Kuba: It is very clear lately that the way forward is for ‘me’ to go into gay abandon, that this is the last direction ‘I’ go into, as it will be a one way ticket. Most of the time ‘I’ am teeter-tottering right on the edge of this. At times there is some degree of control, it is ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, from this vantage point there is still a way back to some semblance of ‘normality’.
Then there is the other direction where ‘I’ release whatever remnant controls and go into gay abandon. It is very clear at this point that the universe does not force anyone to become actually free, it is at the end of the day a personal choice as to which way I travel.
It does take some mettle to proceed in this direction however, not that it is difficult or unpleasant in any way but more so because it is so different. What a hard sell that is, to go irrevocably into a fairytale-like world.
Hi Kuba,
Yes, it is utterly amazing what hold ‘humanity’ and its stringent taboos have on each and everyone.
Kuba: But looking back now this is the same “force” that I experienced throughout the whole journey with actualism, it is this weird and perverse attachment to the ‘known’. This “force” is why actualism is ‘difficult’, in that ‘I’ will intuitively drift towards that which is already known, no matter how terrible this ‘known’ is and will experience anything outside of it as utterly dangerous.
So looking back now all the plateaus that I have experienced were periods where I was making up my mind as to whether I am ready for more.
The choice to proceed was always available but ‘I’ would hang back and come up with “issues to solve” whilst ‘I’ was making up ‘my’ mind. Here ‘I’ am doing exactly this .
It is the weirdest of things though, that going towards a world of enjoyment and appreciation only is taboo, there is this deep aspect of ‘me’ which feels this is simply not allowed. ‘I’ will engage in the most impressive gymnastics to find some reason as to why this shouldn’t happen and yet at this point it is all for naught because ‘I’ know what ‘I’ have already begun.
Right now I can’t even put a name to the objection, rather it is as if the entire force of ‘my’ being says it is dangerous and therefore not allowed.
I remember when ‘Vineeto’ experientially discovered what it means that ‘I’ am humanity and humanity is ‘me’.
‘VINEETO’: Hi Richard,
Reading through your correspondence on mailing list B I have come across something that I cannot grasp.
• Respondent: If the many are reduced to one, what is the one reduced to?
• Richard: When it is understood that the one is the epitome of the many and that ‘I’ am the ‘many’ and the ‘many’ is ‘me’ … ‘I’ self-immolate at the core of ‘being’. Then I am this material universe’s infinitude experiencing itself as a sensate and reflective human being. A desirable side-effect is peace-on-earth. (Richard, List B, No 12b, 20.7.1998).
What does it mean, when you say ‘‘I’ am the ‘many’ and the ‘many’ is ‘me’’? (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Richard, 27.9.1999).
‘VINEETO’ (to Richard): Last night serendipity provided the answer to my question to you, which had been going on in my head since I wrote to you. The experiential answer to ‘I am many and many is me’ presented itself in the form a TV program on International Humanitarian Aid Organizations and their role and accountability. For one and a half hours there was ample footage presented on human suffering and devastation in war, famine, genocide and racial ‘cleansing’ on one side and the helpless, well-intentioned, yet almost useless effort of people in the aid organizations on the other side.
The presentation was enough to make it utterly and unquestionably clear to me that there is no difference between me and the hundreds of thousands who have suffered and died and those who have, without success or effective change, tried to help – for ‘umpteen hundreds of thousands of years’. On an overwhelming instinctual level ‘I’ am ‘them’ and ‘I’ have had no solution and never will have a solution.
The devastation is enormous and the only way ‘out’ is ‘self’-sacrifice. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Richard, 28.9.1999).
Part of Richard’s reply –
RICHARD: There is no cure to be found in the ‘real world’ … only never-ending ‘band-aid’ solutions.
VINEETO: The devastation is enormous and the only way ‘out’ is ‘self’-sacrifice.
