Vineeto: Well, well, I was literally astounded that this was so eye-opening for you. At first, I thought it was too trite to write it out, it being the actualism method 101. What an effect a choice of a different expressions can make! Perhaps it has something to do with the serious conditioning of mainly the male of the species to not show or express fear of any kind – and therefore not to feel fear – whatever the circumstances. [Emphasis by Kuba].
Kuba: Yes there is something of that kind exactly which I could sum it up with the admonition to – “keep yourself together”. I only have to go back to mine and Sonya’s wedding to demonstrate such a thing. That when the weight of the situation (it being a public event and the rest of it) begins to be felt there is the sense that Sonya could publicly express her potential anxiety or what have you, that perhaps it would even be seen as cute etc And then I as the man feel that I am to “be the rock”, that I must “keep it together”.
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for your long and perspicacious reply. It’s a good way to sum up one of the major social identity rules for a ‘man’ – to “keep it together”, as a provider and protector. Given that this particular conditioning is rooted in the social identity, i.e. the whole image/ persona you have imbibed from childhood onward of ‘who’ you should be, it would make sense to dismantle this identity first.
To explain, the social identity is overlaid over the instinctual passions attempting to curb the worst excesses but can be safely dismantled with an active pure intent in place.
Even though one can become actually free without having dismantled the whole of one’s social identity – if aspects of it bother you now then now is the time to examine those and may remove a lot of your present ‘jitters’. It will also remove various obstacles/ concerns which you may come across exploring the full range of naiveté and being as close to innocence as a ‘self’ can be.
There is a very useful and informative article on “The Formation and Persistence of the Social Identity” which Richard wrote only two years ago. He lists the various aspects of each person’s social identity, and you are presently looking at Points No. 8 and No. 9 of the list, but the others most likely apply as well. A summary can be found at the Library page on Social Identity with additional links to related topics and various selected correspondences.
I have also added a section in the “Basic to Full Freedom” article, called man/woman identity as well as the follow-up sexual identity. There is heaps of useful information both from Richard, as well as from ‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’ who explored a wide range of their own social identities during the in-control methodological virtual freedom.
Vineeto: You said it well – “fear of the jitters” – it is the fear of fear which is the largest aspect of it, and once you allow the feeling itself without feeding it with fear of fear then what remains is mostly small potatoes.
Kuba: And this is exactly it, again taking the wedding situation as an example, it is not that there is an issue with fear per se, it is rather that by admitting/ showing/ being seen to be afraid I am “not keeping it together”.
Ha, there is a reason why an ongoing excellence experience is called Being-out-from-under-control – the control being determined by your social conditioning.
Kuba: This is a pretty fascinating topic actually because I can see this being a very core feature of being a ‘man’, the rock, the protector, the one that has it under control etc. What ‘I’ fear more than fear itself is being publicly known to be afraid. And of course this just becomes a layer cake of fear and anxiety.
As Claudiu wrote I do often experience it in the chest region and it seems it is exactly because of it becoming that “layer cake”, that if this fear is allowed then it is experienced in the belly area.
But of course considering the kind of conditioning that has been enforced on men through history I can see just how strong this would be. That this would be one of ‘my’ worst fates as a ‘man’ – to publicly be known to be afraid.
This is certainly a promising field of investigation, and you will be surprised how freeing it is when the various layers of this conditioning fall by the wayside when you discover how redundant all these aspects of ‘you’, the guardian, really are when pure intent is guiding you.
Kuba: Of course it is not to do with publicly showing this or that, as it is about neither expressing nor repressing the fear and ‘being’ that fear without moving in either direction. But the most insidious outcome of this conditioning is that ‘I’ separate ‘myself’ from ‘my’ fear and thus lock it into that “layer cake”. Then ‘I’ can only crank up the aggression on ‘myself’ and fight this fear as if ‘I’ am fighting dragons and various other monsters. And of course in the process ‘I’ become callous, insensitive etc.
What a fascinating thing it is to untangle all this, and as Richard said absolutely nothing can be swept under the rug – indeed it will come out sooner or later.
So what I can see is that initially this way of dealing with fear is what ‘I’ did to fit into ‘my’ role as a man. But once habituated this became a problem in its own right, because the only thing ‘I’ could ‘do’ with ‘my’ fear was to turn it into a layer cake and then fight with it.
