I was contemplating on this very thing yesterday, on just how huge of a shift it would be and it is clear that ‘I’ could never do it. The good news is that ‘I’ do not do it anyways, ‘I’ only set down the path of no return, in gay abandon. It is the universe that does it, ‘I’ am not capable of changing something so fundamentally, of doing something that big.
So ‘I’ do not have to try, because ‘I’ would tie ‘myself’ up in knots and still not succeed. ‘I’ can have the utter confidence in the ultimate beneficence of the universe and go into gay abandon, then it can happen but ‘I’ do not do it.
Vineeto's Report of Becoming Actually Free :
On Monday evening the fourth of January 2010, I knew I was running out of time. We expected a guest for the next day and I didn’t want to wait until we three were on our own again. I consequently sat on the toilet taking a few minutes longer than usual to gather any scattered bits of intent that were missing to make up the 100% I needed – I pulled out all the stops. When I returned to the living room a dynamic and quite frivolous interaction developed and in that uninhibited hilarious atmosphere I blew the last remaining cobwebs of seriousness, cautiousness and social correctness out of the corners of my psyche. It was all very casual, jovial and funny, unrehearsed and spontaneous and I became confident that this is how I wanted to live my life forever.
I heard myself saying to Richard that ‘We’ve got all the time in the world’ and when I contemplated on the sentence that had just slipped out, time suddenly stood still.
Is this not exactly what ‘Vineeto’ did just prior to ‘her’ self immolation?
When I look at my moment to moment experience this is the only way things could be upped, the only direction ‘I’ can see that is left in ‘me’, which is to release those last shreds of control, seriousness etc and go into gay abandon. Seems like I am trying to make up my mind about doing that exactly…
The means to the end (enjoyment and appreciation) is no different to the end (enjoyment and appreciation), going into gay abandon would be the closest ‘I’ can humanly get to this exactly.