@henryyyyyyyyyy (man those y’s! 
) I can see you going through a lot of investigational churn in your diaries. That is generally a good thing methinks. But one can get caught up in the details. Ultimately it is likely the ‘you’ that wants love will always be there, right up to the point of self-immolation. You may whittle it right down in an impressive manner and create a relatively happy and harmless ‘you’ in the end, but for the most part ‘you’ will still be there warts and all.
The good thing about investigation is that you start to get a sense of the ‘shape’ or the ‘flavour’ of ‘you’. Your own very brand of subjectivity with its idiosyncrasies, jealousies, fears, insecurities etc. As a feeling being I found that while it was good to steadily become happier and more harmless, it was even better to see all of me as a whole and to have an acceptance of ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. To do this I had to repeatedly go into purity, via PCE’s, EE’s or even near-EE’s. Purity will bring ‘being’ into relief, demarcate it and give you that acceptance. I don’t mean some deep self-love thing. Just an acknowledgement of the ground reality of your subjectivity, as ‘you’. Eventually you realise there is nothing much you can do about being. It just is what it is. It’s a T-rex that the actualist is forever trying to turn into a fluffy poodle. That’s when the next step will begin to appear into view.
So in summary: maybe investigate a little less, focus of seeing/feeling being as a whole and accepting it as what ‘you’ are, juxtapose purity and being. Let me know how you go. I’m curious to see if this changes things for you.