Felix's Diary

[jesus.carlos]

@Felix

I have taken a break from work, and a break from eeeeeeveerything - purely to have the time and space to figure out what’s going on with me.

Same!

@Felix

I am finding this time extremely helpful.

X2!

@Felix

I deceived myself into thinking I was being positive about life, not resentful etc because on an identity level I was wearing the clothes of actualism, but underneath I was a scared resentful feeling being.

Yeah! Very similar.

@Felix

This was my way of trying to put a lid on the feeling being. To not be caring toward myself or others. This lack of friendliness within caused my nervous system to absolutely tighten and freeze and lock up - pretty much on an ongoing basis. I just wanted to shut everything down and “achieve” what I needed to. I didn’t want to mess things up so I ignored myself.

Now we are like soul mates.

@Felix

Now, I feel I am finally doing something different. There is a sensitivity, an

attentiveness and a WILLINGNESS to just try in a sincere way, without pressure, but plenty of intent. I can feel it all pulling into one energy, it’s very open, and integrated.

In the same direction but I feel you are going better! Wich motivates me.

@Felix

I feel more naive, and way more experimental. No longer believing what feelings tell me are the case and just being blocked. But going beyond the block.

Gold. Or perhaps just seeing that in our feelings of anxiety or fear we are telling ourselves that we have deviated from the wondrous path.

@Felix

“Sure I’d love to feel good but I can’t cause I’m feeling X”. For me it was burnout - could never get past those feelings of just being totally stressed and wiped out.

Exactly that was my situation before the July PCE and even after it, before this month of work release that gave me the opportunity to observe better.

@Felix

Lately I feel my guard is coming down. My nervous system is relaxing (frequently this causes some hot tears). There’s a sense of possibility, of fun, of opportunity. I am gathering intent, I’m excited at the possibility of self immolation. I’m (mostly) not kicking myself for the mistakes I’ve made so far with all this.

Feeling the same, a little intelectualy worried because in one month I’ll be back again in political business. But I’m trying to get the most out of this time having fun with myself, and being the most considerate I can with myself and others.

@Felix

I’m seeing the limits of being a self - that there is no winning.

Exactly. There is no future there. I’m also realizing that more and more and it is liberating me of all this sense of responsibility in the real world (and of course, of irresponsibility also).

@Felix

Why have I tried my whole life to be a winner then? Attempting that is pure stress.

A winner, or in other words (my case) someone that can be there for everyone and resolve the caos that we have created in our moderns forms of living, full of consumerism and cars, and land destruction. Why do I have this feeling that I must do something about it? Now I’m seeing this is caring, but bad implemented, and with “ego” issues.

@Felix

I feel ready to do something else, to lose almost, as an action.

To lose the identity rewards. Recognition, admiration, reputation, approval, and also the privilege that can be generated through it all.

Pure intent: to recognize that none of this is true, nor necessary, and that all we have is this one wonderful moment of being alive.

Thank you very much for your answer @Felix . Your sincerity and discoveries about it resonate with my experience and help me how you verbalize it so I can do it better, too.

I hope you manage to completely deactivate that chronic stress. I have a feeling that it is the most common condition of the modern, highly competitive world. It’s easy to get hooked on their dynamics. That makes it even more necessary than ever to eradicate the self. It is the most sensible way to end this system of stress, self-exploitation and exploitation of others. A system designed to exploit bodies (through identities) for productivist purposes. For me it will be about finding a way to continue earning my bread, but without ceasing to constantly feel good and beyond, beyond…

@Felix

I know longer feel a victim of tragic circumstance (knowing about actual freedom but don’t being able to do it). Feeling bad feels like a choice for the first time.

This is it. How we feel is a choice. Very difficult to understand, because doing so eliminates avoidance and procrastination.

[Felix]

Yeah it’s amazing the ability I/we have to generate enormous insecurity. Insecurity that has driven us to all these actions.

For me it was a few traumatic things that triggered the chronic stress thing. And then actualism just felt like a new thing I needed to achieve, and despite “trying hard” it seemed I just went in a worse and worse direction. It’s as if it caused me to dig my heels in further if anything - I had something to torture myself with and resent every day - the constant “failure” to feel good.

