Well, that’s how it (re)started for a lot of us a few years back, wasn’t it? 
On a more serious note, don’t get stuck in converting the rest of us and get back to work yourself. Why aren’t you free yet, huh? (j/k)
Now that I’m back to “normal”, I’m finding that the actual world is still cracking through. It’s a weird mix between being my regular self, and having frequent instances of things being different around me and much closer to what a peak experience is like. It’s subtle compared to a PCE but it’s not subtle compared to normal life if that makes sense.
Even right now I’m in a bit of a stressful situation (I forgot to take an important HIV preventative medication for gay people), but it’s as if I can’t muster what would usually be a very strong stress response. I can feel that I am responding with a slight stress but I can also feel an opposite reaction going the complete other way and it’s the more powerful one. I’m having little EE blips as I navigate the world. Flowers are brighter, objects are starker. There is an underlying knowing that things are actually OK underneath the ‘being’ imposed reality I’m living.
Additionally, and this is very new for me - I’m starting to feel myself caring deeply. Anyone who knows me would not describe me as a particularly “caring” person per se. Especially with the chronic stress having just eaten away at me for so long, it’s like I couldn’t be emotional anymore. I couldn’t feel sad. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel that happy either. And I definitely couldn’t care. But now it’s like I’m “open” in a way I’ve not been in years. There is deep release of all that stress and struggle within me, and I have cried a couple of times since the PCE, in a very cathartic way that has felt very good to this feeling being. I feel genuine feeling caring for those around me and human beings at large. Suddenly I’m
empathising a lot with people and situations around me - again totally new to me.
I know I have to be careful in this area - not to get engrossed in a deep caring: especially not one based on sorrowful compassion (isn’t that where enlightenment lies? I can almost feel enlightenment in the sideline or on an alternative channel as well). I think it’s good that I care, but I don’t want to be ensnared by deluding myself into that deep emotional caring territory. I want to make sure I do the best possible thing for this body and everybody.
It’s strange to write, but I don’t feel that far off from being able to self immolate. Just like last night before the PCE, I feel “pregnant” with it. For most of this process it’s felt like I was fighting for this and combatting myself - and most of all not knowing what to do. I remember saying to Vineeto “I would self immolate but I can’t”. It’s as if now there is a sense that, even though I don’t know “how”, the sense of “I can’t” is losing its grip. It doesn’t seem at all impossible anymore. I “believe that it is possible”.
Esoteric territory and I never thought I’d be writing what I’ve written in this post. This whole territory seemed previously unknowable and impossible to me. I hope I can navigate this to the best possible benefit of this body and everybody
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Don’t be too hard on yourself if love does get some snares on you at this stage. A common experience when experiencing this especial clarity & caring is that in seeing the others clearly, we can’t help but love them
Just more being in operation - more to investigate & you’ll be right on your way 
It’s wonderful reading your report!
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Sounds great!
I don’t know how up to date you have been with the recent threads but this appears to be very in line with the discussions we’ve had recently about a connection to Pure intent being established. It seems very similar to the experiences that me @claudiu and @henryyyyyyyyyy were writing about.
Do you find you can tune into that aspect more often/ more easily now vs in the past @Felix ?
Here’s 2 posts that I could find that summarise what I am referring to, I couldn’t find the one with @henryyyyyyyyyy 's experience
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Thanks @henryyyyyyyyyy. My experience seems to be fluctuating a lot - it’s weird haha. It’s like I’ve got 3 modes: normal, compassion/love/sorrow (new), EE/PCE/intimations of the actual (new). Think it’s all par for the course as you say. The one I’m least a fan of is normal 
@Kub933 I haven’t been following the posts over the last few months but will try to catch up a bit. It’s a weird thing, the degree to which the underlying actual world is able to be seen or perceived or whatever. It’s not entirely clear to me what it is that turns it on or off, except perhaps remembering/believing part (rememoration of the PCE and believing/“knowing” the actual do be there). If I get too into my work than It tends to turn off, if I go outside it tends to turn on!
Have you guys noticed a change in whether or not you have to control a wayward self? I no longer feel like I’m doing that which is a big relief, whereas previously it’s been like I as an identity have been bucking and bolting like a world horse - creating a lot of havoc… haha
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Yes I was writing about that a while ago as well. There was a change at some point towards a certain ease of character and in general things are a lot less turbulent.
There is always in the background this sense of all is well and it’s no biggie, the main focus now is on how I am still obstructing that purity each moment.
So when I get caught in some period of feeling bad there is an acknowledging of this and steering myself gently back to the purity.
There is more that Claudiu has mentioned too, like no longer getting caught up in the moral aspect of things too much, rather just noticing that enjoying and appreciating is the way to go.
