention to this “resistance”, and your experience of pure intent “as an assault” which is counteracting the “oblivion” you yearn for, the more you can deliberately lean into the feeling that “‘I’ do desire oblivion”, recognize and acknowledge it as a sincere yearning, a deeply felt longing, a life-long passionate wish to end being a fraud/an impostor who is having to carry the burden of hiding and desperately defending its own frightful secret.
The reason I can speak so confidently about this ‘life-long passionate wish to end being a fraud’ is because ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events, that ‘she’ always wondered why that was so. ‘She’ finally found the answer when learning about an actual freedom – with the possibility to make those enticing seconds a permanent experience, via ‘her’ acquiesce to ‘her’ demise.
Richard: When the ultimate moment happens, one finds that one has gone beyond everything. Nothing remains, only utter stillness abounds. The perfection and purity of the stillness is impossible to imagine or believe … it has to be lived to be known. The journey is over, one has arrived at one’s destination. One’s destiny is here. (Richard’s Journal, Article 23).
Thinking of you with the confidence of the pure intent showering its blessings, originating in the purity and vast stillness of this infinite and eternal universe.
[bless: confer well-being upon, make happy, cause to prosper; endow with. (Oxford Dictionary).]
Cheers Vineeto