Journal de Henry

Journals
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It might be better to say, "it’s also clear that solitude was a big part of his process.

Not the most smoothly constructed sentence.

This is primarily in reference to this period in Richard’s life, though there are other examples:

I went through a time I call my ‘puritan period’. I whittled my worldly possessions down to three sarongs, three shirts, a cooking pot and bowl, a knife and a spoon, a bank book and a pair of nail scissors. I possessed nothing else anywhere in the world and cut all family ties. During that period I was homeless, itinerant, celibate, vegan, (no spices; not even salt and pepper), no drugs (no tobacco, no alcohol; not even tea or coffee), no hair cut, no shaving, no washing other than a dip in a river or the ocean … in short: whatever I could eliminate from my life that was an encumbrance and an attachment, I had let go of.

edit:

I’m not finding it immediately right now but I think during this same period he also went to live on an island on his own for awhile

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all good - it’s a journal after all

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1|30|22

Where the attraction-love element comes in is when I feel that I’m lacking something

I’m lacking ‘connection,’ I’m lacking sensuality-enjoyment in my life… I feel cut-off

And I try to bridge that gap with relationship… with acquisition, holding

Disappointed when I feel bad bc they feel bad

But they feel bad bc human

When they reject me

Choose someone else

Feel attraction/lust for them and not for me

These people doing these things actually exist

The passions, the responses, exist

It’s only a matter of time before any one person exhibits this or that human thing

Really they’re already doing them, all the time

Playing out this drama

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that was beautiful … thanks for sharing :slight_smile:

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3|1|22

I’ve spent the last week or so in some semi-dissociative state for reasons that are still unclear to me.

It became increasingly obvious over the last couple of days that that was happening, I was reminded that something that accompanies dissociation was unfocused vision, as well as that dissociation comes as a fear-response.

This gave me the beginnings of motivation to get out of the dissociation.

The next morning I resolved to continue to take whatever steps necessary to get clear of the dissociation, and I decided to go out into nature by myself, which has frequently been effective for feeling good. This was also partly inspired by @claudiu’s observation that in the past he had felt a ‘vibe drop-off’ when he was 20’ away from other people.

Just driving out to the location of my wander put me in a good mood. I pulled over on the way and saw some sea-lions doing something strange: one of them was holding its flipper in the air, and a group of others were swimming along with it, very slowly, some of them nuzzling the upheld flipper. I wondered if it was sick or dying, remembering that when a whale dies it will hold its flipper in the air. This continued for 10 or more minutes that I watched. I then climbed into my car and drove the rest of the way to my destination.

It wasn’t raining, which it has been almost incessantly for a month or so. Great relief in being able to walk outside without being wet.

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I decided to walk as far as I could on this trail, which I had never been to the end of. As I walked I could see my mood getting better and worse.

The trail ended, and I saw that I could continue walking if I climbed down a steep incline to the beach.

On the beach, I continued walking for a little while, but I was getting dissociated and tired. I realized I was hungry, so I stopped and ate some nuts I had brought with me, and drank water.

I continued walking, and experienced something very funny: I heard a growl, and was instantly transfixed, freezing: was there a wolf or bear in the woods, making its presence known? Not an unlikely thing in this part of the world. I decided to walk a different direction. I soon realized it was something else: my stomach grumbling, digesting the nuts I had eaten! I also found myself experiencing a bit of intestinal discomfort.

After a little more walking, I could see that I was almost out of water. I had been walking for several hours, and I knew I had better turn back or I would be very uncomfortably dehydrated later.

On my way back, I could see that my dissociation had returned. This was funny because the whole purpose of the walk had been to get back to feeling good. ‘I’ had brought ‘myself’ with me!

At this point I realized that I wasn’t on a timeline in my wandering… I could take however many more hours to return as I wanted to. So, I lay down on the beach. Fortuitously, the sun peeked out a bit. Laying down, I realized how much I had been in a ‘rush’ my whole hike: a sure sign of uncomfortable emotion happening. I resolved to figure out what it was I was experiencing.

My mind wandered to my partner, and I wondered what she was experiencing, I worried a little bit about some interaction we had had that morning. I worried that she was annoyed that I was out of cell reach - there is no reception on this hike, one of its many charms.

