Felix's Diary

Journals
239

(Written an hour before on my phone). I just had a blink and you’ll miss it PCE. Hard to write about it. Like the other experience I reported - I don’t know what it is or what the territory is.

I am blown away. Just 1-2 seconds, of total clarity, perfection freedom.

I had a stressful client call tonight, and I was absolutely shocked at myself. Nothing went wrong on the call, but emotionally, within, seeing just how INSECURE I am. Like crazy levels. And not just feeling insecurity but being insecurity.

Now I can see there is no crossover between the feeling being and the PCE

1 Like
240

It keeps happening. I cannot believe it lol. The veil keeps slipping.

I’m not trying to continue it when it does happen. If I’ve proven aaannnyyything it’s how trying hard gets you nowhere in this.

All I’m doing is being sincere. I have no method, no skill or strategy, and no clue what I’m doing.

But it keeps happening. So clear, so fun, so pristine. And then I go back to being a feeling being for a bit, forget it happened essentially; and then round the corner BAM.

Much more vivid and “in your face” than what I usually imagined of the PCE. Dynamic, vibrant, easeful, fun and even down to earth yet incredible exciting to experience

5 Likes
241

I’ve started to see a lot of stuff about myself, and how I have been the one blocking myself.

I’ve always had the feeling of wanting to be actually free so bad but being “held back” by obstacles which I felt were much more complex and difficult to surmount than those described by others so far.

And of course there are “real” obstacles that you face as an identity doing this. It’s part of the process, one that people might cunningly skip over, because it is indeed scary and dramatic - and one is pretty much alone in doing it. I know in my case, one seemed to understand the burnout, the nervous system exhaustion, the trauma, the sex addiction, the ill health etc etc etc - except to say “feel good”. Which seemed like telling someone on fire to take a few deep breaths!

It became clear that I was someone who ostensibly wanted to become actually free more than anyone else in the world, but at the same time I was just simply unwilling/unable to feel good. And in my ‘automatic’ state I have felt a constant pull towards creating nervous system activation, as if addicted to anxiety and excitement at the same time. Terrible but the distraction and escape which produced these effects was somehow badly wanted.

It’s taken a lot of intention to get familiar with these obstacles and understand this entire web of social identity issues, feeling/belief clusters and even physiological effects that have catapulted me around from left to right. In fact more than just identifying the issues or being familiar with them, I’ve had to get way deeper with it to have any chance of untangling myself from them. Some of them were so shameful and perverse and silly and addictive/repetitive and seemingly rare (things I hadn’t heard reported by others) that it made them so hard to look at and address. Others of them felt so “pre-established”, so axiomatic to who I am that trying to undo those beliefs was like trying to disprove 2+2. In other words, I truly believed these things that were the objects of my own abuse! These beliefs seemed deeply coded into my nervous system, propelling me headlong into the same old situations and feeling states I professed as an actualist to want to avoid. Like saying “I don’t want to hit myself in the face with this hammer” and then doing it straight after (or even at the same time!). Encountering and undoing one’s own cunningness is very difficult…

Desiring actual freedom at identity level is simply not enough to achieve progress. The intent to feel good needs to penetrate one’s whole being, that nothing else will be accepted within the integrated system. You can’t blame parts of you for not playing along - you need to take out the magnifying glass and really figure out what’s going on. This is complicated when many different issues are connected together into a total tangle. In my case I have had to understand that while I like feeling good, I didn’t want feeling good. There were other things I wanted much more, like power, status, security, love, perfect circumstances, a perfect body, immortality…anything to cure the ocean of insecurity llinside of me. Anything but feeling good.

I have had to fail SO hard at all of that, and look at all of that (as much as I didn’t want to), to get to a place of authentically choosing to feel good. And once in a feeling good state it’s remarkable how those things which totally ran one’s psyche before become obsolete and powerless. Until they crop up again at least…I find even one’s own values change when feeling good - the powerful and nefarious instincts are no longer poisoning the well and benevolence is invited in, quite automatically.

