I was going to say, whatever use ‘I’ may have had, is long gone. There truly is just one moment of naivete required to “tap my ruby slippers together” and prove that worth I feel I have.
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Yeah this is a big one, the only ‘use’ ‘I’ ever had was in complicating things haha and still do so now.
It goes somewhat like this - ‘I’ find (aka create) a problem then ‘I’ find a solution - then ‘I’ go about feeling and believing that ‘I’ am required to hold everything together. The only thing held together is a drama that has no need at all.
Backed into a corner, one had only two previous options; be angry or be sad. There is now another option; be happy and harmless, enjoy and appreciate.
‘I’ just didn’t know it was an option.
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Right. I was sad whilst tripping; everything I built was taken for granted! Being a ‘man’ sucks.
Then I thought; did I really build anything? Or did I just get in the way of building things?
As you say, but taken further; ‘I’ am problem which ‘I’ solved by creating ‘me’ - an identity. An identity which was already confused in it’s purpose (was I here to build anything?) and then lost and cunning (surely I built all of this!) then further, lonely (no one can see what I built!).
As Richard mused once, whilst looking at the immense amount of work his father had done farming; “did he enjoy doing all of this?”.
To answer a question from another thread, regarding self, ego, soul, etc; Richard has usually referred to “the identity that used to live in this body all those years ago”.
Identity is formed out of the confusion between the blind instinctual feelings and consciousness.
Blind feelings, (those not yet emotions, but rather raw drives), automatically have a “place” created in consciousness simply because consciousness doesn’t itself choose. Choice is a function of a third phenomenon; intelligence.
So, we imagine a structure we call ‘self’ but that isn’t really what self is. There is no structure. It’s a feeling. A nebulous blob (my vote is still for this to be the new 'self’
).
The issue isn’t the raw feeling, rather the identity which automatically forms.
Which is why all attempts to deconstruct the ‘self’ are doomed to failure; there is nothing to deconstruct.
Identity is a coherent whole. You can prod it, twist it, cut chunks off it (or think you did) and it will survive all of this because one is “tilting at windmills”; The self is you. There is no getting around the identity being real.
One can call it an illusion until the sun explodes, to no avail.
One IS an identity.
I am really scared of physically dying at any moment. The reason? Because I don’t want this to be over before “doing what I came to do”.
I don’t want my sons wandering this world as lost as I have been. I want, if only for a few minutes, to have lived the ultimate to show them it was possible.
Fingers and toes crossed I live to get that chance.
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This is really good.
The question is did ‘I’ solve anything ‘I’ didn’t create?
That’s what I hold onto. That I am needed for something.
Oh, I am needed for one thing.
There is that last step.
Something gentle, genuine, and …
… and ?? (Do go on)
What’s the one thing you’re needed for?
What’s the last step?
It was a little difficult making heads or tails of your live report. Things were coming in fragments. When you can, would be nice if you could elaborate a bit more on what you saw.
(That was 30 g wet, right?)
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30 grams wet, correct.
So.
Tripping yesterday for 10 hours straight, having discovered that I can “stick with normal perception”, and serendipitously having my son come over for a couple of hours, I learnt a huge amount about who I am.
What happened was the “trip” went ‘inside’. It was emotional rather than sensory.
I didn’t know that was possible.
What I saw was, I have been a version of a Christian the whole time. I am that guy who leads with the problems of the world and takes on that mission to convince others that something must be done.
I was telling my son, I don’t want to be that anymore.
The trick was it was superficially compatible with actualism. The whole doing something about humanity, the wars, rapes, etc.
However, I can to see that it’s not compatible at all. It’s a persona created by the religious, spiritual and humanistic systems, to make it seem like something is being done about the mess. Which is rather insidious considering that persona was instilled in me as a child. Those who went before messed it up, and made it my responsibility to fix it; but not really fix it - just feel bad about it and make others feel bad.
So new perspective in place; Global Actual freedom is inevitable. Maybe not soon, maybe not even in a thousand years, maybe not even on this planet. Who knows? The opportunity I have is to get a “sneak peek” at it. A personal preview. My contribution overall can be next to nothing, as it is the function of pure intent to bring about the best. I just have the opportunity to get in early.
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Probably more appropriate I continue in my own little corner of the web. 
So, chatting for hours with Henry, I was recounting how I had tripped this hard, and harder, without any drugs in my mid twenties. Not even alcohol. Not even cigarettes.
I blurted out to him “I built this place (the psychic realm), I already know before what happens on the other side of any thought”.
He challenged me that I hadn’t obviously been everywhere. There is still yet to find that Identity which will change.
That stopped me in my tracks. I had been seeing how prickly I am. How others are also. Yet I want to be held!
What skill it takes, what gentle care, and sensitivity it would take to hold me.
I saw that simultaneously to becoming gentle with myself, I become gentle with others.
There is a whole settlement in here. In the middle of the desert. There are footprints, roads and whole industries making money from this outpost.
Yet, if one walks to the other side of town, there are no footsteps.
All I have are reports that others crossed here. Their best advice is hugely useful. However, the sand is clean.
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One of the more interesting things of today’s trip was seeing that I don’t have any “heroes” who can voice what actualism is all about.
All the voices are strangers.
Ironically, the kindest of them are half remembered voices of nurses when I have been in hospital at various points.
“The professional care” of an underpaid nurse.
My own voice is of a man I once aspired to me; my own father.
The voices I don’t understand are of women. However, I got some glimpses of what that aspect of me is trying to achieve. The nurturing. The nesting. The making the best of things.
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Hmm maybe your psychic sense is not so finely tuned as you thought. There are definitely footprints here. Not very many, but they are here. We’re not the first ones to venture this way. Some of the first, but there were others before.
I don’t see them. But it’s actually ok. It’s sorta the whole point in a way that they left from another part of town.
The whole metaphor was shaped today by it being very hot here. The whole “wild west” visage.
I see their footprints in the advice. The advice about sincerity. Naivete.
No one ever stood and pondered going across the desert without a whole lot of both.
So I don’t doubt there is more.
It really is such an interesting metaphor.
Whether an ocean, or a desert.
We don’t survive out there too well.
It’s sorta the point right?
It’s knowing we don’t get to the other side.
The aboriginals of this continent, had a traditional initiation.
Called “walk-about”.
12 year old boys were sent into the desert. To live on what they had been taught, or die.
You returned a man, or didn’t return at all.
Actualism is, psychically, the second scenario.
Oh it’s a wide and wondrous path. You’ll come across them. Then will be easier to follow 
Да
I sorta figured that it will make more sense once I start to change more.
Sorta like Indiana Jones. One steps out, and “oh, there actually is a way here”
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