With the clarity of knowing that I had brought dissociation to this perfect beach environ, I resolved to not allow anything she did to make me feel any nervousness. Those days are over… I gave myself permission to cut any nervousness off immediately as soon as it arose. I have already done all the investigation necessary, it is now a simple decision to make.

With this decision, I immediately felt relief, and I was very struck by the simplicity and effectiveness of this approach.

I thought of all the other ‘pet issues’ I have been carrying around with me my whole life, and could see that I could use the same approach. They are simply no longer a valid reason to feel nervous or unhappy.

Some examples of these issues are money, friends, work, physical discomfort and aging.

As soon as I notice discomfort, I will cut it off. That is where I am.

I felt a little uncertainty that I would be able to ‘pull this off,’ but I could see that that was just an insecurity. It added nothing. I would continue to try this approach until I trained myself into it, or it showed that it didn’t make sense for some other reason.

I found that I was then free to simply experience the beach. My attention had no ‘direction,’ my eyes wandered across innumerable wondrous things, many of them entirely new to my experience, but I felt no need to lurk. I simply looked at them and then continued on, knowing that the next thing I would see would be interesting as well.

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My knee began to hurt, my back was sore, and I was thirsty, but I happily walked. When I got home, I drank water, ate, and collapsed into bed and slept for several hours. I woke up for a few hours in the middle of the night and then fell back asleep. I have a blister on my foot now, as well.

It’s very strange not having my whole life centered around my partner right now. I’m not sure what will happen next. I’m just cutting off fear when I see it.

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3|14|22

What’s next?

Clear aim to make everything a good option

That’s pretty wide open

Money seems to take a central role in these considerations, together with the work/laziness division.

Either way I’m making things better for myself by enjoying + appreciating

When I have more energy I can work more

That itself is an interesting consideration, what is energy?

A few times I’ve been surprised by when I just get up and do some work that I have quite a bit of energy

There has been the breathing aspect where I’ve been making considerable progress in feeling better

And I have that experience from the hot spring of discovering a well of energy that was blocked psychically

That’s what’s going on now, too. I think ‘work’ and I block it immediately. That’s why there’s not energy

So I go into laziness but that’s a circular thing

I’m only lazy because of the block

Fear of failure (?)

I think that with failure all the things I want will be denied me

But I can see that the fear is also blocking those things, on the energy level

I can’t date ‘x’ girl because when I’m in a negative mind, she’ll always deny me… or I’ll always match with others of negative mindset

I can’t make progress on projects because of the same fear of failure, I’m building up the stakes to where I’d rather do nothing than potentially fail

But the stakes themselves are empty. Even if I get what I want (eg, dating ‘x’ girl) there are downsides to that. Everything is a trade-off. That’s how I can see that ‘nothing can go wrong.’

Even in complete failure of all my projects, there’s freedom. Because it’s already failed, I don’t have to do anything. I’m free.

Similarly if I succeed at something, with the weight of taking care of whatever task, I am picking the fruits of that success. That’s what makes it worth it.

There’s nothing I can think of that I want, that there aren’t benefits of the opposite as well. So then when I chase something, it’s not such a big deal.

That, ‘it’s not such a big deal,’ is what transforms my whole energy from ‘tense, frozen, I cannot fail’ to ‘it doesn’t really matter,’ which is free, loose, light, carefree, happy etc

That’s why desire is inherently a mistake. Desire is, “I must have that.” There’s no opposite, or rather the opposite is considered completely horrible. That’s because it’s the void itself, fear itself. Desire only exists as counter-party to that.

Whereas the absence of any particular thing in the actual world is not a void, as no voids exist in actuality. Instead, there is something else which has its own upsides. Just as the ‘object of my desire’ always contained downsides, which I would later inevitably discover… in fact on my date the other day I could already immediately see those downsides. The desire persisted even with knowing that at some point the downsides would weigh more in my perception.

Similarly with my current partner I can immediately see the downsides the second I take my attention off the desire. Everything has downsides. So it doesn’t matter what I do.