Feeling good becomes a value in itself from this vantage point, and is felt to be something incredibly valuable to have and to share. It creates a whole new way of looking at the world and being in the world - all because oneself has changed as the lens through which everything is experienced and perceived. I have been the block all along. Which we always knew but it’s weird to see how true it is…

2 Likes
242

Yes this is so important, @claudiu’s recent post to @Felipe invited me to see this for myself. To experientially ascertain just how precious feeling good is.

Then further from there it becomes clear why one gets back to feeling good first before investigation, because once feeling good is in place all those dramas that ‘I’ get involved in are seen for the small potatoes that they are, as you say - feeling good becomes a value in itself. Essentially you get to see that feeling good is way more precious than any of those dramas that ‘I’ previously held dear.

Perhaps the reason why this can be hard to see initially is because Actualism is reduced to merely a ‘positive thinking philosophy’ or ‘don’t worry, be happy’ mentality.

2 Likes
243

I’m starting to feel good more and more often. Right now I’m experiencing the clarity and coziness and delight of feeling good - total safety and fun at the same time. Where is the anxious and stressed state I’m so familiar with? And did I take a drug? (no :sweat_smile:)

I always wanted to feel good but could seemingly never ever manage it. I was just in the way from dawn till dusk - and I came at actualism like a bull out of a gate! Like I was going to bend it to my will haha. But it went the other way. I got punished over and over and totally exhausted until I got the message. Now it’s like feeling good is bending me to “its will”, which is thankfully an utterly benevolent one. I am gladly going along with this state of affairs, which is amazing, as I had started (or never ended) to worry that the wide and wondrous path maybe didn’t exist outside of my fantasy.

Part of the “secret” of actualism seems to be that the road is only wide once you are past a lot of your own obstacles. In my case the entrance to the road might as well have been a pinhole. I remember Geoffrey saying something similar back in the day. I don’t mean to make it sound hard, I’m just stating how it was for me.

I think part of what creates this effect (the impossibility of feeling good when not, and the impossibility of not feeling good when doing so) is the momentum that feeling states have. When you are anxious or stressed or anything else it feels like that will go in perpetuity - like nothing else could ever be possible. And it’s the biggest challenge to disrupt what’s already the case. These feeling states want to lock you into them, and they have the power to make that happen…especially in the way they nest themselves within your identity (the perfect hiding place). In my experience it’s not just a matter of wanting to feel good and getting that automatically. In my experience, at least, it’s almost impossible if you don’t investigate very thoroughly and with a LOT of understanding and friendliness towards yourself. I know temperament comes into it too and I always very driven and ambitious.

By the same token, feeling good has momentum too - right now I feel it will never end. It would almost be impossible to conjure a feeling to ruin this delightful state right now, because feeling good is just too delicious and “me” and “it” are one. It’s almost like letting the universe play me like a saxophone. It’s a kind of frequency that you tap into, but not by force, like I always wanted to. It’s a real catch 22 that wanting actual freedom too badly will really, really not work.

I know I used to write a lot about “actively enjoying” etc but what I was really trying to do back then was to go over the self….like trying to override my real desires and feelings and instincts and resentment for being alive by brute force. It’s not the way. You can’t pretend that the self is not there, and then abuse it or suppress it or manipulate it to get some outcome. The self needs to be treated with care, graciously and gently like you’d treat a little kid almost. It will cling so hard to what it thinks it wants with a powerful grip, and investigating is a way of gently prying it’s toys away from its little hands.

Anyway I don’t want to talk like I’ve finished the journey, it seems it’s just starting! Just wanted to jot down some thoughts on my merry way.

1 Like
244

Hi @Felix,

This is a very good description of your struggles with the actualism method and the insights you obtained from it what to do and especially what not to do.

Felix: Part of the “secret” of actualism seems to be that the road is only wide once you are past a lot of your own obstacles. In my case the entrance to the road might as well have been a pinhole. I remember Geoffrey saying something similar back in the day. I don’t mean to make it sound hard, I’m just stating how it was for me.

Given that you say “the entrance to the road might as well have been a pinhole” – perhaps this very simple suggestion might help you to find the wide and wondrous path in future. When some strong emotion occurs, mark this as a flashing red light.

Red light in traffic means STOP. Not just go slow but stop. Don’t cross the road when the red light is flashing, not in traffic and not in the actualism method. Before thinking about the trigger, the emotion, the problem, do whatever you can to get to feeling neutral, then to feeling (reasonably) good. Play a game, have a shower, have a cuppa, anything to get to feeling neutral.

