Henry: Continuing the theme from Kuba’s and Claudiu ’s journals, I have been investigating my own motivations while continuing to allow pure intent ever-greater influence, with wonderful results.
It has recently become clear to me that my primary obstacle has been a lack of courage in the face of humanity, a fundamental fear of ‘what would happen to me’ if my true views were exposed. It’s now clear that that fear is of ‘me’ being exposed rather than doubt about the PCE or the actually free state, meaning that it is ultimately circular in nature (I am afraid because I am afraid).
Hi Henry,
This is an excellent observation. As you said, the top-layer of this being afraid of being afraid is habitual, therefore it is relatively easy with diligent attentiveness to notice its occurrence and decline each time.
Henry: Because of the nonsensical nature of this position, as well as the apparent ubiquity of same position amongst my fellow humans, I have experienced a surge in motivation to free myself and everyone from this condition, consequences be damned. This audacity is experiential and obvious in its contrast to my habitually flinching character. It isn’t only me that has been holding back and putting on airs; it is also my friends, my lovers, my family, and all those that I have looked up to, pursued, or imitated throughout my life.
The next layer is the emotional/ visceral fear of being afraid. Here a certain amount of audacity is required to allow yourself to feel the fear. You will notice, as feeling being ‘Vineeto’ did, that by allowing the feeling of fear to come to the surface (without dissociation), the fear itself diminished to the large degree. The reason is that fighting the fear is feeding it. By allowing the feeling you stop feeding it. Then the core layer of fear can be allowed to come to the surface without being overwhelming, and by being the feeling you can easily get back to feeling good and then ruminate, contemplate about its nature (for instance: the fear of what other people think about you when you do x, y or z).
Henry: I appreciate especially Vineeto ’s recent post describing the events of the ‘mutiny’ from ‘her’ perspective, as it gave me a healthy dose of naïveté and a reminder of the simplicity and clarity of freedom as contrasted with my complex and confused nature.
I am pleased to hear, Henry. It is mainly fear of appearing foolish in the eyes of others, and in one’s own eyes, which prevents one getting in contact with one’s naiveté, hidden-away-during-puberty, and it will open up a world of wonder and amazement, of adventurous excitement and curiosity in how ‘I’ operate. That’s when the actualism method really becomes fun.
Henry: I can no longer ignore the man behind the curtain. (link)
And why should you, be like a child again but with adult sensibilities.
Henry: I have recently found that a major insecurity for me has been perceiving myself as ineffectual. I work as a social worker, and have frequently felt that it is an extremely ineffective profession: the stated aims are the rather nebulous “help people,” which is then backed up with dubious or non-existent financial and social support. The profession is filled with the compassionate and ineffective, forever wringing their hands and bemoaning the suffering they see.
On reflection, it seems likely that I fell into this occupation via a willing tolerance for being ineffectual, indeed an implicit appetite for it as it gives me an easy ‘out:’ I have only to bemoan the state of ‘society,’ forever pointing the blame elsewhere as I paint myself as a virtuous exception to the rule. I no longer see myself this way.
These do-gooders and victims are just as much a part of society, just as much a reflection of humanity as those who flex their power to greedily vacuum up wealth and further influence. Further, anger directed toward them is already an in-built function of society; my YouTube algorithm is currently packed with such individuals self-righteously railing to no avail.
I can well relate to this tale. ‘Vineeto’ was trained as a social worker and found ‘herself’ over-educated and underqualified in practice, when ‘she’ worked as an addiction consultant after finishing ‘her’ university degree. The suffering coupled with cunning of the addicts bent on milking the system, which had no cure but only panacea, caused ‘Vineeto’ so much emotional stress that she had to quit after only two years.
‘She’ knew ‘she’ had no solution nor could ‘she’ see any on the horizon. Let me know if you find a way of becoming effective in your field of expertise. Remember –
Richard: Mr. Sigmund Freud’s (…) solution: A well-balanced personality is one that can juggle these conflicting demands in a compromise between social responsibility and personal gratification. His result: A troubled personality could, with analysis, be returned to normal. His definition of normal: ‘Common human unhappiness’. (Richard, List B, No. 20b, 25 Jul 1998).
Henry: In the end, the prescription is straightforward: to become effective. How could I respect myself otherwise? It is an insult to intelligence (to paraphrase Richard) to continue on attempting something with an obvious and long-running track-record of futility. To continue to be weak and wasteful with this one life is abhorrent, leaving me with nowhere to go but the place that scares me the most – intimacy & enjoyment of this moment of being alive. (link)
I wish you success in whatever field of endeavour you are choosing to be effective.
Cheers Vineeto