And because I had gone “all in” on actualism, at least from an identity POV, this created more life problems that I then ignored my feelings about (lack of relationship, lack of congeniality and friendship, lack of stability, lack of domesticity and settling down). Also because actualism talked about not needing money, relationships etc and I used that to justify my already somewhat antisocial tendencies.

So I was actually creating a mid life (third life?) crisis for myself…really putting myself in a bind in a very harsh way. Maximum pressure, feeling like there’s no one to turn to etc. I’ve had support from actually free people but they also represented my apparent failure to follow their advice. I’ve been like a panicked animal for a few years at least (can probably take the word like out of this sentence!)

Nowadays it’s different mainly because my capacity for feeling what I’m feeling and identifying what im feeling is much greater. And I’m way more inspired for some reason - naive you could say. I’m not being diverted by my thoughts, my self perceptions etc which is allowing for greater penetration and making it easier to get back to feeling good. I can feel I’m starting to “tame” this exceptional insecurity which has been flinging me around from one achievement to the next most of my life.

Taking time off from my business has helped to look at things more closely. I found an identity in crisis, terrified to be alone and unable to cope with modern life. At least in terms of what I’m supposed to have achieved, money wise, relationship wise, the lack of support and people around me as I get older etc. Being very aware I am ageing as well. And then all this causing utmost desperation for actual freedom as an escape from this personal tragedy. And perceiving everyone else, non actualists, to be doing so much better than me.

I’m really starting to see this mindfuck for what it is. I have been living “in the psyche”, which takes you far away from being here. It’s flighty and fretful and panicky, and never placated.

I’m starting to come into the simplicity and stability of being here. Letting go of these mental frameworks I’ve used to survive life, abandoning my old ways. One thing I ask if I’m getting that anxiety is HAIETMOBA, with a lens of - is it a fact that I’m unsafe? Just what is it about this moment in place and space that makes me unsafe in any way? Is that anxiety or fear in the environment, or is it in fact me doing that?

This usually reveals the beliefs that are operating. Usually a lot of shoulds about what I should be doing, what I should be achieving, what I need to improve about myself to justify being here. Also some mean questions like why do people not want to be around me, what’s wrong with me? Etc etc. A fried nervous system certainly helps to perpetuate this dynamic.

By asking these questions, questioning how I operate, it helps pop these bubbles which are interfering so catastrophically with direct experience. I start to relax more (usually comes with some tears as I go into more of a parasympathetic state). I start to feel safe, and no longer imagining a need to be doing something else. I start to feel freed up and “inspired” to feel good (no longer blocked in other words).

Then of course the world around me starts to become the safety that I thought was missing in the first place.

[Vineeto]

Hi @Felix,

So many good posts and insights! Before you end up stressing yourself from the sheer amount of what you want to do differently, let me comment on some of what you wrote –

Felix: Probably the biggest thing I’ve found is this. So much of my “determination” and “drive” to pursue actualism has been driven by FEAR. This fear points away from itself oh so cunningly …. I’d even wake up already stressed, and then of course you feel fearful and want to escape. Which can either be something actualism related or something completely different.
For me it has pointed me towards being intense about actualism, being very very hard on myself, and trying as hard as possible.

And:

Felix: This was my way of trying to put a lid on the feeling being. To not be caring toward myself or others. This lack of friendliness within caused my nervous system to absolutely tighten and freeze and lock up - pretty much on an ongoing basis. I just wanted to shut everything down and “achieve” what I needed to. I didn’t want to mess things up so I ignored myself.
Now, I feel I am finally doing something different. There is a sensitivity, an attentiveness and a WILLINGNESS to just try in a sincere way, without pressure, but plenty of intent. I can feel it all pulling into one energy, it’s very open, and integrated.