It’s great that you see this because now your focus of attention has shifted to where the first problem is, not fear itself but the role you have accepted simply because you were born as a male flesh-and-blood body.
Kuba: And this aspect of using aggression to cover up / deal with ‘my’ feelings, this can be observed as a very common coping strategy for men. That to be emotional equals being weak / not keeping it together. Now I am not proposing the opposite of this (which is quite a popular flavour of belief these days) that “true strength lies in vulnerability” etc. This would simply be to move from suppression to expression.
It is more about untangling this whole mess and seeing that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’, that whatever feeling is currently taking place in the affective faculty – ‘I’ am ‘being’ that feeling. And once this is seen (with any feeling whatsoever) it is remarkably freeing.
Again, there is a third alternative – look at the specific morals and ethics and beliefs and attitudes and persona you have taken on board with their accompanying beliefs and principles and see if any of them is worth keeping (apart from paying lip service and obeying the laws of the land and social protocols).
Richard: Another part of what ‘I’ am made up of is beliefs: one’s sense of being a social identity is largely made up of beliefs … beliefs as well as feelings. In fact, a belief is an emotion-backed thought … passionate imagination. The vast majority of the beliefs that one carries are not invented by oneself; they were imbibed with the mother’s milk and added to thereupon up to the present day. They are inherited beliefs, put into the child with love and fear – reward and punishment – and added to as an adult out of awe and dread – the carrot and the stick – that power and authority engenders and thrives upon. It behoves one to examine each and every belief – especially those that pass for ‘truths’ – and watch them disappear out of one’s life forever. It is no wonder human beings are such a desperate lot. Beliefs and feelings are the bane of humankind … they have been so instrumental in killing, maiming, torturing and otherwise causing such pain and suffering since the dawn of human history, that one wonders that they are given any credence at all these days. It is so liberating to be free of beliefs – of the action of believing itself – and feelings that I cannot recommend their elimination highly enough. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive).
Kuba: In fact it is as if now I understand the actualism method fully – In that I know there is not a single feeling that ‘I’ could experience which is not something ‘I’ am at the same time ‘being’. That is to say ‘I’ am no longer afraid of this and that feeling, they are not something coming from ‘out there’ to get ‘me’. And this applies without exception to anything at all that takes place in the affective faculty, which means ‘I’ always have a choice in how ‘I’ am experiencing this moment of being alive.
And taking the above into account whilst knowing experientially what is possible for ‘me’ to live, of course it is ‘being’ naïveté that is the optimum manner in which ‘I’ can experience this moment of being alive – there is no reason at all not to live it each moment again.
What I am suggesting, when I talk about the beliefs which make up one’s social identity is that when you look at a particular belief/ principle which includes a whole range of associated feelings, then once you are able to see through that particular belief and replace it with the factual evidence that it’s unnecessary, the whole range of associated feelings will also disappear.
Kuba: I will just add the below too :
Kuba: So it seems what is required is to find a way to remain in no1 indefinitely, which means finding a way to return there once ‘I’ come in with ‘my’ friction – “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, hehe it is quite funny that ‘I’ could prevent ‘myself’ from meeting ‘my’ destiny over such a silly thing.
Vineeto: You don’t need to find the way back, you know it already. Occasional jitters are a natural part of the process. Allow the tenderness, it’s sweet and it’s fun, and the already existing perfection will each time become more and more apparent.
Kuba: This really hit the nail on the head too, of course I don’t have to find it at all, in the same way I wouldn’t write something like – I can feel good some of the time so I need to find a way to feel good all of the time. It is the same way! If I can get back to feeling good once I can get back to feeling good every time. There is not a separate way for once and another for all of the time.
Yes, there is no separate way for any of your feelings, but if they are kept in situ by a feeling-fed thought, i.e. one or more beliefs, then you look at the belief(s) first.
You must be delighted to have found more puzzles to solve.
Kuba: The key word is habituation. Whereas it seems often ‘I’ am looking for a Hail Mary. (link)
Mmh, I’m not sure that either “habituation” or “Hail Mary” are the way to proceed. I’m confident you will let me know.
Cheers Vineeto