Ah, cool. That’s really good to hear 
1 Like
I’m excited to pick more fruits now that they’re all low-hanging!
3 Likes
4 | 6 | 24
Spent the second half of the day in really sweet excellence, and something really magical happens when the ‘I’ truly relaxes.
The spectrum between relatively normal chilling & happy & the wonder of a deeper enjoyment cannot be overstated. I didn’t have a PCE today, but even the degree of difference was stark and I noticed numerous changes in how I operated, in the sensitivity and intimacy I experienced, in the freedom I’ve felt.
I can see that in ‘my’ normal state I’m constantly cutting myself short, undercutting myself, it’s like I’m whipping myself every few seconds when ‘I’ step out of line, and then I become like a depressed animal… too scared to do anything at all, because of the reprisals I and others have given myself time and time again.
When this threat is lifted, suddenly there are options, I could go here or there, it doesn’t matter… I can laze away all Saturday, who cares… I can say anything to anyone, because they can’t ultimately hurt me… I could change my whole life and move elsewhere if I want to. It’s all just options.
Issues which previously have left me spiraling were seen through quite simply… they were things that I have no way of knowing about, or maybe just have limited experience in. Not something worth worrying about… just another way of comparing myself to someone else. So many other times I have felt glum about those situations, but those were all just bad feelings layered on bad feelings… there is no point to it other than suffering.
All this is so clear, and it’s laid out starkly when I compare to ‘my’ normal… which is by no means an especially bad time, in fact I’d say my baseline of late has been more free, relaxed, and happy than most people. Even there, the contrast is so marked. I’m reminded of @claudiu once describing progress toward becoming free as a ‘hockey stick’ graph, where there is gradual progress for a long time and then rapid changes and improvement… I have no way of knowing what I will feel tomorrow, but just experientially, the hockey stick is real. As you get into the higher reaches of enjoyment & appreciation, the type of experience is dramatically different. Again, I’m not even talking about PCEs here.
I don’t know if I’ll ever read this again. A few times I’ve told myself that I was leaving myself some kind of reminder, but I’ve got more than enough reminders. This is more just motivation for myself… even without considering freedom or the PCE, this shift in experiencing is worth putting whatever effort into. There really is no better thing to do that I can think of. It enhances everything. What use is grinding for normal goals when it will only ever be a grind? At least when I’m grinding on some investigation there’s the possibility for something magical to happen. Though, the irony of that is, from where I sit there’s no grind and it doesn’t make sense to even do that. But I can see that from certain positions of ‘self,’ that type of effort might be needed.
Fear really is the mind killer. Folks, I hate to say it, but we are all sick. The good news is, it’s possible to get better lol
It’s exciting to be in a position to be contributing to that discovery, of how to do that. Richard discovered it, but we’re each discovering it new for ourselves and each showing new angles of how it’s done. The more people that have experienced it and can describe it, the easier it gets for everyone else. There can be more confidence that it’s not just a dream, or that it’s not dangerous. It’s really funny actually, how debilitating it is to be a self… we stay there out of fear, but it’s the fear that’s causing all of the problems. The entire structure of ‘me,’ really.
Earlier I had a wonderful conversation with my Dad, it happened very spontaneously that I was just sitting near him - essentially a daily occurrence, but with the relaxed atmosphere it opened the door to the most intimate and sweet conversation… not something that I intended to do, in fact I felt myself starting to have trepidation many times, but I didn’t let it take over… everything felt different, I could see myself speaking differently, acting differently, and that it effected him too, he was at ease to talk about things we had never talked about before.
It’s so subtle but it changes everything
In the past when I’ve been here I’ve forgotten in some way or another, I think that’s ‘me’ getting swept back into my usual games. That’s where the reason to become free has to come from ‘me,’ because ‘I’ am controlling what this body does with its day and thoughts
What is that going to be for me? I’ve formulated it in the past with some success, but I think it might be more of an open-ended question type situation… I don’t know what it will be until maybe I see it in the rear-view mirror.
I can see that I’m so enjoying this little freedom… I’ve felt so helpless to my Dad’s energy at times, and I can see that’s not necessary. He has his own flavor, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with me… it doesn’t control me.
It’s time for me to sleep. Freedom allures.