One of the best help for feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ was Richard’s advice very early on to be a friend to oneself, and given that you have identified this as one of the last things you had paid attention to in your stressful period, here is a timely reminder –

[Richard]: One thing I did, way back when I started doing that method, was to make sure I would never, ever, tell myself off for slipping back into the old ways – after all ‘I am only human’ and it is bound to happen from time-to-time – and instead I would pat myself on the back for being astute enough to notice that I had slipped back and thus get on with the business of being happy and harmless again … and feeling good about myself for being able to do so.
It is important to be friends with oneself – only I get to live with myself twenty four hours of the day (other people can and do move away) – and if I am at war with myself, disciplining myself, telling myself off, I am alienating the only person who can truly help me in all this.
In short: be nice to yourself, not nasty … there are already enough people doing that anyway. (Richard List AF, No. 50, 11 Oct 2003)

Whenever you catch yourself being hard on yourself, stop, pat yourself on the back for recognizing this pattern re-emerging, and get back feeling good by declining those ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ demands which are designed to give you a hard time. “A hard time” is a clear sign that you are no longer on the “wide and wondrous path” so you can abandon those demands with the clear knowledge that they are not part of actualism anyway .

Felix: I have been hunting myself for not being able to turn “myself” into a good person. I’m starting to see that’s the whole game, I’m seeing the limits of being a self – that there is no winning. Why have I tried my whole life to be a winner then? Attempting that is pure stress.
I feel ready to do something else, to lose almost, as an action. And it’s like I can feel some support there, that I won’t be “alone in this endeavour”. That it’s possible. (link)

Exactly, actualism is not at all about being a “good person” – which is again using real-world values to determine what you ‘should’ do. Being sincere and naïve is far more valuable both for you and for those you interact with. Neither is the aim to be “a winner” (in everything you do) because it comes from the same internalised moral/ethical template. Here is something for you to chuckle about –

[Richard]: Both winning and losing are a fact of life … nobody, but nobody, can be a winner all of the time, at all things, on all occasions, without exception.
[Respondent]: I see. That is a basic, simple, common sense, matter of fact way of seeing it. And yet I barely was able to discern that that was what you were getting at. Interesting.
[Richard]: The word ‘loser’ does not have anywhere near the same connotations in this neck of the woods (at least not for my generation anyway) as it does in your part of the world … whereas the word ‘failure’ (as in ‘I am a failure’) does.
Speaking personally, and by any objective criteria, I am a failure big-time: I was a high-school dropout; I was a wartime coward/a peacetime pacifist; I was still a teenager when first married/my first marriage was a shotgun wedding; I had a mental breakdown/ identity crisis in my early thirties; I lost my sanity, my wife, my family, my house, my car, my business, my career; I was a homeless person for five years/a bare-footed vagrant sleeping rough; I remarried only to lose my second wife, after the loss of insanity, of identity, of feelings, of reality, of truth, due to the total and permanent incapacity to be loving/ compassionate and/or affectionate/ empathetic; I am classified as suffering from a chronic and incurable psychotic disorder/ I am derealised, depersonalised, alexithymic, anhedonic; I have no ambition whatsoever/no aim in life at all; I often sit around doing nothing/ quite thoughtless; I am a teetotaller/I rarely socialise; I neither belong to any public organisation, club, guild, or fraternity/ sorority by whatever description, nor go to parties, bars, dances, discos or any other similar social venue; neither do I play competitive sports, support any team or player, or even attend any such sporting events; my main hobbies, apart from boating/ swimming on occasion, are watching television/ pottering about the internet; by going public with my life story I am quite often the recipient of derision, disparagement, scorn, mockery, disdain, belittlement, vilification, denigration, contempt, castigation, disapprobation, denunciation, and condemnation (and discrimination as evidenced by bad-mouthing, backbiting, slander, libel, defamation and a whole range of slurs, smears, censures, admonishments, reproaches, reprovals, and so on) and … and, to cut a long story short, I am currently living in what some call sin (a life of fornication with a live-in divorcée whilst still married to another).
What a failure (a loser) I am, eh? (Richard List AF, No. 68d, 17 Oct 2005)

And yet despite all these failures by societal standards, the identity ‘Richard’ succeeded in what ‘he’ had set as ‘his’ priority in life. And a lot of being able to achieve ‘his’ ultimate aim was made possible by discovering/ re-awakening ‘his’ dormant naiveté, which made ‘him’ both liking and likeable. As such, sorting out your priorities will help you determine in which areas you want to succeed and which ones are rather side-issues.