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Also this one, it appears that what switches it on/off is simply orienting ‘myself’ back to the purity. So for example if I am busy working and catch myself no longer experiencing it, I can ‘orient’ myself towards it again or ‘tune into it’ by the simple intention to do so.
That is if I am not at the same time busy preventing it by getting hung up on some issue (this is where the more standard process of tracing back, seeing silliness, investigation etc would kick in)
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Hey @Kub933 did you perhaps have a PCE while I was away? By the sounds of it you did 
. If so I’ll go look for it in your diary.
I saw that amazing flow diagram that was put together, nice one @claudiu. It will be interesting to see how people go with it.
I’ve been thinking lately… the part which is the most important in the whole method - getting from feeling good to having a PCE - is not explained with explicit instructions on the website (and hence can’t really be explained in a diagram either).
This makes sense because the process of getting to a PCE is not really linear or trackable right? It’s pretty esoteric territory! It requires people to stumble and discover something they have literally NEVER done on purpose before. There are some vague instructions or phrases to consider (“enjoy and appreciate”, “activate delight”, “be naivete”, “current time awareness”, “sensuosity” etc) but there is no recipe at all as @geoffrey has always said. One has to be a pioneer and discover the possibility for oneself, which is dependent on myriad factors (from mood to physiological state to environment to triggers to time of day to methodology etc etc).
Once someone gets the knack of how to have an EE or PCE, then feeling good is something that’s a lot easier to know how to do (because it uses the same essential approach). Then concepts like “nipping it in the bud” or “identifying the trigger” are going to positively feed into application of the method - because one has that ongoing enjoyment in place as a foundation. Without this foundation, all those instructions are mainly going to cause issues in my opinion (in my experience at least).
The basic resentment for being alive is at the core of what an identity is, and “enjoying and appreciating” from the outset, without recourse to the usual forms of instinctual outlets or pleasures (“neither express nor repress”), is about the last thing people will
know how to do. A PCE is very powerful for overcoming the innate cynicism of being itself, and that’s why I agree with the neo-actualist tendency to prioritise having a PCE. Once that golden clew is established, the Virtual Freedom method of “feeling good each moment again” is going to be easier to apply and the identity will be getting some magical help “from outside” as well 
, in the form of pure intent.
If I were to go back I would wait for when I feel good to attempt a PCE, and repeat this until I eventually had one - rather than getting lost in an attempt at the virtual freedom method from the outset, without this foundational knowledge. Even now - I would not make an attempt at a PCE unless already feeling pretty good.
This is not to bag on the website, or the diagram, or attempts to explain actualist concepts. It’s more just to say to people on here that clarifying, summarising or distilling the various concepts Richard uses can be helpful - but will not ultimately lead to practical success. To have practical success you need to go have a PCE (and for that I’d advise waiting for times you already feel good).
ThIs is just based on my experience of course,
and the mileage of others may vary. I can imagine a lot of variation between people depending on psychological makeup and initial baseline for example - but thought I’d just put my own experiences out there!
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@Felix Yes it was this PCE where it seems afterwards I took a different turn - Drawing the line between feeling and fact - #78 by Kub933
It was a pretty long one for my standards and also I had this very interesting experience where during it I started contemplating what it would be like if ‘I’ never came back. When coming out of it I specifically focused on leaving that golden clew.
I wrote a bit more about the never coming back part of the PCE here - An observation from a PCE
Just read it! Awesomeeeeee @Kub933. Especially loved the last few sentences.
Man I’m so impressed with the participation and developments of this group and its members. I’ve come back after only a few months and there’s almost too much to read 
, which is fantastic.
Maybe there will be a convivium next .
Anyone who tries at this thing called actualism deserves a massive pat on the back, regardless of perceived progress or success.
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Yes agreed I was thinking that the other week, it seems that more and more of us are getting onto something here which is great, now time for the next wave to follow
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@Felix I was reading your post and crying and smiling at the same time . I could not resist not to translate your wonderful post . Two of them already translated .
This is so amazing what you are experiencing , gives me so much motivation to do the method more and more
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Hey @leila, wait really??!! That is amazing. My words have never been translated at all let alone into Farsi. You’ll have to share the translated text with me By the way have you written kind of intro here about how you came to actualism?
I am really glad you have that added kick of motivation. You should. Every ounce of effort towards this is worth it; even if one’s efforts don’t seem fruitful at the time. Figuring out how this whole method works can be difficult, frustrating, confusing and fearful. When you have a PCE, there is no question that it has all been worth it. Then when it’s over and you come down, it’s not too long before ordinary feelings come back to once more sandbag your naïveté (this still happens to me). However, you now “know” that there is this incredible possibility and will be drawn to do whatever it takes to further uncover it (“pure intent”).