This is a good thing, lol

Realized this morning that it’s the desire which makes me unattractive in a date, literally the second I perceive them as beautiful I’m already toast. I’ve placed them as an object of my desire, meaning that ‘not having them’ becomes unacceptable, because the alternative (to ‘me’) is the void.

She can perceive when this has happened because when I’m looking at beauty, around the edges of beauty are the void, fear. So my whole energy is already fucked by that point, I’m physically tense and begin acting out all these forced games to get something. It’s apparent especially psychically.

So the great benefit of recognizing the downsides, which have been there already all along and which I definitely was able to perceive very early on, is that it allows the void to evaporate because other things aren’t a void, they are other good options. Literally if my date gets up and walks away from me and starts talking to someone else, that’s ok. I can talk to someone else at the bar. I could go home. I could go for a drive or read a book or watch a movie, or whatever.

Similarly if my partner splits with me, I have a wide open world of options available.

It’s never been this light before in my life. Maybe sometimes before puberty.

The harder part at this moment is the work one. I still resent-fear that one.

Ok, if I’m homeless then there are upsides of that. And there are definitely downsides of working. And there are definitely downsides of being homeless. And definitely upsides of working.

There are upsides and downsides of any particular job. So I just put myself in the best situation I can and not worry about it too much because it can’t go wrong.

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The normal way out of this bind is to increase power. “If I’m more attractive, I won’t be denied by the beauty.”

Nope, the baseline moves. The same energetic game is happening. Seeing the whole picture, beyond beauty and ugliness, works much better.

“If I can manipulate them, I won’t be denied by the beauty.”

Nope. If you can manipulate them, the baseline moves. They aren’t attractive anymore.

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@henryyyyyyyyyy I have reread these posts a few times, i like them a lot.

I’ve know this as a frustration. But i have grown older and have started to accept being heterosexual as a fact. So the meaning i otherwise attributed to getting the girl, has less power over me. That’s also a matter of age and “emotional daaamage!”.

It takes bravery to actualise what you are writing, and i encourage you to do it. To enjoy without the desire. That would be an amazing thing.

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3|16|22

Brought out of a really nice few days in a ‘new space’ of freedom when a friend thought I was rejecting her / seeing her as disposable

I found myself pulled into her narrative, that I was letting her down by not hanging out with her, talking with her.

I reduced its power but still as I was attempting to fall asleep (~30 minutes ago) I could see that I was no longer in that free-mind that I had recently broken into. The contrast was clear

I realized that I was trying to investigate (while vainly attempting sleep) from the space of not feeling well/semi-neutral, and could see that I was just going in circles. So I made a greater effort to get to feeling good

Because of the near proximity of the recent (relative) freedom, I soon found myself ‘out of the woods’ and back in a space of ‘free rein’

By the way, I think it’s very underrated to connect with one’s own PCEs, and pick out whatever characteristics can be recalled and use that ‘flavor’ when looking for feeling good/imitating the actual

Once I was experiencing purity again, I re-looked at the issue with my friend, and found to my surprise that the entire thing looked completely different

I can see now that she is one person among many, 30,000 people in my town alone, and that she does not have any more right to my time than any other person

I had been thinking of it in terms of her narrative, and in terms of the standard ‘friendship’ narrative, when the actual is so much bigger than that

It’s so predictably human for everything to be indexed back to the social

While I was attempting investigation from the space of feeling neutral-bad, I kept trying to ‘figure out’ the social angle, trying to piece the people and archetypes together in different ways to figure out the ‘right way’ that I should ‘do it.’

The best case scenario in this would be for me to ‘make a realization,’ ‘figure it out’ and ‘charge ahead’ with my new strategy… only to run into the weeds in short order as my ‘new strategy’ showed its lameness (as in, hobbled).

