Ian's Journal

[edzd]

@Vineeto

because it is dynamic and not static like a PCE

Is it considered dynamic because there are still dips in affect?

@Vineeto

From here you can look closer at what possible objections there might be for ‘you’ to abdicating the throne, and whatever else prevents you from allowing the final transition to happen.

Is it because these objections are present as presence in the excellence experience? Thus preventing the PCE but a presence to reflect upon & explore?

Feeling-being Vineeto must have been feeling good before her immolation, but can you recall the dirtiness that you were still dealing with at the time? Might you be able to recall any objections or worries you had moments before becoming free? Hours before? Days before? [I blew the last remaining cobwebs of seriousness, cautiousness and social correctness out of the corners of my psyche. - were there any beliefs behind the seriousness, cautiousness, and social correctness you can recall?]

And did this out-from-control excellence experience (?) cease being excellent during the mutiny - which seemed to cause alarm for feeling-being Vineeto? Did the out-from-control experience lose its excellence during this time and was it just a matter of ‘coming-down’ from the initial high of the alarm? Was there any contemplation going on, conflict between staying or going?

[Ian]

So more success with feelings as habit. I woke up with very painful muscle and referred neck and head pain. There was actual pain and then my emotional response pain. The emotiknal response was anger at the universe for giving ne this pain… classic why me! Recognising this as a habit immediately relieved that. The phsycial pain still is painful but I am still feeling good. And i didnt have to delve into investigation, wrestle with myself, justify or pressure myself. Just seeing it as a habit was enough. Yay.

[Vineeto]

Vineeto: because it is dynamic and not static like a PCE
Ed: Is it considered dynamic because there are still dips in affect?

No, it’s because one is moving closer and closer to one’s final goal.

Vineeto: From here you can look closer at what possible objections there might be for ‘you’ to abdicating the throne, and whatever else prevents you from allowing the final transition to happen.
Ed: Is it because these objections are present as presence in the excellence experience? Thus preventing the PCE but a presence to reflect upon & explore?

No, they are not “present as presence”, they simply can make themselves felt unlike in a PCE where ‘I’ am in abeyance.

Ed: Feeling-being Vineeto must have been feeling good before her immolation, but can you recall the dirtiness that you were still dealing with at the time? Might you be able to recall any objections or worries you had moments before becoming free? Hours before? Days before? [I blew the last remaining cobwebs of seriousness, cautiousness and social correctness out of the corners of my psyche. – were there any beliefs behind the seriousness, cautiousness, and social correctness you can recall?]

You can read more details in my answers in the Direct Route correspondence, where I recorded the events at the time. All I remember now is what has been written on the AFT website. ‘Her’ emotional memories (“the dirtiness”) have disappeared along with ‘her’ identity. Besides, everyone has their own sequence of dismantling their social identity and remnant obstacles to becoming free. Viz.:

Richard: Of course, the situation and circumstances (cutting down long grass in an abandoned cow-paddock preparatory to planting trees) were peculiar to me and my context at that time and had I been some other person in some other context I could very well have been washing the dishes, for example, or riding a bicycle.
And had I been some other person in some other context the salutary realisation would have been different too … meaning that only the particular person can know what they must do – and they will not know what that is until it happens – and when they do know what to do it will be too late to stop the happening.
Hence all the procrastination – it means the end of ‘me’ – because it can, and will, happen just here right now. (Richard, AF List, No. 94a, 30 Dec 2005)

Ed: And did this out-from-control excellence experience (?) cease being excellent during the mutiny – which seemed to cause alarm for feeling-being Vineeto? Did the out-from-control experience lose its excellence during this time and was it just a matter of ‘coming-down’ from the initial high of the alarm? Was there any contemplation going on, conflict between staying or going? (link)

You are probably referring to this –

Vineeto to [List D, No. 4]: “In the early morning of December 29, 2009, feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ was overtaken by a panic attack, which convinced ‘her’ that, although everything written on the website was coherent, correct and a valid description of the actual world as ‘she’ had experienced it in ‘her’ own PCEs, seeing Richard to be insane who needed to be feared and avoided. (The reason why Peter wasn’t infected was because he had seen it all before when this happened to Devika/Irene).
This second panic only lasted for 3 days but because it happened during the out-from-control virtual freedom it turned into an out-of-control panic mode. Only ‘her’ decade-long training in keeping ‘her’ hands in ‘her’ pockets and neither repress nor express the intense feelings racing through ‘her’ allowed the extreme situation to subside so soon afterwards … and look where I am today.”

