Claudiu's Journal

Claudiu: Then I wonder what the next objection is and I have trouble finding one – or in other words like there isn’t really one. Although there must be something else it would have happened?
Might be more about finding additional reasons and/or motivation to take the final step. A huge one was identifying the pattern I have to withdraw and go into a complete “not caring” anymore, just turning away from a situation or a problem. I saw in a flash just how deeply depraved that actually is, and how I don’t want to do that anymore in my life – and it appears to have disappeared entirely!

Hi Claudiu,

This is a significant pattern to have identified and it’s a very common reaction (strongly conditioned and upheld by society as well) mainly for males and a lot of females too. And it is not easy to talk about it because when you withdraw, you naturally don’t communicate.

The “not caring” is of course only a defensive front because if in such a situation you really didn’t care you would not have to withdraw from feeling hurt. It is indeed “depraved” not in its moral meaning (bad, sordid or wicked), but in the sense of “depraving you” from being able to resolve the problem and not get triggered again in a similar situation. It is also “depraving you” from experiencing intimacy with your fellow human beings each time it comes into play.

So it is really wonderful that you say “it appears to have disappeared entirely” – just be attentive if/when a habitual reoccurrence wants to manifest.

Claudiu: Also for the longest time there was a little actualist voice in my head (that was ‘me’ of course) telling me that I should proceed, coaxing me along, imploring me, giving the feeling or appearance of this being an ‘important’ (as in ‘serious’) thing, essentially making a drama out of it – and now I see that that’s silly, totally unnecessary. Maybe it helped in the past but it just doesn’t seem to be a useful thing anymore! […]
And yet even though it is not ‘important’ as in ‘serious’ – and there is no feeling or ‘rush’ to do it in a real-world time-pressure sense – it is clear it is important as in having a large and meaningful impact on this body, the bodies of those closest to me, and the world at large. And I was about to write that the sooner it happens the better, but even this does not seem to convey it exactly, is there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? It is always just now anyway, after all…

It is amazing how often the cunningness of the identity is in operation – here ‘you’, the identity, is masquerading as an “actualist voice” urging you on, whilst the very fact that there is an identity urging you, veils or distracts or even puts you off from what you actually want to bring about! The aim of ‘me’ is to literally create a diversion and drain the energy of going forward by putting you in conflict with your own aim. And then, as a result of not enjoying the conflict created by this “actualist voice” you give in and ask if “there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? And that “It is always just now anyway, after all…”

This is a copout, a semantic trick, to stifle your intent to become free now, and if not now then at the next opportunity to present itself.

Only a four days ago you wrote –

Kuba: This persistence of the guardian after self immolation means that really there is no excuse not to do it right away.

Claudiu: Yes I thought the same after reading it! (link)

‘Vineeto’ called these occurrences ‘furphy’ [(Austral. Slang): a false report or rumour; an absurd story] each time ‘she’ successfully exposed one of those cunning diversions. It became a fascinating game for ‘her’ to discover them as quickly as possible.

You may need to arm yourself with fascinated attention, charged up with pure intent, to unveil, decode, disarm and unmask all these ‘little’ diversions and furphies created by a very cunning ‘self’-preserving identity, presented in a last-ditch effort to prevent you from reaching your destiny.

Claudiu to Felix: Oo is it that we have another joiner of the out-from-control club? (link)

Just for the record - being out-from-control is not a stable condition but a transitory stage of a more or less ongoing excellence experience in the process of becoming free. As such it is not a “club” to leisurely hang out in forever. Look, here is the history of virtual freedom so far – Richard had to inadvertently veer off into Spiritual Enlightenment after about six months of “dynamic virtual freedom”, whilst proceeding towards an actual freedom (because at the time it was the only possible way due to a marked lack of precedence in his unmapped adventure new to human consciousness); Devika backed out after 13 months, due to ‘stage fright’. She consequently gave way to love and “chose for what she says is ‘True Love’ (‘Matrilineal not Patrilineal’)” (link) and eventually “died a lonesome spinster” (link), while ‘Vineeto’, who, forewarned, had vowed never ‘to do a Devika’, went out-from-control the day Devika/Irene died (14 Nov 2009), and after about six weeks took advantage of the newly opened Direct Route and became newly actually free on 5 Jan 2010. One can’t stagnate, either go forward or backward.

Here is how ‘Vineeto’ described this period in the Direct Route –
“I experienced an ever-increasing pull to move forward into what I clearly and unambiguously recognized as my destiny – an irrevocable freedom from the human condition. It set in motion a process that was to undo all of my remaining bonds to humanity, my residue of inhibitions, my last hesitations and any and all lingering doubts. Having finally arrived at being out-from-control, living the ‘beer’ rather then being the ‘doer’, filled me with a previously unknown confidence and certainty that ‘my’ redemption was indeed nigh.
To step out from control was a step deliberately taken, after sufficient clearing of the ground, so to speak, and after sufficiently ascertaining that what I wanted was indeed what I was aiming for (the genuine article of an actual freedom). Taking that step ‘I’ then willingly and with intent gave myself permission to allow the universe to pull me forward ever more strongly into the hitherto entirely unknown territory that lay between me and the ultimate goal. […]
The other observation from this period of being out-from-control […] I remember clearly one day sitting in a circle of 5 friends, utterly relaxed despite the fact that I had never met one of them in person, and I noticed that I had no personal agenda whatsoever, no plan to stir the conversation into a particular direction, nothing to emphasize or hide, no self-centredness or favouritism, no shame, shyness, embarrassment, no power or drive – I was just being myself as I was. I sat in this group, as one of many, and my sole interest was that everyone present (including me as one of those present) enjoyed themselves/ obtained the maximum benefit from our meeting. I experienced myself as being unreservedly at ease and utterly benign and wasn’t driven to say anything unless it contributed to the overall quality of the conversation.” (i.e. no ‘self’-centredness whatsoever). […]
“During the period of being out-from-control the identity (being the ‘beer’ as opposed to being the in-control ‘doer’) gallops ahead closer and closer to her/his destiny.” (link).

Just to emphasize – it’s not a membership-club, it’s more like being a fast-running tide carrying you inevitably towards your ultimate destiny.

Cheers Vineeto

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