I’m just gonna copy/paste stuff from movies and songs then I can still be lazy
From “Two Weeks Notice” [2002]:
GEORGE: I lost Lucy.
I just think it’s a shame because I’ve come to rely on her for everything.
And I trust her completely, and she’s funny. Not deliberately, of course.
TONY: It’s probably for the best though.
GEORGE: Why is that?
TONY: 2 things I know is chess and women.
Chess, it has rules, pieces, rooks, knights, bishops.
They move in predictable patterns. Somebody wins, somebody loses.
But women, they don’t have no rules, man.
They move in unpredictable ways too.
Nobody ever wins or loses when it comes to women.
You talk about your feelings until your breath is sucked out your body.
All men are pawns when it comes to women.
Especially a smart one like Lucy. She’s hard to control.
And you know, the man has got to be in control.
Okay, like with me. I come home, when I walk in, I KNOW my Mama has dinner on the table!
On that note, I have obviously been reflecting on my recent insights into my upbringing;
This from Richard, regarding raising his children as a single father while enlightened;
" The powerful influence of such intense affection in a child’s formative years takes some shaking off … it almost amounts to an imprinting’."
With me, there was the pristinely raised Methodist mother, raised from the womb to be the perfect Christian woman. And then my father, adopted out at 3 years old, illegitimate, raised as an “add on” son, raped at 12 by two men, left home at 14, in jail by 19 for theft, roaming the country on motorbikes, surviving in whatever way he could.
Both imprinted on me.
What a mix! Hahaha
Which part am I shaking off I wonder?
It’s like god and the devil had a child, but I don’t know which one was which.
What strikes me is that though my father has a hard life, he still made moral choices. Choices he wasn’t really equipped to make. Choices he could only make I guess because my mother was there also.
It’s amazing what humans are capable of despite the crippling of intelligence by blind nature.
Wow that is a fascinating mix. Your dad went through a lot of trauma. Curious as to how they met now lol.
Yes, true. I can see in periods of increased felicity, just how much more I am capable of intellectually, physically and personally without all of the drama of the human condition impeding me. Recently had a bit of an emotional dip and just every work task seemed to take so much more mental energy.
I think it is fascinating the mixed and sometimes contradictory behaviour of a single person let alone differences between a couple. We like to try and make lazy assumptions about people, or shoehorn them into a type but people are so much more nuanced than that.
I have recently been forced to see how anger/aggression can really trigger me to just clump a person or people into some group of unworthiness, as though there is no redeeming qualities in them and they are deserving of being locked up or maybe just not existing, dead. I can see how Hitler and Pol Pot can happen, instead of races or political orientation I would be picking on how much of an arsehole somebody was.
Though of course, the human condition is the problem, hence a never ending supply of arseholes is possible…and those non-arseholes can become arseholes too. Hence, purging the Earth of arseholes wouldn’t work lol.
I like to think myself better because I don’t get angry or hate somebody because of their gender, race, religion, political belief but I do clearly feel hate towards people based on their attitudes and behaviour.
I have censored that part of myself so much and sort of tried to pretend it is not there.
My mother was a linguist translating the bible into an aboriginal language (whilst creating the written language) , my father had been adopted by missionaries working in the same area. At some point in 1975, they were both in the same town. Interesting side note; my legal aunty is full blood Aborigine. My adopted grandfather had gotten word that twins had been born, and in that tribe it was regarded that the second born was evil and they had left the baby on an ant’s nest to die. I met her a couple of times; she hated them for saving her, lived as an alcoholic.
This is where my exploring is going; to stop ignoring the nuances in myself, to stop comparing myself with others here and elsewhere. My story will need to be unravelled in it’s nuance, not in broad generalisations which lead to shallow and ineffective insights.
Indeed, I pretend that I am not always negotiating with the worst of the human condition in fantasy. As if I can appeal to others conscience. Conscience is a result of conditioning however.