7 Likes
I probably will 
This is great. I really appreciate the relaxed and patient tone of this, especially after a perhaps too intense day yesterday. NIce
1 Like
4 | 14 | 24
Just got back from a 2-night camping trip and had a couple of things come together.
The first has to do with sincerity. I woke up in the middle of the night with a terrible headache and had no painkillers with me (I’ll have to add that to my camping checklist!). Once I got past feeling bad about it and set about trying to figure out how to reduce it, I realized that that was sincerity: I didn’t want to have a headache, and I was earnestly setting about finding a way to take care of it. There was no part of me that wanted to continue having a headache, and I was engaging all the tools at my disposal to remove the problem with no delay.
I think that my actualism has frequently involved a bit of play-acting, basically I know on some level that it’s the thing to do, but I’ve also turned it into a bit of an image in terms of it being a ‘great accomplishment’ or a ‘good’ thing to do, rather than simply and obviously the best thing to do. The contrast with my attitude toward the headache was obvious. I can do some legwork to find a way to want to sincerely become free. Guess I’ve been otherwise occupied lol
The second one has to do with victim mentality.
As anyone that has read any of my journal entries over the last few years knows, my #1 favorite thing to worry about is girls. I’ve undertaken a wonderful investigation in that time and discovered many things, but the issue remains. The other big one for me has had to do with my involvement with work. So, I was spending my time camping doing some drugs and investigating those two issues. After a little while, I took a break from that investigation and went for a walk in the woods - there was a little wetlands across the lake from the cabin I was staying in, and I thought I’d take a closer look.
As I walked through the woods I was all too aware that this was bear country, and it was spring, and I was keeping an eye and ear out for any grumpy bear up & about. I begin to realize that I was a bit jumpy… a little nervous. And I realized that it wasn’t just the possiblity of a bear that was doing it… this was Henry. In a flash, it became clear that I felt no differently than I did 30 minutes prior in the cabin while I was thinking about girls and work, and indeed the same as innumerable times before when I’ve essentially felt like prey, ripe for the picking.
That is who ‘I’ have been - prey. This and that disappointing outcome from the past has left me feeling like a hapless victim of cruelties beyond my control, and all I could do is try to avoid pain while feeling completely helpless toward powers greater than my own. And in that moment, I realized that I had it all wrong.
My ancestors did not invent firearms and proceed to terrorize every member of the megafauna larger than a cockroach for 1000 years for me to be pussyfooting around in the woods like some rabbit, and similarly Richard did not invent the actualism method for me to be nervously going through life. In that moment, I did the most logical thing possible: I became a predator. I realized I was the baddest dude in the woods or anywhere else… basically picture a snarling tiger and you get the idea. 30 minutes of this and I realized I had just gone for the opposite (a mistake seemingly as old as humanity). I reflected that in our culture predators wind up either in prison or the CEO of a major corporation (often both), and I realized that what I needed was the third alternative.
I can’t guarantee that I get the things I want in life, but I can make certain that I no longer retreat to the (seeming) protected waters of victimhood. Upon reflection I can see that victims are very sneaky… by casting themselves as the poor victims, they can accuse others of being cruel uncaring meanies, and thus in the dichotomy they become good. The only price to pay is a lifetime spent feeling miserable. It seems humanity is split between those who embrace that attitude, and those who take the opposite tack.
That evening as I cast my memory backward, I could see certain inflection points where I felt threatened enough that I cast myself as the victim - I felt scared enough that I became that prey, and carried that memory forward until it became a matter of habit and eventually, character. With this in mind I doubt this will be the last I hear of it, but with “application and diligence and patience and perseverance,” I think I will succeed at removing this way of being. It just doesn’t make sense anymore.
Bonus: camping pics!
6 Likes
4 | 28 | 24
It no longer comes as a surprise to have an excellent day
Last night, had an experience of seeing actuality from within ‘me,’ and I recoiled. I can become free by no longer recoiling.
This is worth doing because from where ‘I’ am, I’m essentially saying that the world is something to recoil from. This means telling all others that the world is not safe, that we should retreat. I am spreading the fear that I consist of. I don’t want that for others, and I don’t want it for myself.
So: boldly going.
3 Likes
Maybe it is hiding under the rug for me too and I just haven’t had the right circumstances to bring that to the surface, I don’t know. Or passive aggressive sexuality…is that a thing?
