I wanted to start a proper journal as can’t seem to change the title of the other thread and was going off topic.
Recently I keep having the realisation that it always comes back to me, I have to choose to enjoy this, whatever it is…and then it’s clear where I am not on board. When I realise I just have to choose to feel good, and I just don’t want to, like it’s a drag that I have to enjoy this moment regardless of circumstance. How much do I have to enjoy against my will! 
That’s the humour in how rediculous I can be.
I realised today I’ve been living on/as hope for years and years…swinging between the smallest smidgeon of hope and the bleakness of despair…but always finding hope again…and then when nothing changes I fall back into despair…I feel like an animal that isn’t sure if it’s going ro be eaten right now or if I’m just being toyed with.
It’s good to see the ‘of course’ of my feelings/being…this relates to the shame thing…i had put a lid on all my feelings because I didn’t know what I was looking at, and had continued to cause trouble in other people’s lives.
Now I can allow myself to see the reason for feeling; of course I am feeling this way, it’s totally what I should be feeling given the circumstances and how a feeling being would feel, it’s perfectly appropriate.
Once I can see that, then I am reconnected with the feeling part of myself, like a twisted balloon becoming untwisted. The top part was the thinker and the bottom was the feeler. Now I can feel my self as the feeling, and experience the bowl, or spectrum of that feeling. Like hope and despair, love and hate, security and insecurity…
The two sides of a coin applies to all these aspects of me. Sometimes I am neutral, but that doesn’t mean I am free of that aspect. Just because I am not feeling something strongly doesn’t mean I am not under the spell of a belief or facet of being. For example Love can be warm and lovely and also cold and spiteful…but also it can be neutral…when not being immediately challenged or stoked up. I am still living with the attachment and conditions, it is just that conditions are being met so nothing is being triggered.
Sleepy now…