I am slowly getting better from this virus, and feel really tired. Last night I decided to unilaterally “end the war” of the sexes for this reason.
It was an interesting decision, because it’s unintuitive to unilaterally “end a war”. Wouldn’t the other side win?
But they don’t. The war was always in me. All the ‘enemy’ weapons are my own willingness to harbour malicious and sorrowful thoughts/feelings.
It’s me holding the gun to my own head, pulling the trigger, and blaming them.
I get a nearly daily reminder of just how messed up people can get via a house over the back from me. Rage, screaming, multiple people verbally tearing into each other.
I realise in those moments of overhearing this that there is no negotiation possible with blind nature. Hence needing armed police to be available.
that’s the obvious joke but I like how the scene offers no solutions. Just making fun of the options: playing an unwinnable “chess” game, living with your mom, relying on your partner for everything not being able to be on your own. It’s just an amusing scene displaying the human condition.
Kuba suggested that the game blind nature sets up never had “winning or losing” .
From either side, the game is rigged.
It’s not quite funny to me, yet. It will be soon enough.
I am reminded how Richard couldn’t stand “dark humour” as a feeling being, but when actually free, such things amused him.
I am sorta the same as a feeling being. The truth of it just hurts, there isn’t a freedom to laugh at the whole thing yet.
I did get somewhere a few weeks ago with this, laughing at both myself and recent ex.
Yet, the real test is laying down my guns completely. The illusion was that they are pointing at her and women in general, but it was my own head they were pointed at.
I realise I just have to allow for the possibility that my heart will continue to beat, and there will be more moments in which something new can happen.
There is no use in being desperate. If it keeps beating, great, if not, it was out of my control anyway.
This is something I’ve experienced a bunch. For me it seems that with Actualism things tend to move in phases, but the whole thing is spiralling down towards something and not just going round and round in circles.
My experience is that usually I am in phases of enjoying these newfound heights of clarity, ease, delight, enjoyment and appreciation etc and then going through fully feeing, exploring and making sense of these ‘dark/grey places’. The tricky thing with the grey places is that the way forward cannot be known in advance, otherwise it wouldn’t be a genuine exploration.
It seems essentially what happens is that by fully exploring and understanding these ‘dark/grey places’ I am then able to progressively move away from them and towards purity.
But for me there is definitely this yo-yoing effect of going from “wow isn’t this universe wondrous in all its workings, this is just incredible!” to “oh jheez what is this dark pit that I find myself exploring ”
I think the interactions with her make me feel impotent. I am open about the fact I don’t really know what Actualism aims for (the PCE ) and it stirs up the failure to save my brother.
That and just generally being so run down physically.
I slept in two sections, the second starting at sunrise.
I read the entire “This moment of being alive” as per the "rules for the religious believer " I jested about.
Her situation, the woman I spent 5 hours with yesterday, and had spoken with around 3 years ago, is dire.
It stirs up the feelings around my brother. Yet, because of the success I had recently in feeling good and discovery, today it obvious to see I can’t help anyone who hasn’t decided to improve their own life.
My texts went unanswered, as I offered help with one of the major issues she faces.
Yet, I actually began to feel good after reading Richards words. I didn’t have to investigate anything, as it is obvious right there mentally in front of me, the years of reading and investigations; compassion is useless except for any action it may include. Yet, once sensible action is taken, there’s nothing more to be done.
Chasing, arguing, playing games where the other expects one’s feelings to compel one to further action out of pity, or worse, desire for something in return, is instantly seen as silly.
And as importantly, there is no animosity, or callousness in feeling good. Whatever help I feel comfortable (and even a bit uncomfortable) offering, is offered.