I do tend to be quite submissive though. Most of partners have had a more dominant personality than me.
Nicely articulated.
I still have this desperate need for positive female attention and being married and in love never sated that. I would say a felicitous mood, EE and PCE seemed to negate that desperate need but its a very fast and reactive feedback loop that could often ruin my felicitous mood or EE, I haven’t had a PCE regularly enough to judge that.
I have been meaning to reply to this for ages and forgot so sorry if this is off topic lol.
Oh well it was only 9 months ago! 
It has been an insanely busy year, I swear you guys have way too much free time. 
This is definitely true for me, I have gone for the actualist hobo lifestyle, only a dog to look after and I only work from home until 1pm these days.
2 Likes
A few major washes of purity today
4 Likes
The last few weeks I’ve slowly been coalescing my various issues into a clear psychic picture, and this evening I was able to trace them out into this rather simple diagram:
It’s apparent that I equate social power with the opposite of death. Any loss of social/psychic power is experienced as sliding closer to death. This explains the desperation with which I chase the various status symbols. I was also able to determine that the head of the hydra for me was indeed power.
This put me at a bit of a crossroads as I can see that the part of me that is interested in actualism is a direct existential threat to ‘my’ power and thus to ‘Me’ itself.
As Peter describes with amusement:
"Therapy had been like fiddling with the parts, rearranging the furniture to suit the particular beliefs of the therapist. Here I was taking the whole package apart – stripping away and delving deeper than I ever had before.
It occurred to me that no wonder nearly everyone else who had come across Richard had run for the hills!"
This has been my experience as well: less than 1% of those who I have spoken with have expressed continued interest, and zero have become practicing actualists. Actualism is anathema to ‘my’ power - it is just too weird. It is inherently threatening to any ‘self.’ Unless there is a sufficiently strong pull toward freedom, that feeling of ‘threat’ wins over.
The crossroads is: do I continue to play power games, or do I commit to happiness/harmlessness, and thus to becoming free?
The upsides are fun, intimacy, and a demonstration of peace and enjoyment embodied in a flesh and blood body. It also means continuing to pursue what I know is possible.
The downside is not being able to count on affection from others.
–
It seems to me lately that the ‘power machine’ is a bit busted.
No one can become enlightened anymore. The general populous is rightly suspicious of anyone that looks like a cult leader, so anyone generating personal power via psychic energy is hamstrung. Pop stars don’t have the juice they used to, and the richest people in the world are either socially inept nerds or boys playing games with balls for entertainment. Politics have by and large become farce. The old great media organs are on their knees. With greater public scrutiny, the tastemakers of culture are falling at seemingly a weekly schedule. Everyone knows the influencers are tacky.
As John Lennon observed, there is nothing at the top.
With all this in mind, it’s increasingly apparent that there’s no winning that game.
‘I’ don’t even exist anyway.
4 Likes
7 | 26 | 24
I’ve found consistently that awareness of death coincides with a glimpse of the actual world for me
It punctures my worldview and undermines my interest in continuing any comfortable misery. It is the fact that undoes all of my fantasy-creations. It connects me to the sweetness of the changeable, physically-existing universe that everything, including this body, consists of.
When I do not recoil from that fact, there is no reason to recoil from any other experience either. Interactions with individuals end. Possessions become damaged and break. All experiences end, including my experiencing of the universe itself. This fact means that it is not to be missed.
‘I’ create fantasies because the instinctive being fears dissolution, but dissolution is what is coming, no matter how much I try to deny it. Every denial is a retreat further inward - more layers of hope, and of fear. Everything actual is hidden behind ‘my’ constructions. Because everyone is afraid of dissolution and always have been, most of these constructions are inherited and universal, varying only in fashion and local flavor.
No wonder the actual has remained hidden for so long! And yet it is always here, plain to see for those with the eyes to see it.
These reflections have been partially informed by reading the excellent ‘The Fantasy Bond’ by Robert Firestone, which goes into detail describing the role fantasy plays in selves. While reading, his descriptions rang major bells in how I have operated in my life and relationships.
3 Likes
8 | 6 | 24
Something interesting happening on the ‘Power’ front
There is power as in capability
And there is power as in ‘Energy.’
And somehow those two overlap. So I have been getting the first kind of power (practical capability) mixed up with the second (psychic power level).
