However, a word of experiential advice: just prior to apperception occurring, ‘I’, the beholder – the one who wants to be in control – can view life as being bereft of depth. Everything can become flat, two-dimensional, barren and stark. This is not actuality, although one may be inclined to feel it to be so. This is reality, stark reality, and is not to be confused with actuality. Actuality is never, ever, stark. This starkness can influence one to pull back, to retreat into ‘normal’ life. Courage of one’s conviction and confidence in the purity of the actual is essential if one is to proceed. All of one’s ‘being’ wants to back off and regain the once-despised reality that looks so attractive now, from this extreme position. This stark reality is a barrier; it is a desert of monumental proportions that one can only traverse if supplied with the fortitude garnered from the peak experience. Then one is willing to endure the ghastly reality masquerading as the actual. The very ground beneath one’s feet can appear to shift, to disappear, and all seems to hang upon nothing. Unsupported and alone, one is in the outer-most reaches of ‘being’. The feeling is that one cannot survive this appalling emptiness without going mad. To be in durance vile is not for the faint-hearted, the weak of knee. Nerves of steel are essential if one is to meet one’s destiny. It is the adventure of a life-time.
So the above quote demonstrates exactly what has been going on recently, it has been a pretty rocky ride at times!
I remember Richard wrote that as weird as it may seem at first what ‘I’ desire deeply is what ‘I’ fear the most, this experientially clicked today. Because ‘I’ do desire oblivion and yet to proceed towards ‘my’ extinction is what ‘I’ fear the most.
I have had Vineeto’s recent story in mind… The way I have been experiencing it is that ‘I’ have also got on a dinghy and pushed ‘myself’ away from the shore, now ‘I’ find ‘myself’ floating naked before the universe and with no direction that ‘I’ could possibly steer ‘myself’ to.
It makes sense now that ‘I’ would want to ‘do’ something, anything to retreat into ‘normal’ life and away from the starkness. But ‘I’ cannot do that convincingly anymore, sometimes ‘I’ will anyways and very quickly it will become apparent that there is absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to. Having nothing of substance to go back to is what makes it an oft-times alarming but always thrilling ride.
Essentially as Richard wrote :
It is incumbent upon one to stand fast, as a flesh and blood body only, without moving in any direction at all … and be what-one-is. Only in this manner will the instincts reveal themselves for what they are. ‘I’ will be laid open and the core of ‘me’ will be revealed for the blind and instinctual ‘being’ that ‘I’ am.
And this is it, the core of ‘me’, ‘my’ precious is what ‘I’ am allowing to be exposed. This is somewhat similar and yet very different to what ‘I’ did with ‘my’ social identity. All along the path there was this need to be willing to relinquish a precious part of ‘myself’ BUT ‘my’ very core would get to remain.
Whereas this ‘process’ that is happening now will ensure that whatever is still left in ‘my’ hiding place will be exposed, ‘I’ will not get to keep anything hidden. So it is proceeding towards what ‘I’ fear most and what ‘I’ desire the most.
But I can see now that this is exactly what has been happening, this ‘process’ will progressively expose ‘me’ in ‘my’ entirety, ‘I’ cannot cut a single corner, ‘I’ do not get to keep even this little thing tucked away ‘over there’.
Indeed this is an adventure of a lifetime, I can see the benefit of writing about this because this “desert of monumental proportions” is a deterrent from proceeding towards my destiny (and the same for my fellow human beings). Richard had the courage of his convictions and proceeded through it with no precedent, but he was exceptionally exceptional. It will be useful for others to know that it is indeed possible to traverse this.
The other interesting thing which I forgot to mention is that when ‘I’ am experiencing this starkness full on it appears as if this is all that ‘I’ have ever known and all ‘I’ will ever know, and yet it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds - where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.