I started from a point of not having had or recollected a PCE as well. I can remember being incredulous about the validity of such an experience. Maybe, I had an advantage over you in that the very close friend who introduced me to AF found out about Richard and the site because it was the PCE that he recalled and was trying to find a description for. He had a PCE again during drug taking experiences which rekindled his memory of the experiences like that in his childhood, this started his quest to find out something comparable. I guess our relationship was very close and I didn’t think this was something he would lie about. It also made sense for me as to why a fellow atheist had a period of exploring spirituality because he was trying to find evidence of that experience, something I couldn’t understand at all at first and held against him. It was helpful to have someone who could help me describe and share feedback when I began having different experiences, to be able to verify my first PCE with him by comparison of description as well as what is written on the site. I didn’t realise how useful that was to have. It can be so much harder alone, hence kudos to Richard for not relying on anybody else but his only experiential reference points and conviction that it could be a permanent state.
Whether or not I was fully open to the idea that a PCE was possible I still eventually couldn’t deny the sense in being happy and harmless and that this is the only moment of time. I had already realised my emotions were making me be manipulated like Pinocchio on strings, moving me here and there even if I didn’t want to. Why not pick the optimal emotional responses possible in the whole spectrum of emotions.
The big shift was taking responsibility for me own happy and harmlessness but also being open to the possibility that I can change my behaviour and nature, seeing that you can make progress in this domain is itself a fascinating achievement. To some degree, I had already realised this with focusing on the highs from imagination and learning, so I knew it was possible to change behaviour. Eventually, I learned the hard way and serendipitously that imagination and learning highs failed to help in the most extreme of emotions, they couldn’t deliver the results absolutely and unconditionally. I had to learn that the hard way I guess.
So countless times I have been side tracked, love, creative highs, trauma, depression, rejection, horniness…but I have always found myself getting back on track.
When I was run over, my immune system was so down that not only did I have anxiety/depression but then the following year afterwards I had multiple chest infections, norovirus, tonsillitis and other constant colds, tooth abscess and other issues. It was like there was no end to the suffering. But there was a way out and it was possible to endure, you are stronger and tougher than you realise and against challenges you haven’t yet (and may never have to) endure. There is always a new moment again another opportunity to do something or to feel something different even, if not able to get to a felicitous state.
I have had a few emotional dips in the last month but they are definitely not lasting as long or as intense. Before, when in that funk, it was like there there would be no way out and no end to feeling that way. That feeling that there is no way out has changed now and it doesn’t feel so unchangeable either. Nothing feels solid, emotionally, like I am more malleable.
What comes to mind now when having a felicitous and good EE patch that when I feel bad again, it is like “…oh, I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel bad like this again.” Which is of course silly, I am a feeling being and that is still possible but previously it was flipped the other way around, I was always feeling more bad and then felicitous states would be the surprise “…oh wow I can feel this pleasant…it is possible”. So, things change, sometimes gradual and sometimes fast.
I know I haven’t had a PCE since my accident but I am not letting that stop me from enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. I am not letting it become an excuse anymore. I had some really nice EE’s this weekend.
You are in the marketplace so to speak and getting ample opportunities to see how you tick.
To me, at least in the way you communicate you convey that a lot has changed for you, it seems there have been positive changes. And if that is not the case and a misinterpretation on my side, no worries you have a new opportunity right now.
Yes, I am progressing mainly by eliminating “waiting”. Just do it. In whatever way I can.
There is no more time to waste.
This particular interaction/ association with this woman is producing a lot of obvious triggers.
One’s I don’t want to feel. The impotence. The forced empathy, the fear of being drawn into the gaze of organised crime. Being exposed as someone who barely knows what his obscure internet cult is actually all about.
It is back pressure for sure.
At the same time my ex fiancee was just able to get her younger brother out of Russia ahead of the “partial mobilisation” of 300000 Russian reserves. I just watch the cursor blinking on the screen for ages when trying to respond to that conversation.
Nothing like war and a suicidal friend, to juxtapose against any tendancy to wait anymore.
The other…be it woman or man…that potential acquaintance or more…surprising how many different triggers they can cause, based on their personality type, their social status, belief system and so many other variables.