Felix: This usually reveals the beliefs that are operating. Usually a lot of shoulds about what I should be doing, what I should be achieving, what I need to improve about myself to justify being here. Also some mean questions like why do people not want to be around me, what’s wrong with me? Etc etc. A fried nervous system certainly helps to perpetuate this dynamic. (link)

Yep, whenever the way you feel dips below the line of feeling good, you know what to look for. You wrote in a previous message –

Felix: I’m reminded how Richard once told me his main goal using the actualism method originally was “to not get triggered”. That makes a LOT of sense now – it is just so much easier to be feeling good first and then avoid triggers. (link)

It sounds like the most sensible line of approach to start with – and when there are too many different triggers, get back to feeling good first and then do one, then perhaps another at your leisure. There are not as many different triggers as you might believe at first.

Enjoy.

Cheers Vineeto

[Felix]

Thanks @Vineeto your support and encouragement on here has been invaluable. I think what you are doing is really helpful especially when most of us are doing this online and with no one in our lives that knows about it.

[Vineeto]

Felix: I’m reminded how Richard once told me his main goal using the actualism method originally was “to not get triggered”. That makes a LOT of sense now – it is just so much easier to be feeling good first and then avoid triggers. (link)

Vineeto: It sounds like the most sensible line of approach to start with – and when there are too many different triggers, get back to feeling good first and then do one, then perhaps another at your leisure. There are not as many different triggers as you might believe at first.

Felix: Thanks Vineeto your support and encouragement on here has been invaluable. I think what you are doing is really helpful especially when most of us are doing this online and with no one in our lives that knows about it.

Hi @Felix,

You are very welcome Felix. It is such a delight when I see your putting the feedback in action, that what I write facilitates one or more of you to feel good, or feel better, or puzzle out some apparent obstacle satisfactorily.

Here is an example of how someone phrased it well when they puzzled out how best to apply the actualism method as intended –

”This is when I first saw this aspect of the actualism method: that, at the end of the day, whatever diminishes enjoyment is just an affective habit to be declined and that it is as simple as that. Yes, investigation and exploration are necessary in the beginning to tease out just what that habit is; but once understood, I can just decline so as to have fun sooner than later. In the TMOBA article, Richard alludes to this as “no matter what it is” and “usually some habitual reactive response”. It was amusing to see myself converge on the simplicity of the method as Richard laid out (which, to be frank, has always seemed simplistic!).”

And Kuba confirmed this very recently –

Kuba: The ‘difficulty’ in actualism is due to the fact that all that ‘I’ have learnt in ‘my’ life was an encumbrance. The ease in actualism is unlocked when one stops being sophisticated haha. (link)

So, be sincere and from there allow yourself to be naïve (i.e. unsophisticated, which at the start may look a bit like being a fool to you) and feeling good/great will almost come naturally.

Cheers Vineeto

[Felix]

Hey @jesus.carlos , to get back to your question re chronic stress/burnout

This is my opinion - it’s better to treat the burnout first/separately. I spent a lot of time completely burnt out and working still and also stressing about actualism 24/7 without actually getting anywhere.

It’s quite hard to enjoy and appreciate in a state of exhaustion, especially when you have all of life’s pressures on you from family to work and then your actualism goals as well. To me chronic stress is when you are totally depleted, exhausted, fried, but still trying to fulfill a laundry list of obligations. You aren’t letting yourself rest or relax and so it perpetuates over long periods.

I am doing a lot better with the method since taking time off, reducing my workload, explaining to others how I was feeling, sleeping much more etc etc.

Can you take a break?

[jesus.carlos]

Thank you @Felix ! Yes, in fact, fortunately, I am in a two-month break between the end of one job and the beginning of the other.

It was something fortuitous and although it has not been a vacation (I must spend a few hours a day preparing what follows) it has allowed me to experience life in a different way, as I have not done for a long time (at least 9 years). During this time I have been able to understand in a much deeper and more valuable way what it means to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive.

In fact, what I am designing for my next work stage has as a priority to avoid chronic stress. I think I managed to stop that train two weeks ago. And life is really enjoyed much more.

I really appreciate your retro, I agree with what you say. Personally, I have tried to prevent AF from becoming another stress factor, on the contrary, it is the reminder that I must stop stress through affective attention and commitment to peace on earth here and now, in this life, for this body and for the benefit of everyone else. Of course, when you are in the middle of the hustle and bustle, with a thousand calls and meetings with heavy vibes, it is more complicated, but I firmly believe that it is not impossible. I want to prove that it’s not, until the end.

