Felix's Diary

Journals
74

@Kub933 haha yeah that makes sense. I was the biggest forcer ever and got absolutely nowhere. Didn’t Srinath write something on his website like “steely determination is for naught”. How right he is :smiley::smiley:. It’s a tough one but that’s where dedication does pay off eventually in that you can gradually learn what to do or not do.

What is a huge difference now vs a few weeks or certainly months ago is that I can’t really get myself to self-recriminate anymore. It just doesn’t make sense to do. Bad feelings aren’t ‘bad’… good feelings aren’t ‘bad’. And neither are they ‘good’. They are what they are - natural human things. They evidently have clear consequences. It evidently makes more sense to be felicitous — it’s self-evident it’s better for everyone and everything to thrive and enjoy being alive. They’re clearly ultimately unnecessary. There’s not much more to it than enjoying being alive!!

@claudiu the above seems strange to me - you seem to write in such relative terms as if everything was all the same: good feelings, bad feelings, PCE….they are all just “natural”. Yet the difference in degree between these things is massive. Bad feelings are self-evidently so much worse than good feelings. And a PCE is so much better than everyday ‘being’ regardless of good or bad feelings (there’s no comparison). It’s curious given your extensive peak experiences that you aren’t impelled towards actual freedom at this point, as something immensely desirable for that body. You wrote in your last message that you have success with EEs but a PCE is harder, but I wouldn’t have thought one is that much harder than the other overall.

I’m wondering…and this could be way off…if there is any chance you are mischaracterising your experiences (ie. ascribing the name EE and PCE to experiences that weren’t that)? Or alternatively, do you reckon you’ve had those genuine experiences but are somehow blocking yourself on an identity level to progressing further?

It’s none of my business but I thought I’d at least contribute my thoughts given I’m interested in actual freedom for myself and everybody :smiley:

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Oh indeed. Just because all feelings are natural doesn’t mean they are all the same. Also note I didn’t group the PCE together with the feelings. What I’m getting at is that I am seeing it’s not sensible to morally judge feelings as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. As someone famous around these parts put it:

And yet when what is happening is a PCE, don’t you sometimes get the sense or impression that all ‘you’ get up to as a feeling-being is overly-dramatic, much ado about nothing?

I’m certainly impelled towards it, but I’m more seeing that my past attempts at propelling have only gotten me so far, and something else is needed to continue.

They aren’t so different , but still EEs happen more often for me than PCEs. What’s the ratio like in your experience?

I don’t think so - they’re pretty clear to me at this point. Though I’ve noticed sometimes hard to tell when a PCE has turned into an EE or vice versa.

Well as self-immolation can happen any moment - including while I write this and while you read it - then it’s always true we are all blocking ourselves from self-immolating somehow. So the question is what to do in the meantime?

I’m not saying there’s nothing I/you can do … so what do we do?

:smiley: I think sharing on here implicitly invites anyone reading to comment or ask questions. So no worries there - fun to discuss and share!

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Hehe I’ve gone busily editing my messages so your quotes won’t quite match up unfortunately - sorry that’s not intentional.

This whole idea though that self-immolation can happen at any time - I’m not quite sure that’s exactly how it works. If you don’t want it, if you aren’t going for it, then how is it going to happen? Is there a reason you don’t want to really go for it?

Regarding your feelings - sure. you can regard them as all natural or within the same kind of category, but that doesn’t really change the experiential quality of them right? Merely not morally judging feelings doesn’t mitigate them either surely. Have you got too used to the normal/neutral state of being lately and started to settle for second best?

I remember @geoffrey writing shortly before self-immolation about aiming at the actual with “all of his soul” or his “whole soul” or words to that effect. Everyone who has become actually free has diligently and determinedly gone after it haven’t they? Rather than sit back and wait for it.