Then, and only then, you can try to contemplate the silliness of feeling bad –

[Respondent]: How does the mere seeing how silly it is make us happy once again?
[Richard]: Because nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth getting malicious or miserable about (let alone compensatingly loving and compassionate) when the realisation that this moment is the only one there ever is becomes the actuality it already always is. (List D, No. 11, 24 Nov 09)

Only when you feel good and you can look at the problem, which caused you to feel bad, in a dispassionate way, only then your contemplation and investigation and puzzling things out is worthwhile and can lead to some sensible results and even resolution.

Felix: I know I used to write a lot about “actively enjoying” etc but what I was really trying to do back then was to go over the self….like trying to override my real desires and feelings and instincts and resentment for being alive by brute force. It’s not the way. You can’t pretend that the self is not there, and then abuse it or suppress it or manipulate it to get some outcome. The self needs to be treated with care, graciously and gently like you’d treat a little kid almost. It will cling so hard to what it thinks it wants with a powerful grip, and investigating is a way of gently prying it’s toys away from its little hands.

That is spot on. “ You can’t pretend that the self is not there” because that pretence is the self, creating its own duplicate, pretending to having a fight with itself – in order to distract you from feeling good. It’s a pure diversion tactic. Once you wake up to this cunning pattern, it will be easier not to fall for the same trick over and over again :blush:

I wouldn’t say that “the self needs to be treated with care”, as if you and the self are not one and the same, rather that you need to learn to be a friend to yourself. That means sometimes it (which is ‘you’) needs gentle guidance via pure intent, sometimes ‘you’, the more sensible adult needs to step in to call an end to a tantrum-throwing angry child. Calling an end means STOP, as described above.

I wish you great success.

Cheers Vineeto

245

Hi Felix,

That is truly wonderful news!

Just a few things to add to Vineeto’s excellent message.

First I would take this opportunity to advise you to explicitly direct your attention to appreciating what is happening for you right now. As I wrote to Kuba recently:

I would heartily recommend all the recent posts surrounding this topic of appreciation, starting from James' Journal - #398 by Vineeto and onward, as this can really propel you forward once you are already at this very worthy stage of “experiencing the clarity and coziness and delight of feeling good”.

The other main thing I wanted to draw your attention to is the matter of will, intention, and the role this plays in actualism, because it is a very important one.

What I have found, and the further I go down the path the more I find it is true, a fact, is that I am my feelings and my feelings are me. Any way that I feel about anything, it ultimately is up to me, it is my deep-down choice as to how to feel. The act of feeling the feeling is equivalent to me wanting to feel that feeling. How could it be any other way? As I am those feelings, it is not possible to feel something I do not, deep-down, want to feel.

You wrote:

What you have found out is that you cannot “override [your] real desires and feelings and instincts”. This is completely correct. The missing piece is that the ‘you’ that is trying to override those “desires and feelings and instincts” is not all of ‘you’. It is only a very small, essentially cognitive “ego” piece that is sitting atop a mountain that is the entirety of ‘you’, which is affective, emotional, and psychic[1] in nature.

So how can it be your choice how to feel if you cannot control how you feel? The key is that you are those “real desires and feelings and instincts” that you were trying to override. The key to being able to redirect that energy more and more into feeling good, is seeing that this is the case. This is where sincerity comes into play – it comes down to allowing yourself to see precisely why you have those desires, feelings, and instincts in the first place. Once you see the actual reason you feel that way, then you will be able to have a conscious say in the matter.

I think of it as bringing what is subconscious up towards the conscious. This can often be rocky and tumultuous because we all have an ideal of how we want to be, which does not match how we actually are – the social conditioning has evolved specifically to suppress and redirect those malicious and sorrowful impulses so we can be relatively well-functioning members of society. Thus there is an inherent conflict in them, and allowing yourself to see what appears to be the ugly belly of the beast that ‘you’ (and ‘I’ and all feeling-beings) actually are, can be challenging. But the delightful thing, what really allows you to do this safely, guided by pure intent, is that since those deep-down desires are you… you actually have a choice in the matter! Once you allow yourself to see it, then you can allow yourself to choose feeling good instead.

