Ian: Yes I can say although ultimately I do want to feel good, at the moment I am currently becoming aware of what I am feeling, so I suppose I am more wanting to feel what I am feeling. What the full spectrum of feelings encompasses and feels like, to feel what it is to be a complete feeling being. I had developed something like a blanket suppression order on almost all of the way I feel (therefore the way I am) and am in the careful process of uncovering and looking at everything that makes up me. I believe this is the process of accepting myself/liking myself.
Ok, it is certainly useful, if not ultimately imperative to become aware of the “blanket suppression” of feelings in order to feel them, get to know them, label them and then be able to dianoetically (link) and sensibly contemplate if to continue experiencing them is worthwhile.
In other words, once you identified the particular feeling as what it is (anger, sorrow, worry, spitefulness, melancholy, fear, etc.) then you have a choice to either keep feeling it or to decide to put it aside in order to feel better (i.e. get back to feeling good). Then from this more dispassionate perspective you can have a good look at what was the cause/trigger for you to feel such an insalubrious feeling.
To be “uncovering and looking at everything that makes up me” you do not need to keep feeling each feeling until it subsides of its own accord (and embracing it only fuels the feeling to hang around for longer) – it is enough to recognize it and then stop feeding it (which may take a while to find the switch until you get the knack).
I’m not sure if you succeed in liking yourself as long as you nurture, i.e. feed, malice and sorrow in your bosom. ‘Vineeto’ certainly couldn’t until she had a clear third alternative. She continued to feel bad via either suppressing or expressing her feelings as she had been taught by new-age therapists during her spiritualist years.
Ian: I don’t like myself because I can be scared, angry, sad, deceitful, petty, arrogant, childish, greedy, cunning. I am slowly welcoming those parts of me I have rejected, with the right mind I can recognise those parts are natural and appropriate for a feeling being to feel (putting aside the question as to the appropriateness of expressing or acting on them). Appropriate also doesn’t mean sensible - expected might be a better word. That is if I feel something, it’s not for no reason, nor is it an anomaly of experience. For example - it makes sense for an animal to feel like it is powerful and competent - why wouldn’t it. It seems fundamental that a creature should not doubt its ability to do and achieve what is required for survival. The odd thing is that a creature would feel like those feelings must be suppressed or hidden, but again this is about survival in the group so if the creature feels more safe (achieves homeostasis) by not expressing those feelings whether through training by peers or life experience then that would make sense that suppression occurs.
All this can be summed up by acknowledging the fact that you, like everyone else, was born this way and it is not your fault that you are “scared, angry, sad, deceitful, petty, arrogant, childish, greedy, cunning”. But, being equipped with intelligence you certainly don’t have to stay that way and you don’t have to accept the way you were born (the belief that you can’t change human nature). You can stop following the “tried and failed” template of the wisdom of the real world.
Richard: “I tried my best to make their system work to produce the optimum result … but to no avail. Only then did I make the first and most important movement of my own volition … I discarded the ‘tried and true’ as being the ‘tried and failed’.” (Richard, List A, No. 26)
Hence instead of “welcoming” those insalubrious feelings you can decide to change them (without suppressing nor expressing them). (see: Richard, Selected Correspondence, Aggression).
Ian: Cognitively, I understand that I can only change myself; emotionally, I want everything else to change – so there is something missing in my understanding (did feeling-being Vineeto experience something like this?). I do feel sad and angry and scared when I think about ‘the way things are in general’. I find myself thinking/feeling things like ‘life just gets worse and worse’ or ‘it’s just one thing after another’ or ‘what’s the point, it’s just never going to change’. I think these point to a belief that I have adopted or developed over the years, that life is somehow impossible to enjoy.
