I have recently found that a major insecurity for me has been perceiving myself as ineffectual. I work as a social worker, and have frequently felt that it is an extremely ineffective profession: the stated aims are the rather nebulous “help people,” which is then backed up with dubious or nonexistent financial and social support. The profession is filled with the compassionate and ineffective, forever wringing their hands and bemoaning the suffering they see.
On reflection, it seems likely that I fell into this occupation via a willing tolerance for being ineffectual, indeed an implicit appetite for it as it gives me an easy ‘out:’ I have only to bemoan the state of ‘society,’ forever pointing the blame elsewhere as I paint myself as a virtuous exception to the rule. I no longer see myself this way.
These do-gooders and victims are just as much a part of society, just as much a reflection of humanity as those who flex their power to greedily vacuum up wealth and further influence. Further, anger directed toward them is already an in-built function of society; my YouTube algorithm is currently packed with such individuals self-righteously railing to no avail.
In the end, the prescription is straightforward: to become effective. How could I respect myself otherwise? It is an insult to intelligence (to paraphrase Richard) to continue on attempting something with an obvious and long-running track-record of futility. To continue to be weak and wasteful with this one life is abhorrent, leaving me with nowhere to go but the place that scares me the most - intimacy & enjoyment of this moment of being alive.