Rather, in the actual world, there is so much happening beyond these social archetypes

Even now countless cells within my body are metabolizing food, oxygen, and water, creating the energy necessary to do all the countless activities going on within my body

Just outside my house there are trees growing incrementally, shuttling water up from the ground

The wind is blowing tonight, rushing tremendous quantities of oxygen from one place to another

And here I am, fixated on the social, thinking that I need to ‘solve it’ for my security

My fear has been of boredom if I don’t have friends

How could I be bored? With all this activity going on

That boredom only exists at the social layer

Further to that, in this new free space (over the last couple of days) I’ve noticed that people have been remarkably friendly to me, approaching me

So all my plans to ‘figure out’ the social layer are merely the desperate strategems of a trapped entity, trying to manipulate and control others so I’m not alone

And they never work very well, I end up with the same repetitive interactions trying to force something to happen which isn’t happening

I can see that this is ‘leaving humanity’

The taboo aspect arises for me with this particular issue

It is ‘wrong’ to not prioritize friends, to not prioritize people

And here my attention is going to the motion of all things!

It’s so wonderful!

And in that social belief-layer is only ever more hurt feelings, more failures of attempting love over and over again

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Cheers @henryyyyyyyyyy

Such useful instructions in how to actually feel good and investigate.

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3|17|22

[Respondent No. 6] I am beginning to understand pulling back/ turning away: it is like crossing a rubicon, an experience of it can be physically felt as an empty space/ throbbing right under the belly (the uterus contracting).
…

• [Richard]: A deep feeling of dread, the abject intuition of impending doom, is fraught with foreboding, be it a grim, dire, or awful presage, and this intensely apprehensive trepidation is symptomatic of the existential angst (the anguish of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’) which underpins all suffering.

As such an occasion of profound dread is an opportune moment to plumb the depths of ‘being’ itself (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) rather than avoidance through realisation of the portentous event as all manner of phantasmagoria can be manifested by such evasion.

With pure intent one can enable a movement into the existential angst, rather than despairingly grasping at doomsday straws, which movement facilitates the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself.

Such an active perspicacity in ‘my’ moment of reckoning will reveal that ‘presence’ itself feeds off ‘my’ fear – it is its very life-blood as it were – and this functional acuity brings an abrupt end to its nourishment.

Whereupon all-of-a-sudden one finds oneself on the other side of the wall (to keep with the ‘cornered’ analogy for now) with the hitherto unseeable doorway to freedom closing behind one and one is walking freely in this actual world where one has already always been living anyway.

All what happened was that upon ‘my’ exposure dissolution occurred and the Land of Lament sank without a trace.

Did my own experiment last night based on the above passage

Basically on-purpose looked for fear so I could check its association with ‘me’ - the felt presence

‘presence’ itself feeds off ‘my’ fear – it is its very life-blood as it were

That would indicate that where fear is stronger, ‘I’ am stronger

Where fear is weaker, ‘I’ am weaker

With PCE involving no ‘me’ at all

After running the experiment a few times I can say experientially that that is indeed what is happening

When this body & brain is at its apperceptive clearest, without fear, there is also hardly any/no ‘me’ perceived either

I had taken it so for granted, ‘me’

Of course ‘I’ am, I’m always there after all! Right?

Nope. Only when there is some tinge of fear

And then when fear mounts, ‘my’ concerns grow to take up all my attention, as well.

All the coddling and protection I’ve done of myself over the years has only been protecting the fear. It’s all because of fear

I’ve sometimes struggled to understand what Richard meant by ‘self,’ but it is literally me. The felt inner me. The one that’s always been there since birth. Without fear, it’s not there anymore

Without ‘me,’ the ‘inner world’ collapses and attention is left on what’s happening, i.e. collected directly by the senses

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This also means that ‘nipping it in the bud’ can just be whenever I see ‘myself,’ too

Going immediately into enjoying & appreciating what’s happening

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Fear is the ‘food’ of the entity (me) in the same way that physical food is for the body: the body is literally made up of the processed/re-purposed food

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3|26|22

The core of my upset is pretty simple: if ‘x’ pretty girl doesn’t like me, I’m unhappy.

So what I can ask is, is that silly or sensible?

By continuing to be miserable, I’m indicating that I value misery in those situations more highly than happiness.

‘I’ think there’s something romantic about being miserable… and I think that those girls will respond to my misery.

Sometimes they do in a pitying sort of way, but living in that space doesn’t really feel good for them.

That ‘doesn’t really feel good to them’ in time turns into a sort of disgust.

So, they are disgusted with me because of the mutual vibe we exist in

My misery leads to disgust.