This may seem too abstract, so I’ll leave you to ask yourself this question: as you are feeling good now, do you want to be feeling good? And if you really didn’t want to be feeling good, do you think you would be?

I would re-consider this in light of the above, seeing that this “self” that you have talked about in the third-person and referred to as “it”, is actually the you, the Felix that is reading these words right now. You can thus be gentle with yourself, be ok with the fact that you like these “toys” and are holding onto them with a “powerful grip”, and then you can begin to gently investigate just what it is you actually have to gain by keeping these toys around, and what you fear you might lose if you don’t.

I would counter and say that not wanting it enough is what will really, really not work. The key is to want it in a sincere, aka aligned way – with both the upper egoic pieces of you and the deeper soulful pieces all wanting it. You have seen just part of you wanting it doesn’t work – excellent! Now you can proceed with getting all of you on board, bit by bit, starting from where you are at and taking things one at a time.

The more success you have, the more you feel good, the more you feel good the more you can appreciate how good feeling good is, the more you appreciate how good feeling good is the more you want to feel good, which then fuels your intent and allows you to go further and further.

What a blast it all is!

With cheers & whole-hearted encouragement,
Claudiu

  1. (as in: ‘of the psyche’) ↩︎

2 Likes
246

One brief addendum, you wrote (emphasis added):

I want to highlight that you report being able to “tap into” this “kind of frequency” of feeling good. Being able to tap into it implies having some wilful (as in conscious) control over it, does it not?

And this is precisely the key. You have figured out that you do have a conscious choice in feeling good – it is just that choosing feeling good does not happen in the way you “always wanted to”, but rather happens in a different way than you thought it would. Yet it does happen!

It seems like a promising avenue of contemplation to wonder exactly how you are able to tap into this – exploring it in a curious manner and nourishing it may well lead to you being able to do it more and more.

Cheers,
Claudiu

3 Likes
247

Hey @Vineeto and @claudiu

It was really nice to read your messages of support and encouragement and advice. One thing I find, as I go along, is that I’m getting a lot softer and regulated and actually able to “absorb” care from others, it’s really nice. Thanks.

One thing I’m starting to see a LOT of is the role of shame in hampering real investigation. Identifying as the thinker, and too scared and ashamed to face my “dangerous” feelings, I only ever knew how to beat myself up and suppress unwanted emotions. I felt and believed deep down I was just too bad, an irredeemable “lost cause” who couldn’t live up to Richard or the goal of being happy and harmless. And I had all the feelings to back it up.

Now I’m going a whole ‘nother route - and it feels great. As my regular self I’m becoming caring, considerate and emotionally available - things I had never been in my whole life haha. I plan to write more about my “story” later in case it’s helpful for others.

As for actualism, I’ve also been having peak experiences more regularly - and this is doing more work to undo emotional ties and habits than analysis ever could! This is a very intuitive route compared to what I was doing before.

Last night for example I had an EE of about 1.5 hours. It all started with feeling good, but I wasn’t trying to have anything happen - just went for a walk at night.

Slowly but surely, the world around started to transform, and become much more mystical and magical - fairytale in nature. I couldn’t believe the integration between the “man made” world of houses and cars with the throbbing organic/“natural” world of exotic trees and shrubbery in the area where I currently reside.

I noted the absolute solidity of the world around me, and it was hard to consider that those typical feelings I have had over the years even exist, as the physical/sensory world around me was just all too apparent and obvious, as well as friendly and inviting.

This solidity and safety was further enabled by my own internal state, which was incredibly happy-go-lucky and clean as if not burdened by anything. There was no need to control my actions, or decide which direction to go or anything like that.

At certain times the infinitude of the universe become briefly unveiled, as I found my experience became totally stripped of context. No before and after, and certainly no “here” or “there” - it was quite thrilling to experience.

Coming back to normal life, this EE has allowed me to up-level, and not fall back into the same old. I can feel that my brain is starting to understand more and more what is working and what isn’t (on a somewhat rudimentary “hotter” or “colder” basis). As such feeling bad feels wrong, and is much easier to untie - especially by tracing back to last night.

Anyway just wanted to drop a line. Cheers!