The explanation for it can be found in the first third of that message I wrote to [List D, No. 4] on January 7 2013 and it is self-explanatory –

Vineeto: Now I know, from personal experience, what the underlying cause is for [No. 4’s] whole elaborate international campaign. First let me present it in his own words –

Epitaph
[No. 4]: ‘The principal ‘mutineers’ were Pamela and Vineeto, both of whom are now actually free.
They were experiencing something that seems to be almost mandatory at some point[1] on the road to actual freedom: seeing Richard as a dangerous lunatic.
Welcome aboard
Cheers, [No. 4.]
[1] or, in my case, many such instances.’ (Message 9229, 5.3.2010) [emphases added]

It appears that this “almost mandatory” experiencing is no longer “mandatory” because several people have become actually free since 2009/2010 and none of them reported a significant fear of insanity.

Ha, can you see how it becomes easier and easier for each subsequent pioneer?

Cheers Vineeto

[Ian]

Resentment, no matter how earnestly felt, only increases personal suffering. It is self punishing. It’s an option, but it is unpleasant. While there is resentment there is no happiness. It is the opposite of what it hopes to bring about.

[Ian]

More on the seeing of resentment/injustice/unfairness/unhappiness/rejection/confusion/desperation

So a large part of my identity has been someone who has been ‘injustly treated’ - one with that chip on their shoulder - except for me it was not so much on the shoulder as an assimilated way of being that was so old (being from primary school times) that I wasn’t fully aware of it being the lurker behind my way of living, thinking, behaving.

It seems to have been becoming clearer and more recognisable over the last few weeks and now I reckon I’ve seen the way to let it atrophy.

Yesterday I went for a walk and was wondering what was preventing me to enjoy more than I was. There were no adverse conditions - lovely sunny day, plenty of time, out in a lovely bush walk area. I was bumping up against a ceiling of my ability to enjoy and appreciate that wasn’t there last time, so I had to stop and pay more attention to what was going on. I came upon an old sense of sadness. It was not acute but still clouding my experience, quite a lot like a light overcast cloud actually. I realised this was what I referred to in the first paragraph. An on going feeling of sadness from a series of social rejections that shaped me, and that it was a core part of my full personality, a foundational perspective. Luckily I as of the right mind where I could see how silly it was to hold on to a broader emotional mood as a way of being, and it dissipated as if I just stopped holding it. I realised how weird it was that I could ‘hold on’ to a mood and for years! as if it was a real thing instead of just a story I kept at heart. Thinking about it now it reminds me of the description of a belief as emotion backed thought.

While continuing the walk it was funny to see that all this time I could just let go of this thing of being this way, and how peculiar it was that from what I could tell, many people live this way - live according to a held belief/mood that then described their identity and motivation toward life. The feeling of injustice, the unfairness, the rejection and resentment - all achieving nothing more than self serving suffering. A reason to feel important.

Very silly to live this way.

To be able to see the silliness required willingness to change myself/be changed by facts combined with the recognition that emotions and moods are merely habitual, that I am not necessary for anything to continue happening, that the actual world exists, and a desire to increase my enjoyment of being alive.