Or change job, it’s always an option too, haha.

Recommendations that my physiotherapist gave me: stop drinking coffee (because chronic stress is inflammation of the body by overstimulation and in this context ingesting more stimulants is counterproductive, coffee is good to drink but if one is relaxed). No alcohol, no white flours. Sleep as much as the body asks for, at your hours, good sleep routine. Do not wake up with alarms to do intense activity (try to wake up with sunlight and calmly, enjoy the morning). Take relaxants (herbal teas that help you relax). Massage. And definitely some physical activity, sport, but not high performance, but something that is enjoyed and is not a stress factor. I’ll talk to him about AF in return .

[Felix]

I was literally sitting here drinking a coffee as I read that haha. Maybe I’ll switch to decaf

I found the chronic stress thing very difficult to overcome but looking back the biggest issue is that when you already feel stressed, exhausted etc to the point of being ill - feeling good feels very far away and you can easily find many many reasons feeling good isn’t possible.

In other words, the condition itself becomes an existential threat - something to stress about in and of itself - and provides endless runway for never finding a way to feel good.

Indeed from a real world perspective the effects are severe - I had them over the course of years - and very much took a toll on my health. Now that I’m over the hump I’m starting to look and feel healthy again.

I imagine that states like depression work in a pretty similar way - concretising themselves in your own mind as (what appears to be) an impermeable/indestructible structure - reflecting itself in your own physiology and projecting itself onto your the world around you.

A state like chronic stress “feels” concrete, but it isn’t - and it doesn’t take as much to dissolve it as you might tell yourself. Advice like getting massage and taking it easy is still good and sensible, but it can also endorse the idea that you need to accommodate the stressor within - rather than you needing to be the one way to feel good.

One thing I think now is that if I want to be actually free, it follows that I wouldn’t choose to put myself in high pressure situations again and again - that I would not want to be a slave to work, or overestimate the value of money etc etc. Whereas before I indeed I had the attitude that “I need to use actualism to get over the chronic stress” without reducing my workload or attending to my needs or making sensible decisions. That was a clue into a key aspect of my identity that was actually causing a lot of stress - the high achiever, the invulnerable perfectionist, the status seeker.

If you do ever feel particularly stuck, particularly ill or just past the point of return - I find this a great opportunity to “switch” into a totally different emotional state (feeling good). It still happens to me and I still do this. If things are going so so, you might not really notice, but if things are going terribly, it feels, then this is a great big red warning light for you to completely change your strategy. From that point of view you could look at the chronic stress as a helper, pointing you in the right direction.

I think it’s quite common to slip from an unnoticed “so so” state to a worse state - it’s quite natural in fact because it’s just a more developed version of feeling so so. That’s why it’s much better to catch it early and really develop the familiarity within a substantial feeling good. That’s what I’m working on at the moment.

[Vineeto]

Hi @Felix,

You are making some good observations.

Felix: One thing I think now is that if I want to be actually free, it follows that I wouldn’t choose to put myself in high pressure situations again and again …

I think it’s quite common to slip from an unnoticed “so so” state to a worse state - it’s quite natural in fact because it’s just a more developed version of feeling so so. That’s why it’s much better to catch it early and really develop the familiarity within a substantial feeling good. That’s what I’m working on at the moment. (link)

As you have reported that you have lived a long time in this intensity of stress it’s obvious that your sensors (like heat-sensors in the kitchen) need readjusting. Feeling “so so” is already a warning sight, it being on the slope to feeling bad, and you can adjust your sensors, i.e. your affective awareness, about how you experience this moment of being alive, to recognize this as the point to pay immediate attention to.

With some sincere (and often fascinating) contemplation (from the vantage point of feeling good) why you developed this stressful habit in the first place you can work out why you were compelled, again and again, “to put myself in high pressure situations again and again”.

Long-standing habits like this often have deep roots (for instance a survival strategy once deemed vital but which is no longer needed or even sensible/ salubrious now).

Once you experientially understand the affective/ instinctual root of this compulsive past habit, and thus expose it to the bright light of awareness, it loses its previously gripping influence so much so that you eventually will forget you ever had this habit/attitude in the first place. It is quite magical.

