Scout to Sonya: really interesting to hear that the two of you are happily married without sharing the typical bond of “romantic love”. it’s also not an experience i’ve had fully mutually, and like you said it’s very dominant in the feminine narrative, so i was spoon-fed this notion that it’s the greatest thing i can possibly experience. i don’t know if it’s something i feel fully ready to move past because it’s not something i’ve seen and experienced clearly for myself yet, i’m still curious (though i am currently in an about-to-end relationship where i am seeing its uglier face). but it’s fascinating to hear about your experience of partnership without it. (link)
Hi Scout,
As you so rightly said, love is “very dominant in the feminine narrative” with the emphasis on “narrative”. It’s a fairy tale, supported by the feeling of love itself (when you fall in love) that if only you find the right man happiness is guaranteed for the rest of your life.
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ first had to examine this narrative in herself when she found out, yet again, that love had its downsides. ‘She’ knew that from previous relationships but this one, with Peter, was supposed to be working properly. Here is ‘her’ report how ‘she’ overcame the first major obstacle –
‘Vineeto’: My traditional response to the feeling of being trapped had been that the man should give me his love and reassurance. But the way to the intimacy that I had already experienced and wanted to have with Peter all the time, was that I had to question, examine and eliminate the notorious bunch of feelings called love. Peter’s description of our adventure into freedom and intimacy is certainly not just a male point of view. Did he love me enough or not, or did I love him enough or not, was not the question – I discovered that love was not the solution but the problem itself!
The answer again lay 180 degrees in the opposite direction to what I had come to know up to now. I had expected or assumed someone was to love my ‘grotty self’, when even I could not stand those parts of me! A person who ‘loves me’ is supposed to accept all those ‘quirks of my personality’, which no intelligent human being would be able to put up with without blind nature’s intoxication known as ‘being in love’. And for years I had tried the same with the men I had ‘loved’, without success or happiness, let alone lasting intimacy. Intimacy can only happen when there is no emotion, no feeling or projection in the way between us. So, one of the first things that we discovered to be in the way of actual intimacy were the feelings of love – that sweet syrup that was usually poured over the spiky, malicious, miserable ‘self’, which I was most of the time!
One thing that I particularly didn’t like about falling in love was the pining. Whenever I was not with Peter I felt I was tied to him on a long elastic cord and not able to fully enjoy whatever I was doing by myself. Digging into what could be the reason for my pining, I discovered what I call the ‘Cinderella-syndrome’ – the romantic dream that most women have about the perfect and noble man. We are not only looking for someone who takes care of us when our own strength fails us, but also for someone who gives perspective, meaning, definition and identity to our lives, be it as father of our kids, provider of social status, security or a purpose for life. According to this dream Peter should be the answer to the question which I wasn’t willing to face myself: ‘What do I really want to do with my life?’
I remember a Monday evening after a weekend together, and I had been pining the whole day. I had not enjoyed work as I found myself struggling to get out of this exhausting dependency. Here I was, 44 years old and as silly as a teenager! After work I took a long walk across rolling hills into a spectacular sunset, trying to work out what I wanted to do with my life.
In the end, I had to admit that, whatever it was, it had not the slightest thing to do with anything that Peter could do for me. I wanted to be perfect and I had to do it myself. I still had to clean myself up. Just having found a probable good mate had nothing to do with the fact that I wasn’t the best I could be; that I wasn’t free. I decided there and then to face the challenge, to abandon the love-dream and go for the actual experience – meeting another human being as intimately as possible instead of looking up to him and waiting for him to be the ‘hero of my dreams’.
That very evening the situation changed. My pining stopped. The fog in the head cleared. My expectations disappeared. I could again stand on my own feet and equally enjoy the time when I was by myself. I had recovered my autonomy – my autonomy in the sense that I am the only one in my life who is responsible for my happiness. (Actualism, Vineeto, A Bit of Vineeto)
There was more to come but perhaps this report appeals to you as a way of exploring why you at present don’t “feel fully ready to move past” love.
Of course, to experience the benefits “of partnership without” love, love itself needs to move aside to make room for something superior to the ups and downs of love. You can utilise your present scepticism about love’s success to explore how those dreams you were “spoon-fed” are just that, dreams that never come true.
Then an appreciation, a curiosity, a naïve fascination can emerge what else is possible between a man and a woman, and consideration and interested attention have room to come to the fore. As Sonya said –
Sonya: I also had to keep in mind that we weren’t just eliminating love but replacing it with something better and care and appreciation had to be at the forefront. (link)
You can also check out Article Two of Richard’s Journal, page 24 to find out what else is possible, and how.
Cheers Vineeto