Andrew

Journals
663

When I first started asking myself what was in the way, three words were immediately in my mind.

Repentance, Supplication, Surrender.

I went “whoa, boy, you are just intellectualising this!”.

Tonight, I decided to experiment with those experiences I had when meditating. The experience of “meditation” but I end up lost in daydreaming, but am then not even conscious of daydreaming, like falling asleep. Then, “coming to”, the room is very immanent, but my normal self quickly comes back.

It was surprisingly easy to get into that state. I didn’t replicate the experience, but there was a sense of patches of it as I drifted.

I ended up sleeping on the couch, but still running the question of why I would pull back from whatever that immanence experience is.

Supplication and Surrender.

Begging.

The memory of years of feeling bad standing at the front of church, trying to have these experiences that others seem to be having. Being “slain” in the spirit. Falling down.

It never genuinely happened to me.

I latched onto the investigation aspect of actualism, but no matter what I tried couldn’t go for the experience of PCE.

I remember the most significant experience from my mid twenties ended with me internally saying “don’t stuff this up!”.

More to come. Obviously.

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Indeed. Organised crime, drug addiction, bi-polar, highly promiscuous, unhealthy, highly intelligent, stubborn. Triggers galore for me. A world I already seen enough of. We are talking only. She is highly intelligent, yet it is depressing to hear all the normal tropes. Love and Connection are the answers!! The same answers I heard from my recent ex, a would-be-country-club type. Is it really just me generalising?

I have decided to pull back and see if there is any decision on her part to find out what is possible in life. Not get anymore involved until there is some response from all the talking we have done. I have been very explicit and descriptive about actualism. Very open about myself.

Zero curiosity has come back.

Just more attempts at control.

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I’ve only rarely come across people with the sincerity to be interested, and even those people the interest only goes so far. Everyone wants to ‘win’

I’m just looking to date someone reasonably pleasant… if I wind up with someone interested in actualism, that’s the jackpot

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For how much of the time?

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Eh it’s a spectrum… some people are more pleasant than others on the whole.

I suppose it all depends on who I meet

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Hey @henryyyyyyyyyy … I guess we are in the exact same boat…It’s not impossible to find sufficiently pleasant people ime but the trouble can begin at these points :

  • How much of Actualism to talk about in the initial contact times ? Actualism is so radical that it’s pretty much guaranteed that the other person will run away if for example Actualism’s stance on love is discussed. I speak from experience so I gave up this approach pretty much…

  • Let’s say you don’t discuss about love initially…just go out n have a good time…this is infact pretty much how it plays out normally. Sooner or later, the next stage would be expression of love from your partner. How does one proceed as an actualist now ? In my last relationship, I could say “hey I do have those feelings too, but I don’t believe in expressing all this”…and she was ok with it for a while hehe

It’s a bit of a tricky situation…perhaps more so because of the constant media bombardment with expressions of love in movies…there is probably an additional Indian problem due to Bollywood influence on Indian women’s psyche…(which effect is even more amplified perhaps by the songs n dances lol)

But then Richard also says how women relate to love as the authority, so it’s not just an Indian women thing

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Check out this recent convo on a dating app…yellow boxes are mine…Let’s see how far it goes this time :laughing:

Screenshot_20220928-090851_Bumble
Screenshot_20220928-090851_Bumble1080×1365 188 KB

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Haha yes I understand…

I learned from @JonnyPitt and @edzd visiting that it seems I’m more liberal about talking about actualism than most, but a lot of what I’ve learned from doing that is that most - like 90% - of people won’t get it, much less ‘be interested’ / get on board

The other side of that is that talking to so many people I’ve learned a bit about how to approach the subject. That’s only come from experience.

The discussing love thing is interesting… I think for some free people they just carry on ‘as normal’ and haven’t even told their partners about actualism. I don’t think that’s the approach I’ll ever take, but I can understand it. In this approach, it only makes sense to say things like ‘I love you.’

In my most recent relationship I tried being super open about actualism, even encouraging her to pick it up, but it never panned out - she never fully picked up on it, even after having PCEs. Eventually, after the breakup, she said part of it was wanting to be in a relationship with an emphasis on love. Which is understandable - she has to experientially find out what it’s like. Most likely, she will spend the rest of her life trying to make love work.

Being so open and communicative about it didn’t do what I hoped it would, which is make her understand actualism and want to do it herself. It takes some other kind of understanding which I could never give her.

That’s basically how I see talking about actualism with others now. I can’t give someone else understanding, they have to have it for themselves. I can only remind them of it, maybe spark the fuel that’s already there. And with that, again, it’s very few people.

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Had a rather awesome daydreaming session at 3am.

After exploring the territory around the immanence experiences that had been collecting dust in my memory, falling asleep on the couch, I was awake and eventually went to bed, but not before daydreaming about becoming free.

It evolved into the usual having a daughter dream, this time as an actually free father with an actually free partner. But from there took a really awesome turn. She was, as a baby, able to essentially stare people into freedom. Hundreds of actually free people later, spontaneous actual freedom started to happen. Actual freedom was “in the wild”, spreading like a virus.