Cheers Vineeto

[jesus.carlos]

@Felix

Advice like getting massage and taking it easy is still good and sensible, but it can also endorse the idea that you need to accommodate the stressor within - rather than you needing to be the one way to feel good.

Makes sense! Of course I’m not advicing it like the solution, only a paliative when the body is already affected by the stress that ‘I’ caused because of ‘my’ identity instinctive and social programming. In order to help to get out of feeling bad it helps (at least in my experience) to look at the body effects and give it a break, or a boost. It can put ‘you’ in a better position to look the hole picture that you are describing so well. I’m totally aware that it is not the actualism method, only a paralell help.

@Felix

Whereas before I indeed I had the attitude that “I need to use actualism to get over the chronic stress” without reducing my workload or attending to my needs or making sensible decisions.

Yes! This hits me in the head, because I’ve been thinking in this way, that I can be able to do this difficult job thanks to actualism. Maybe interpreting wrong the Richard’s personal story with the hability to sustain a family and work 16 hours 6 days a week, and also be able to enjoy and appreciate and have PCEs while doing it. The situations are different and the capacity to manage them changes from person to person and time to time. But I think it’s also valid to think that anyone in any situation can apply the method succesfully…it doesn’t have conditions…

[Kub933]

Recently me and @Sonyaxx were in the process of looking for a house to buy. We’ve never bought a house before so it was perhaps something that could be labelled as ‘stressful territory’ maybe not as much as the kind of job you are describing @jesus.carlos but enough for a comparison😁.

Anyways it very fascinating to observe myself through the whole endeavour. Because there was a lot going on, a lot of bodily and brain activity. And yet I noticed that I could sustain it no problem day in day out. The interesting thing was that @Sonyaxx mentioned she needed a ‘brain rest’ after each bout of activity.

I found that essentially I could go non stop without any burn out. The reason for this was that although there was a lot going on, ‘I’ was virtually out of the picture. So even though there was all this activity requiring actual caloric energy, it was no problem, the thing was doing itself.

It made me think to exactly what Richard wrote about running a business and having a family etc whilst virtually free and I saw that I could do the same, and that there would be no stress to this.

The stress happens when ‘I’ insert myself into the picture, for no good reason at all.

[Kub933]

In fact this has become a bit of an inside joke between me and @Sonyaxx now. Whenever things appear to be complicated/stressful and apparently requiring ‘my’ planning, scheming etc

I always say “I’m just gonna let the universe do it” and it has worked perfectly so far, 10/10! ps it was always going to happen that way anyways

[Felix]

Im lying in the middle of a roundabout in a leafy Australian suburb near the bay.

And I’m feeling such appreciation.

I can’t believe how precious everything is - nothing is blunted by cynicism. Everything is good enough; and more than.

I feel a friendliness towards myself and everyone - like never before. It is such an ambrosial experience to feel such soft joy and benevolence.

I’m here with my dog, the sun radiating on my skin. A cool breeze. The palm trees above have an otherworldly quality - I must surely be in paradise and not the much-maligned suburb I currently reside in, often designated “povo” (Australian slang for poverty) by those who know it.

Tears stream down my face as stress sheds off me effortlessly like bark off a tree. It feels so natural, like something that happens at change of season.

And indeed it is a change of season within, for I am finally fully on board with being happy and harmless.

P,S How nice to have visitors contributing to my diary! @Kub933 @Vineeto @jesus.carlos

[Felix]

I am sitting out tonight, looking at the world:

I’ve had some complicated times the last couple of days. I’m going to go into the complication and then bring it back to some clarity I’m currently having.

My grandma died today and we’ve been at the hospital over a number of days.

I’ve also had some diet/health/exercise issues which can be surprisingly complicated. Physiological stress, balancing exercise and nutrition and sleep can go awry and cause problems: and the fact I’m still getting over the burnout state.::

It was all starting to look very complicated, I read an excerpt from feeling-being Vineeto which I wish I had found years earlier as it illustrates so clearly what my problem has been generally with my pursuit of actualism (trying too hard, putting too much pressure on myself).

It’s such a large amount of text that I won’t quote directly, but she describes various panic attacks and headaches and such like. Physical symptoms with roots in stress and anxiety.