5 Likes
248

Hi Felix,

Thank you for your appreciation and the message full of good news.

Felix: One thing I’m starting to see a LOT of is the role of shame in hampering real investigation. Identifying as the thinker, and too scared and ashamed to face my “dangerous” feelings, I only ever knew how to beat myself up and suppress unwanted emotions. I felt and believed deep down I was just too bad, an irredeemable “lost cause” who couldn’t live up to Richard or the goal of being happy and harmless. And I had all the feelings to back it up.

Now that you are feeling good, even excellent, and with a memory of an outstanding EE only yesterday – can you recognize how shame and feeling ashamed is a mere tactic of you the feeling being, to distract you from changing?
And can you also comprehend, how equally your belief that you are “an irredeemable “lost cause” who couldn’t live up to Richard” is a habit, initially a survival habit, which is now no longer necessary nor beneficial to maintain? If you can understand this as a realization then you can decline this belief each time you become aware of it … and in one scoop two large obstacles will be removed and allow you to “not fall back into the same old”.

Coming back to normal life, this EE has allowed me to up-level, and not fall back into the same old. I can feel that my brain is starting to understand more and more what is working and what isn’t (on a somewhat rudimentary “hotter” or “colder” basis). As such feeling bad feels wrong, and is much easier to untie - especially by tracing back to last night.
Anyway just wanted to drop a line. Cheers!

Yes! That is exactly it – “feeling bad feels wrong” and a clear indicator towards more and more enjoying and appreciating being here and being alive right now.

It’s wonderful to behold.

Cheers Vineeto

1 Like
249

Just a short note to say I experienced a similar issue with shame … it was a barrier i hadnt recognised that was in the way of me being able to welcome my feelings and from there begin to have more freedom to investigate and bring to light those parts of me i was otherwise suppressing.

1 Like
250

Forgive the enigmatic post.

Just wanted to say that today my entire place in the world has shifted
It’s like I reached the very limit of my solutions, and being all out of ammunition, I could only give in to the ease and delight of being here.

This feeling good state arose so naturally, and had no airs or pretence. There was no neediness to it, or doubt, or self castigation, or frustration, or burn out, or anything else.

I stood there and questioned, from this point of view, my whole orientation towards life. Not in some mindfucky way, but just a kind of “noticing” of that feeling good quality. Why couldn’t this be my default state?

This was very matter of fact, not having to “reach” for something ethereal or divine. Clarity and sensibility came in and cleaned up a lot of stuff. I realised this actualism thing is not so damn serious. My life isn’t so damn serious. And I did not have to be the absolute genius of the world or climb a metaphorical Mt Everest in order to just be here. I saw it was more like a subtle shift in adjustment that was needed.

Not a big deal…no need for pressure.

Now some whole other process is happening, a process I didn’t think was even there or available. I can’t really write more because I have to see what happens haha.

But it’s something like….i am becoming the instrument of feeling good. Or I am allowing feeling good to take over me. Something like that.

Some of my biggest issues that I have struggled with for YEARS are seemingly just gone. Issues that made life deeply painful. Even the pursuit of actualism itself was immensely exhausting and fraught. I reached ultimate burnout even when I was “doing all the right things”.

I realise now my whole orientation was wrong. I’ll try to explain more later

Ah Richard you were right, thanks :pray:

9 Likes
251

Oo is it that we have another joiner of the out-from-control club? Welcome, if so! And if not yet then, I highly encourage you to keep going in that direction, it is quite a fun ride! :grin:

2 Likes
252

Felix: Just wanted to say that today my entire place in the world has shifted.
It’s like I reached the very limit of my solutions, and being all out of ammunition, I could only give in to the ease and delight of being here.
This feeling good state arose so naturally, and had no airs or pretence. There was no neediness to it, or doubt, or self castigation, or frustration, or burn out, or anything else.

Hi Felix,

This is great. It looks it “arose so naturally” … but you also know why it happened – you “reached the very limit of my solutions”.

This is worth printing and sticking on your fridge as a reminder. Whenever ‘your’ solutions, i.e. your habitual reactions and responses, don’t work to make you feel good and delightful, stand still and allow the shift, and allow to happen what has happened today.

