I initially wrote this as a journal entry, but think it may merit its own post.
After having massive success the other day with the sexual ‘edging’ approach to isolate & stabilize purity, I have been looking for ways to continue to deepen my connection with it.
Now, to explain hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm it may be of assistance to present it graphically: as an orgasm requires building up to a peak of sexual excitation, before tipping over the other side for a glorious slide down the slope on that other side of the mountain, it can be represented by an upside down ‘V’.
As the aim is to prolong that exquisite moment prior to tipping over the other side it requires a slight pulling-back downwards, of sexual excitation when an orgasm is imminent; within seconds, once the sexual excitation stabilises, it can be intensified once more; again, upon an orgasm being imminent, another slight pulling-back downwards, of sexual excitation is required; and once that sexual excitation stabilises, it too can be intensified once more … and so on and so on and so on. What will happen, upon much delicious practice – ain’t life grand! – is that the slight pulling-back downwards, of sexual excitation when the orgasm is once again imminent, becomes both easier and easier and less and less downwards; eventually there can be an easing back-and-forth, at the moment just prior to the orgasm’s imminence, along an ever-increasingly lengthening plateau at the peak; this can be represented by that upside down ‘V’ having a flat-line where there was once only an apex.
For a few days I have found myself quite overwhelmed by the experience, and it quickly became clear that feelings of over-excitement & love were to blame. These shifted into feelings of worry & depression after a couple of days.
Last night I had a stress-dream - the dream was of a workplace I had a few years ago which was very hectic, and at the time I was frequently overwhelmed. I wanted to go play soccer (aka go have fun), but more and more over-the top demands & complex tasks kept coming along, and I felt guilty about leaving my coworkers behind to go have fun. As a result, I was becoming more and more stressed out.
When I awoke, I reflected on the dream for a short while - my nerves were far too heightened to fall asleep.
After a short while, it occurred to me that the same dynamic was occurring with this stress & depression as Richard was describing in his approach to sexual excitement & release.
Namely, that the ‘typical’ way to approach sex was to simply ‘climb the mountain & then slide down the other side,’ which is to say to become excited, orgasm, and then quickly relax.
I was doing the same thing in my daily emotional life: rapidly becoming excited about this or that, releasing in some way or another (whether in accomplishment or disappointment), and then coming down. In my life this has at times looked quite extreme to the point of bipolarity, with cycles of around a year between the highest highs and lows lasting for months at a time.
It’s now obvious what there is to do: look for that ‘sweet zone’ near the peak of excitement but not so far as to push over the edge - in the past I have had no sense of modulation, and so would overshoot the sweet zone immediately. Once that happened, I would then spend some period of time more or less depressed. There was always considerable discomfort both in the intensity of the anxious-excitement & doubt ‘going up,’ and in the dark depressions of the lows.
By learning how to & knowing that I am capable of modulating that excitement, I can learn to have confidence in myself and enjoy the sweetness of feeling ‘fully alive’ without overshooting into mania.
This also changes the feeling-tone of the whole experience: rather than being some mysterious force outside of my control, it’s just something I’m learning to do, like riding a bicycle. Going forward, even if I tip too far one way or the other and skin my knee, I can confidently get back up again, knowing that it is possible and worth the effort to find out how.
Already just this mid-morning I have had success, watching as my ‘energy’ goes up, catching myself before it gets too hot, and then pushing myself a little higher when I start to get a little ‘sleepy,’ dull or down.
There is a sweetness in this space, a delight at being full of energy, and yet knowing that I will catch myself before it goes too far.
It is exactly the same as those sexual experiences, the psychic movements of which had more to do with my intuitive experiencing than physical sensation itself.
This all seems rather obvious now that I see it, but it was a significant shift for me, and thought I’d write it up in case others find it helpful.
Finally, I’d like to give additional thanks to @hunterad for bringing to my attention this quote, which all of the above is based on: