Journal de Henry

Journals
182

1|5|22

Claudiu’s post seems to have set me straight. I have indeed been existing in love, perfection does indeed have a significantly different character.

My jealousy is entirely predicated on love, because it is making the assumption that if my partner falls in love with someone else, that that is a desirable state and that I am ‘missing out.’

With no love as an essential ingredient, there is no ‘missing out.’

All the kissing, sex, staring into eachother’s eyes are just window-dressing for the love

While I was driving home I was getting small glimpses of the actual and it was immediately clear that all these things, ‘love,’ ‘relationship,’ whatever ‘approach to life,’ ‘philosophy,’ I have legitimately block the view to the actual.

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1|5|22

Richard on the ‘short-cut path’ to freedom:

the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless. (At worst … well, fill in your own nightmare/ your own screaming heebie-jeebies scenario).

…the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago had no precedent to assure ‘him’ it was possible yet ‘he’ was entirely confident – with the certainty pure consciousness experiences (PCE’s) confer that it be ‘his’ destiny to manumit the body ‘he’ held in bondage.

…

Thus ‘he’ never had any doubt – ‘he’ was freed of doubt by that very absence of choice – an actual freedom was possible, in ‘his’ lifetime, for this flesh and blood body. (Any doubt comes from choice; for most people choice implies freedom – the freedom to chose – yet as choice means options there is always doubt; an actual freedom comes about by there being no choice whatsoever … hence the word destiny).

I still have doubt… more confidence must be found.

–

Richard describes it as, ‘absence of choice.’

So, I can check off my various choice-objections.

What is one of my choices?

To give up on the whole freedom thing… I can see immediately that my interest is to go into love

And to go into ‘cool,’ ‘competent,’ ‘impressive’

Interesting

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1|7|22

Thinking about ‘cool’ today

It’s a felt experience

Excitement involved

Judgment of the other and myself in terms of value, ‘cooler than,’ ‘not as cool as’

Impressiveness, being someone that can do things that others can’t do

Based on relativity between people and ‘scarcity of coolness’

Not everyone can be cool… if they were, they wouldn’t be cool anymore

It is defined by the cool-uncool interplay

‘Uncool’ is insecure, anxious, timid, performative… incompetent…

‘Cool’ is the mirror of all those… self-sufficient, self-sustaining, having no problems… literally cool, calm, collected… and getting the girl in the end, of course.

That’s where a lot of my trouble has been… it’s not part of the ‘cool’ narrative for the girl to choose someone else.

It’s also not much to be ‘cool’ and for it to not be recognized by others… especially the other ‘cool’ ones. Aka the ones that I experience as cool.

This isn’t a very stable situation, it’s the same as with love. It’s not frequent for two people to experience eachother as cool, and it’s not likely to last either.

I’ve been a lonely ghost in my life looking for ‘cool enough’ people to associate with me, and alternately not feeling cool enough to hang, and feeling that those around me aren’t cool enough to hang.

What do I get from coolness?

Respect

noun
1.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

So it’s wanting to be admired. ‘Being’ admirable.

So it is connected to love.

Lovable.

The status of being connected to love.

Which means, I get to experience love.

This makes sense because it’s connected to rejection: if I’m cool, I’m respected, I’m admirable, I’m loved, there isn’t rejection.

So I’ve spent all this time trying to clean myself up / dress up in such a way that I can avoid rejection.

Because the felt moment of rejection is scary and I’ve seen that when the other rejects me, then I reject myself.

In the rejection of myself, I’m rejecting my own experiencing, which is a dissociation from experience. Which is… the pits.

As in, the abyss.

Enjoying + appreciating is the opposite… a full engagement with my own experience, enjoyment of my moment of experiencing, appreciation of everything that is happening just as-it-is-happening.

I will not reject myself. The others will not stop rejecting me, but there is no sting when I decline rejecting my own experience.

185

1|7|22

I’m always waiting to get outside verification that I’m ok, that I’m safe, that I’m loved, but the verification can’t happen to the degree that ‘I’ need it… ever. It’s forever not quite enough.

I’ve seen this before and it’s not quite been enough for me to drop it.

I do have the clearer comparison now that love doesn’t hold a candle to actual experiencing.

So, with cool still chasing an aspect of love, then it still is less than the actual experiencing… it is another identity in fact, which will forever keep the actual from becoming apparent.

‘I’ am still hanging onto cool, which means I’m still hanging onto desiring love from the other.

‘Cool’ is more general-universal than romantic love… it’s interesting that I was faster to release (most of) romantic love than I’m being to release the general love of ‘cool.’ It connects to more people.

This makes additional sense as it seems to me at this stage that my personal greatest motivation is a very wide-angled desire to do what is best for all humanity

So ‘cool’ is the love version of that.

Claudiu’s advice about making 3 categories of emotion (negative, positive, and felicitous) rather than just 2 (negative, positive) is useful for this. No longer do I need to be either ‘cool’ or ‘uncool,’ I can now be ‘cool,’ ‘uncool,’ or the third alternative, felicitous/happy/harmless.

It’s very obvious the harm that is done by ‘cool,’ as if I am cool then another must be uncool. This characteristic clearly comes from the love as it has the same logic: more love directed toward one implies less love directed to another.

By being happy-harmless-felicitous, I am essentially retiring from the game altogether.

The love is literally no longer preferable to me compared to actual experiencing - for me and for them.

By playing the ‘cool’ game, I am feeding a love-based narrative.

And there is so much delight here! So much peace! How could I give that up for the sake of, ‘cool’ - especially knowing the pernicious effects of love more intimately now.

Just another love-narrative.

I’m clearly experiencing any love as ‘zero-sum,’ if someone else is getting some then I’m not getting it

The same is extant with cool… when they are admired-respected-seen as cool, then it reduces my coolness.

Marching orders are simple: unhitch ‘cool,’ and direct all energy toward ‘happy-harmless-free’

186

I notice a clear pattern in friendship, the age old “best friend”.

One will be attractive, one less attractive.

One is “cooler”, the other “funny”.

It’s very rare to see two “besties” that are equally cool, attractive, funny, charismatic etc.

It’s the contrast that the cooler one wants. It’s the reflected glory the uncool wants.

In my opinion, there is nothing cooler than someone genuinely off the beaten track. Unknown, anonymous. In a realm of freedom that i can’t even imagine.

Actually free seems to fit the bill. :sweat_smile::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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187

@henryyyyyyyyyy (man those y’s! :grinning:) I can see you going through a lot of investigational churn in your diaries. That is generally a good thing methinks. But one can get caught up in the details. Ultimately it is likely the ‘you’ that wants love will always be there, right up to the point of self-immolation. You may whittle it right down in an impressive manner and create a relatively happy and harmless ‘you’ in the end, but for the most part ‘you’ will still be there warts and all.

The good thing about investigation is that you start to get a sense of the ‘shape’ or the ‘flavour’ of ‘you’. Your own very brand of subjectivity with its idiosyncrasies, jealousies, fears, insecurities etc. As a feeling being I found that while it was good to steadily become happier and more harmless, it was even better to see all of me as a whole and to have an acceptance of ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. To do this I had to repeatedly go into purity, via PCE’s, EE’s or even near-EE’s. Purity will bring ‘being’ into relief, demarcate it and give you that acceptance. I don’t mean some deep self-love thing. Just an acknowledgement of the ground reality of your subjectivity, as ‘you’. Eventually you realise there is nothing much you can do about being. It just is what it is. It’s a T-rex that the actualist is forever trying to turn into a fluffy poodle. That’s when the next step will begin to appear into view.

So in summary: maybe investigate a little less, focus of seeing/feeling being as a whole and accepting it as what ‘you’ are, juxtapose purity and being. Let me know how you go. I’m curious to see if this changes things for you.

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This is super useful for me too @Srinath it is exactly what has been going over in my head recently. This realisation that no matter how much I attempt to whittle myself down I will always be the same ‘me’ at the core, and it is only the experience of purity which seems to release me even if just temporarily from the burden of being.

Just like @henryyyyyyyyyy I have spent an enormous amount of time exploring all the corners of ‘me’ but it seems lately for me investigation is hitting the same dead end, it all leads back to the feeling being called me. I have been going back and forth contemplating how to reduce myself even further but it is becoming clearer that past a certain point this doesn’t seem to be effective, it only seems to create internal conflict, like you said I am trying to turn the T rex that is me into a fluffy poodle and I just won’t budge.