Haha, I always feared to be conceived as belonging to a cult. The need to project at all times a sense of utter independence from anyone or anybody, hence why I find it hard to align with any political, spiritual or philosophical branch.
This has come to my mind a lot since the news was announced. Playing out hypothetical “what ifs” if I was in the same situation. Her brother is very lucky. I heard there was a spike in people in Russia googling how to break their own arms so as to get out of the call up.
I know people who have had to do military service for mandatory number of years as per the law of their home country…but I don’t recall such a big call up for a war or conflict in my lifetime.
It made me think of people in the Vietnam war lottery like drafts and then conscription in World Wars 1 and 2. The psychological impact just from knowing you are to be drafted let alone what awaits.
I may as well write about this one, considering I can’t sleep.
Repentance.
Being a penitent man.
I’ve been considering some of the feedback my new friend is freely giving about me. As many have said, I am very hard on myself, most of the time, not even realising that I am doing it.
I don’t explicitly feel bad doing it. It’s such a natural mode of thinking that I really began wondering today about it. Whilst asking what is in the way of me allowing EEs and PCEs to happen.
It follows on from the shame of feeling relieved if my friend had died. The relief is about this pressure to be something I was forced to be. Perhaps. More to come on that I guess.
The over-arching reality is religious repentance.
It’s surely linked with the default mode of being harsh and self critical, without even realising it.
It’s the conditioning, all 25 years of Christianity, plus the years of Buddhism to a lesser extent, of being fundamentally sorry for who I am. An all pervasive reality of penitence.
It seems a lot of people have this problem. For me it seems to have stemmed from having a parent who was strict and constantly critical but in a destructive way rather than constructive. It seems most people who I have met who have this tendency have had 1 or both parents/guardians be like this or their parent/guardian was a perfectionist and never gave them praise for anything (so no negative criticism but no praise either). Though there a few people I have met who have this tendency but their parents were supportive, it was just some internal perfectionist/critical mindset they had developed themselves.
Now that I have met more successful people, I have noticed they have a tendency to be ok with mistakes and failures and just view it all as some form of learning experience. They don’t beat themselves up about it or then completely avoid the thing they failed at.
When I had a recent downer, it was triggered from my kids being bullied which is the first time that has happened. This aggression just triggered in me. Like I could have easily have stamped on this kids head until there was nothing left of his face but my footprint. Then it was like self judgement and self disappointed that despite recent progress I was able to allow myself to be potentially so aggressive and harmful. I felt more like I had to suppress the intense anger because I failed to nip it in the bud. Plus I was then feeling bad that there are horrible people and horrible parents who don’t take into account or acknowledge when their own children are harmful or just nasty.
To be honest, I have only been that level of angry once before, when my eldest was a baby and an incident happened with rude people. It is not very often something has triggered that nurture related aggression in me. It seems so much more than the anger I have ever felt for myself or anything else. To see blind natures pushing and pulling…it all seems so silly with hindsight.
It was like a few days had to play out to allow myself to cool down and be ok with my choices and reactions. That natural inclination to want to berate myself for my failings.
This sounds interesting, it sounds like a complicated friendship to be that relieved.
I have never known this experience, though I have seen it in play in family/friends and ex-girlfriends. This and asceticism/austerity seem to be difficult parts for people who I have known who have renounced Abrahamic religions, like guilt for hedonism, success or so many things. When my mum’s mental health is at its worse, interestingly she reverts to a more Christian identity, and guilt and shame abounds. When well, she believes in God but not in organised religion. It is like two different people. Like yourself it is part of the process of her having been raised Christian, maybe she hasn’t really reconciled that impact repentance has on her.
I did this with the recent aggression experience, lamenting how rotten I am. Took me a few days to then get out of the slump and remember this is just more evidence for why I am doing this whole process. As long as I am a feeling being I am potentially capable of such reactions.
” to “oh jheez what is this dark pit that I find myself exploring 
”