And it was discovered by being purposefully attentive to the subtleties of how I was experiencing the moment of being alive - funny that

[Ian]

One of the things that has changed as a result is my attitude to tidying/cleaning. Instead of grudgingly doing them and often not bothering or procrastinating, out of the resentment that life was ‘full of annoying shitty tasks that I wish I didn’t have to do but I know I have to do them’, now I can clearly see that things are where I left them, that they won’t move themselves and that it’s much more sensible to follow through on those tasks and things will stay more easily accessible and readily usable. I noticed that I was looking at laundry that is now dry and needs folding and feeling a little bit excited with the kind of thought that it will be a fun task to do, instead of just being another thing to get out the way so I can go back to relaxing (or more precisely attending to my wounded perspective on life haha). Common sense starting to peek through the veil.

[Ian]

I’m realising how powerful it is to know that nothing can affect my mood outside of me going along with the habitual idea that things must affect me - and that I don’t have to feel a certain way because it is the expected norm. I am loosening the reigns on my social conformity regarding (what I believe is) the correct way to feel.

[Ian]

It’s really weird stuff to be a feeling being. I was just playing with the feelings around knowing I am going to die, bringing death from the distant future to a year from now, then a month, then next week, then today, then this next minute, then imminently and each mental shift changed my perspective on what is important. How precious this moment is. It’s the only thing of true value.

[Ian]

Getting how living in peace and harmony is a great goal and also a fun and intimate way to live, also I’m willing to die right now, and everything is perfect even if no one knew I was going. And thats all that needs to happen. Its so wonderful to get to this point, just relaxing into it, the feeling of peace and letting go and that anywhere would be just as perfect…because nothing matters any more except the appreciation of everything is immense.

[Vineeto]

Ian: More on the seeing of resentment/ injustice/ unfairness/ unhappiness/ rejection/ confusion/ desperation.
So a large part of my identity has been someone who has been ‘injustly treated’ – one with that chip on their shoulder – except for me it was not so much on the shoulder as an assimilated way of being that was so old (being from primary school times) that I wasn’t fully aware of it being the lurker behind my way of living, thinking, behaving.
It seems to have been becoming clearer and more recognisable over the last few weeks and now I reckon I’ve seen the way to let it atrophy.
Yesterday I went for a walk and was wondering what was preventing me to enjoy more than I was. There were no adverse conditions – lovely sunny day, plenty of time, out in a lovely bush walk area. I was bumping up against a ceiling of my ability to enjoy and appreciate that wasn’t there last time, so I had to stop and pay more attention to what was going on. I came upon an old sense of sadness. It was not acute but still clouding my experience, quite a lot like a light overcast cloud actually. I realised this was what I referred to in the first paragraph. An on going feeling of sadness from a series of social rejections that shaped me, and that it was a core part of my full personality, a foundational perspective. Luckily I as of the right mind where I could see how silly it was to hold on to a broader emotional mood as a way of being, and it dissipated as if I just stopped holding it. I realised how weird it was that I could ‘hold on’ to a mood and for years! as if it was a real thing instead of just a story I kept at heart. Thinking about it now it reminds me of the description of a belief as emotion backed thought.
While continuing the walk it was funny to see that all this time I could just let go of this thing of being this way, and how peculiar it was that from what I could tell, many people live this way – live according to a held belief/mood that then described their identity and motivation toward life. The feeling of injustice, the unfairness, the rejection and resentment – all achieving nothing more than self serving suffering. A reason to feel important.
Very silly to live this way.
To be able to see the silliness required willingness to change myself/be changed by facts combined with the recognition that emotions and moods are merely habitual, that I am not necessary for anything to continue happening, that the actual world exists, and a desire to increase my enjoyment of being alive.

Hi @Ian,

You are in fine form today, including your follow-up posts. A very enjoyable read.

You have indeed laid bare the whole structure of resentment and why so many people decide to hold onto it and more so, so many people don’t even recognize it as the underlying attitude which shapes their lives and obstructs their “ability to enjoy and appreciate”. And not only have you laid it bare but described it in so much detail how to allow it to atrophy that whoever wants to can do the same.