I can’t say what the overall roadmap to becoming actually free is like - tonight I didn’t feel that far from it. I’m certainly more motivated than ever to go after it, and back as a feeling being I feel more at ease, light and happy. Even in the meantime I want as many EEs and PCEs to occur as possible and the fact that they can is exciting and motivating to the nth degree.

It just seems curious - you write so much here, you are as big an actualist expert on here as any, you’ve met Richard and Vineeto, what you write fits the bill for the actually free on here etc - but it seems experiential progress or progress towards actual freedom has stopped for you somewhat. It’s only that I’ve benefited from this recent jolt of progress and total wonderful surprise that I dare to nudge you about getting back on the horse - believing it’s possible, getting off your bum, doing whatever it takes to activate delight etc, because the results could not be more worth it (!!!).

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Me neither :slight_smile: I’m going by what Vineeto writes (it was her suggestion to put it on the diagram) and I presume she knows what she’s talking about.

Who’s to say I don’t want it / am not going for it? :smiley:

What I’m saying is that the way to “really go for it” looks to me now is different than it did before. Before I put a lot of ‘self-pushing’ type of energy, pushing, drive, etc., into it, which got me to a certain point. But now it is clear that same type of energy will not get me further. So it’s not a matter of not going for it, but rather, navigating how precisely to go further.

I’m not advocating not being discerning. A brutal bloody battle is in the same category as a hummingbird flitting about, in that both are things that actually happen, but that doesn’t mean one isn’t preferable (or far preferable) to the other. Rather it’s that moral judgement in particular is redundant. It doesn’t add anything of benefit. This doesn’t mean there is “nothing to do” about it.

Not morally judging my own feelings does change the experiential quality of them! Quite a bit. It is way better, and also much easier to be sincere and see everything ‘I’ get up to with clear perspicacity.

It does mitigate them actually - as in alleviate but not resolve. Makes them far easier to navigate. I highly recommend it ! Moral judgement has no place in actualism.

Not neutral at all. Rather feeling good , but not out-from-control :slight_smile:

Out-from-control is way better though!

Who’s to say I am sitting back and waiting for it? :smiley:

“Pushing yourself” only works so far because any kind of pushing is not done with your “whole soul” — since there is one part pushing another. So the process is to get the whole soul on board. How to do that is the question! And indeed the answer is clearly not to just wait for it.

I have felt for maybe a year or two that “there can’t be much left” and that it’s really simple. And I don’t think I’ve been wrong per se. But sounds like you are on the right track anyway ! :appreciation:

I wouldn’t say it’s stopped — if you look back the substance of what I wrote is that I stopped self-recriminating. But I appreciate the sincere and naive nudge!! There is a nice element of contagious energy to it :slight_smile:

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78

The nudge worked :smiley: had an amazing minute or two of utter pure pristine perfection (PCE), follow by a fantastic drive just reveling in it (EE), allowing a deep-down part of myself to be felt and seen that I truly yearn for this !! impossible to believe how fantastic being alive is

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Haha wow that’s awesome! Maybe I should start nudging everyone lol.

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Well, that’s how it (re)started for a lot of us a few years back, wasn’t it? :grin: On a more serious note, don’t get stuck in converting the rest of us and get back to work yourself. Why aren’t you free yet, huh? (j/k)

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Now that I’m back to “normal”, I’m finding that the actual world is still cracking through. It’s a weird mix between being my regular self, and having frequent instances of things being different around me and much closer to what a peak experience is like. It’s subtle compared to a PCE but it’s not subtle compared to normal life if that makes sense.

Even right now I’m in a bit of a stressful situation (I forgot to take an important HIV preventative medication for gay people), but it’s as if I can’t muster what would usually be a very strong stress response. I can feel that I am responding with a slight stress but I can also feel an opposite reaction going the complete other way and it’s the more powerful one. I’m having little EE blips as I navigate the world. Flowers are brighter, objects are starker. There is an underlying knowing that things are actually OK underneath the ‘being’ imposed reality I’m living.

