10 | 13 | 24
I have been on a bit of an interesting wave since my last update from august.
My experiencing of what I took to be virtual freedom was sincere, but I soon found myself feeling jealous of what I perceived to be superior progress by @claudiu and @Kub933 . Fortunately I was able to smell something was off quickly and put my hands in my pockets and carried on. However, this undercurrent was still able to define me through to today.
I have had a lot of free time since the beginning of october as my seasonal job ended and I haven’t lined up / started the next thing. There was initially some anxiety but as I surveyed my situation I discovered that I had sufficient savings and was satisfied with my current plan. All that was left was to enjoy this month off. I had a few delightful days but it soon became clear that this undercurrent of discomfort was still there. That led me to today.
It’s quite clear to me at this point that I have no substantial reason not to enjoy this life / this moment. Anything that brings me down is a mirage, something I maintain only for myself and with no benefit. It’s just this habitual thing. On closer inspection, this jealousy was similarly a mirage… any advantage of progress that Claudiu and Kuba may have was defined purely by my own parameters: my own jealousy was the only thing creating whatever gap may exist. There is no reason to be jealous - if anything, it’s wonderful that my peers that I have been discussing actualism with for these years have been having the success that they have been enjoying. All that is left is for me to get out of my own way and join them - not to mention joining @Vineeto and the rest of the pioneers.
It is wonderful to put this to rest. I can see that jealousy of the same variety has been a part of ‘me’ for a very long time - I think I always had a feisty and jealous attitude toward my older siblings who I similarly perceived as ‘ahead’ of me in ways, or of my peers in my school years. Yes it is true that some others may have things I do not, but it is so needless to feel jealous/envious. It does nothing to improve my condition, as there is no ‘Big Dad in the Sky’ to give me what I want just because I wish I had it.
Plus it’s so much more fun to just jump in rather than sitting in a huff on the sidelines 