That means it’s silly to be miserable, because it will lead to the disgust-moment happening.

It feels ‘wrong’ to be happy if I’ve been rejected for example, as if it were a denial of the ‘importance’ of the time we have spent together.

I’m supposed to grovel for a bit

I’m worried about being perceived as weird

Which worry is because, again, a fear of rejection

So, what is sensible?

To continue feeling unhappy? Because it is considered normal

My belief is that anything romantic should be all-consuming in its intensity

Considered a cruel playboy if not behaving that way

I can just not be cruel by genuinely considering the emotions of the other

I don’t have to feel bad to genuinely consider their emotions

—

General sense of disappointment in my life because living in Seattle didn’t pan out the way I’d hoped

I imagined that life would be handed to me on a platter

And money

Portland was something of a verification of this, in my mind, that I wouldn’t be able to ‘have what I wanted’

In girls, friends, money

I learned that the world worked in a different way than I thought it did

I still don’t really understand it, I just have this disillusionment

Ok, I’m disillusioned

That’s where ‘stark reality’ comes in

Twin fears of not being attractive to girls and of becoming homeless/being dominated by work

For me the second fear is interesting, it’s being dominated one way or another: either by stupefication from being homeless, or from being dominated and exhausted by an employer/work situation

Both have the image of, ‘hard’

“What if life is too hard for me?”

And

“What if I don’t do enough, and so I’m not attractive to girls?”

I imagine that it’s something ineffable in me that makes me attractive, and that if life is too hard for me, that I’ll lose it

Another way of saying, there’s too much of a mystery for me to ever understand it, but also paradoxically that I do understand exactly what I’m “supposed to do,” meanwhile I’m frozen in a different fear and unable to do what I’m “supposed to do”

There isn’t too much mystery. It is explicable.

Attraction comes in layers of ego and then soul.

People are attracted to the simplistic beliefs they hold about “what is attractive”

And they are attracted to the beautiful, whatever that is to them. There are things that the soul is attracted to. It all depends on the individual, but there are commonalities.

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And then there are all sorts of “attraction”.

I may be attracted to this woman because of their personality, but i am not attracted physically.

I may be attracted to this woman because of looks, but otherwise don’t enjoy their personality.

One of the fundamental tricks pushed blindly by social memes and beliefs is that these types of attraction are interchangeable.

They are not. Correct? Isn’t that obvious when pointing it out?

I will always be attracted differently to women. The idea that one type of attraction can make up for the other is all part of the delusional parade of romanticism.

Have you heard of the manosphere saying “she will never love you they way you want to be loved”?

It’s very true IMO.

The idea and situation that a woman is going to somehow “love” me into being “happy” is at very best, a temporary illusion that depends on fiercely believing anything but the evidence of the relationship itself.

Said without any angst or anger, because the reverse is also true. A man cannot, in anything but short spurts which depend on fierce delusion, “make a woman happy”.

There is a lot you are dealing with. So much.

Are you chatting with anyone here? Because it seems you are seeing a lot of very accurate and positive insights, i just wonder though if any will stick. (I have my boy scout badge for "years of things not sticking, but getting really well versed in “insights” :sunglasses:)

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That is a good insight, thank you.

Not really, just re-approaching an old issue with a bit more sincerity than before. I realized the other day that my way of investigation was flawed / spiritual-bypassy.

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I think it is the single hardest thing to get anywhere with, that the one’s we are attracted to cannot make us happy.

Or better put, the One we are looking for is the one looking. It’s the choice to feel good, no matter what. The worst of the “no matter what” is grasping directly that actualism will not “get us the One”.

It makes us the one. The one who finally chooses, to, no matter what, feel good.

I am the one I was looking for.

(Cue Lionel Richie :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:)

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I have some kind of ‘gap’ happening in my experiencing that I can see really clearly, and the last time I experienced that ‘gap’ closing was shortly before a big disillusionment a few years back. Though that may be a memory-trick, I’ve experienced that before.

I can say definitely that many PCEs have ended for me with “I know how to be attractive now!!!”

‘Me’ arrogating

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The gap is me, but I keep making it about love

I just can’t see it clearly yet. Hence the investigation