Psychosomatic health problems of this sort have been a big part of my journey and it’s only now that I’m really diving into the psychological causes of things. Of course, some things are likely just a physiological response - such as a calorie deficit causing a stress response in the body. But I think there is in many ways still a psychological reaction (like a sort of panic in response to feeling a stress response).

In another section of the same page Vineeto describes “a certain pushy-ness, an almost violent attitude to progress at all costs, no matter what will happen” - this is something I’ve had in spades since the beginning and has been the biggest hindrance.

On the same page Vineeto then went on to talk about realising the non-actual nature of what she was experiencing, facilitated by HAIETMOBA.

“VINEETO: I had explored that area enough, I wanted to see what actuality there is without fear and beyond or beneath the psychic world. What I found is a magic, a stillness, unemotional, without excitement and strangely enough without ‘form’.”

This page has had a profound effect on me.

1. Firstly, seeing that Vineeto had those very same types of difficulties has really calmed me down about that. My physical health is always in the back of mind - I often worry that my pursuit of actualism has messed me up health wise etc etc - so reading about this kind of thing made me feel more normal and I realise I’ve given myself a very hard time about all of that.

2. Secondly, and more importantly, reading all this has taken me down a different route. I’ve been contemplating the difference between “real” and “actual” in my own perception as I walk, and as I sit here now. I’m getting closer to the roots of things than ever. There is naiveness.

Things have slowed down so much, way more than before. The physical world…it’s specialness and magicality. Things like the way the power lines gently buzz, the halo of light around street lamps. The rhythmic panting of my dog. It’s as if what has always been background is in the foreground. And conversely what has always been in the foreground, my own thoughts and feelings, is in the background.

This is something so different - and not at all what I’ve been aiming for in terms of “feeling good” (which has always had the sense of needing to control my way to making happiness the dominant emotion).

I would call this much more…emotionally neutral in one sense, even though there is no doubt that it feels good in an anhedonic way. The magical properties of the physical world coming to the fore is the main aspect. But as a secondary effect I feel way less neurotic, and way more safe.

It kind of gently oscillates between me feeling this gentle way, and going more towards the physical world being the interesting thing (and no longer my own thoughts/feelings).

Intuitively I can tell I’m starting to find this right track. It’s no longer a sense of “I need to do X” and whipping myself into action. Quite the opposite. Everything is slowing down.

I don’t want to write too much because I don’t want to activate myself back into the experience. But I did just want to get it down because significant changes are happening in my process and the subsequent results.

[Felix]

I’m starting to investigate feelings more deeply than before. Specifically feelings that used to cause a big barrier and cause me to run in the opposite direction.

Right now I’m feeling a lot of anxiety - and this is weird to say but I think I’ve had bad anxiety for a long time and left it quite unaddressed. Which is strange given my commitment to actualism.

I remember so many times at this point I would want to escape, which is where I think all those addiction issues came from. It was as if the anxiety caused an unconscious barrier - driving me all the time but somehow left untreated, mostly because it is so bad to feel and diverts away from itself.

I think in my case it’s like a part of me, the actualist identity part of me; would then push harder. I remember being discouraged so many times by the occurrence of feelings themselves, as if I had already failed just by having them. A poor self image and deep fear of failure only perpetuated this cycle.

Whereas now I’m not diverting away, I’m firmly with my anxious feelings, on the verge of being them. It’s quite scary but also thrilling to neither express nor repress in this way.

It’s also a relief because the nervous feelings are not “getting their way” like they usually do. There is a kind of confidence in the way the feelings are tamed when they are no longer being fought.

I no longer feel the subsequent pain either associated with failure, of having my desire for success be cruelly “scuppered” by the presence of such triggers. I can tell I’m doing something quite new here.

Looking at the anxiety itself, and what triggered it - one thing I’m always doing is looking at myself from outside. As if scoring myself on a checklist of what a successful life looks like. And getting all 0s.

Indeed having gone all in on actualism, with intensity, has meant I haven’t place much value on the things people normally want in life. I don’t think this is a bad thing per se but at the same time, by not making progress with actualism either, I was creating a situation in which my life looked sad or even dangerous to me. I felt I’m not safe, not secure - “I abandoned normal life for actualism and it’s not working…” kind of thing. Immense pressure to put on myself and the process.