I remember that similar shifts happened to you a few times before, but you forgot, or didn’t recognize how they came about, and eventually your habitual responses took over and introduced stress and seriousness again. This time you can pay attention at the slightest diminishment of your present state of feeling good and catch it at the beginning before it can slip and revert back to the serious, stressful way of life.

This “noticing” is nothing serious, just a bit of attention, now that you know again how good it feels to feel good. With an intent to keep feeling good and paying attention you can keep feeling good.

Felix: I stood there and questioned, from this point of view, my whole orientation towards life. Not in some mindfucky way, but just a kind of “noticing” of that feeling good quality. Why couldn’t this be my default state?

Exactly, why couldn’t it! Now you can actualize this realization in this matter-of-fact way you experience today.

Felix: This was very matter of fact, not having to “reach” for something ethereal or divine. Clarity and sensibility came in and cleaned up a lot of stuff. I realised this actualism thing is not so damn serious. My life isn’t so damn serious. And I did not have to be the absolute genius of the world or climb a metaphorical Mt Everest in order to just be here. I saw it was more like a subtle shift in adjustment that was needed.
Not a big deal…no need for pressure.

Yes, and that is the very proof that you have all the tools – the intelligence, the basic understanding which is needed to reach this “subtle shift in adjustment” … now the question is, do you have the right amount of (non-serious but sincere) intent to keep it going and make feeling good indeed your “default state”?

You can do it if you want it ♫♪ ♫ ♪

Cheers Vineeto

4 Likes
253

Hey Vineeto,

Glad to report that what is happening now is not a repetition of the same cycles I have experienced for the last 4 or 5 years.

There are two things happenings:

  1. I seem to have brought my ongoing “chronic stress condition”, with its concomitant escape/addiction issues (mainly sexual) and warped perceptions to an end, at last.

In a nutshell…and without wanting to make it sound too easy….you could say I FINALLY learned to decline to go down my usual self-sabotaging routes.

Since then, feeling good has been arising very easily - which is all quite simple and delightful.

I’m just inviting it more and more, which is as much about staying out of the way and not getting triggered than anything else.

I’m reminded how Richard once told me his main goal using the actualism method originally was “to not get triggered”. That makes a LOT of sense now - it is just so much easier to be feeling good first and then avoid triggers.

Whereas before, I was in fact a traumatised psyche - effectively “permatriggered” - and so there was (seemingly) no place of safe feeling good to aim for or go back to.

  1. My overall “window” into the world, seen through my eyes but experienced in a 3D physical sense, is totally changing.

My nervous system has relaxed, I feel much more comfortable in my body and everything around me is much more pleasurable. I am experiencing that holiday feeling. It’s amazing to experience myself so differently and so all of a sudden. The deep fears that were lashing and lacerating me with stress minute in minute out are gone and I’m starting to feel rejuvenated and healthy.

Now that I’m getting used to feel good it’s making it a lot easier to “rewire” myself. Letting go of beliefs is much much easier, as affectively I am no longer tied to them, indulging them or enslaved to them.

Now, in a relaxed way I’m making sure I don’t go back to my old ways.

I wouldn’t want to anyway.

5 Likes
254

Felix: Hey Vineeto,
Glad to report that what is happening now is not a repetition of the same cycles I have experienced for the last 4 or 5 years.
There are two things happenings:

  1. I seem to have brought my ongoing “chronic stress condition”, with its concomitant escape/addiction issues (mainly sexual) and warped perceptions to an end, at last.

In a nutshell…and without wanting to make it sound too easy….you could say I FINALLY learned to decline to go down my usual self-sabotaging routes.
Since then, feeling good has been arising very easily – which is all quite simple and delightful.
I’m just inviting it more and more, which is as much about staying out of the way and not getting triggered than anything else.
Whereas before, I was in fact a traumatised psyche – effectively “permatriggered” – and so there was (seemingly) no place of safe feeling good to aim for or go back to.

Hi @Felix,

What good tidings! According to your report you seem to have said a final goodbye to your “chronic stress condition” due to your “escape/addiction issues”. What an incredible success. After all, you had indulged in it and suffered from it long enough to have grown tired of it and finally “learned to decline”.

