(cont)
I had a little cough that I was trying to hold in in the cafe but it was a bit tortuous, eventually I realized it was best for me to leave. People aren’t super comfortable with coughing people these days.
Nothing bad in any of that. Now I’m back at work, where I can let out a cough every now and then with no harm done. That’s good for this body / that body. It’s nice to simply do what’s best. No need to hide.
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I have a persistent fear of people being mad at me which is worth chipping at for a bit.
If I’m sincerely being engaged with life and aiming to do what’s best for this body / every body, then it’s pretty silly for anyone to get mad at me.
And even with being an identity and doing silly things with frequency, their anger doesn’t help matters. It’s a force.
When I’m troubled by their anger, it has power over me. I’m verifying it.
I’ve had some luck lately with seeing anger as simply silly. Not helping at all. I say something or wait for them to chill. A lot of times when I do that people end up apologizing. When they’re given a few beats, they realize it’s silly too. Often they have a moral response against themselves. I can’t do anything about that, but either way often the anger doesn’t last long.
Someone that’s frequently angry is pretty unhappy. All that desire for control, and they’re pushing everyone away from them.
I don’t have to play by their rules. I don’t have to hang around. I certainly don’t have to be controlled by their desire for control. They aren’t right just because they are worked up. I don’t have to apologize. I don’t have to do anything. There is nothing that must be done.
It is a natural human emotion which I fully expect to occur at close-range many more times in my life. It would be very surprising if it didn’t. That is the state of humans on this earth.
Part of the deal. The actual world.
Will that be the obstacle that forever keeps me from releasing?
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Nothing shatters my love-fantasy quite like anger. She’s not supposed to be angry with me. It doesn’t follow the script. The script with anger is, ‘everything is all messed up.’ Obviously for ‘me,’ that’s reason to be upset, unhappy, discontent, depressed etc. etc.
Well, no longer.
The deal now is, ‘happy & harmless.’
She’s angry? That’s cool. Happy & harmless.
I’m alone? Ok. Happy & harmless.
People don’t want me around? They are disgusted by me? They reject me (& tell their friends!) chill. Happy & harmless is what I do.
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There’s still variation in my experiencing the last couple of days, but the overall tone is quite stark. Cold. It’s interesting, everything has a bit more ‘bite’ to it.
Right now it’s 6 degrees F here in Juneau (-15 C for all you commies out there ) and my tiny house has limited heat capabilities so it’s been cold inside. I was feeling lonely last night and the cold really complimented that feeling. I climbed into bed and was even cold in bed for awhile to really bring it home! Until I came to my senses and found a sleeping bag to put on top of my blankets.
There is something about the cold which brings out ‘lonely.’ I’d guess the heat of another body connects to that at a very deep level.
The perfect time to investigate!!!
It was very telling just in terms of, ‘what is best for this body.’ I’ve been a bit sick this week as well, and so my energy levels are very depleted, I’m not very motivated to do much of anything. Even playing video games often feels like too much effort. So my negative narratives will come in, ‘I’m so lazy’ ‘I never do anything’ ‘lonely,’ but literally the best thing for me to do is lie in bed in my cold house under a million blankets with a cough drop. And then once I’d had enough of lying in bed, I did get up and play video games for a bit and it was fun actually.
But not much of that matches with any narrative I have. It’s all based on girls. And that narrative means that ‘disgust,’ ‘rejection,’ ‘anger,’ are all very heavy for me.
No more. It’s all happy & harmless now. Stark vibes for a few weeks / months? Believe it or not, also happy & harmless.
I think I have been semi at loose ends of what to do with my free time lately. It has always been focused around friends & girls, but that is starting to tatter. I wonder what will happen. I’ve been playing some video games, but I can only do that so much. Watching movies or shows is very hit & miss. Last night I found myself narrating my own action (of doing ‘not much’) which had the effect of amusing me thoroughly and gave me a high awareness. I suppose technically I’m always doing something, I don’t have to be doing ‘SOMETHING.’ Like, I’m breathing right now. That’s something. It’s just identity that wants me to be doing something. Something I can report back as, ‘good.’
Really I’m reporting it back to myself, but it’s the same thing to report it back to the rest of the other ‘selves.’
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In my mind I’m running over and over again my own thoughts & actions, checking & re-checking for ‘good.’
I can see it happening in real-time right now
Like, it’s not enough to sit here peacefully. I also need to make sure I’m sitting here peacefully ‘correctly.’
Peace is here & now.
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Something consistent about wondering where my friends or partner are and feeling lonely
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Reading the simple actualism PCE page and it’s doing work for me, there’s something about magic/sweet/the actual that contains everything all at the same time. I guess everything that is is right now… Even if I’m remembering something, the remembering is happening right now. So everything is literally right now. It’s like I can perceive everything at the same time. Maybe that’s infinitude.
Everything is either experienced as now, or as a memory/fantasy (these two are functionally the same thing).
So I’m making a choice, do I live in memory/fantasy, or do I live actually here, where everything is happening? Where everything is. Where what is, is happening.
And it is magical…
The remembering-fantasizing is happening now, so I’m just making that choice to use my moment of experiencing on remembering-fantasizing. So it’s a pretty simple choice then, would I rather remember-fantasize, or actually be here (as in, ‘me’ is out of the picture/reduced)?
The key here is the emotional tone… the ‘being…’
The being wants to feel something about what’s ‘happening’ / has happened / ‘will happen.’
It’s so delusional…