When feeling being Richard embarked on his adventure to live the perfection of his four-hour PCE for the rest of his life, he had little difficulty in recognizing and giving up resentment, hence it is not even mentioned in the description of the actualism method, and a lot of people overlooked how vital it is to tackle resentment in order to successfully enjoy and appreciate being alive –

• Richard: ‘Speaking personally, the first thing I did in 1981 was to put an end to anger once and for all … then I was freed enough to live in virtual freedom. It took me about three weeks and I have never experienced anger since then. The first step was to say ‘YES’ to being here on earth, for I located and identified that basic resentment that all people that I have spoken to have. To wit: ‘I didn’t ask to be born!’ This is why remembering a PCE is so important for success for it shows one, first hand, that freedom is already always here … now. With the memory of that crystal-clear perfection held firmly in mind … that basic resentment goes. Then it is a relatively easy task to eliminate anger forever. (Richard, AF List, Irene, 11 Oct 1998)

He did however write about how in order to renounce resentment it is also necessary to do away with gratitude, because they are two sides of the same coin –

• Richard: Renouncing resentment obviates the need to apply the commonly accepted antidote: gratitude. Gratitude is one of the many ploys designed, by those who expound on the merits of self-imposed suffering, to keep one in servile ignominy and creeping despair. As strange as it may initially seem, gratitude has the same deleterious effect upon one’s well-being as the resentment it seeks to reform. When gratitude is realised as being the panacea that it is, one will gladly renounce it along with the resentment it promises to replace. To successfully dispense with the despised resentment, its companion emotion, the extolled gratitude, must also go. It is a popular misconception that one can do away with a ‘bad’ emotion whilst hanging on to the ‘good’ one. In actualism the third alternative always applies. Good and Bad, Right and Wrong, Virtue and Sin, Hope and Despair, Gratitude and Resentment, and so on, all disappear in the perfection of purity. (Library, Topics, Hope)

Ian: And it was discovered by being purposefully attentive to the subtleties of how I was experiencing the moment of being alive – funny that.

Brilliant.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

@Ian

I realised how weird it was that I could ‘hold on’ to a mood and for years! as if it was a real thing instead of just a story I kept at heart. Thinking about it now it reminds me of the description of a belief as emotion backed thought

This is awesome! It made me think back to the conversation recently in @Felix’s diary about feelings becoming (seemingly concrete) ‘states’. How is it that a passing feeling of sadness can solidify itself into a depression and remain so for years.
Interesting that once these ‘states’ develop they will become somewhat of a “self fulfilling prophecy” in that ‘I’ will eventually believe that it is something completely outside of ‘my’ influence. This may be backed up by the fact that those ‘states’ begin to cause physical symptoms.

Not only have ‘I’ felt this way as long as ‘I’ can remember but ‘I’ seem to feel this way no matter what ‘I’ do, then furthermore the body itself begins to experience the outcomes of this prolonged feeling. ‘I’ become a victim to this thing that is now experienced to be outside of ‘me’, cunningly projected ‘out there’ into the ‘physical world’, the end product being that ‘you can’t change human nature’, that ‘life is a vale of tears’ etc.

It is interesting that the beliefs I mentioned in @roy’s journal can cement this thing even further, by believing that it is our “faulty brain” that is the cause of this ‘state’ ‘I’ end up completely hiding ‘my’ involvement and unfortunately by doing so ‘I’ also throw away the possibility for change. Then only ‘change’ can involve trying to escape from this painful cell that has been created, into delusion as per spirituality or the more everyday addictions and self destructive behaviours.

As I wrote to @Felix :

It seems to me that these ‘states’ are basically the end products of a completely failed system of dealing with one’s emotions. One is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And you have demonstrated the method that works! Which is 180 degrees opposite to the above approaches, because it is not about forgetting ‘my’ involvement and eventually projecting it into ‘something else out there’. No it is in the other direction, into seeing that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’, in doing so this whole mess described above is progressively cut through until ‘you’ arrive at the seeing that :

@Ian

I realised how weird it was that I could ‘hold on’ to a mood and for years! as if it was a real thing instead of just a story I kept at heart

That is so awesome, so there was a feeling but due to ‘my’ need to define and delineate ‘myself’ ‘I’ eventually turned this into a belief system - “‘I’ am the kind of person that…”. Those beliefs then held the feeling in place and would continue to do so unless the whole play is exposed for what it is.