Well done. And now the next stage – to get used to “not getting triggered” so that you can continue feeling good. :slight_smile:

Felix: I’m reminded how Richard once told me his main goal using the actualism method originally was “to not get triggered”. That makes a LOT of sense now – it is just so much easier to be feeling good first and then avoid triggers.
My overall “window” into the world, seen through my eyes but experienced in a 3D physical sense, is totally changing.
My nervous system has relaxed, I feel much more comfortable in my body and everything around me is much more pleasurable. I am experiencing that holiday feeling. It’s amazing to experience myself so differently and so all of a sudden. The deep fears that were lashing and lacerating me with stress minute in minute out are gone and I’m starting to feel rejuvenated and healthy.

This sounds truly wonderful. The great thing is that despite your long “chronic stress condition” you still remember how the actualism method works and now you can finally benefit putting it into practice.

Now is the right time, the “holiday feeling” time, to get used to being attentive enough to avoid any triggers, and if they do happen to get back to feeling good as quickly as possible.

Felix: Now that I’m getting used to feel good it’s making it a lot easier to “rewire” myself. Letting go of beliefs is much much easier, as affectively I am no longer tied to them, indulging them or enslaved to them.
Now, in a relaxed way I’m making sure I don’t go back to my old ways.
I wouldn’t want to anyway.

This is an excellent plan, this is the meaning of what you do “in the meantime” … to enjoy and appreciate, and this way life can only get better and better.

I am so pleased for you, you had given yourself such a hard time.

Cheers Vineeto

4 Likes
255

Hi Felix! Could you share a little about how you managed to overcome this condition? What helped you, do it?

I ask because I have recently been diagnosed with the same thing. Apparently chronic stress resulting from 9 years of working in public service, in a very demanding job that requieres attention almost the 7 days of the week. And although I no longer have that job (my position ended a month ago), symptoms of physical fatigue continue to occur even when waking up after 8 hours of sleeping. Although lately I have been better, because through affective attentiveness I have been able to stop, in an increasingly expeditious manner, when I notice that the general state of stress has been triggered by some thought, worry, imagination or daydream. Sometimes it seems like it goes off for no reason, but I tend to distrust that first impression and look for the hidden cause. Normally I have found something very obvious for an actualist: I lost the awareness that this is the only moment of being alive and therefore, the possibility of enjoying and appreciating it.

I look forward to hearing your findings on this. Greetings!

3 Likes
256

Hey @jesus.carlos - not ignoring you, I’ll try and get back to you with a deeper answer on that . It’s slightly complex because it ties in with my whole actualism journey, that I’m still on, and we’re different too so don’t want to lead you astray either.

I’ll just say one thing about stress. To me it seems very much adjacent to anxiety. With anxiety there is a sense of shutting down (withdrawing/“failing”), whereas with stress it’s more like you feel anxious but you push on regardless (striving/“trying to succeed”). If you do this continually, it becomes a habit and easily turns into a chronic stress condition.

I’m about to write more about what’s caused me stress so you might find it helpful

3 Likes
257

I have taken a break from work, and a break from eeeeeeveerything - purely to have the time and space to figure out what’s going on with me.

It’s a bit of a scary decision because it affects income etc, but I’m fine, and so much of the propensity to keep working comes from atavistic fears. Most people always divert to the homeless argument as if it’s either “work yourself to death” or “be homeless” with nothing in between. Obviously bypassing the fact that it’s the feeling being within that is determining qualitative experience, much more so than circumstances.

I am finding this time extremely helpful. Being constantly distracted by running my own business - which is a 24/7 thing - means you always have an excuse for why you are stressed. It’s similar to what Richard said about exercise diverting attention away from “the stressor within”. I know Richard talked about how you could still work, and I’m not saying you can’t, but that doesn’t mean you have to either. For me this time completely alone is really helping me look at how I operate.

Probably the biggest thing I’ve found is this. So much of my “determination” and “drive” to pursue actualism has been driven by FEAR. This fear points away from itself oh so cunningly….I’d even wake up already stressed, and then of course you feel fearful and want to escape. Which can either be something actualism related or something completely different.

For me it has pointed me towards being intense about actualism, being very very hard on myself, and trying as hard as possible. And then of course some off the wall psychosexual antics, as a means of escaping the whole hell scape I created.