Just remember that your flesh and blood body has the same capability for experiencing the actual world as anyone else. When one lives in daily life as a normal human being, things often seem very banal, boring, aggravating etc (making up what Richard calls “the resentment for being alive”). These feelings will make it seem like the possibility of something better just isn’t there. They will even make it seem like feeling good isn’t possible - hence why historically people have struggled with the basic method of feeling good each moment again (including myself).
To have a PCE, you need to recognise this status quo and question its very solidity/validity. Many people feel they are not able to have a PCE - it is the resentment for being alive which creates this impression and the very thing standing in the way. You gotta flip that!
I asked Richard once why he thought even people would really interested in actualism didn’t pursue it to its end. He said he thought it tended to be because people didn’t feel good enough. They’d say “well it’s all well and good for you Richard, but I’m not capable of this”. He’d remind them he was just a boy from the farm
All flesh and blood bodies have the innate capacity for apperceptive awareness.
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Hey @Felix I can not say thank you enough . I have not seen Generosity in writing like this .this generosity , reminds me of the word benevolence of the Universe .I read your amazing words several times . I really needed it . Appreciate it .Now you give me more work to do . 
I mean whatever you write I m like : " oh I need to translate this too . So much things I want to say …
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I have not been feeling good the last two days. It seems I am back to my old tricks like all get out.
I can see a pattern where, after a peak experience (which by definition means giving up control), ‘I’ return and make a massive power grab by trying to force the process to happen - all under the guise of actualist identity, for extra cunningness.
Less and less am I letting this moment live me - more and more I’m trying to control things: like trying to steer something that goes off track the more I try. Why am I such a control freak? It’s like I’m making this massive demand. I WANT FREEDOM NOW. I WANT THE PCE AGAIN NOW. (When it doesn’t work i bargain) I WANT TO FEEL GOOD NOW (still doesn’t work). It feels really bad - having reverted to being the very tortured type soul I described in my peak experience come down.
This way of operating is a very masochistic part of me, and something I can recognise in previous endeavours of mine as well. Other things in my life I’ve been able to achieve by being very intense, very determined, very industrious (and very self-punitive). With those things it didn’t matter how exhausted I made myself, or how sick, or how unhappy, as long as I was able to get what I wanted in the end I was willing to go through it.
But actualism is very very different. The more I want freedom and demand freedom the less I can have it. This then generates a lot of anxiety because the more I can’t make it happen, the more I become worried and fearful that it won’t. I can actually feel the bad feelings increase as if expressing this reality louder.
I’m not sure there is any one feeling to look at here using the normal method of tracing back. I don’t know though, I’m looking at it. Maybe it is a deeper thing, something which goes to the very core of this process. Like not being willing to get out of control or ge out of the way. Like wanting to make it about a fight or imagine a drama out of it. It’s a strange paradox, wanting so badly to let go of myself that I end up holding on tighter than ever.
I need to get out of the way.
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Either that or it’s fear.
I just don’t know at the moment.
Richard said sometimes people can have a strong fear reaction following an experience of the actual - I guess because it points to my illusory existence and the death of me.
In the PCE this time, I experienced the full import of what it meant in terms of ‘me’ being illusory - that wasn’t lost on me at all this time. Now I’m back, and purportedly wanting so badly to be free, but it’s as if on another level the memory of the PCE is a massive threat to me. Somehow I’m slamming on the brakes so hard right now.
It’s kinda like when you go up in an aeroplane to do a sky dive. On one hand you’ve started on the journey, and you can’t turn back. On the other hand you are shitting yourself with fear about what the task before you is (and doubting whether you can do it). I don’t even know if I’m my head that task is self immolation, or just giving up control, or what.
You do want it, you do want to sky dive - that’s why you signed up. On the other hand, a part of you really does not want to - you feel sick with anxiety in fact. That’s where I am right now.
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Maybe this is a “dude, just chill” moment. I remember @geoffrey writing/saying that to himself once.
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Well that was quite the storm 
.
Back to feeling good now.
I think this fear reaction happened last time (like a year ago) and I think I never faced the fear. I just kept running, and distracting (hence why I reported having trouble with addictive sexual behaviour) for almost a year. I also remember having so much doubt that I’d even had a peak experience
However this time, having had the PCE recently, the fear I was feeling little more an hour ago was contrasted all the while with the memory of the actual and the knowledge on some levels that the feelings aren’t material or substantive (despite being oh so real). This allowed me to face the feelings head on, and feel them, rather than what I’ve spent the last year doing - which is distracting myself.
And as I said at the start, I feel good again - which came of its own accord, having allowed the feelings.
This is quite a hairy business at times, but I am committed!
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