So I was thinking today about the PCE that I had yesterday and one part of it stood out above everything else.
I was walking around at the time and I was contemplating what would need to happen or what it would be like if this state was to be permanent.
As I was contemplating this it dawned on me that self immolation is not a death like experience (in the way I always thought about it or dramatised/fantasised it) where there is a death of ‘me’ and a rebirth of a new me, this would be more along the lines of enlightenment. ‘I’ would need to genuinely exist in the first place if there was to be an actual death of ‘me’.
Instead I experienced that it would be like walking deeper and deeper into a wilderness until I am so lost that I cannot even remember a way back to normal, or in fact did the normal ever exist? There is nothing but this deep, magical, never-ending wilderness stretching in every direction and I am simply here where I always was.
A loose way to explain it was that if I kept being here more and more there would eventually be a point where there is no ‘me’ to go back to and no ‘reality’ to go back to, as Richard says it would be as if I am looking back and seeing the door to ‘reality’ closing behind me and realising that all that ever existed is this very actual world.
And it seemed this is all that has to happen, so simple and yet if this opportunity presented itself right now I would pull back, why? This is what I have been thinking about since, what is it that pulls me back. I saw in that brief moment that ‘me’ fading away would be the absolute end of everything. Yet it would be so very simple at the same time because this body is already here. There would be no actual death, no sort of in-between transition period, it would be a seamless transition, except that ‘I’ would not exist in any form at the end of this transition, in fact ‘I’ would have never existed in the first place.
Pretty exhilarating stuff that’s making my whole body tingle just writing about it as I am starting to recall the experience.
So not much to discuss but I wanted to write it out to understand the experience on a deeper level.