Additionally, and this is very new for me - I’m starting to feel myself caring deeply. Anyone who knows me would not describe me as a particularly “caring” person per se. Especially with the chronic stress having just eaten away at me for so long, it’s like I couldn’t be emotional anymore. I couldn’t feel sad. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel that happy either. And I definitely couldn’t care. But now it’s like I’m “open” in a way I’ve not been in years. There is deep release of all that stress and struggle within me, and I have cried a couple of times since the PCE, in a very cathartic way that has felt very good to this feeling being. I feel genuine feeling caring for those around me and human beings at large. Suddenly I’m
empathising a lot with people and situations around me - again totally new to me.

I know I have to be careful in this area - not to get engrossed in a deep caring: especially not one based on sorrowful compassion (isn’t that where enlightenment lies? I can almost feel enlightenment in the sideline or on an alternative channel as well). I think it’s good that I care, but I don’t want to be ensnared by deluding myself into that deep emotional caring territory. I want to make sure I do the best possible thing for this body and everybody.

It’s strange to write, but I don’t feel that far off from being able to self immolate. Just like last night before the PCE, I feel “pregnant” with it. For most of this process it’s felt like I was fighting for this and combatting myself - and most of all not knowing what to do. I remember saying to Vineeto “I would self immolate but I can’t”. It’s as if now there is a sense that, even though I don’t know “how”, the sense of “I can’t” is losing its grip. It doesn’t seem at all impossible anymore. I “believe that it is possible”.

Esoteric territory and I never thought I’d be writing what I’ve written in this post. This whole territory seemed previously unknowable and impossible to me. I hope I can navigate this to the best possible benefit of this body and everybody

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82

Don’t be too hard on yourself if love does get some snares on you at this stage. A common experience when experiencing this especial clarity & caring is that in seeing the others clearly, we can’t help but love them

Just more being in operation - more to investigate & you’ll be right on your way :relaxed:

It’s wonderful reading your report!

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Sounds great!

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I don’t know how up to date you have been with the recent threads but this appears to be very in line with the discussions we’ve had recently about a connection to Pure intent being established. It seems very similar to the experiences that me @claudiu and @henryyyyyyyyyy were writing about.

Do you find you can tune into that aspect more often/ more easily now vs in the past @Felix ?

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Here’s 2 posts that I could find that summarise what I am referring to, I couldn’t find the one with @henryyyyyyyyyy 's experience

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Thanks @henryyyyyyyyyy. My experience seems to be fluctuating a lot - it’s weird haha. It’s like I’ve got 3 modes: normal, compassion/love/sorrow (new), EE/PCE/intimations of the actual (new). Think it’s all par for the course as you say. The one I’m least a fan of is normal :slight_smile:

@Kub933 I haven’t been following the posts over the last few months but will try to catch up a bit. It’s a weird thing, the degree to which the underlying actual world is able to be seen or perceived or whatever. It’s not entirely clear to me what it is that turns it on or off, except perhaps remembering/believing part (rememoration of the PCE and believing/“knowing” the actual do be there). If I get too into my work than It tends to turn off, if I go outside it tends to turn on!

Have you guys noticed a change in whether or not you have to control a wayward self? I no longer feel like I’m doing that which is a big relief, whereas previously it’s been like I as an identity have been bucking and bolting like a world horse - creating a lot of havoc… haha

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Yes I was writing about that a while ago as well. There was a change at some point towards a certain ease of character and in general things are a lot less turbulent.
There is always in the background this sense of all is well and it’s no biggie, the main focus now is on how I am still obstructing that purity each moment.
So when I get caught in some period of feeling bad there is an acknowledging of this and steering myself gently back to the purity.
There is more that Claudiu has mentioned too, like no longer getting caught up in the moral aspect of things too much, rather just noticing that enjoying and appreciating is the way to go.

