Okay, probably my final reply in this thread.
The root cause?
Continuing the above investigation I located the part of “me” enabling all these feelings. Basically, “I” lack something that “she” provided. This something is pretty nebulous (which evokes the concept of self-worth in the cognitive level), actually - involving validation, affection, sexual validation, etc. And so, when there is a “threat” to this “safety” (e.g. via rejection) I feel scared and then sorrowful because of returning to this “lack”.
This is the crux of the issue. I can also dimly see that the alternative to be naive (see post above), yet I have not been able to make the choice to swing to the naive side. I could see myself see-sawing but the fear kept “me” firmly in current modus operandi.
Closure
All the while the above was happening, she texts me saying she’s very tired and could instead meet next week. This is the 3rd time she postponed our meeting this week, so I took that as a sign that she wanted me to move on. And so I did; wished her luck and uninstalled the chat app (Telegram).
This has obviously been hurtful for me (the nature of this feeling is the same as the “root cause” above), but there is now also a stark loneliness. Any real-world tips here to move past this sooner than latter?
What’s next?
I derived immense value from the last two months. A lot of suffering, but also a lot of revelations (and I didn’t let myself taken advantage of, which is a good thing, as I suspected financial motivations). I’m now much more motivated that before in succeeding in actualism. I appreciate that y’all are here. I’m not going to intellectualize or be analytical anymore.
I haven’t made any decision regarding my association with women. I think I’ll continue doing what I was doing before — going about it all on my own (which consideration resulted in the last PCE). If another opportunity arises in future (very rare), I shall stay very vigilant of the bifurcation and apply ‘adult sensibilities’ to the dates[1].
From what I’ve learned, it is best not to wait beyond 2nd date to establish mutual sexual attraction. Else, it will be a waste of time, as was the case with this encounter (2 months!). ↩︎