This is really exciting to read though so thanks for that great post :blush: Perhaps a slightly different approach is needed at this point.

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189

I hope we have some sort of archive for these posts @Srinath

Gold.

It reminded me of what I saw a month ago; how ‘we’ automatically overlay a pre-existing moral/religious/ethical code over actualism to create ‘actualism’.

The TRex must allow itself to become extinct. Only the comet/meteor of pure intent will make this possible, only the naivete of a willing self, that Iost corner, that forgotten kid, is “dumb” enough to be smart enough for that to hit home.

vive l’extinction

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Thank you Srinath, this had the effect of ‘waking me up’ somewhat and I’m adjusting my orientation. I can see that I’ve been leaning on investigation to the point of it becoming another crutch, and as you say there is no turning a t-rex into a poodle.

I also experienced this as quite unsettling, which I’m taking as nothing but a good sign.

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191

I realise I might have inadvertently set up ‘happy and harmless’ against the awareness of being here, so let me rephrase. Pursuing happiness and harmless moment to moment come what may is what what will gradually separate out purity (me as this body) from being (‘me’ as feeling being). Its not that we are trying to purify being (can’t because rotten to the core etc.) but trying to see being for what it is and distinguish me from ‘me’. Investigation will help to further demarcate being as a whole but it is an accessory tool rather than the main thing.

As one goes up the happy and harmless imitative ladder (feeling good, great, excellent, perfect) this difference between me and ‘me’ gets more pronounced. That’s why it is important to eventually get to frequent EE’s and ultimately PCE’s. They give you a very clear separation between me and ‘me’, which is much harder to discern when one is simply feeling good.

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1|10|22

A bit down atm, where is purity?

Interestingly this ‘down’ comes juxtaposed with a ‘high’ yesterday afternoon and remarkable clarity. I have noticed this juxtaposing as a pattern in the past as well.

The noticing is moving me closer to perfect

Tired, which is definitely effecting me

All more ‘me’

–

My upset earlier was because my partner decided to hang out with someone else tonight instead of me, and changed her mind at the last minute to do that

It could be because she has some aversions to me, she has told me that there are some things she’s been experiencing, which I really appreciated hearing and explains some other things.

Obviously I don’t know what happened tonight precisely but assuming my fears that it’s because of the aversion are correct, that’s still ok. It’s because she as human, just as I am human and everyone is human.

–

I can see right now that often my intellectual process has resulted in a ‘split,’ that I keep my investigations in a bubble of ‘intellectual’ to somewhat distance from ‘me,’ from life itself.

–

It has still helped me in that when I can shift my mood successfully, change happens.

I can be more direct than that now.

This is life, it is happening right now. These things are actually happening.

All these people really are running around the world experiencing all this suffering.

–

I’m still trying to make ‘partner yes’ work, probably out of a scarcity mindset

Because I am scared of rejection from other women still, so I anticipate that I will be rejected and that that is bad

And I’m scared of being alone / by myself

Her having a good time with others is a problem for me because of the above

And I assume that being around her will be a good time (“is a good idea”)

The situation definitely makes / has made me uncomfortable, unhappy, sad.

She has her humanity and in all likelihood won’t stop having it. The ball is in my court at this point.

The other guys also have their humanity and also likely won’t stop having it.

And right now I have my humanity, too. That’s what these feelings are.

It doesn’t matter if I feel that I can justify them to someone else, it still has the effect of making my evening miserable.

I also am aware that I’m effecting her with those emotions.

That means it’s likely that I’m ruining her evening, too.

I think part of why I’m hanging on is I know the seductive power of love, and I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t use love anymore

But love includes desire, and desire is what is leading to the ruining of the evening. So I’m also signing up for this to continue, when the lover continues. When I continue.

Love made me forget, for quite a bit of this evening, that I can have a good time by myself. I thought I needed her for that. I was taking for granted that this is worse.

And then I need her to do something, or there’s a problem. It’s a demand.

I can’t locate, ‘problem’ right now.

It’s there but it’s very thin

There are some things that I’d like, but anything that exists I can do something about. When it’s just a fantasy there’s nothing to do, it’s just yearning

Like just now my back was a bit uncomfortable so I changed how I was sitting

If I’m interested in someone I can ask them on a date

But a fantasy is just a dream. It doesn’t do anything useful. It generates suffering. It’s not anything that’s here.

It doesn’t have facticity. It doesn’t even tell me anything useful. If it’s something I can plan off of, that’s different. But a fantasy is a phantasm. It dissolves when I go toward it

Trying to arrange things that can’t be arranged

And then when it doesn’t work out how I dreamed, I get upset. It ruins my night

I don’t know a lot of stuff, I can’t tell how a lot of situations will play out. So I just chase the fantasies. It’s superstitious in nature.

I draw some thin association and then try to believe in it, try to chase it, but it’s not there. Maybe very occasionally it’s there by luck.

And I want it so badly that I’m willing to continue engaging in this haphazard process. Including the ‘night is ruined’ part. I’m willing to sacrifice innumerable evenings and days for that small chance that the fantasy will pan out how I want.

It really just doesn’t. Disappointments stack up. The feeling is soured. Resentment comes.

Looking for some past self that can handle this situation and finding no one.

I guess it’s just me, then. Ok.

1|12|21

What’s foremost for me? I can continue to benefit from thinking about jealousy & the larger insecurity there.

I definitely haven’t had an overall sense of enjoyment of my life. Everything has been married to, ‘need to get the girl.’

So when anything happens that doesn’t align with ‘getting the girl,’ its a major problem for me.

I have a stake.

I can do everything because it’s sensible rather than because of ‘being.’

It’s just a question of seeing it at this point.

Connecting to the sensate moment of apperceptive experiencing.

The perfection that is happening now.

“Everything is perfect, always has been, and always will be.”

That’s a lot of perfect. That’s a long time, ‘always.’

That’s a lot of past. That’s a whole foot-long subway sandwich.

I’m eternally at war with everyone else.

Trying to get mine.

“I am Good”

Peace is here.

I want peace more than I want anything else. That’s how self immolation is going to happen.

Actual peace. Nothing fake will do.

Perfection exists in the absence of me…

We actually roam the earth, I am actually sitting here.

The facts of the situation.

It’s a fact that the others experience aversion and desire and will inevitably experience both aversion and desire toward me. It is inherent to humans.

The possibility is there for me to cease ‘being.’ For my ‘being’ to cease completely.

What is ‘being’ doing?

Interrupting perfection. Making schemes. Taking offense. Fantasizing. Being fearful about things. Disliking. Rejecting. Loving. Desiring. A feeling of ‘falling.’

There is no abyss.

I create the abyss.

The falling is ‘me’ not liking something

Rejecting, trying to escape

What is there to escape from? This is all there is.

What need is there to escape? I am safe. Nothing can go wrong.

I’m telling the others that something bad is happening. When I believe that something is going wrong.

I’m making them afraid, too. They feel afraid just as I feel afraid.

I’m contributing to them feeling afraid. They’re all afraid on and on.

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1|14|21

Deleted reddit last night because I took a walk at the beach by myself yesterday and had a super-clear time, outside the influence of anyone else.

Thinking about Richard’s statement, ‘a naive enthusiasm to undo all the conditioning’ as well as the noticing that Vineeto and Peter became free in eachother’s company, and Richard became free after intensive time spent with Devika… it’s clear that solitude was a big part of his process as well.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time on my phone, previously it was instagram, twitter, reddit, facebook. Awhile ago I dropped facebook and twitter to a large degree, and a couple months ago I deleted the instagram app. With that deletion a large amount of my attention turned to actualism, as well as to reddit. It seems that in moments of negativity the mind seeks ‘something to do,’ and these apps serve as a ready answer - literally always within arm’s reach.

With solitude in mind, reddit got the ax last night as well.

Already this morning I’ve seen my awareness ‘look’ for the app… amusingly, the app ‘discord’ has a similar-looking logo as reddit had, and several times I have urged myself to click on it, to get that dopamine hit… but there is no reddit there. Nothing to click on. I’ve had a similar experience with the other apps listed above before.

Eventually I ran out of interest to my phone, and my interest turned to areas of my life that I have been avoidant of: financial concerns and the ongoing construction of my house. I can see that I’ve been fearful of them, that I have tried to sweep them under the rug in various subtle ways.

And to my delight, I found it quite simple, quite easy, to approach the task today. And all because I removed the temptation/time-suck* of reddit.

I don’t have a major issue with such platforms in the larger sense, but I have been increasing my interest/desire to become free lately, and so it only makes sense to remove obstacles to that. This is one such obstacle.

Interested to see what comes next!

*Something interesting about ‘time-suck,’ considering that time doesn’t exist… it’s always now… with that in mind, is ‘reddit’ really what I want to do with my only moment of being alive? No… it’s a cover for me being unhappy about some other stuff. I noticed when I was looking to open the app that it came instantaneously on the heels of a bad feeling… more to find there!

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(cont)

Just accomplished in less than an hour a house-wiring task that I’ve put off for about 2 months… a remarkable occurrence.

This is not just because of the reddit thing, it’s part of a long-gestating shift.

Primary involvements include my prioritization of relationship - in many ways the last 2 months have been about unlearning the primacy of loving my partner / girls in general.

Additionally, the larger purity-perfection becoming the dominant force gave me the sufficient comfort and confidence to delete a social media addiction and create the space to then approach this task which previously would send me into avoidance.

Also implicated in this is the shift from using investigation to approach everything, to a more hands-on / ‘beer’ based tactic since being pointed in that direction by Srinath

Happy to be here. The difference in ease is startling.

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Yes the difference in ease is exactly how I found it, glad you’ve found it the same!

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(Cont)

A bit of felt threat via a ‘rival in love.’

Is it a fact that attraction is a one-way street? That once she’s interested in someone else, it’s already over?

I don’t think so. If she engages with me, there is potential. Hm

Something I’ve been trying to judge lately has been, ‘how do I decide what is worth it?’

Maybe a good model is, ‘comparison.’

I could hang out with her, or I could have coffee alone. I could do my own solitary thing.

I could hang out with her, or I could hang out with someone else. If there is another option, then I have that option.

That’s where my fear of rejection comes into play: I have a mindset based on scarcity. I’m afraid that if I lose her, that I will have ‘nothing.’

That it will be ‘hard,’ ‘unlikely’ for something else to happen.

Are there people ‘out there’ who are interested in the same things as me, that want to ‘play tennis’ with me?

–

One area that I’m moving into right now is that intimacy is ‘happy to be here,’ ‘the correct thing is happening in my life,’ ‘no objections.’

I definitely have a gap between my current experiencing and that.

What objections do I have?

I keep thinking I need a girl… that’s definitely a Henry thing. I can use Srinath’s advice, to ‘accept my ground of being,’ here.

Yes. That is Henry. “I need a girl.”

And then there’s perfection.

No one playing tennis with me right now…

I’m just here by myself in my little house, typing away on the laptop while a lil’ Hazel English bumps in the background. ‘Love is Dead’ - how appropriate!

If a girl were here, things would be different than they are, but they are what they are so they’re not different than they are.

–

the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless.

Hm… Freed of doubt… absence of choice.

What does it take for me to have that?

More experience.
More comparison of the options.
More PCEs/EEs.

[cont.] every body is but a missed heart-beat or two away from death each and every day and then death is your constant companion; an ever-present reminder that to die without having ever lived fully – as in totally fulfilled, completely satisfied, utterly content – is such a waste of a life.

That brings into awareness the current-time importance of becoming free. How can I forever wait for the conditions to be perfect before I allow myself to be happy, to enjoy, to revel in existence? I have done that for so long already…

I will die one day… perhaps today…

So the line of connection right now consists of:

‘Rival’ exists (physically as another human, and energetically as a felt belief in me).

With the existence of ‘rival,’ I am apparently willing to feel fearful.

With the moment of fearfulness happening right now, I’m saying that “I will feel happy once the conditions change” (rival goes away / ceases existing).

However, I don’t really have a timeline on the rival going away… especially because plane tickets exist so my partner can always visit him lol

That means that whenever he (or whatever new rival) pops into my awareness, I will feel fearful.

So my current-time experiencing is: ‘fearful.’

–

Obviously ‘fearful’ is effecting other bodies, as well as this body.

‘Fearful’ creates situations where I act out of ‘fearful,’ impulsively attacking others completely unnecessarily.

–

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1|15|22

Waiting for stuff seems to bother me quite a bit… waiting for people

And I imagine that they’re having the best time and that’s why I’m having to wait. So I’m ‘locked out’ of the good time that they’re supposedly having.

That imagination bubble has been popped a few times lately so I don’t have to keep reflexively believing it

But I still have that tone, ‘waiting.’

‘Impatience’

irritability or restlessness.

Yep sounds about right

It’s a form of anger

Anger is because I’m not getting what I want, I think I can fight for it

Well… can I? Yes it’s an option, but it’s been played out. It doesn’t help me.

So for me, ‘waiting’ = ‘anger’

Ok so what does waiting look like with purity/perfection?

Someone else is not where they said they would be / not lined up with the plan. Something else is happening.

This is useful because just yesterday my dad was annoyed with me because I wasn’t doing a task on the timeline that he wanted.

A bunch of other things were happening in my life which led to me being unable to do the task according to the initial projected timeline

So then when I’m waiting for others it’s the same thing… whether they’re unable or internal psychic-mental reasons prevent them from the plan… it’s the same thing really…

I’m also limiting my options, I feel bad for calling / checking in on what’s going on. It feels like an interruption on my part

So those are the ingredients, ‘unable/don’t want to’ vs ‘interruption’

The funny thing with what I’m waiting for right now is, it’s something I’m putting together for them… it’s not even something I really want to do that much. I’m only doing it for them. And then I’m waiting for them and I project that they’re doing something they like and ignoring me… so really it’s a bid on my part for attention and love.

“If I do this thing for them that they’ll like, then they’ll like me”

And then they’re not doing the thing and I’m irritated.

Just another selfish aggression.

Also I’m afraid that others will be disappointed in me / think lesser of me for not following through on what I said I’d do, which is the same thing again from the other side: I’m afraid of their aggression-response.

None of it is operating from intelligence, I’m just fearfully responding from my emotions. From ‘me.’

The irritation is obviously coming from the fear-insecurity, too.

The actual world is lurking right there, too. Just out of reach of ‘me.’

Maybe more than ‘just’ out of reach. I can never have it, I have to leave.

I have to go!

For the actual to be apparent.

How can I live any longer without becoming free? It’s right there. Everything we’ve been looking for.

Here irritation, here the actual world.

Here fearful, here the actual.

The ‘experiencer.’

Me.

I just want to have the best time

What will it take for that to happen?

–

Was feeling really rotten and then I realized - that’s because I am rotten!

And the actual world is right there.

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“It’s not what I want…”

Something else is happening

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1|17|22

Srinath:

Pursuing happiness and harmless moment to moment come what may
…

Up to this point I have been ‘pursuing love moment to moment come what may’

So it’s time for something else to happen

I could see last night in a trance-state that the object of my desire is irrelevant, I replace that all the time and have replaced it many many times in the past. So it’s not about the specific person/object, it’s about that I’m desiring, I’m wanting love/protection.

And I’ve been chasing that and chasing that, via different objects, forever throughout my life.

And then there are these experiences, PCEs

And of course I do have a desire for peace, for fun. That’s part of ‘me.’

So the PCEs are the ultimate peace & fun

And that ‘me,’ the chasing of love-objects, is not peaceful or fun. It’s quite painful, it’s attached to all the suffering. It’s born out of the suffering.

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Could you clarify this? I’m unsure how solitude relates since you’re listing times when these people didn’t have solitude - they were in each other’s company.

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It might be better to say, "it’s also clear that solitude was a big part of his process.

Not the most smoothly constructed sentence.

This is primarily in reference to this period in Richard’s life, though there are other examples:

I went through a time I call my ‘puritan period’. I whittled my worldly possessions down to three sarongs, three shirts, a cooking pot and bowl, a knife and a spoon, a bank book and a pair of nail scissors. I possessed nothing else anywhere in the world and cut all family ties. During that period I was homeless, itinerant, celibate, vegan, (no spices; not even salt and pepper), no drugs (no tobacco, no alcohol; not even tea or coffee), no hair cut, no shaving, no washing other than a dip in a river or the ocean … in short: whatever I could eliminate from my life that was an encumbrance and an attachment, I had let go of.

edit:

I’m not finding it immediately right now but I think during this same period he also went to live on an island on his own for awhile