Hi Vineeto,
Yes there is something of that kind exactly which I could sum it up with the admonition to - “keep yourself together”. I only have to go back to mine and Sonya’s wedding to demonstrate such a thing. That when the weight of the situation (it being a public event and the rest of it) begins to be felt there is the sense that Sonya could publicly express her potential anxiety or what have you, that perhaps it would even be seen as cute etc And then I as the man feel that I am to “be the rock”, that I must “keep it together”.
And this is exactly it, again taking the wedding situation as an example, it is not that there is an issue with fear per se, it is rather that by admitting/showing/being seen to be afraid I am “not keeping it together”.
This is a pretty fascinating topic actually because I can see this being a very core feature of being a ‘man’, the rock, the protector, the one that has it under control etc. What ‘I’ fear more than fear itself is being publicly known to be afraid. And of course this just becomes a layer cake of fear and anxiety.
As Claudiu wrote I do often experience it in the chest region and it seems it is exactly because of it becoming that “layer cake”, that if this fear is allowed then it is experienced in the belly area.
But of course considering the kind of conditioning that has been enforced on men through history I can see just how strong this would be. That this would be one of ‘my’ worst fates as a ‘man’ - to publicly be known to be afraid.
Of course it is not to do with publicly showing this or that, as it is about neither expressing nor repressing the fear and ‘being’ that fear without moving in either direction. But the most insidious outcome of this conditioning is that ‘I’ separate ‘myself’ from ‘my’ fear and thus lock it into that “layer cake”. Then ‘I’ can only crank up the aggression on ‘myself’ and fight this fear as if ‘I’ am fighting dragons and various other monsters. And of course in the process ‘I’ become callous, insensitive etc.
What a fascinating thing it is to untangle all this, and as Richard said absolutely nothing can be swept under the rug - indeed it will come out sooner or later.
So what I can see is that initially this way of dealing with fear is what ‘I’ did to fit into ‘my’ role as a man. But once habituated this became a problem in its own right, because the only thing ‘I’ could ‘do’ with ‘my’ fear was to turn it into a layer cake and then fight with it.
And this aspect of using aggression to cover up / deal with ‘my’ feelings, this can be observed as a very common coping strategy for men. That to be emotional equals being weak / not keeping it together. Now I am not proposing the opposite of this (which is quite a popular flavour of belief these days) that “true strength lies in vulnerability” etc. This would simply be to move from suppression to expression.
It is more about untangling this whole mess and seeing that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’, that whatever feeling is currently taking place in the affective faculty - ‘I’ am ‘being’ that feeling. And once this is seen (with any feeling whatsoever) it is remarkably freeing.
In fact it is as if now I understand the actualism method fully - In that I know there is not a single feeling that ‘I’ could experience which is not something ‘I’ am at the same time ‘being’. That is to say ‘I’ am no longer afraid of this and that feeling, they are not something coming from ‘out there’ to get ‘me’. And this applies without exception to anything at all that takes place in the affective faculty, which means ‘I’ always have a choice in how ‘I’ am experiencing this moment of being alive.
And taking the above into account whilst knowing experientially what is possible for ‘me’ to live, of course it is ‘being’ naïveté that is the optimum manner in which ‘I’ can experience this moment of being alive - there is no reason at all not to live it each moment again.
I will just add the below too :
Kuba: So it seems what is required is to find a way to remain in no1 indefinitely, which means finding a way to return there once ‘I’ come in with ‘my’ friction – “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, hehe it is quite funny that ‘I’ could prevent ‘myself’ from meeting ‘my’ destiny over such a silly thing.
Vineeto: You don’t need to find the way back, you know it already. Occasional jitters are a natural part of the process. Allow the tenderness, it’s sweet and it’s fun, and the already existing perfection will each time become more and more apparent.
This really hit the nail on the head too, of course I don’t have to find it at all, in the same way I wouldn’t write something like - I can feel good some of the time so I need to find a way to feel good all of the time. It is the same way! If I can get back to feeling good once I can get back to feeling good every time. There is not a separate way for once and another for all of the time.
The key word is habituation. Whereas it seems often ‘I’ am looking for a Hail Mary.