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Also this one, it appears that what switches it on/off is simply orienting ‘myself’ back to the purity. So for example if I am busy working and catch myself no longer experiencing it, I can ‘orient’ myself towards it again or ‘tune into it’ by the simple intention to do so.
That is if I am not at the same time busy preventing it by getting hung up on some issue (this is where the more standard process of tracing back, seeing silliness, investigation etc would kick in)

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Hey @Kub933 did you perhaps have a PCE while I was away? By the sounds of it you did :smiley:. If so I’ll go look for it in your diary.

I saw that amazing flow diagram that was put together, nice one @claudiu. It will be interesting to see how people go with it.

I’ve been thinking lately… the part which is the most important in the whole method - getting from feeling good to having a PCE - is not explained with explicit instructions on the website (and hence can’t really be explained in a diagram either).

This makes sense because the process of getting to a PCE is not really linear or trackable right? It’s pretty esoteric territory! It requires people to stumble and discover something they have literally NEVER done on purpose before. There are some vague instructions or phrases to consider (“enjoy and appreciate”, “activate delight”, “be naivete”, “current time awareness”, “sensuosity” etc) but there is no recipe at all as @geoffrey has always said. One has to be a pioneer and discover the possibility for oneself, which is dependent on myriad factors (from mood to physiological state to environment to triggers to time of day to methodology etc etc).

Once someone gets the knack of how to have an EE or PCE, then feeling good is something that’s a lot easier to know how to do (because it uses the same essential approach). Then concepts like “nipping it in the bud” or “identifying the trigger” are going to positively feed into application of the method - because one has that ongoing enjoyment in place as a foundation. Without this foundation, all those instructions are mainly going to cause issues in my opinion (in my experience at least).

The basic resentment for being alive is at the core of what an identity is, and “enjoying and appreciating” from the outset, without recourse to the usual forms of instinctual outlets or pleasures (“neither express nor repress”), is about the last thing people will
know how to do. A PCE is very powerful for overcoming the innate cynicism of being itself, and that’s why I agree with the neo-actualist tendency to prioritise having a PCE. Once that golden clew is established, the Virtual Freedom method of “feeling good each moment again” is going to be easier to apply and the identity will be getting some magical help “from outside” as well :disguised_face:, in the form of pure intent.

If I were to go back I would wait for when I feel good to attempt a PCE, and repeat this until I eventually had one - rather than getting lost in an attempt at the virtual freedom method from the outset, without this foundational knowledge. Even now - I would not make an attempt at a PCE unless already feeling pretty good.

This is not to bag on the website, or the diagram, or attempts to explain actualist concepts. It’s more just to say to people on here that clarifying, summarising or distilling the various concepts Richard uses can be helpful - but will not ultimately lead to practical success. To have practical success you need to go have a PCE (and for that I’d advise waiting for times you already feel good).

ThIs is just based on my experience of course,
and the mileage of others may vary. I can imagine a lot of variation between people depending on psychological makeup and initial baseline for example - but thought I’d just put my own experiences out there!

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@Felix Yes it was this PCE where it seems afterwards I took a different turn - Drawing the line between feeling and fact - #78 by Kub933

It was a pretty long one for my standards and also I had this very interesting experience where during it I started contemplating what it would be like if ‘I’ never came back. When coming out of it I specifically focused on leaving that golden clew.

I wrote a bit more about the never coming back part of the PCE here - An observation from a PCE

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Just read it! Awesomeeeeee @Kub933. Especially loved the last few sentences.

Man I’m so impressed with the participation and developments of this group and its members. I’ve come back after only a few months and there’s almost too much to read :joy:, which is fantastic.

Maybe there will be a convivium next :smiley:.

Anyone who tries at this thing called actualism deserves a massive pat on the back, regardless of perceived progress or success.

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Yes agreed I was thinking that the other week, it seems that more and more of us are getting onto something here which is great, now time for the next wave to follow :grin:

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@Felix I was reading your post and crying and smiling at the same time . I could not resist not to translate your wonderful post . Two of them already translated .
This is so amazing what you are experiencing , gives me so much motivation to do the method more and more

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