The clear seeing of this was completely evading me before. And now I’m thinking, how did I not identify this?(???) haha. It’s so obvious in retrospect, but that’s also because I have been able to INTEGRATE this fear, to examine it, to know it, to feel it and to rid myself of it. When the fear was there, it totally blinded me. I was looking everywhere else. “Im not good enough” “I’m not smart enough” “I’m not sincere enough” leading to putting more and more pressure on myself about actualism and a million other normal life things too. “Im a fuck up” “I’m sick” “I’m lost” “No one wants to be with me” “I’m not making any progress”.

It was scary to experience the physical symptoms of fear and anxiety all the time, and that’s what I was focused on. I was wanting the SYMPTOMS to go away, as if the cause was unknown. Like wondering why your boat is leaking. I had a lot of physical symptoms as well which made it even more distracting. Plus a full time business etc etc.

The thing is though my feelings were not expressing themselves in thought form. My thoughts were all of the actualist variety. I deceived myself into thinking I was being positive about life, not resentful etc because on an identity level I was wearing the clothes of actualism, but underneath I was a scared resentful feeling being.

This was my way of trying to put a lid on the feeling being. To not be caring toward myself or others. This lack of friendliness within caused my nervous system to absolutely tighten and freeze and lock up - pretty much on an ongoing basis. I just wanted to shut everything down and “achieve” what I needed to. I didn’t want to mess things up so I ignored myself.

Now, I feel I am finally doing something different. There is a sensitivity, an
attentiveness and a WILLINGNESS to just try in a sincere way, without pressure, but plenty of intent. I can feel it all pulling into one energy, it’s very open, and integrated.

I feel more naive, and way more experimental. No longer believing what feelings tell me are the case and just being blocked. But going beyond the block.

I wonder if that’s the case for many of the people on here that there is some block there that they are just seeing as being all too real. Feelings can make it look like attentiveness has no power, like you’re trying to saw through concrete. “Sure I’d love to feel good but I can’t cause I’m feeling X”. For me it was burnout - could never get past those feelings of just being totally stressed and wiped out.

So then feeling blocked you might be like “I need to read more of the website”, or “I need to understand X concept” or you might plan out some sort of map of progress (of course putting self immolation way out in the future because you believe yourself to be far from it). For me it was making myself private enemy no. 1 - I started trying to push all these ideals on myself of being a good person, never complaining, doing what Im supposed to, ignoring feeling bad because really no one is there etc.

Lately I feel my guard is coming down. My nervous system is relaxing (frequently this causes some hot tears). There’s a sense of possibility, of fun, of opportunity. I am gathering intent, I’m excited at the possibility of self immolation. I’m (mostly) not kicking myself for the mistakes I’ve made so far with all this.

I have been hunting myself for not being able to turn “myself” into a good person. I’m starting to see that’s the whole game, I’m seeing the limits of being a self - that there is no winning. Why have I tried my whole life to be a winner then? Attempting that is pure stress.

I feel ready to do something else, to lose almost, as an action. And it’s like I can feel some support there, that I won’t be “alone in this endeavour”. That it’s possible.

8 Likes
258

I’m experiencing so much emotional clarity. Such that it doesn’t feel emotional haha. What’s clear is everything visually and sensually.

Usually I go out on my “PCE walks” and I feel weighed down, tired, nothing happening, wanting to distract myself - now that I’ve seen this anxiety thing, I’m so clear. Like I’ve taken the world’s best antidepressant.

I’m starting to see myself so much more clearly too - like the little triggers and such come up - it’s so much easier to get back to feeling good. The method is really making sense now because a stable feeling good is there to go back to, no longer marred or sullied by deep causes unknown to me.

I now longer feel a victim of tragic circumstance (knowing about actual freedom but don’t being able to do it). Feeling bad feels like a choice for the first time.

My addiction issue comes up and it’s easy as pie to decline or realise I’m being “dull and degenerate” and get back to the fun.

I feel potent and alive with potential that I don’t need to control too much (apart from knowing I don’t want to feel bad when it happens).

I feel light like I’ve lost 300kgs. There’s a spring in my step, and a lovely (measured) confidence that comes from feeling good

7 Likes