How incredible, I wonder if something similar happens at ‘my’ complete dissolution, there are all these pins that keep ‘me’ in place, I wonder if at the moment of ‘self’-immolation it is all seen to collapse due to never having had any genuine structure to begin with other than ‘my’ belief. That ‘I’ only sustained ‘my’ painful existence due to ‘my’ belief.

[jamesjjoo]

Kub: “How incredible, I wonder if something similar happens at ‘my’ complete dissolution, there are all these pins that keep ‘me’ in place, I wonder if at the moment of ‘self’-immolation it is all seen to collapse due to never having had any genuine structure to begin with other than ‘my’ belief. That ‘I’ only sustained ‘my’ painful existence due to ‘my’ belief.”
James: @Kub933 This last paragraph you wrote above wowed me as if I realized that ‘my’ whole identity is one big belief system and w/o that I would be actually free.

[Ian]

Rad, so much to digest!

I think I am making progress into how to feel out beliefs now.

Emotion backed thought; The idea + the feeling dimension.

Like the belief in hierarchy - all the reified notions of rank, higher and lower, power and subservience, as a concept + the literal feeling of being higher or lower or somewhere in the middle, or withdrawing or exerting, elements of fear, glee, compassion. Maybe I can see it more clearly because I don’t feel the resentment I would normally feel from being under the power of another.

And there is a felt anchoring point, where the belief is tied together to form an aspect of me, like a line of code that interprets reality and outputs feeling driven behaviour.

Part of the illusion is the feeling that there is a tie or anchor or root or a binding structure that keeps it there. That’s the mark of good training, that it holds in place. Frightened and beholden to another.

But as with the resentment, I am just holding on to being that feeling, I was going to say initial feeling, but it is actually the current feeling. And the deep sigh of relief as is let go, amazing that to become free of these things, wonderful wonderful wonderful. That’s what freedom is. No longer bound.

Being that feeling. As in a feeling being. I am being that feeling and that is what shapes me into the particular feeling being that I am. Wowwww

[Kub933]

Wow indeed, contemplating your post has put ‘me’ in dangerous territory, dangerous for ‘me’.

@Ian

Part of the illusion is the feeling that there is a tie or anchor or root or a binding structure that keeps it there

‘I’ anchor ‘myself’, there is actually nothing substantial anchoring ‘me’ other than ‘myself’. This pin that keeps ‘me’ in place can be pulled out so that ‘I’ unravel. It seems such a little thing to do and yet the implications are scary.

Scary not in the sense that there is any genuine danger but rather because of the magnitude of the shift, of the fact that all of ‘me’ disappears, and then there is nothing but that magical perfection and purity welling up in all directions.

It’s like am I ready to be this very magical perfection and purity experiencing itself as a flesh and blood body, that is rather extreme! Not that it makes ‘me’ stop in ‘my’ tracks, in fact ‘I’ know this is exactly where ‘I’ am to proceed. But apprehending oblivion and also the magnitude of what lies after ‘my’ annihilation is daunting and alluring at the same time.

I have this “apocalyptic track” playing in ‘my’ head when ‘I’ am contemplating this

Lorn - Acid Rain (Slowed & Throwed)

It’s like things would shift from ‘me’ existing as this tiny ‘I’ and instead this body would be the very infinite and eternal universe experiencing itself, that is such a huge shift. Then there could not be any boundaries between this body and the rest of infinitude, the perfection and purity which wells up in all directions could not be contained into a neat box or somehow hidden from. Perhaps this is exactly what happens with the newly free state.