RICHARD: Yet it is the instinct for survival that got you and me and every other body here in the first place. We peoples living today are the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes … we are the product of the ‘success story’ of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Is one really going to abandon that which produced one … that which (apparently) keeps one alive?
Do you recall those conversations we had about loyalty (familial and group loyalty) (link) back when you and I first met … and what was required to crack that code?
That was chicken-feed compared with this one. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 30 Sep 1999)
This was the beginning of several experiences of universal sorrow and its pacifier compassion which segued into a deep passion for peace-on-earth for everyone and became ‘Vineeto’s’ springboard into actual freedom via ‘a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster”. (Richard, List D, Srinath)
Kuba: It is the fear of irrevocability!
It’s like I am cleaning out the house and there are these old dirty shoes that I haven’t worn in 5 years and yet I cannot bring myself to put them in the bin, because “what if”? What if they are one day needed, what if there is some potentiality that I haven’t prepared for or accounted for.
There is a mountain of reasons as to why these shoes need to go and not a single good reason for why they should be kept, but it is the fear of irrevocability, once it happens it is done. Then what if I wanted to go back? there would be nothing to go back to. (link)
Well, well, I didn’t know you were so conservative, in the literal meaning of the word! 
Have you heard from any basically free actualists who you know of, who wanted to go back to the real world after becoming free?
Here is one example – Geoffrey when asked in jest once in a video chat, said if he found himself back in the real world he would come straight out again immediately.
Now that your ponderings about irrevocability have progressed further, I see from your next post that you already discovered the solution for yourself –
Claudiu: There is something to it of the actual doing of it… like really, am I gonna buck the status quo so much, do this thing that only on the order of 10 others have done? An irrevocable step — that is definitely part of it. (link)
Kuba: I was contemplating on this very thing yesterday, on just how huge of a shift it would be and it is clear that ‘I’ could never do it. The good news is that ‘I’ do not do it anyways, ‘I’ only set down the path of no return, in gay abandon. It is the universe that does it, ‘I’ am not capable of changing something so fundamentally, of doing something that big.
So ‘I’ do not have to try, because ‘I’ would tie ‘myself’ up in knots and still not succeed. ‘I’ can have the utter confidence in the ultimate beneficence of the universe and go into gay abandon, then it can happen but ‘I’ do not do it. (link)
Indeed, and it is only when this “utter confidence” (i.e. pure intent) is lost that those doubts and objections can surface and keep your mind busy … until you remember “gay abandon”.
Here is something to look forward to – an actual intimacy –
RICHARD: Love does not feature in my life … thus sexual congress is always excellent.
RESPONDENT: Well, that sounds strange, if not contradictory, to me.
RICHARD: I can comprehend your ‘sounds strange’ response given that the conventional wisdom is to cover-up the base carnal passions with a gloss of love … but why ‘contradictory’ ? The total absence of the instinctual passions – and their compensatory love – enables an actual intimacy, a direct experience of the pristine actuality of another, unspoiled by any ‘me’ and ‘my’ neediness and greediness whatsoever. An actual intimacy surpasses the highest or deepest feeling of love possible.
Hence ‘always excellent’.
RESPONDENT: Sex without love is like pizza without cheese – edible, but not a pizza really.
RICHARD: Pizza – even with cheese – is hardly haute cuisine. Sex without carnal desire enables a purity that far exceeds the greatest or most profound feeling of love. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 18 Nov 2000).
RESPONDENT: … Without love we do not relate to another. So, I don’t understand the concept of actual intimacy sans love. Without love – which is feeling for another with the same intensity as for ourselves – there is no intimacy, in my humble opinion.
RICHARD: Yet love, no matter how intense, is seeing (feeling) the other through rose-coloured glasses (feelings). The total absence malice and sorrow – and their compensatory love and compassion – enables an actual intimacy, a direct experience of the pristine actuality of another, unspoiled by any ‘me’ and ‘my’ neediness and greediness whatsoever.
An actual intimacy surpasses the highest or deepest feeling of love possible. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 3 Dec 2000).
Cheers Vineeto