But this is starting to change and I seem to be finding that self-sufficiency - not feeling abandoned for the fact of doing this alone and not being so thrown about crazily by intense feelings.

[Felix]

Ok have got back to feeling good, I just put that anxiety in a bind (less aggressive than it sounds) and since then am feeling way better.

I would say feeling a good deal better than I usually do in fact.

There’s something about the way you wake up, and you are already kind of triggered before you start. That mood just often stays with you and might get worse or better depending on what happens.

But if it gets worse like the anxiety I had, a proper investigation of that can really cause your mood to flip the other way. Very important to not let the anxiety push you in any directions or towards any behaviors (“watch it get up to all sorts of tricks”). I find when you do that it really goes nowhere.

I had tried to do that in previous years but I just felt too much at threat. I ran away. I thought I’d die or something like that. And indeed my hormones and everything were going insane.

It’s very different now. Everything is more even and I’m much more in control.

Now after that I’m feeling sincere but not at all serious which is a good sign for me, captain Serious!

I’m starting to identify some neurotic and anxious tendencies which have been lurking in the shadows for a loooooong time.

But to work one’s way into feeling good again after a turbulent investigation…What a thrill!

[Felix]

Posting a lot atm: i have time for actualism

One thing that has flown under my radar for a long time - how mean I am to myself.

I think I used the excuse for a long time, of knowing, intellectually, that there is no self, to be extremely harsh and demanding on myself.

As in “self love” is out the window - so there is free rein to hold myself to very high standards.

Big burnout risk factor that…and I would wager, perhaps one of the biggest things holding people back from progress.

Can you feel good, without being friendly to yourself? I don’t think so…

[Felix]

My perspective on things is really starting to change. This thing about holding myself to high standards - I’m becoming aware of it and dropping it.

And as a result I’m seeing how much of my daily mental energy is spent on that, on essentially “pushing myself” subconsciously for some perceived improvements that I need to make only after which I’ll ever agree to be happy.

I am never good enough, and I am always in this body, so how could this moment ever be perceived as perfect? It’s as if before, I was pushing away from every moment trying to get somewhere else, psychologically. Always about fixing myself and getting myself to achieve in some way. And always rendering this moment not good enough as a result.

Whereas seeing this, I’m starting to come into being here. I’m noticing a lot of change in the relationship with my environment. All the quotidian activities, which I’ve considered unimportant “duties” that I nevertheless have to perform - are starting to become more enjoyable, and more PCE-like because there is a lot less in the way.

[Felix]

I also think there is an “over-involvement” factor which has scuppered me a lot and probably others. This is where you get too involved and controlling and manipulative and driven in using the method.

For example, right now I’m in a good mood, and it’s quite uncaused, and I think if I started to think about it too much I’d almost lose it!

I think trying to “control” mood too much can cause a lot of anxiety with the method. Like trying to “sit” on this moment and command/demand a certain mood.

If you are focusing on it being this moment all the time but overall not really feeling good most of the time then something is going awry, no? Choosing to feel good should not be conflated with commanding oneself to feel good.

I’m dropping that kind of effort which doesn’t work anyway and focusing on an authentic feeling good - that arrives organically - and tracing back if I lose it.

Didn’t Vineeto say at one point, when you are in a good mood you don’t need to ask yourself why?

One thing I think worked well for @geoffrey is that it wasn’t like he needed this all so bad. His attempts to have a PCE were more about curiosity (correct me if I’m wrong here!). He had a take it or leave it approach to having PCEs and was not going to cajole or abandon himself for stuff not working.

This is a friendly and curious approach - in strong contrast to my historically very determined and serious approach.

I feel happy right now and that’s more than good enough. I don’t need to kick myself for every moment I’m not in a PCE

[Felix]

my experience lately has become VERY stable - as in pleasant and unencumbered

So much interference has come to an end in the last couple of days…

I feel like I’m starting to see the world around me very clearly. Not PCE clear but nevertheless with a whole lot out of the way and spontaneous instances of excellence.

This has made life so much more easy and enjoyable.

I think my psyche is finally letting go of anxiety and enjoying and appreciating instead.

It’s very much about letting the senses sense, lightly caressing eyes etc (this would not be possible without close awareness of “interstitial” feelings)

Safety and pleasure are coming to the fore…even as an identity I can relax - it’s working