Ok so this post from Srinath popped up in my head today. I think this might have been around the time when I found a stable connection to pure intent and went through a period of almost accessing it on tap. I remember through a certain period I was having EE’s pretty much daily.
But since then the connection has been somewhat severed, and I have been going through very much what Srinarh describes as the ‘investigation churn’, trying to turn ‘being’ into a fluffy poodle and failing.
It’s like when I first got going with actualism I started exploring my identity and it was like this huge tree with branches reaching out in all directions. I explored and trimmed away one by one the majority of these branches. But even with all this whittling away there are certain core aspects of ‘me’ which have remained more or less untouched.
So it is interesting to read this post mentioning that there are certain idiosyncratic aspects of ‘me’ that might remain all the way until self immolation. I certainly notice that those core parts just won’t go, and it’s not for a lack of trying!
I am trying to continue whittling down something that just won’t budge any more, I guess those core aspects of ‘me’ are just too intertwined with ‘my’ very ‘being’.
It seems if I was to get rid of those whilst remaining a ‘self’ (and without a stable connection to pure intent), psychologically I would land in some messed up place.
What happens if I try anyways is that I seem to come across this never ending well of sorrow and malice that is ‘being’ itself. I can poke and prod it but all this accomplishes is setting off a storm of affect that gets me nowhere.
So again it’s interesting to consider this advice of seeing + accepting ‘myself’ as a totality and then juxtaposing this ‘being’ with purity. Actually this is exactly what I was doing back then with awesome results.
This brings me onto the next bit which is the limits of an in control virtual freedom. Just how much can be done via chipping away at the social identity? I am not in virtual freedom but even so it seems like at this point it is a waste of time to be doing any more chipping away.
I always had this belief that if I continued chipping away there would be a point at which there is only feeling good left, but it just doesn’t seem to play out that way, and instead it’s starting to feel like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole - Can I really turn the t-rex into a fluffy poodle?
Or will I just continue coming across the same core aspects that will not budge.
When I consider how Richard went about it he did not take this route at all, he had pure intent in bucketfuls which meant that bits of the identity could fall away as something far better was available.