[Ian]

Yes it’s pretty exciting to contemplate!

Yes the feeling of an anchor is just the force of habit, the habitual way of being. The objections as Vineeto calls it.

I love how this isn’t an intellectual exercise. The answers are found in the sincere exploration of my experience.

[Kub933]

I will just add that contemplating this that whole thing of “one small step for a man and one huge step for humankind” is like cake haha, this is so much bigger than any moon landing .

@Ian

I love how this isn’t an intellectual exercise. The answers are found in the sincere exploration of my experience.

Yes it is so much more fun that way!

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Wow indeed, contemplating your post has put ‘me’ in dangerous territory, dangerous for ‘me’.

Ian: Part of the illusion is the feeling that there is a tie or anchor or root or a binding structure that keeps it there

Kuba: ‘I’ anchor ‘myself’, there is actually nothing substantial anchoring ‘me’ other than ‘myself’. This pin that keeps ‘me’ in place can be pulled out so that ‘I’ unravel. It seems such a little thing to do and yet the implications are scary.
Scary not in the sense that there is any genuine danger but rather because of the magnitude of the shift, of the fact that all of ‘me’ disappears, and then there is nothing but that magical perfection and purity welling up in all directions.
It’s like am I ready to be this very magical perfection and purity experiencing itself as a flesh and blood body, that is rather extreme! Not that it makes ‘me’ stop in ‘my’ tracks, in fact ‘I’ know this is exactly where ‘I’ am to proceed. But apprehending oblivion and also the magnitude of what lies after ‘my’ annihilation is daunting and alluring at the same time. […]
It’s like things would shift from ‘me’ existing as this tiny ‘I’ and instead this body would be the very infinite and eternal universe experiencing itself, that is such a huge shift. Then there could not be any boundaries between this body and the rest of infinitude, the perfection and purity which wells up in all directions could not be contained into a neat box or somehow hidden from. Perhaps this is exactly what happens with the newly free state.

Hi @Kuba,

When you say: “But apprehending oblivion and also the magnitude of what lies after ‘my’ annihilation is daunting and alluring at the same time” – I can understand the first part of the sentence but that you have a “daunting” “apprehending of “what lies after ‘my’ annihilation” is really not ‘your’ concern. ‘You’ are arrogating …um… ‘responsibility’ for something which is clearly outside ‘your’ domain.

I won’t divulge how you already know where the pin is, it might be too thrilling … (1)

Ah, life is such a magnificent adventure!

Cheers Vineeto

(1)

• [Respondent]: ‘A feeling of fear has emerged now. ‘I’ feel cornered. I don’t want to do it for ‘me’ because ‘me’ is in control now and ‘me’ is not having any of ending ‘me’.
• [Richard]: ‘As the feeling of being cornered is where one is at now then that is where one starts from: as you say that ‘a feeling of fear’ has emerged this is a vital opportunity to look closely at the fear itself (while it is happening) and it will be seen that there are two aspects to fear … the frightening aspect and the thrilling aspect.
Usually the frightening aspect dominates and obscures the thrilling aspect: shifting one’s attention to the thrilling aspect (I often said jokingly that it is down at the bottom left-hand side) will increase the thrill and decrease the fright as the energy of fear shifts its focus and changes into a higher gear … and, as courage is sourced in the thrilling part of fear, the daring to proceed will intensify of its own accord.
But stay with the thrill, by being the thrill, else the fright takes over, daring dissipates, and back out of the corner you come. (Richard, List B, No. 39b, 7 Nov 2002).

[Ian]

Amazing that all these humans can shed their ancient instinctual programming! So exciting! These living breathing bodies can eliminate the parasite and continue to live…being blown away at the moment with how incredible it is that it can and has happened.