‘Vineeto’ experienced this ‘wanting others or things to change’ but quickly put it aside as non-sensical once she started practising actualism. It’s an automatic reaction which, once recognized, need not be perpetuated. What you describe is exactly what is meant by the word resentment –
- Resentment: indignation or ill will stemming from a feeling of having been wronged or offended. (American Heritage Dictionary)
- Resentment: a feeling of anger or unhappiness about something that you think is unfair (Oxford Dictionary)
- Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury (Merriam-Webster.com)
- Resentment: Opposite: appreciation, contentment, satisfaction, […] (Onelook Dictionary)
As such my previous advice to you still stands – as long as you consider feeling resentment being an appropriate response (and that includes “welcoming those parts of me” ), no change can be evinced. You seem to have fallen for therapeutic humbug – now that there is a third alternative to suppressing or expressing (including “welcoming”) this real-world advice is superseded.
So when you say further down – “I want to decline this resentment but in the past I have only succeeded in suppressing – is there anything I can do to bridge the gap between realising something and actualising it” – you can only decline something when you have 1) recognized it, 2) acknowledged it and 3) understood it. Hence you first need to recognize that it is operating in every complaint you have with the world you live in.
Ian: On the other hand, I also really enjoy being alive, and there is so much I love about existing, and I feel sad if I contemplate dying or being gone (at the same time as desiring oblivion and release). And I love more than anything the times when I have a PCE or excellence experience.
The resentment I think comes from feeling frustrated about not having the resources to only do the things in life that I enjoy – those things that stimulate good feelings.
There seems to be a basic misunderstanding about the actualism method. Enjoying and appreciating being alive means exactly that – an unconditional enjoyment and appreciation of being alive (link), not just enjoying the things you “love” (love is a good feeling, as opposed to a bad feeling). If you only want to enjoy the things you love, of course you resent that you can’t have it all the time and resent those other things you don’t love.
Ian: From communication with Claudiu I understand that when something is fully seen for what it is, then the declination will happen automatically because it is obvious to not do that. In the mean-time I can keep shining a light on the feelings/beliefs to uncover more until that moment happens. Is there anything you can suggest here.
I did just that in my above answers. “Fully seen for what it is” requires a dispassionate investigation after you decided that you want to feel good about being alive now, which is certainly not the same thing as “welcoming those parts of me” or “accepting myself/liking myself” for being “scared, angry, sad, deceitful, petty, arrogant, childish, greedy, cunning”.
Ian: As an aside – I’ve noticed that I massively enjoy hearing or reading about the experience of the actual world. For example whenever I read the tales of becoming free, or recently Geoffrey’s description of letting go of the ‘guardian’, or when I was visiting you and Richard – Richard’s description of the pelicans beak, or his demonstration of time. These stories and descriptions really get through to a part of me, I get that feeling of excitement because I know that world, and it becomes clearer to me, I get the butterflies tickle, that I am close to it. It seems to help me begin to rememorate the PCE – maybe this is my way to connect to pure intent. It was Richard’s description of the actual world ‘the entire world is a magical fairytale-like playground full of incredible gladness and a delight which is never-ending’ which sparked recognition in me as that was how I had described a PCE that I had prior to finding the website, yet had not found a similar description in any spiritual writings. I remember being so excited because I knew he was writing about the same thing that I had experienced.
It is great that you do feel excited about those descriptions and I do remember you writing about those instances of your own experiences on this forum. I wondered what happened that you got sucked in so badly into the New Age therapy stuff, as I pointed out above, which resulted in losing your way. Richard’s advice to Claudiu in answer to his first post to the Yahoo list applies to you as well – (Richard to Claudiu) – (in your case it would be “stop doing New Age therapy”, “stop listening to therapists, period.”)
Disclaimer : If you are currently in medical treatment/ official therapeutic treatment, then as long as this is the case the actualism method or taking any actualist advice including my own is contraindicated (see disclaimer) until you have finished your medical/therapeutic treatment. To try to marry actualism and New Age therapy is ineffectual, at best.
Cheers Vineeto
PS: Could you please remind me (privately) when it was you were visiting (or under which name) as I cannot locate it in my memory at present. Thank you.
For a gloomy and doomy individual it is as easy as pie to manage to feel bad, the opportunities for this choice lay all around. They do not require any process or system or a step by step, they manage quite well themselves haha!