And really it’s the second type - my belief in the second type - which has been causing all the problems.
Inasmuch as when I was getting what ‘I’ wanted I ascribed it to my personal Power, when I was not getting what ‘I’ wanted I had no choice but to similarly take it to mean that ‘My’ power levels were lackluster. As such, I became fearful, ‘small.’
But recognizing ‘Power’ as phantasmal, and contemplating power-as-capability, it is clear: of course I do not have unlimited power. No one does. There are things that are within my reach, and there are things that are not. It can be no other way.
It is for me to enjoy the things that are within that reach, as well as the many many multitudes that are beyond it. It is not necessary to ‘grow my power’ to be able to enjoy this glorious, sparkling world.
8 | 7 | 24
I find myself preparing for death…
Everyone is living in a shared delusion to defend against fear of death… their inability to face their actuality & demise leads to their lack of intimacy, which they then defensively blame themselves & others for. It is a great confusion fueled by fear, which becomes a defense of the measures we all use to insulate ‘ourselves’ from that fear.
Death is unavoidable, it is a fact of this universe’s operation… every other fact of the universe is irrevocably linked to that fact. In that sense, we all become avoidant of this universe; its very operation is a horror. An alternate reality takes its place, which then must be defended at all costs. Misery, depression, anxiety, and violence are all considered reasonable measures - even as their existence is decried.
The religions and spiritualists only take this to another level.
The fantasy avoids all intimacy, as it constructs an imagined projected image of an individual which is then loved. The only problem is that the actually-existing individual refuses to conform to the hopes… and one’s ability to be loving rapidly wears off… replaced by performative, controlling actions masquerading as love. In this mode, there is endless fodder for criticism of the other: they fail to wash the dishes quickly enough; they are careless with money; they drink too much; they do not care enough; they have the wrong diet; they do not love enough; they are too critical.
These criticisms are easy because often they are accurate - everyone is flawed, after all. But what is missed is that oneself has exited caring for the other, and is now wholly occupied with defending their fantasy. The criticism proceeds equally internally: I am too lazy; I do not have enough money; I am ugly; I am not confident enough - failing to recognize that I am an instinctive being born to suffer.
With care & consideration both of the other & oneself - an enjoyment of one’s life and an appreciation for the circumstances of life - this universe - an appreciation for oneself and one’s fellow beings - alive here & now, for the first time ever - in this precious moment, which has never happened before, and never will again in the same way - the fear is undercut - the fantasy is undercut - intimacy blooms - fun blooms - and the magicality of life-as-it-is becomes apparent.
We never truly cared for our fellow human beings, we only ever clung to a projection of hope within our twisted & fearful worldview. The repeated failures only drove us mad with pain & numb to life. The casualties were our own lives as sensitive, happy beings - as well as the possibility of genuinely seeing & caring about & for the others we cross paths with in this precious life.
I see ‘my’ death as imminent… how could ‘I’ continue as I was? How can I continue to shy away from this moment? How can I continue to shy away from the others around me? I know what is possible… a half-memory lives in me and demands action. This human typing these words is the end-product of untold generations of others, each working & writhing with themselves to make this world a better place, for themselves, for those around them, and for their future generations. Confused & confounded all, but gradually working to understand & experiment, with honesty & effort, to created a new way of living. I and so many others are the expression of that possibility as a feeling-being.
Where I currently sit, the bushes & trees outside my window are a luscious delight to me; those other humans I meet are just wonderful… they are confused, and so defensive… I know how it is to be that. I have no interest but to encourage them on their way. The insecurities that plagued me yesterday are now nothing but practical issues to solve. I have landed here at this precious moment, and have no complaints at all.
There is nothing left to do but watch & wait - tears of appreciation flow. It has always been this way, but I was busy elsewhere.
An organism does 2 things: organize, and orgasm - and the second is the more essential.
I seem to have entered virtual freedom.
I had 2 tabs of acid the other day (see above post) and since then any emotional response has been seen through immediately (like within 10 seconds) and I’m right back to light, loose, and with a sense of amusement that never leaves. At the same time, the caring element is definitely there - this purity & perfection is available to everyone, once they finish up with whatever serious business they are involved in.