What a relief it would be for all…

Sitting in an airport looking around at all these wonderful people doing their things, genuinely appreciating their current existence, and in turn my own existence…getting in touch with my humanity out of curiousity, i realised i hadnt done this before, had naturally distanced myself from the group… feeling connected/related to everyone and because of this being able to feel how brilliant it would be to be one of the first examples of an auto-manumitted human…uncanny feeling, stumbling upon a wonderful discovery and finding my way to putting it into action…

Every single one of these people including this person has the same thing going on…unless there are any undercover out in the open actually free people here …

So theres no reason why this one cant be one of the first ones to shed the baggage…delete the programme…transform this way of existing, thrilling is the word for sure…

The solution isn’t spiritual it is practical…

I can dare… just keep focusing on the whole of humanity… that each and every body can be so radically altered…just brilliant!

Laughing my way to the bank! Chuckling to myself…working my way toward the line… i can do it so everyone can do it…

The anxiety comes in…what a bunch of embarrassing nonsense!.. and yet i cant unsee this…

The main problem - with humanity - is the wild belief and assumption that things cant change…that there is no alternative…

I love the thrilling tickling feeling, like im on the edge of a waterslide…even though im just sitting on a chair typing into this phone…

Is it worth wriitng about this experience? For me yes, i can work through things to the next insight faster if i pour it out, then wait and contemplate further…

Am i getting somewhere?

Well this whole bit is new to me, so yes, recconecting with humanity let me see the bigger picture and the reality of the human condition…its so weird being the parasite and seeing that i am the parasite…theres still a bit of distance from myself in a sense…that i am seeing that fact from over here…being the thing that i see can/needs tl be removed from all these bodies…

Every parasite needs to release their host…by self immolation…i am no different…i mean oh frick it feels like such a crazily huge thing…

Maybe it can be done before i disembark the next flight, likely? Or unlikely?

What will it take…what do i need to see…

I can totally do it…im so close, surely…how close can you get!?

The thing is it feels like i can do it even if i cognitively ‘dont know how’ because there is the option to back out, which suggests that i have to decide to not be doing it already… does that meam whayt i am doing is the way to do it… keep on feeling the thrill, keep focussed on the goal, keep it simmering in mind…the end of all the ills as Richard said…

Ah am i just being tricky…but it just feels like one more piece of the puzzle has to drop…like i habe to do just one more thing…not that i know what that is! Just the feeling that there is…and we know what that means…just more me continujng indefinitely

The excuse is i need a rest from all this wonderfulness and maybe thats true to an extent…do you think acclimitisation is nevessary or just an excuse…i think both sides of the same coin

[Ian]

Well that was a wonderful wonderful flight…packed plane…but i have neve felt so relaxed and enjoyed it all…had great interactions with the mum and her two kids who were my companions for the flight, just thoroughly enjoyed it…each time my mood would dip i was able to immediately take note, recognise it for what it was, and decline and instead lay back into feeling even more relaxed and appreciative…thoughts of wonderful wonderful , everything is so wonderful, life is just so wonderful…sitting there smiling away quite naturally

So at peace on a crowded airplane…

As i was boarding i had a thought of Richard when he went to India, and realised what fun he would have been having, somehow that turned my fun up to high, just putting my mind to how much fun is possible…

Relaxed pleasant naturally playful fun…

I liked being a relaxed pleasant calm person…i can use that desire to be more of that to drive me forward…

The boy said to me, youre a good man, thank you for being kind(? I think it was kind) on this flight… such a wonderful and surprising thing to say…

Anyway still here, still a feeling being but man what a great experience!

[Ian]

So now I can sense my self as a being, sometimes being a son, or being an employee, as in those ways of being occasionally come to the fore and my mood changes and i start thinking and imagining in the way of that being, and recognise that I am being this or that and decide to not go down those roads and come back to enjoying and appreciating instead… increasingly easily… so where in the past i may have been responding or reacting as a son, maybe a frustarted son or a worried son, and wanting to be a good son or a different kind of son, now I can more easily stop being a son and instead I carry on enjoying the moment as it is…this is a different way of being… not sure if it aligns with the in control different way of being but different than normal, right angles different