The systems of the world were turned upside down. Actually free folks discussing what to do with the trillions of dollars worth of weapons which were now useless. F-35 fighters, sitting collecting dust. Borders non existent. Medical research going crazy, with cures and help for all.

Half way through the fantasy, I remarked to myself “I needed this!!”. I needed to imagine a world without the ‘human condition’, a world of unimaginable implications.

Today, when I ask “how am I experiencing…” I also remind myself

“No Surrender.
No Penitence,
No Supplication
No Awe, Dread, or Fear”.

Happy days.

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Better word;

No Reverence.

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I took Richard’s advice to me and talked about PCEs on first dates. Not with the jargon but just relating experiences. My advice is do the same. Go with the ones that are interested and/or have something to share with that :smile: then you know from the start they are open to it

With a few first dates it just didn’t even come up, I didn’t find an opening to mention it. I was bored on those dates lol, didn’t go for seconds.

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The other thing that I would do is instead of trying to shit on love I would put the focus on : intimacy and happiness. That can be a middle ground which can be grasped I think a lot of women especially might appreciate a man who wants intimacy. As in I am interested in great intimacy and happiness with my partner and getting rid of anything that prevents it.

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Experiential report in point: when I experience heightened intimacy whilst gazing tenderly at my partner, when she looks at me and notices she says that I’m giving her a sweet look. This intimacy is a nice thing :slight_smile: not a dirty thing to be hidden …

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What about going for being happy and harmless i.e felicitous/innocuous with current time awareness, did I forget to mention some sincerity and naivete peppered in for some extra flavour?

When you reach that level of awareness of the human condition, it is funny to see what can link a gangster on a street to some deluded self important CEO in a corporate high rise. The nature of ego, the self, identity and beliefs works the same way universally.

In my life I have always noticed a lack of reciprocated curiosity all around, from family and friends and possible partners and even those I have dated. Those friends who were curious too always ended up my closest friends. Those who wanted to question and explore everything and be open.

Sounds like a funky dream.

Last night I was watching the news and it was like a bombardment of negativity, war in Ukraine, war in Ethiopia/Eritrea with the Tigray northern region of Ethiopia, a financial crisis here in the UK, house prices looking to totally collapse, Nord Stream gas pipe sabotage, and plenty of other stories of the madness of the world and the human condition.

It was the sense of futility to be able to do anything about all of these problems and the worry and unease they create for a projected future with genuine outcomes that will effect the comfort of my life. Inflation here in the UK on top of interest rate rises and now the currency price drop too is killing me with my debts at the moment. I have had to pressure my wife to get back to a proper job which she has started now but my own projections for clearing my debts will now take longer. My wife being back to work means there is even more for me to have to do as well in my day to day schedule, so there is a lot more responsibility and chores on top of working on high pressure projects for my work.

It is like a battle that I cannot win. I do what is required of me but other variables outside of my control keep knocking me back from any point of security.

I do my best to work hard and clear off the debts. I am starting to worry and project about the future less and less. Only doing what is sensible and within my capability to do.

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@Kub933 @claudiu … yeah I agree…from my personal experience too, that shitting on love approach is very counter productive…we have to ultimately live in the current world situation…If I wasn’t aware of the Actualism paradigm and if suddenly someone were to shit on the usually considered epitome feeling of love, I would also think the person is doing some psycho babble and run away :smile:

I think that focus on intimacy approach is indeed much better and I’ve found several profiles seeking intimacy.

The only one last problem is…when all goes well for a few weeks and the girl says “Dude, I think I’m falling for you. I think I love you” … I’m still figuring out a sincere way to handle this … by some equivalent “I wanna actual intimacy you” :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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“Honey, How about we try something better than love, actual intimacy!”

New thread; Actualist Pickup Lines.

“Your flesh and blood body is so sensual”

“I would end myself for this body, and that body”

:grin:

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Exploring the in-between sleep stage for the last couple of days.

Still recovering. Had a chest x-ray and got antibiotics today.

Worked for an hour and came home after x-ray.

Decided to explore the in-between.

Contemplating that nothing is my fault. Right up to now. Nothing. No decision, no feeling, no thought. Not a single thing. Just drifting on this thought.

Hour or so later, after dozing, I woke up feeling happy and relieved.

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I love this stage, if you are referring to that in between bit when you are falling asleep.

@Sonyaxx Will attest to the amount of naps I have :laughing: but there is something that happens for me in that stage where I am naturally drawn to contemplate/explore something and off I go, its like my brain is doing it automatically at that point and ‘I’ just sit back and let the exploration unfold. All sorts of interesting things have happened to me during that stage.

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Yes! I have had quite a few experiences in that state, but had shelved them for years.

Then remembering them, I decided, what the heck! Go at it son!

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It set up a pleasant afternoon.

Ended up text chatting with my new friend, explaining ‘reality’ quite well, I thought. Without the normal evangelical drudgery of a true believer.