Yes I know what you mean completely. Indeed people are quite vicious and we all have this internalised to some degree, along with societal standards and all of that. What’s quite perverse about the way the mind works is how vicious one can be to oneself, where the animal instincts can actually be turned on oneself.
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Feeling really unstressed today. The least stressed I have felt for as long as I can remember.
Just to feel what it’s like to be this body without that stress is quite remarkable. It had become such a core part of who I was that it was almost impossible to be myself without being stressed.
Like I’d wake up and go “it’s time to be me” and then that means feeling stressed.
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There are a few “macro” issues I’ve started to look at. Obviously actualism is typically about the micro, looking at feelings moment to moment. But there are some issues that become more evident when zooming out and a pattern can be seen. One such pattern is something I am still working out, it’s quite amorphous and fuzzy but I can see the edges of it so to speak.
I clearly have problems with shame, blame and control. The way it works seems to boil down to the following:
- My self worth is entirely tied to outcomes
- In order to have self worth, those outcomes need to be exceptional
- I will aim for very high standards, nigh-on perfect outcomes (having a perfect body, producing exceptional work, being the best singer, becoming actually free etc etc)
- As such I’m usually “future oriented”
- When I can’t have control over those outcomes it becomes a massive threat to my self-worth and I rapidly turn the blame inwards: huge shame, self hatred, self aggression etc.
This is the perfectionistic mindset that seems to drive a lot of my behaviour. It is very future oriented. Emotionally speaking I’m typically focused on what the future version of me needs to be, and typically condemning the current version of me for:
- having what I perceive to be a bad body or a body that won’t respond as I command
- not having a solid romantic relationship or clear evidence of enough friendship etc around me
- being disorganised
- not feeling good
- falling into burnout
Etc etc
The belief in my head seems to be that if I were to give up on my high standards of how I need to be, I won’t achieve the “future me” that I apparently need to ensure I achieve (or else I will condemn myself almost to death, it seems).
Clearly this kind of self-castigating became a very strong survival strategy for me, and in some ways worked as I achieved substantial goals and was a typical “high achiever”. However now it is clearly no longer working and has become a massive hindrance (especially with actual freedom as my goal), almost like a total shut down of my potentiality.
I think it also causes a kind of neuroticism/negative self focus that manifests to others as someone who is unfriendly or selfish almost. They don’t understand the inner drivers and so it just looks like being antisocial or apathetic. It blocks empathy.
I will be looking at this habit each moment again because my own inability to be friendly with myself is clearly holding me back from feeling good each moment again, and ultimately what I want most - actual freedom.
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Feeling very naive and sensuous atm. This investigation really helped^.
As much as I’m speaking about the “macro”, that macro is made up of composite micro moments - these can easily be missed. In fact I am motivated as a self to miss them, as if secretly clinging hard to my much-held beliefs.
I went to the park and was feeling incredibly naive. The chat with @Vineeto made me think of the following quote:
“Pride is derived from an intellect inured to naiveté.”
It made me realise I am kidding myself, if I think I’m being naive, let alone being naïveté itself. My standard is too low as it were - I’m content to be clever or verbose or argumentative or rational, proclaiming my lack of deep feelings and denying the muddying sense of ‘being’ that dirties everything.
Everything started to look very fresh and vibrant in a way that it hasn’t in a long while.
Now I’m back at home on the balcony. My awareness is drawn to the presence of any interference of the types of issues mentioned above, my main ones, the most hidden ones. The ones that dominate my every waking moment virtually in the back of my mind.
But those issues aren’t coming up, sensuosity is. The flickering of candles, the glow of my phone, the tapping of my thumbs. The faint sound of crickets. Cars in the distance.
There is an aliveness, but I’m still much much more out of the way than usual. It’s wonderful. My aloneness is of no concern whatsoever.
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Didn’t expect to be writing quite so soon. Things have been going really really well since I last wrote. I dropped 10000 ways of thinking and maps and self analysis and and and. Stopped even considering myself an actualist if I can put it that way.
As a result I’ve been able to get under those layers and actually understand how I feel. This morning I realised I was basically “comfortably numb” - successfully noticing/avoiding triggers but essentially just stuck in a lowkey depression and not actually feeling good in the true sense.
I have recently procured some LSD I have been thinking of taking. This morning I thought, “I could take it but I’m not feeling good enough - I want to be feeling good for it.” So I then “chose” to feel good. And having tried that a million times before, this time I was not blocked.
All that self-defeating anxiety about myself as an actualist was not there to block me. I just felt good and it was all good. I had a great day and didn’t overthink it; haven’t been trying to do anything or achieve anything other than feeling good and being somewhat aware it’s this moment. A “light” approach and low effort/low touch.
This has been producing amazing results. At various times the world around has taken on a really inviting aspect, at times bordering on fairly tale quality. I’m starting to feel truly naive at times and to experience wonder. At one point I peed in front of the bushes and it’s hard to describe but it was just amazing to be there where I was and nowhere else. The bushes were magical and seemed to extend forever. All the drudgery and mundaneness and stress is not happening, that was all a kind of prison I have been stuck in.
Then tonight after a really fun dinner with friends I had an EE, unbelievably fun and so weird but so amazing. This world is absolutely amazing!! One thing I’ll note too is just the 100% health of feeling good. Absolutely no psychomatic symptoms to speak of or body issues or self consciousness.
After that EE the “good feelings” absolutely flooded in, almost like the opposite of depression. I felt it was the best night of my life, like the last day of summer and I could die and I’d be happy. Then it was going to change to gratitude and crying but since I’ve seen that before I nipped it in the bud.
Now I’m sort of back to where I was earlier today, just lowkey enjoying and appreciating. Excited and enthusiastic about the possibilities but not pushing for anything.
I think maybe it’s going to be a bit futile trying to write about this stuff ongoing. This process isn’t a rational one and as such my efforts to explain my way through it might actually hinder me.
But whatever this change is (I don’t want to reflect or analyse it right now) it is well reflected in the posts of recent days.
I never took the LSD btw, I had the organic version 
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