A few issues have popped up which have previously given me trouble for years, most significantly being confronted with others who have a chip on their shoulder. However, as previously mentioned, these issues were seen through in seconds, done, kaput, and have not required additional effort for them to stay gone.
One of the most significant shifts that occurred was during the acid trip - I was watching the stars (camped out on a beach in the wilderness) and remembered Richard’s advice to ‘look at the space between the stars.’ I had previously imagined that this would result in being struck by the infinite depth of field, but hadn’t had good results. However, something completely different happened. A couple of things happened: first, I realized that the ‘space’ had plenty happening on its own. Visual artifacts swam & danced in the dark space (obviously aided by the acid), and made me extremely aware of the complex physical process whereby this body perceives light & color. Secondly, I was struck by a fine-tuned awareness not just of the shape of the 3 or 4 stars that I was gazing between, but of the entire night sky, simultaneously, in my awareness. This might require a bit more explanation.
A trick that I had learned from an art instructor was to look for the shapes of things when drawing, specifically the angles between things, as a way to get the proportions exactly right. There is something about our visual capacity that can perceive those angles with great accuracy. Extrapolating to several angles, as in a polygon, one can tell immediately if something is ‘off.’
In the context of the stars, I realized that by looking at the space rather than focusing on a particular star, I was able to resolve the night sky in startling fidelity. I have since replicated this effect with regularity, simply by looking ‘between’ whatever main objects of attention I normally would l would focus on.
Finally, it turbocharged my consciousness of any movement, and I was startled to find the sky was full of movement. The clouds were constantly moving… the stars themselves swam in an effect that I suspect was a ‘ripple’ in atmospheric pressure, but could have been an optical effect in my vision as well; and there were many, many, meteors. Many what I initially took to be satellites turned out to be meteors streaking toward earth, which resolved themselves in spectacular 3D until they exploded into smaller pieces that I could barely perceive.
I had numerous other experiences and contemplations throughout the night that I won’t go into in detail that contributed as well, but that one was the biggest ‘wow’ and what has propelled me toward an ongoing awareness of that ‘wow’ factor of the universe.
Since those experiences I have been seeing the world with greater depth and appreciation… my identity and all of our identities seem like this game that we continue to play despite all knowing that it isn’t ultimately genuine. I have no reason to continue, and thus every habitual thing that has come up has been resolving immediately.
I see my end as impending, all there is to do is continue as I am until the opportunity to become free presents itself.
3 Likes
10 | 13 | 24
I have been on a bit of an interesting wave since my last update from august.
My experiencing of what I took to be virtual freedom was sincere, but I soon found myself feeling jealous of what I perceived to be superior progress by @claudiu and @Kub933 . Fortunately I was able to smell something was off quickly and put my hands in my pockets and carried on. However, this undercurrent was still able to define me through to today.
I have had a lot of free time since the beginning of october as my seasonal job ended and I haven’t lined up / started the next thing. There was initially some anxiety but as I surveyed my situation I discovered that I had sufficient savings and was satisfied with my current plan. All that was left was to enjoy this month off. I had a few delightful days but it soon became clear that this undercurrent of discomfort was still there. That led me to today.
It’s quite clear to me at this point that I have no substantial reason not to enjoy this life / this moment. Anything that brings me down is a mirage, something I maintain only for myself and with no benefit. It’s just this habitual thing. On closer inspection, this jealousy was similarly a mirage… any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters: my own jealousy was the only thing creating whatever gap may exist. There is no reason to be jealous - if anything, it’s wonderful that my peers that I have been discussing actualism with for these years have been having the success that they have been enjoying. All that is left is for me to get out of my own way and join them - not to mention joining @Vineeto and the rest of the pioneers.
It is wonderful to put this to rest. I can see that jealousy of the same variety has been a part of ‘me’ for a very long time - I think I always had a feisty and jealous attitude toward my older siblings who I similarly perceived as ‘ahead’ of me in ways, or of my peers in my school years. Yes it is true that some others may have things I do not, but it is so needless to feel jealous/envious. It does nothing to improve my condition, as there is no ‘Big Dad in the Sky’ to give me what I want just because I wish I had it.
