It is very clear lately that the way forward is for ‘me’ to go into gay abandon, that this is the last direction ‘I’ go into, as it will be a one way ticket. Most of the time ‘I’ am teeter-tottering right on the edge of this. At times there is some degree of control, it is ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, from this vantage point there is still a way back to some semblance of ‘normality’.
Then there is the other direction where ‘I’ release whatever remnant controls and go into gay abandon. It is very clear at this point that the universe does not force anyone to become actually free, it is at the end of the day a personal choice as to which way I travel.
It does take some mettle to proceed in this direction however, not that it is difficult or unpleasant in any way but more so because it is so different. What a hard sell that is, to go irrevocably into a fairytale-like world 
But looking back now this is the same “force” that I experienced throughout the whole journey with actualism, it is this weird and perverse attachment to the ‘known’. This “force” is why actualism is ‘difficult’, in that ‘I’ will intuitively drift towards that which is already known, no matter how terrible this ‘known’ is and will experience anything outside of it as utterly dangerous.
So looking back now all the plateaus that I have experienced were periods where I was making up my mind as to whether I am ready for more.
The choice to proceed was always available but ‘I’ would hang back and come up with “issues too solve” whilst ‘I’ was making up ‘my’ mind. Here ‘I’ am doing exactly this .
It is the weirdest of things though, that going towards a world of enjoyment and appreciation only is taboo, there is this deep aspect of ‘me’ which feels this is simply not allowed. ‘I’ will engage in the most impressive gymnastics to find some reason as to why this shouldn’t happen and yet at this point it is all for naught because ‘I’ know what ‘I’ have already begun.
Right now I can’t even put a name to the objection, rather it is as if the entire force of ‘my’ being says it is dangerous and therefore not allowed.
…
It is the fear of irrevocability!
It’s like I am cleaning out the house and there are these old dirty shoes that I haven’t worn in 5 years and yet I cannot bring myself to put them in the bin, because “what if”? What if they are one day needed, what if there is some potentiality that I haven’t prepared for or accounted for.
There is a mountain of reasons as to why these shoes need to go and not a single good reason for why they should be kept, but it is the fear of irrevocability, once it happens it is done. Then what if I wanted to go back? there would be nothing to go back to.
And these deliberations… They seem so silly, like ‘I’ am making the most ridiculous argument and ‘I’ know it is a terribly weak argument, ‘I’ don’t even agree with it ‘myself’!
And yet this is it, because if ‘I’ do go into gay abandon then ‘I’ no longer have a way back, then it is already in motion. ‘I’ do not self-immolate ‘myself’ and yet ‘I’ do something which will guarantee an end to ‘me’. So ‘I’ am hanging onto this “most ridiculous argument” as it is the last thing that can buy ‘me’ some time.
This reminds me of Srinath writing :
You are there holding both the existential options of living as a feeling being and living as the body in focus and trying to make a case for living as the body. Once the case is made – and there’s no way too know how exactly that will be done for each individual – you will be actually free.
Right now the case is heavily swaying in one direction, and ‘I’ don’t have any more evidence to produce