So reading @Felix’s recent post - Felix's Diary - #247 by Felix specifically the below :
Now I’m going a whole ‘nother route - and it feels great. As my regular self I’m becoming caring, considerate and emotionally available
This made me consider how I experience myself lately, something that I have noticed the past week or so is that I do not have the capacity to become sharp or severe anymore, and this has been pressure tested by various circumstances.
But the fascinating thing is how solid this change has been, as in there has not been a single instance in the past week or so when I have become sharp, severe or otherwise fell into a mood. As @claudiu wrote there are times when a powerful affective current (which is ‘me’) can be raging through and yet somehow it is crippled - it doesn’t have the capacity to morph into a full blown psychological operation (how ‘I’ would usually experience ‘myself’), so all in all it seems virtually impossible to get into a mood.
Which means those times are now opportunities to explore the depths of ‘my’ being. What is becoming clear though is that at some point ‘I’ have to go in ‘my’ entirety, that no matter how well ‘I’ resolve whatever remaining dramas, ‘I’ will still remain as a feeling being. It seems this is the benefit of going thus far in purifying ‘myself’. Seeing that ultimately ‘I’ still remain as a feeling being, that this cannot be chipped away at, that it can only be eliminated as a whole.