Plus it’s so much more fun to just jump in rather than sitting in a huff on the sidelines 
3 Likes
Henry: My experiencing of what I took to be virtual freedom was sincere, but I soon found myself feeling jealous of what I perceived to be superior progress by Claudiu and Kub933. Fortunately I was able to smell something was off quickly and put my hands in my pockets and carried on. However, this undercurrent was still able to define me through to today. […]
It’s quite clear to me at this point that I have no substantial reason not to enjoy this life / this moment. Anything that brings me down is a mirage, something I maintain only for myself and with no benefit. It’s just this habitual thing. On closer inspection, this jealousy was similarly a mirage… any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters: my own jealousy was the only thing creating whatever gap may exist. There is no reason to be jealous - if anything, it’s wonderful that my peers that I have been discussing actualism with for these years have been having the success that they have been enjoying. All that is left is for me to get out of my own way and join them - not to mention joining Vineeto and the rest of the pioneers.
It is wonderful to put this to rest. I can see that jealousy of the same variety has been a part of ‘me’ for a very long time […] (Journal de Henry - #898 by henryyyyyyyyyy)
Hi Henry,
It’s great you have discovered and can admit to what this ‘smelly’ undercurrent is – jealousy and competition are a strong emotional forces. As you said it has been a part of you for a very long time. So now that you identified the trigger which prevents you from fully enjoying and appreciating this moment, you can contemplate it in depth, recognize the pattern and make a conscious choice.
You can first ascertain the facts as far as the habit of comparison/ competition/ jealousy goes. You want to be actually free and someone has made better progress. The fact that it makes you feel jealous could mean that, deep down, you know you are not yet doing everything you can possibly do to achieve your goal.
Therefore, instead of feeling jealous, which is wasting a potent emotional energy, one can easily, with some awareness and common sense, turn this energy into the action of making tangible progress towards your aim. I remember ‘Vineeto’ used imitation, i.e. tried to learn from the successes ‘she’ identified in others at making progress in actualism and thus channelled ‘her’ own emotional energy into being productive, and, of course, added further confidence, enjoyment and appreciation.
You said – “any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters”.
If your own parameters are merely about “I am better than someone else” then those parameters are well worth looking at and worth reassessing.
If, however, your parameters are that you want to become actually free as soon as possible, then they naturally need to align with pure intent, and then the next action will become obvious to you.
Perhaps it’s a matter of realigning your aim and actions fully with pure intent and follow the guidance of pure intent?
In any case, sitting “on the sidelines” or rationalizing jealousy out of existence will not do the trick, and I congratulate you for somewhat recognizing that. As you say “Plus it’s so much more fun to just jump in rather than sitting in a huff on the sidelines”.
Cheers Vineeto
5 Likes
The fact that you have been able to identify, label and write about this jealousy means that you already have the bugger by the throat so that is great news.
Jealousy and competition are indeed interesting forces. Jealousy has it that something has been unfairly granted to another whilst you have been neglected. The competition that arises from jealousy is dirty in that it only seeks to ‘correct’ this initial ‘unfairness’.
But as @Vineeto wrote :
instead of feeling jealous, which is wasting a potent emotional energy, one can easily, with some awareness and common sense, turn this energy into the action of making tangible progress towards your aim
I remember about 2 weeks prior to stepping out from control I wrote to @claudiu - “man I’m gonna be nipping at your heels soon! 
”
This was exactly the use of that same energy of jealousy/competition and turning it into the felicitous and innocuous energy which propelled ‘me’ further towards the goal.
To allow this to happen you can expose the lie of jealousy and unfairness (which you have already started on) and see that the fact of me and @claudiu progressing only means that you can do the very same thing (do as opposed to be granted).
So yes how could you sit at the side lines when you know that another has done it, which means you can do it too.
Contemplating this - things will get very dicey for ‘me’ if @claudiu also proceeds towards actual freedom first haha. Although it seems at this point ‘I’ have got over ‘my’ inability to go first.
6 Likes
It reminds me when @Srinath announced he had become free. I immediately remembered the scene in Peter’s house boat where he and another visitor got into a heated argument about one of them wearing a Che Guevara shirt — when ostensibly we were all there to be happy and harmless and become free! I thought something like, “oh man no way that joker became free first!”
What I recognized though was that I was sorely lacking in doing the most I could do to progress — and that did indeed result in my stepping it up a notch as compared to before.
So it was just this, a productive use of that jealous/competitive energy. It is sensible to use all one can!
Cheers,
Claudiu
4 Likes